Friends

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Joey are sitting on the couch
reading.]

Joey: Can I see the comics?

Chandler: This is the New York Times.

Joey: Okay, may I see the comics?

[Monica and Phoebe enter.]

Monica: Guys. I thought you were taking Ross to the game?

Chandler: We are. He�s meeting us here.

Monica: No! Rachel is meeting us here.

Phoebe: Oh come on, they can be in the same room.

Joey: Yeah, you shoulda been there last night.

Phoebe: Why? What happened now?

Joey: Well Ross was hangin� out over at our place, Rachel comes over
to borrow some moisturiser from Chandler....

Chandler: Yeah y-you, how hard is it to say something? Rachel came
over to borrow something.

Joey: Anyway! Her and Ross just started yelling at each other.

Phoebe: Wait. Why was he yelling at her? He�s the one who slept with
someone else.

Joey: Well, I guess he says that because they were on a break when it
happened, that she should of forgiven him by now.

Phoebe: Whoa!! He is soo unreasonable! God, although I think I
understand what he means. Oh my God, this is like 60 Minutes,
okay, when, when, at first you�re really mad at that
pharmaceutical company for making the drug and then y'know you
just feel bad for the people because they needed to make their
hair grow.

Chandler: Y'know what this is like? This is like when my parents got
divorced. Man, I hope Ross doesn�t try to kidnap me after
Cub Scouts.

Phoebe: Y'know I had a dream where Ross and Rachel were still together,
they never broke up. And we were all just like hanging out,
and everyone was happy....

Joey: I had the same dream!

Phoebe: Yeah, and nobody slept with that Xerox girl.

Joey: Oh, I had the opposite dream.

Chandler: Y'know what maybe it�s gonna be okay, I mean it�s been a
week.

Joey: Yeah, I mean it�s never taken me a week to get over a
relationship.

Monica: It�s never taken you more than a shower to get over a
relationship.

[Rachel enters.]

Monica: (seeing her) Okay, let�s go!! Let�s hit the road!!

Rachel: Hey!

Monica: Let�s get the show on it!

Rachel: Okay, let me just get a cup of coffee.

Monica: Oh Rachel, I know the best coffee house and it�s sooo close.

Rachel: Closer than here?

Phoebe: (turning around and picking a cup off of a table) Oh, hey,
look, I found coffee! (handing her the cup) Okay, let�s
scidaddle.

Rachel: Wait, I�m not just gonna drink somebody�s old coffee.

Phoebe: Okay, your highness.

[Ross enters behind Rachel, and look at each other for a moment.]

Phoebe: (in a deep voice, imitating Ross) Um, Rachel I�m really sorry.
(imitating Rachel) That�s okay, do you wanna get back
together? (imitating Ross) Yeah, okay. (in her normal voice)
Did anyone else hear that?!

OPENING CREDITS

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, the whole gang is there, except for Ross
and Rachel. Joey is trying to eat Chinese with chopsticks and fails
miserably. There�s a knock on the door, and Chandler answers it to
reveal Rachel]

Rachel: (softly) Is he here?

Chandler: No.

Rachel: Oh. (smiles) Here�s your moisturiser. Hi!

Monica and Phoebe: Hey!

Rachel: You guys are gonna love meee! Okay, check it out, Thursday
night, five tickets, Calvin Klein lingerie show, and you guys
are coming with me. (they�re all silent and look away) Okay, I
said that out loud right?

Chandler: Yes, yes, it�s just that we ah, we kinda all ready, made
plans with Ross.

Rachel: Oh, well okay. Well, there you go.

Phoebe: No, it�s just that he got this new like home theater dealie,
and he wants y'know, us to check it out.

Rachel: Hm-mm.

Chandler: Yeah, he�s really excited about it too, he even recorded
show times on his answering machine.

Rachel: Ohh!

Monica: We�re sorry honey.

Rachel: Oh, it�s okay. (starts to leave)

Joey: Rach, it�s, it�s ah, it�s not that we don�t want to, really.
(quietly) Are we talking models in their underwear?

Rachel: And heels.

Joey: (He turns around to Chandler looking for approval to go with
Rachel, Chandler mouths �Come on!�) (turning back to Rachel) Ross,
did ask us first, and we set that night aside.

Rachel: No, hey, come on, if he asked you first, that�s only fair.
(leaves)

[Chandler makes a noise of absolute disgust and heads into the living
room.]

Phoebe: Ohhh boy, do I feel bad.

Joey: Oh yeah.

Monica: Very bad.

[We see Chandler lighting up a cigarette.]

Phoebe: Chandler what are you doing?!

Monica: Chandler!!

Chandler: (jumps back and points at the cigarette) Oh my God!

Joey: You�re smoking again?!

Chandler: Well, actually, yesterday I was smoking again. Today, I�m,
I�m smoking still.

Phoebe: Why would you start again after chewing all that quitting gum?

Chandler: Look, I�m telling you this is just like my parents divorce,
which is when I started smoking in the first place.

Monica: Weren�t you nine?!

Chandler: Yeahhh. I�m tellin� ya something, that ah, first smoke after
nap time....

[There�s a knock on the door.]

Chandler: Oh that�s great, with my luck, that�s gonna be him.

Phoebe: Him? Him, Ross?

Chandler: Nope, hymn 253, His Eyes Are On The Sparrow! When my parents
got divorced is when I started using humour as a defence
mechanism. (answers the door and it�s Rachel again.)

Rachel: Hi! Uhh, do you guys have plans for the weekend? Because I
have my sister on hold, and she said that we could use her
cabin for the weekend and go skiing. Huh? I�m asking you first,
right?!. I mean I�m playing by the rules.

All: Absolutely, yeah!

Rachel: Chandler! You�re smoking? What are you doing?!

Chandler: Hey, shut up!! You�re not my real Mom!!

[Scene: Ross�s, the gang, minus Rachel of course, is there. Chandler
is forced to smoke by an open window.]

Joey: (obviously cold) Hey, can you close that window Chandler? My
nipples can cut glass over here!

Phoebe: Wait. Really?! �Cause mine get me out of tickets.

Ross: Look, you guys I just wanna say, I really, really appreciate you
spending this time with me. It�s been a pretty hard time right
now, so I just wanna say thanks.

Chandler: Can somebody else hug him? I have to stay by the window.

Ross: Oh hey, hey, huh, how about this weekend we have a laser disc
marathon okay, and maybe a tournament on my new dart board? Huh,
huh, what do you think? (in an Irish accent) Two days of darts,
it�ll be great!

Joey: It�ll be great for next weekend.

Ross: No, no, no, this weekend guys!

Joey: It�ll be great for next weekend. I mean, (in an Irish accent)
it�ll be grrreat.

Ross: What�s going on?

Phoebe: Well, we were um, sorta invited to go skiing, y'know Rachel�s
sister�s cabin. (Chandler goes back to the window to smoke
again.)

Ross: So, for the whole weekend?

Monica: We�re really sorry, but um, she did ask us first.

Ross: Yeah, that�s okay, I mean if you guys all have to go away for
the first weekend I�m alone by myself, y'know then I totally,
totally understand.

Phoebe: Y'know what, I can stay, I�m gonna stay. �Cause the last time
I went skiing I was to afraid to jump off the chair lift, I
just went around and around.

Joey: Uh, Pheebs we kinda need you to drive us all up there in your
grandmother�s cab, but y'know what, I�ll stay.

Monica: Noo! I�ll stay. He�s my brother.

Ross: What a pity stay?

Monica: No! We�re gonna have fun. We can make fudge!

Ross: Pity food? Y'know what that�s okay, all right, I don�t need any
of you to stay, okay nobody stays.

Chandler: Well, then, I might as well offer to stay.

[Scene: In Phoebe�s Grandmother�s cab, driving up to the cabin.
Phoebe�s driving, Rachel�s sitting shotgun, Chandler, Monica, and Joey
are in the back seat.]

Joey: (to Chandler and Monica) Hey, does anybody else feel bad about
Ross?

Monica: Why? Do you think he�s still mad at us?

Chandler: (to Joey) Well he�s probably mad after you called him this
morning to borrow his goggles.

Joey: What? Mine aren�t tinted.

[Chandler starts to light a cigarette.]

Phoebe: Chandler!!

Chandler: What?

Phoebe: What does the sign say?

Chandler: Beam me up Jesus.

Phoebe: No, the �No Smoking� sign. There�s no smoking in my
Grandmother�s cab.

Chandler: Okay, well, then, I-I have to go to the bathroom.

All: Oh!

Phoebe: Please!

Monica: No Chandler no! No unscheduled stops. You can go when we stop
for gas.

Chandler: Oh, come on, there�s a rest stop right up there! Come on, I
really have to goooooooooo.

Joey: Oh, now I have to go!!

[Scene: The rest stop, Phoebe�s pulling in.]

Chandler: Here we go. Okay, brace yourselves.

Monica: What?

[Both Chandler and Joey put their feet up against the glass, Monica
doesn�t and gets thrown up against the glass.]

Rachel: Okay.

Monica: Ow!

[Joey gets out and sprints to the bathroom and Chandler follows with a
cigarette in his hands.]

Phoebe: (to Rachel, who�s staying in the cab.) Aren�t you gonna go?

Rachel: No. Thank you.

Monica: (getting out) No, Rachel never pees in public restrooms.

Rachel: Well, they never have any paper in there y'know. So my rule is
�no tissue, no tuschy.� (Phoebe laughs and gets out.) Well, if
everybody�s going. (She gets out and starts to close the door.)

Phoebe: No, y'know what don�t close it (Rachel slams the door shut
locking themselves out.) �cause the... keys.. are in there.

Chandler: Oh, no-no-no-no-no-no!!

Joey: What�s going on?

Chandler: (to Joey) My lighter�s in there! (points to the cab)

COMMERCIAL BREAK

[Scene: The rest stop, the gang is still stuck, Chandler is kneeling
at the rear bumper.]

Chandler: Damn! (stands up) The tailpipe�s not hot enough to light this!

Joey: Relax okay, I-I-I can get this open. Anybody have a coat hanger?

Chandler: Oh I do! Op, no, wait a minute, I took it out of my shirt
when I put it on this morning.

Monica: So, if you�re parents hadn�t got divorced, you�d be able to
answer a question like a normal person?

Joey: Look, I just need a wire something to jimmy it. Oh hey, one of
you guys give me the underwire from your bra!

Monica: What?!

Rachel: What?!

Joey: Come on! Who has the biggest boobs?

Monica: Please!!

Joey: Whoever has the biggest boobs, has the biggest bra, therefore
has the biggest wire.

The Girls: No, not getting my bra!

Joey: If you wanna get back in the car, we need the wire, your call.

Phoebe: Okay, Monica�s are the biggest.

Monica: These tiny, little non-breasts?! Please, it�s gotta be Rachel.

Rachel: What, no, no, no, mine are deceptively small I mean, I-I-I
actually sometimes, st-stuff my bra.

Monica: All right then, your bra would still be big.

Rachel: No, I stuff outside the bra.

Chandler: Ladies, ladies, let�s just compromise okay? Phoebe, Rachel
take off Monica�s bra.

Phoebe: All right, forget it, nevermind, you can have mine.

[Chandler crumples up his cigarette pack and throws it on the ground.]

Rachel: (seeing him) Chandler, what are you doing? There is a trash
can right there.

Chandler: Well, I thought if I littered, that crying Indian might come
by and save us.

Phoebe: (finishing removing her bra) Okay, there.

Joey: Thank you Phoebe, that is very, very generous.

Chandler: Okay, now let�s decide who has the nicest ass.

Joey: (opening the door) And there you go!

All: Oh, yeahhhhh!!!

[They all run to get in the cab, and Chandler pulls out a smoke.]

Monica: Chandler!!

Chandler: At least let me smoke it to the good part.

[Phoebe puts the car in gear and starts to back out.]

Phoebe: Okay. (The car moves a few feet and sputters to a stop.) Oh,
no!

Rachel: What, what�s it, what�s going on?

Phoebe: Yeah, this has happened before.

Rachel: So you know how to fix it?

Phoebe: Yep. Put more gas in.

[Scene: Carol and Susan�s, Carol is setting a romantic dinner for
Susan as there is a knock on the door.]

Carol: (answering the door) Hi!

Ross: (entering) Hey.

Carol: Hey, what are you doing here?

Ross: Well, oh just ah, I was just wondering, when you and I split up,
did you get the tape that was half the last episode of M*A*S*H
and half the hostages coming home?

Carol: Ah yeah, but now it�s Susan and me in Mexico and the hostages
coming home.

Ross: Where�s Ben?

Carol: He�s sleeping.

Ross: Ahh. (notices the table) Ooh, is this a ah, is this a bad time?

Carol: Umm, yeah, actually, Susan�s gonna be home any minute, it�s
kinda an anniversary.

Ross: Oh! I thought you guys got married in uh, January?

Carol: It�s not that kind of anniversary.

Ross: Ah! (realises) Oh.

Carol: Sooo!! Anyway...

Ross: Umm, candles, champagne, yeah anniversaries are great. �Cause
you know love lasts forever, y'know. Nothing like it in this
lifetime, money in the bank, so Rachel and I broke up.

Carol: Oh God, Ross I am so sorry.

Ross: Yeah, well.

Carol: Y'know what, I want to talk to you about this so much, but we
should probably do it when we could really get into it, are you
free for dinner tomorrow night?

Ross: Oh yeah, I�d love that.

Carol: Oh, great! Me too.

Ross: I guess it all started when Rachel got this new job. (he sits
down at the table.)

[Scene: The rest stop, Phoebe is on the phone to the motor club.]

Phoebe: Okay, yeah. (to Monica and Rachel) Triple A can pick us up.

Rachel: Great!

Phoebe: Yeah, what town are we near?

Monica: Freemont. West-Westmont, ah Westburg?

Phoebe: (to Monica) Then why are you answering? Do you at least know
what route we�re on?

Rachel: Yeah, we are definitely on Route 27.

Phoebe: Okay. (on phone) We are at a rest stop on Route 27. Okay. (to
Rachel) There is no Route 27. (listens) (to Rachel) Okay,
either 93 or 76?

Rachel: I don�t know, I�m sorry, I always slept in the back when we
drove up here.

Phoebe: Okay. (on phone) Hey, can you send somebody up and down 76
and check every rest stop, and, and also 93? (listens) Okay!
(hangs up) Yeah, no they don�t do that.

Rachel: Ugh, okay, well somebody will come and save us.

Monica: Who? I mean have you seen a car come by here in the last hour
and a half? I think we should call Ross, maybe he can get a
car and come pick us up.

Rachel: No! No, I am not getting in a car with Ross, we will just have
to live here!

Phoebe: But if...

Rachel: No you guys, I am not getting in a car with him, you�ll have
to think of something else.

Phoebe: Oh good, oh Joey and Chandler are back.

[Joey walks up helping Chandler.]

Monica: So the going for help went well?

Joey: Oh yeah, Smokey Joe here got half way to the highway and
collapsed.

Chandler: I have the lung capacity of a two year old. (starts to light
another cigarette.)

Monica: Then why are you smoking?

Chandler: Well it�s very unsettling.

[Scene: Carol and Susan�s, Ross is eating the dinner Carol made for
Susan.]

Ross: ....right? Right? I mean it�s pretty unbelievable y'know, I mean
they just took off, took off without even looking back. Y'know I
don�t, I don�t need them, huh, I�ve got you guys now as friends,
you and Susan.

Carol: Ah, Susan will be so pleased.

[Ross�s beeper goes off.]

Ross: (looking at the page) 717? (to Carol) Where�s 717? (He gets up
to return the page, Carol starts to take the last of the food
into the kitchen, but Ross grabs the last piece.) Hey, you�ve
have more of these for Susan right?

Carol: No. But it�s okay, I�ll just put out pickles or something.

[Cut to the rest stop, Monica and Phoebe are waiting anxiously by the
phone as it rings.]

Phoebe: (answering the phone) (whispering) Ross, thank God.

Ross: Pheebs? What, why are you whispering?

Phoebe: I ate a bug.

[Rachel starts to walk up.]

Monica: (running over to stop Rachel) Hey Rach, the tampons here are
only a penny. Let�s stock up. (takes her into the bathroom)

Phoebe: Listen Ross, we ran out of gas, and we don�t know where we
are, so we can�t get a tow truck.

Ross: Oh, now you want a favour?

Phoebe: Yes, please.

Ross: Well, oh, I�m sorry your car broke down Pheebs, but I�m a little
too busy with some of my real friends right now, but please call
to let me know you got home safely okay?

Carol: (running over and grabbing the phone away from Ross) (on phone)
Phoebe, hang on a second. (Hands Ross her keys) Here, take my
car, go pick up your friends.

Ross: No, I�m not gonna pick them up.

Carol: Listen, we both know you�re gonna do it �cause you�re not a
jerk. Okay? So you can either sulk here for a half hour and
then go pick them up, or save us both time and sulk in the car.

Ross: No, Rachel doesn�t want me to....

Carol: Look, I-I-I am sorry that Rachel dumped you �cause she fell in
love with that Mark guy, and you are the innocent victim in all
of this, but don�t punish your friends for what Rachel did to
you.

Ross: Yeah, you�re right.

Carol: (on phone) Phoebe hang on a second Ross wants to say something.
(listens) What? (listens) (to Ross) You slept with someone
else?!

Ross: We were on a break!!! Okay!! (grabs the phone) We were, we were..
., (calms down) yeah. Where are you? I�ll find you. (hangs up)

Carol: You slept with another woman?

Ross: Oh, you-you�re-you�re one to talk.

[Scene: The rest stop, Joey is making a sign.]

Joey: Okay, done.

Monica: (reading the sign) What�s �pleh�?

Joey: That�s �help� spelled backwards so that the helicopters can read
it from the air!

Monica: Huh. What�s doofus spelled backwards?

[Ross drives up.]

Rachel: (all excited) Op, op, car! Car!! (sees it�s Ross) Ugh!!!

Phoebe: Oh, it�s Ross on one of his drives!

Chandler and Joey: Hey!!

Phoebe: Hi!

Rachel: What is he doing here?!

Ross: He is saving your butt, ah, unless of course I�m stepping on
some toes here, in which case I can just mosey on, I�ve got
plenty of people to help on the Interstate.

All: No! Come on!

Rachel: All right!! Fine! Fine.

[Ross grabs the gas can he brought along, and walks through Joey�s
sign destroying it.]

Joey: Arrrghh!!

Chandler: Oh no, now it�s not gonna make any sense!

Phoebe: (to Chandler and Monica) You guys, what, what do we do about
Ross who drove all the way up here? What do we do? Just like
send him back and we�re then gonna go skiing?

Chandler: Oh, this is horrible, it�s just horrible.

Joey: Guys, do you think we should ask Ross to come along?

Monica: I know, what about Rachel? I mean how are we even gonna ask
her?

Rachel: Ask me what?

Monica: Umm, if ah, it might be okay if Ross came skiing?

Chandler, Phoebe, and Joey: No, I wasn�t gonna ask you that, no.

Rachel: You guys are unbelievable. No! He cannot come.

Ross: Excuse me?

Chandler: It�s horrible.

Ross: (sarcastic) Oh please, can�t I come to your special, magical
cabin?

Rachel: Why would you even want to come Ross? You�re a horrible skier.

Ross: Oh-oh, hitting me where it hurts, my ski skills.

Monica: Here we go again.

Joey: I-I can�t handle this, you guys.

Chandler: Y'know what, I can handle it, handle�s my middle name.
Actually it�s the ah, middle part of my first name.

Ross: All right Pheebs, your cab�s ready.

Rachel: All right, let�s go!

Ross: You�re welcome.

Rachel: Oh, I�m sorry, were you speaking to me or sleeping with
someone else?

Ross: We were on a break!

Rachel: Y'know Ross why don�t you put that on your answering machine!

Ross: Hey-hey, it�s valid okay? And I�m not the only one who thinks
so, Monica agrees with me.

Rachel: (to Monica) What?!

Monica: (shyly) I don�t know.

Ross: That�s what you said last night.

Monica: What I said was, was that I understood. Joey�s the one who
agreed with you!

Ross: Okay.

Rachel: Really Joey?

Joey: (pause) What?

Phoebe: Y'know what, but there is, there is no right or wrong, here.

Rachel: No, I think it�s very obvious who�s wrong here.

Ross: Obviously not to Joey.

[They all turn around and look at Joey.]

Joey: (pause) What?

[They all start fighting with each other.]

Ross: (to Rachel) Look both, Joey and Monica feel the same way that I
do. No-no-no-no.

Chandler: Guys, guys, guess who I am?! (starts dancing around in an
effort to stop the fighting.)

[They stop briefly to look at Chandler, but then start fighting again.]

Phoebe: Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!! Hey!!! (they all stop fighting, Chandler
continues to dance.) Look what you�re doing to Chandler!!
(Chandler finally stops) (to Ross and Rachel) Yeah, look, we
know this is really, really hard for you guys. Okay? (Ross
starts to leave) You don�t, all right you don�t have to love
each other, okay? You don�t, you don�t even have to like each
other much right now. But please, you have to figure out a way
to be around each other.

Joey: Yeah, and not put us in the middle.

Phoebe: Yeah, otherwise, I mean that�s, that�s, that�s just it for us
hanging out together. Y'know is that what you want? (they both
look away) Can you be civil?

Rachel: Yeah.

Ross: I can.

Phoebe: Okay. Good, all right, let�s get back in the car, �cause it�s
freezing, and my chest is unsupported.

Joey: Oh what, wait, wait a second, I mean, what are we doing? Who�s
going with who?

Ross: Look, you guys, you guys should go. (Joey tries to say something,
but Ross cuts him off.) No, I�m, you, you planned this all out,
and I don�t want to ruin it, so you guys should just go.

Joey: Come on man, you drove all the way up here.

Ross: No, no, really, I�ve got to take the car back anyway, I�m
spending all day tomorrow with Ben, It�s fine, no guilt I
promise.

Rachel: Thank you.

Monica: All right, we�ll call you when we get back.

Ross: Okay.

Phoebe: Maybe we can like go to a movie or something.

Ross: Okay.

Phoebe: Or, or the rodeo!!

Ross: That would be great.

Phoebe: Okay!

Chandler: I was being Shelly Winters from The Poseidon Adventure.

Ross: I know!

[They all get in the cab and drive away.]

Phoebe: Bye!!!

[Ross tries to start the truck, and discovers the battery�s dead.]

CLOSING CREDITS

[Scene: Carol and Susan�s, Carol is running to answer the door.]

Carol: (looking through the peephole) Ugh. (opening the door) Ross!

Ross: (entering) Hi! Sorry I�m late. Were you sleeping?

Carol: Ahh, nooo!!

Ross: Oh, great! Listen, oh I had to get you a whole new battery. I
got you the best one I could, �cause that�s not where you want
to skimp.

Carol: You�re a genius, Ross.

Ross: Yeah, well it came to about $112, but what the hell, just call
it an even 110?

Carol: Okay, I�ll pay you tomorrow. (pushes him out the door)

Ross: Okay.

Carol: Okay, bye!!

Ross: So they ah, they all took off, it was pretty hard watching them
go, y'know?

Carol: Yeah, okay, bye. (closes the door, turns out the lights, and
runs back to the bedroom)

Ross: (outside the door) So I�m gonna take off then!

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