Friends

JOEY: I'm tellin' you Ross, she wants you.

ROSS: She barely knows me. We just live in the same building.

CHANDLER: Any contact?

ROSS: She lent me an egg once.

JOEY: You're in!

ROSS: Aw, right.

HER: Hi, Ross.

ROSS: Hey. (Stutters)

CHANDLER: Come on, Ross, you gotta get back in the game here, ok? The
Rachel thing's not happening, your ex-wife is a lesbian--I
don't think we need a third...

JOEY: Excuse me, could we get an egg over here, still in the shell?
Thanks.

ROSS: An egg?

JOEY: Yeah, you're gonna go up to her and say, "Here's your egg back,
I'm returning your egg."

CHANDLER: I think it's winning.

ROSS: I think it's insane.

CHANDLER: She'll love it. Go with the egg, my friend.

JOEY: Think it'll work?

Chandler: No, it's suicide. The man's got an egg.

MONICA: You can not do this.

RACHEL: Do what, do what?

MONICA: Roger wants to take her out tomorrow night.

RACHEL: No! Phoebes! Don't you remember why you dumped the guy?

PHOEBE: 'Cause he was creepy, and mean, and a little frightening, All
right, still, it's nice to have a date on Valentine's Day!

MONICA: But Phoebe, you can go out with a creepy guy any night of the
year. I know I do.

RACHEL: Well, what are you guys doing tomorrow night?

JOEY: Actually, tomorrow night kinda depends on how tonight goes.

CHANDLER: Oh, uh, listen, about tonight...

JOEY: No, no, no, don't you dare bail on me. The only reason she's
goin' out with me is because I said I could bring a friend for
her friend.

CHANDLER: Yes, I know, but her friend sounds like such a--

JOEY: Pathetic mess? I know, but--come on, man, she's needy, she's
vulnerable. I'm thinkin', ch-ching! Thanks. Look, you have not
been out with a woman since Janice. You're doin' this.

ROSS: Hi. She said yes.

CHANDLER: Yes! Way to go, man! Still got the egg, huh?

JOEY: How do I look?

CHANDLER: Oh, uh, I don't care. Ok, now, remember, no trading. You get
the pretty one, I get the mess.

LORRAINE: Hi, Joey. Well well, look what you brought. Very nice.

CHANDLER: And what did you bring?

LORRAINE: She's checking the coats. Joey, I'm gonna go wash the cab
small off my hands. Will you get me a white zinfandel, and a
glass of red for Janice.

CHANDLER: Ok, I'm makin' a break for it, I'm goin' out the window.

JOEY: No, no, no, don't! I've been waitin' for like, forever to go out
with Lorraine. Just calm down. Chandler: Calm down, calm down?
You set me up with the woman that I've dumped twice in the last
five months!

JOEY: Can you stop yellin'? You're makin' me nervous, and I can't go
when I'm nervous.

CHANDLER: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, you're right. Come on, do it, do it,
go, come on!!!

RACHEL: Ok, ok, Roger was creepy, but he was nothing compared to Pete
Carney.

MONICA: Which one was Pete Carney?

RACHEL: He was the weeper. Remember that guy who used to cry every
time we had sex. "Was it good for you?"

MONICA: Yeah, well, I'll take a little crying any day over Howard-the-
"I-win"-guy. "I win! I win!" I went out with the guy for two
months--I didn't get to win once.

RACHEL: How did we end up with these jerks? We're good people!

MONICA: I don't know. Maybe we're some kinda magnets.

PHOEBE: I know I am. That's why I can't wear a digital watch.

MONICA: There's more beer, right?

PHOEBE: Oh! You know my friend Abby who shaves her head? She said that
if you want to break the bad boyfriend cycle, you can do like
a cleansing ritual.

RACHEL: Phoebes, this woman is voluntarily bald.

PHOEBE: Yeah. So, we can do it tomorrow night, you guys. It's
Valentine's Day. It's perfect.

MONICA: Ok, well, what kind of ritual.

PHOEBE: Ok. We can, um, we can burn the stuff they gave us.

RACHEL: Or?

PHOEBE: Or...or we can chant and dance around naked, you know, with
sticks.

MONICA: Burning's good.

RACHEL: Burning's good. Yeah, I got stuff to burn.

LORRAINE: You know, ever since I was little, I've been able to pick up
quarters with my toes.

JOEY: Good for you. Uh, quarters or rolls of quarters?

JANICE: By the way, Chandler. I cut you out of all my pictures. So if
you want, I have a bag with just your heads.

CHANDLER: That's ok.

JANICE: Oh, are you sure? Really? Because you know, you could make
little puppets out of them, and you could use them in your
theater of cruelty.

JOEY: We can't do that.

CHANDLER: What? What can't you do?

JOEY: Uh, can I talk to you for a second, over there? Uh, we might be
leaving now.

CHANDLER: Tell me it's "you and me" we.

JOEY: She said she wants to slather my body with stuff and then lick
it off. I'm not even sure what slathering is, but I definitely
want to be a part of it.

CHANDLER: Ok, you can not do this to me.

JOEY: You're right, I'm sorry. You're right.

LORRAINE: Uh, can we have three chocolate mousses to go please?

JOEY: I'm outta here. Here's my credit card. Dinner's on me. I'm sorry,
Chandler.

CHANDLER: I hope she throws up on you. So...

JANICE: Just us.

CHANDLER: Oh, what a crappy night!

JANICE: Although, I have enjoyed the fact that uh your shirt's been
stickin' outta your zipper ever since you came back from the
bathroom.

CHANDLER: Excuse me. How ya doin'?

JANICE: So, do we have the best friends or what?

CHANDLER: Joey's not a friend. He's...a stupid man who left us his
credit card. Another drink? Some dessert? A big screen tv?

JANICE: I will go for that drink.

CHANDLER: You got it. Good woman, could we get a bottle of your most
overpriced champagne?

JANICE: Each.

CHANDLER: That's right, each. Oh, and a uh Rob Roy. I've always wanted
to know...

JANICE: Happy Valentine's Day!

JANICE: Oh, I miss you already. Can you believe this happened?

CHANDLER: No, no! And yet it did. Good-bye, Janice.

JANICE: Kiss me!

MONICA: Oh, Chandler, sorry. Ohhh, Chandler, sorry! Hey, Janice.

JANICE: Hi, Monica.

CHANDLER: Ok, well, this was very special.

MONICA: Rache, come see who's out here!

RACHEL: Oh my god. Janice, hi!

CHANDLER: Janice is gonna go away now.

MONICA: I'll be right back.

RACHEL: Oh, Joey, look who it is.

JOEY: Whoa.

CHANDLER: Oh, good, Joey's home now.

JANICE: This is so fun. This is like a reunion in the hall.

MONICA: Oh, hi, Ross. Yeah. There's someone I want you to say hi to.
He just happened to call.

JANICE: Hi, Ross. Yes, it's me. How did you know?

ROSS: I'm just sayin' if dogs do experience jet lag, then, because of
the whole um, seven dog years to one human year thing, then,
when a dog flies from New York to Los Angeles, he doesn't just
lose three hours, he loses like a week and a half.

KRISTIN: That's funny. Who are they?

ROSS: The blond woman is my ex-wife, and the woman touching her is her
close, personal friend.

KRISTIN: You mean they're lovers.

ROSS: If you wanna put a label on it.

KRISTIN: Wow, uh, anything else I should know?

ROSS: Nope, nope, that's it. Oh, and she's pregnant with my baby. I
always forget that part. Helloo!

PHOEBE: Ok, so now we need um sage branches and the sacramental wine.

MONICA: All I have is, is oregano and a Fresca.

PHOEBE: Um, that's ok! Ok. All right. Now we need the semen of a
righteous man.

RACHEL: Ok, Pheebs, you know what, if we had that, we wouldn't be
doing the ritual in the first place.

MONICA: Can we just start throwing things in?

PHOEBE: Ok, yeah, ok. Oh.

RACHEL: Ok, Barry's letters. Adam Ritter's boxer shorts.

PHOEBE: Ok, and I have the uh receipt for my dinner with Nokululu Oon
Ah Ah.

MONICA: Look, here's a picture of Scotty Jared naked.

RACHEL: Hey he's wearing a sweater.

MONICA: No.

RACHEL and PHOEBE: Eww!

RACHEL: And here we have the last of Paulo's grappa.

MONICA: Hey, Rachel, isn't that stuff almost pure--

CHANDLER: How can I dump this woman on Valentine's day?

JOEY: I don't know. You dumped her on New Year's.

CHANDLER: Oh, man. In my next life, I'm coming back as a toilet brush.

JANICE: Hello, funny Valentine.

CHANDLER: Hi, Just Janice.

JANICE: Hello, Joey, our little matchmaker. I could just kiss you all
over, and I'm gonna!

JOEY: If you don't do it, I will.

ROSS: Su, um, what do you do for a living?

KRISTIN: Well, um, for the past few years I've been working...which is
funny because, that wasn't even my major.

CAROL: Oh no. I thought you said they could shoot the spot without
you.

SUSAN: I thought they could...I'll try to get back as soon as I can.
I'm sorry.

ROSS: Now that is funny. Hey, do you think...would
it be too weird if I invited Carol over to join us? 'Cause
she's, she's alone now, and pregnant, and, and sad.

KRISTIN: I guess.

ROSS: Are you sure? Great. Carol? Wanna come over and join us?

CAROL: Oh, no no no. I'm fine. I'm fine.

ROSS: Come on. These people'll scooch down. You guys'll scooch, won't
you? Let's try scooching! Come on. Come on. Uh, Kristen Riggs,
this is Carol Willick. Carol, Kristin. Uh, Carol teaches sixth
grade. And, Kristin, Kristin...does something that, funnily
enough, wasn't even her major!

FIREMAN 1: What do we got there?

FIREMAN 2: A piece of something: boxer shorts, greeting cards, and
what looks like a half-charred picture--Wow, that guy's
hairier than the Chief!

MONICA: You know, it's a really funny story how this happened.

FIREMAN 3: It's all right. It's all right. You don't have to explain.
This isn't the first boyfriend bonfire that we've seen get
out of control.

FIREMAN 1: You're our third call tonight.

RACHEL: Really?

FIREMAN 2: Oh, sure, Valentine's is our busiest night of the year.

JANICE: I brought you something.

CHANDLER: Is it loaded? Oh, little candy hearts. Chan and Jan Forever.

JANICE: I had them made special.

CHANDLER: Ok, Janice. Janice. Hey, Janice. Look, there's no way for me
to tell you this, at least there's no new way for me to tell
you this. I just don't things are gonna work out.

JANICE: That's fine.

CHANDLER: It is?

JANICE: Mmm hmm. Because I know that this isn't the end.

CHANDLER: Oh no, you see, actually it is.

JANICE: No, it isn't, because you won't let that happen. Don't you
know it yet? You love me, Chandler Bing.

CHANDLER: Oh, no I don't.

JANICE: Well then ask yourself this. Why do you think we keep ending
up together? New Year's? Who invited who? Valentine's? Who
asked who into whose bed?

CHANDLER: I did, but--

JANICE: You seek me out. Something deep in your soul calls out to me
like a foghorn. Janice, Janice. You want me. You need me. You
can't live without me. And you know it. You just don't know
you know it. See ya.

CHANDLER: Call me!

CAROL: It's not true. I never called your mother a wolverine.

ROSS: You did so. I swear, I swear-- How long has she been in the
bathroom?

CAROL: Uh, I don't think she's in the bathroom. Her coat is gone.

ROSS: Well maybe it's cold in there. Or maybe I screwed up the first
date I had in 9 years.

CAROL: That could be it.

ROSS: Oh, god. You know, this is still pretty hot.

CAROL: Mushroom. Smile. They won't all be like this. Some women might
even stay through dinner. Sorry, that's not funny

ROSS: No, it's just...you know the whole "getting on with your life"
thing. Well, do I have to? I mean, I'm sitting here with this
cute woman, and, and, and she's perfectly nice, and, but that
there's, that's it. And um, and then I'm here talkin' to you,
and, and it's easy, and it's fun, and, and I don't, I don't have
to...You know, here's a wacky thought. Um, what's say you and I
give it another shot? No no no, I know what you're gonna say,
you're a lesbian. But what do you say we just put that aside for
now you know? Let's just stick a pin in it, ok? Because, we're
great together, you know. You can't deny it. Besides, you're
carrying my baby. I mean, how perfect is that? But see, you
know, you keep sayin' that, but there's somethin' right here.
I love you.

CAROL: Oh, I love you too. But--

ROSS: No but, no but.

CAROL: You know that thing you put over here with the pin in it? It's
time to take the pin out. You'll find someone, I know you will.
The right woman is just waiting for you.

ROSS: That's easy for you to say, you found one already.

CAROL: All you need is a woman who likes men and you'll be set. Not
her.

FIREMAN 3: We get off around midnight, why don't we pick you up then?

RACHEL: So, um, will you bring the truck?

FIREMAN 3: I'll even let you ring the bell.

RACHEL: Oh, my god.

PHOEBE: See, there you go, the cleansing works!

MONICA: They're nice guys.

RACHEL: Oh, they're firemen guys.

FIREMAN 1: You guys tell them you were married?

FIREMAN 2: No way!

FIREMAN 3: Are you kidding? My girlfriend doesn't know, I'm not gonna
tell them!

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