Friends

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Chandler are getting ready to go on their
honeymoon. Monica is entering from the bedroom.]

Chandler: Hey! Babe! Aren�t you excited we�re going on our honeymoon?

Monica: Yeah I am!

Chandler: (singing) Bermuda, Bahama, come on pretty mama�

Monica: That�s right. Get it out of your system while we�re alone.

Joey: (entering with Phoebe) Hey!

Phoebe: Yeah! Have a great honeymoon!

Chandler: I�d better go pack.

Monica: Oh no, I already packed. The only thing I couldn�t find though was
your Speedo.

(Joey looks at him, Phoebe tries not to smile, and Chandler is shocked.)

Chandler: A Speedo? Uh, I don�t have a Speedo. I�m gonna go pack my regular
long bathing suit. (Goes into the bedroom.)

Rachel: (entering) Oh good you�re still here!

Monica: Hey!

Rachel: I want to tell you to have a good honeymoon! (Hugs Monica.)

Monica: Thank you.

Rachel: And I also wanted you guys to know that I am telling the father today. (They
all look at her expectantly) What? What? What?

(Pause.)

Joey: We know its Ross!

Rachel: How?! How do you know?

Phoebe: It was his sweater, but�Oh my God!

Rachel: Oh, I so wanted Ross to know first, but I�m so relieved you guys know.

Monica: This is so great! And I�m gonna be your baby�s aunt!

Rachel: I know! (They hug.)

Phoebe: Me too! (Joins the hug.)

Joey: I�m gonna be an uncle! Come here! (He joins the hug.)

Rachel: (breaking the hug) You�re all gonna be aunts and uncles.

Monica: Yeah, but I�m the only one related by blood.

Rachel: Okay. Great! So now that you guys all know you can help me. Give me
some advice on how I�m gonna tell Ross!

Monica: Well, what were you gonna say?

Rachel: Well I was gonna tell him that I�m-I�m gonna have the baby and he can
be as involved as he wants.

Joey: Well that, that sounds good.

Rachel: Yeah but how do I start? I mean, what�s-what�s the first thing that I say? (They
all pause to think.) Okay great! Thanks. (She starts to leave.)

Monica: Hey! Good luck!

Phoebe: Yeah, bye.

Joey: Bye.

(Rachel exits.)

Chandler: (entering) Hey, what was that all about?

Monica: Well I guess there is no harm in telling you now, Rachel and Ross are
gonna have a baby.

Chandler: (in a high pitched voice) What?! I didn�t even know that�Why didn�t you
tell me?! (Pause) Why am I talking like this?!

Monica: I didn�t think you could keep it a secret.

Chandler: (in the high pitched voice) What?! (Normal voice) I am an excellent secret
keeper. I have kept all of our secrets.

Joey: What secrets?

Chandler: Oh no-no Joey, I am not going to tell you because I am an excellent
secret keeper.

(The girls walk away.)

Joey: (whispering to Chandler) You�ll tell me later?

Chandler: You already know.


Opening Credits


[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Phoebe are entering.]

Phoebe: Oh, it's so romantic to send people off on their honeymoon.

Joey: Y�know, Monica and Chandler are married. Ross and Rachel are having a
baby. Maybe you and I should do something.

Phoebe: All in good time my love. All in good time. Oh shoot! I left my guitar in
their apartment. Well you can let me in later.

Joey: I don�t have a key, they took mine to give to you.

Phoebe: What?! They took mine to give to you!

Joey: Why would they take away our keys?

Phoebe: Maybe they don�t trust us.

Joey: No that�s not it. They let me keep my key the last time they were
out of town.

Phoebe: You mean the time you broke the ketchup bottle and cleaned it up with
Monica�s guest towels?

Joey: Hey, I washed those!

Phoebe: No you didn�t.

Joey: Yeah that didn�t sound like me.

Phoebe: Well, what am I gonna do? I really need my guitar!

Joey: Yeah, I have stuff in there too.

Phoebe: What stuff?

Joey: Monica�s chicken parm! I�ll take care of it. (He picks up the phone) Hey Mr. Treeger,
it�s Joey Tribbiani. Listen, I need to get into Monica and Chandler�s apartment. It�s an
emergency. (Listens) Uhh, gas leak! Yeah oh, and bring garlic bread. (Hangs up.)

Ross: (entering) Hey!

Phoebe: Did Rachel find you?

Ross: No why?

Phoebe: Oh she was looking for you.

Ross: Oh well, I guess I�ll catch up with her later.

Phoebe: Well, she really wanted to talk to you now.

Joey: Yeah, it seemed pretty important.

Ross: Oh no.

Phoebe: What?

Ross: I think I might know what this is about.

(Phoebe and Joey trade looks)

Joey: Really?

Ross: Yeah. Uh, uh we promised we weren�t gonna tell anybody this but uh,
about a month ago Rachel and I slept together.

Phoebe: (deadpan) And?

Ross: Wow! I thought you would be a little more shocked.

Phoebe: Oh sorry. (Shocked) And?!

Ross: Well, we-we said we�d just do it that one time but, but now I think she may
wanna start things up again.

Joey: Yeah, I don�t think that�s what it is.

Ross: Why? What-what else could it be?

Joey: Oh wow, I don�t feel well.

Ross: I�m telling you. I�m telling you. That�s what it is. No wonder she was looking at me all funny
during the wedding. She didn�t say anything to you?

Phoebe: (To Joey) Maybe it�s something you ate?

Joey: Please, just-just, just go and talk to Rachel.

Ross: Yeah, I guess I should. (Starts to leave.) Man, y�know what I have to realize? Maybe
I�m just not the type of guy women can have just one night with. Y�know, they-they always
seem to want a little bit more. I should remember that. (He pauses and then exits.)

[Scene: The Airport Ticket Counter, Monica and Chandler are standing in line behind another
couple kissing who are next in line to be served.]

Ticket Agent: Next?

(The kissing couple doesn�t move.)

Monica: They�re kissing let�s just go around them.

Chandler: Oh honey, leave them alone, they�re in love.

Monica: I�m in love too! But in an orderly fashion.

Ticket Agent: Next?

Monica: (to the couple) Hi! Can you do that and walk? �Cause she said, "Next."

(The couple moves up to the counter.)

Woman: Sorry. We didn�t hear you; we�re on our honeymoon.

Ticket Agent: Oh, let me see what I can do. (Checks the computer) There are
some first class seats available.

Monica: (To Chandler) Did you hear that?! They bumped them up to first class
because they are on their honeymoon! Come on! Let�s act like we�re
on our honeymoon.

Chandler: We are on our honeymoon.

Monica: Grab my ass!

Ticket Agent: Next?

(They go up to the counter.)

Monica: Hi, sorry. I almost didn�t hear you, because y�know I�m just so in love with
my new husband. We�re on our honeymoon.

Ticket Agent: Congratulations. Okay, Mr. Bing you�ll be in 25J and Mrs. Bing you�ll
be in 25K.

Monica: Oh no, you see we�re on our honeymoon. So umm, can you do your little
thing and bump us up to first class?

Ticket Agent: I�m sorry, all our first class seats are taken. That couple got the last two.

Monica: You see, if we�d gone around them like I said, we�She would�ve given us
those tickets. Damnit!

Chandler: 25J and K, any chance those aren�t together?

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Phoebe and Joey are playing Rock �em, Sock �em Robots.]

Joey: I still can�t believe they took away my key. You trust me with yours.

Phoebe: Of course I do! And I�m gonna give it back to you as soon as they�re
done with it at the key shining place.

(They hear a knocking sound coming from the hallway and go to investigate.)

Joey: What the hell is that?

(They go into the hallway and see Mr. Treeger watching one of New York�s bravest
breakdown Monica and Chandler�s door with an axe.]

Joey: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Treeger, what are you doing?

Mr. Treeger: You said there was a gas leak in here.

Phoebe: Well why don�t you use your key?

Mr. Treeger: Because by the time I find it on this thing (Holds up a huge key ring with a
thousand keys on it), the whole place might have exploded. If that happens at
another building that I manage, people are gonna start asking questions.
(To the fireman) Come on! Hurry up.

(With a final swing the door gives way.)

Phoebe: Oh! We could have done that.

[Scene: The Airport, Chandler and Monica are following the previous couple through a tiny
hallway that proves this is a set on a sound stage and not an actual airport, and
see them enter the first class lounge.]

Monica: Look at that! Look at that! They�re going into the first class lounge! Do you
know what they have in there?

Chandler: No.

Monica: Me neither! We have to get in! (She runs through the door with Chandler in tow.)

Chandler: Just act like you belong.

Monica: Oh my God! Oranges!

Chandler: Shh! (To the guy behind the counter) Nice to see you again. (They tries to
walk past him.)

Airline Employee: Uh sir, may I see your tickets please?

Chandler: Yes, of course. (Shows him the tickets.)

Airline Employee: I�m sorry, would you move your thumb? I can�t see the seat number.

Chandler: Oh that�s all right, I have it memorized. It�s 1A.

Airline Employee: (grabbing the ticket from him) Sir, this is not a first class ticket. I�m sorry.

Chandler: Apology accepted. Excuse us. (They try to enter again.)

Airline Employee: Sir! I�m afraid I�m gonna have to ask you to leave.

Monica: Fine. (Starts to walk away then she runs over and grabs an orange before
she exits.) Go! Go! Go!

[Scene: The Hallway Outside Ross�s Apartment, Ross is walking towards his apartment
and sees Rachel sitting in front of the door.]

Rachel: (seeing him) Hi!

Ross: Hi.

Rachel: Hi. (He helps her up.) Umm, I think there�s something that we really need to
talk about.

Ross: (quietly confident) I think we do. Why don�t we go inside? (They go inside.) Look uh,
I know why you�re here.

Rachel: You do?

Ross: Yeah, and to save you from any embarrassment umm, I think maybe I should talk first.

Rachel: (warily) Okay.

Ross: Okay. (He sits her down in a chair.) Uh, Ross and Rachel. Rachel and Ross. That�s
been one heck of a see-saw hasn�t it?

Rachel: (confused) What?

Ross: I mean look, that-that one night we had was fun and�and certainly passionate, but
don�t you think it�s better if we just stayed friends?

Rachel: Seriously. What?!

Ross: Okay. Okay. Y�know what? If you want to, we can do it one more time. I mean I�d-I�d
be okay with that. In fact, I have some time right now.

Rachel: Okay, y�know what? Can I, can I talk now?

Ross: Oh sure. (He sits on the apothecary table and touches her hand.)

Rachel: (touches his knee) I�m pregnant. (Ross stops.) Ross? (Ross is staring off into space.)
Ross? (Ross is still frozen) Okay, whenever you�re ready. (Sits back and opens her
magazine.) And you�re the father by the way�but you got that�


Commercial Break


[Scene: Ross's Apartment, continued from earlier.]

Rachel: (closes her magazine) Can I get you some water?

Ross: I�m good. I�m good.

Rachel: Ross, there is no pressure on you. Okay? I mean you can as involved as you
want. (Ross nods.)

Ross: Yeah, I need uh� I�m just�I don�t know�I don�t understand, umm, how this
happened? We-we used a condom.

Rachel: I know. I know, but y�know condoms only work like 97% of the time.

Ross: What? What? What?!! Well they should put that on the box!!!

Rachel: They do!

Ross: No they don�t!!! (He runs to the bedroom to check and returns with his box of
condoms.) Well they should put it in huge black letters!!!!

Rachel: Okay Ross come on let�s just forget about the condoms.

Ross: Oh well I may as well have!

Rachel: Listen, y�know what? I was really freaked out too when I found out�

Ross: Freaked out? Hey no, I�m not freaked out! I�m indignant! As a consumer!

Rachel: Y�know what? Let�s, let�s talk later.

Ross: No! No! I want to talk now! Okay? I�In fact, (picks up the phone) I am
going to talk to the president of the condom company!

Rachel: Okay, y�know maybe I should come back� (Starts to leave.)

Ross: (grabs her) Shh! Shh! Shh!

Rachel: (stops) Okay.

Ross: (on phone) Yeah I�ll press 1! (Presses one which allows Rachel to escape.)

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Mr. Treeger has finished inspecting Monica and
Chandler�s apartment.]

Mr. Treeger: I�ve looked everywhere. There�s no gas leak.

Joey: (eating) Huh. So then I can heat this up? (Goes and does so.)

Mr. Treeger: Anyway uh, I�ll get moving on that new door.

Phoebe: Oh great! And listen, could you do us a favor and not tell Chandler and Monica
about this? �Cause y�know umm, they don�t-they don�t have any kids of their
own and-and this door was like a child to them.

Mr. Treeger: Well I�m gonna have to put on a new lock, they�ll find out anyway.

Phoebe: Oh no.

Mr. Treeger: (measures the top of the doorframe) Whoa! This looks like an all day job,
I�ll have to cancel my yoga class. (Ross walks up.) Hey Ross!

Ross: Hi.

Mr. Treeger: Could you tell Jasmine that I won't make it to yoga class today?

Ross: Sure.

Mr. Treeger: Namaste. (Bows.)

Ross: Namaste. (Bows.)

(Treeger leaves and Ross notices the door.)

Ross: Oh my God! What happened to the door?!

Joey: So it�s noticeable huh?

Ross: Look, is Rachel here? I really need to talk to her.

Phoebe: Didn�t you two already talk?

Ross: Yeah but uh� Okay, okay look you guys know that Rachel and I slept together,
but there�s something else. (Pause) Rachel�s pregnant.

Joey: (simultaneously) Oh my God!!! I can�t believe that!!

Phoebe: (simultaneously) Holy mother of God!!!

Ross: With my child.

Phoebe: That is brand new information!!

Ross: You already know don�t you?

Phoebe: A little bit.

Joey: How are you doing?

Ross: Okay. Okay. I mean I�ll be okay. It�s just I don�t think I handled it very well.

Joey: Well, what did you say to her?

Ross: Nothing. But the complaint department at the condom company got an earful.
And then when I turned around she was gone.

Phoebe: Oh Ross.

Ross: But hey, in my defense I-I just found out condoms are like only 97% effective.

Joey: (shocked) What?

Ross: I gotta go find her.

Joey: Whoa! Hey! Whoa!! Hold up! Are you serious?! So like 3% of the time they don�t
even work?! Huh? They should put that on the box!

Ross: Evidently they do.

Joey: What?! (Grabs his condoms from his pocket and looks.)

[Scene: The Atlantis Resort, Chandler and Monica are arriving to check in,
but are behind the couple from before again.]

Monica: I can�t believe we�re here.

Chandler: Oh you�ve got to be kidding me.

Monica: What? (Monica sees the first couple and gasps.)

Front Desk Clerk: As a wedding gift to you, the hotel would like to give you the
honeymoon suite.

Monica: No!! You have been screwing us all day!

Man: Who are you?

Chandler: We�re you just ten seconds later!

Monica: Yeah! You already got the first class tickets; you got the lounge!
I mean we should get free stuff too! I mean you�re not the only
ones on your honeymoon!

Woman: Well you can have the suite if you want. We don�t care about
where we stay. We�re here to celebrate our love together. We don�t
have to get free stuff. We just want to be together.

Chandler: (looks at Monica then at them) We need the stuff.

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Joey is on the phone and Phoebe is
watching him.]

Joey: Hey Monica it�s Joey. Listen uh, Phoebe and I smell gas comin�
from your apartment.

Monica: What? Are you serious?! (To Chandler) Joey smells gas!

Chandler: What else is new?

Joey: Yeah and we�d go check it out, but you took away our keys.

Monica: Well do something! Get in there!

Joey: How? I guess I could break down your door.

Monica: Yeah! Do that!

Joey: And-and you won�t blame us for any damage? (Gives Phoebe a thumbs up.)

Monica: No! (Pause) Are you doing it?! I don�t hear anything! Come on!

Joey: Uh, okay I�ll-I�ll-I�ll break it down. (He hands the phone to Phoebe,
gets up, picks up a chair, and starts banging it on the floor.)

Phoebe: Oh hey hi, he�s doing it. He�s breaking down the door. (The chair
breaks in half.) Okay, we�re in. (She hangs up the phone.)

[Scene: A doctor�s office, Rachel is on an examining table with her legs
in the stirrups.]

Nurse: Okay Rachel, are you comfortable?

Rachel: (sighs) If I said I was, would you judge me?

Nurse: The doctor will be here in a minute to do your sonogram.

Rachel: Okay. (The nurse exits.) Oh man, I swear if they sold these at Pottery Barn�

(There�s a knock on the door and Ross enters.)

Ross: Hi!

Rachel: (shocked) Hi!

Ross: Uh we-we need to talk.

Rachel: Uh-uh-uh, right now? Because I�ve kinda got an el fresco situation
going on over here.

Ross: Please, please I want to apologize for the way I acted earlier today.

Rachel: Okay Ross that�s fine, but can you please stand near my head?

Ross: What? Oh yeah. (He moves next to her head.) I�m sorry. I mean I-I
think I went a little crazy. I mean I was thinking about myself when I
(Wanders towards Rachel�s feet) really�I should have been thinking
about you Rach�

Rachel: Okay. Head Ross! Head Ross! Head Ross!

Ross: Right! Right! I just�I want you to know that I�m going to be there through this
whole thing, okay? Okay? The doctor�s appointments, the uh, the Lamaze
classes, uh baby-proofing the apartment�Although we could probably worry
about that �til after we get married.

Rachel: What married?

Ross: Well yeah, I think we should get married.

Rachel: What, because that�s your answer to everything?

Ross: No, because that�s the right thing to do.

Rachel: Yeah, maybe if you�re in love. But Ross, we are not in love, are we?

Ross: No but�but still you can�t possibly do this alone.

Rachel: Excuse me?

Ross: Come on Rach, you can�t even eat alone in a restaurant.

Rachel: What?!

Ross: I�m just saying if you can�t eat by yourself, how do you expect to
have a baby by yourself?

Rachel: I can too eat by myself!

Ross: When have you ever?

Rachel: When certain people leave the table and I am not finished!

Ross: Well certain other people take two hours to eat a bowl of soup!

Rachel: Oh please, you inhale your food!

Ross: I grew up with Monica! If you didn�t eat fast you didn�t eat!!

Dr. Long: (entering) Am I interrupting?

Rachel: Oh no Dr. Long, please come in. This is Ross, he is the father.

Ross: But not the husband, because evidently she can do this alone.

Dr. Long: Huh. Nice to meet you. I�ll get started on this.

Ross: (To Rachel, standing by her feet) I don�t know why you can�t admit
that you need me.

Rachel: I do need you! I need you to stand near my head!

Dr. Long: Okay, everything looks good. Here it is on the screen. (We see
Ross and Rachel looking at the screen.) Here is your uterus. And
right here is your baby.

Ross: Oh my God.

Rachel: Wow. There it is, I see it.

Dr. Long: Congratulations. I�ll give you two a minute.

Rachel: Okay.

Ross: Thank you.

(Dr. Long exits and Rachel starts to cry.)

Ross: Pretty amazing huh?

Rachel: I don�t see it!

Ross: What? What?!

Rachel: I can�t see it!

Ross: You-you just said that you did!

Rachel: I know, I lied! I didn�t want her to think I was a terrible mother!
I can�t even see my own baby!

Ross: Oh sure, come here! (Sits her up) Sure you can! Uh, look come here
look, (rolls the machine closer) it�s-it�s-it�s, it�s right there (Points).

Rachel: Oh. Oh, it�s beautiful. I see it now.

Ross: Do you really?

Rachel: No, I don�t see it!

Ross: Come on! Come on! Here, okay-okay, you see this? (Points) This
tiny thing that looks like a peanut?

Rachel: Yeah.

Ross: Sweetie that�s it.

Rachel: That�s it? Well I saw that! Ohh-ohh-oh, thank you.

Ross: You�re welcome.

Rachel: Wow! I can�t believe that�s our baby.

Ross: Yeah, that�s our baby.


Closing Credits


[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Phoebe are there as Rachel and
Ross return from the doctor�s appointment.]

Rachel: Hi.

Joey: Hey!

Phoebe: Hey! So how was the doctor?

Rachel: Oh, everything went great.

Phoebe: Good.

Ross: Oh hey, show them the picture of your uterus.

(She does so.)

Phoebe: Oh.

Joey: I don�t see the baby. Where is it?

Rachel: Oh no, I know I couldn�t see it either at first, but it�s right umm�
(Starts to cry) Ross, I lost it again.

Ross: Oh. (He takes the picture and hugs her.

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