Friends

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Monica, and Rachel are sitting on the couch and Ross
is sitting on the chair, and they�re all talking.]

Rachel: Hey! Out of all of us, who do you think is gonna get married next?

Joey: Probably Monica and Chandler.

(A woman walks up to Gunther in the background.)

Woman: (to Gunther) Hi. Could I have a pack of Newport Lights, please?

Gunther: Oh umm, uh we don�t sell cigarettes, but they have them at the
newsstand across the street. (Points.)

Woman: That�d be great, thanks. (Gunther goes and gets them.)

Rachel: (to the gang) Oh my God, Melissa Warburton. I don�t think I have
the energy for this.

Melissa: (Gasps when she notices Rachel) Oh my God! Ray-ray Green?! (Screams)

Rachel: (screaming) Melissa!

Melissa: You have been M.I.A for the past seven sorority newsletters, what�s
up with you?!

Rachel: Wh�(Turns and looks at the gang who�s staring)�Why don�t I tell you over
here? (She walks Melissa away from the gang.)

Melissa: So last I heard you were gonna get married. (Grabs Rachel�s hand and
notices that she doesn�t have a ring on it.) (Sadly) Oh poor Ray-ray.

Rachel: Oh no-no, no! It�s good! It�s all good! I-I actually work at Ralph Lauren!

Melissa: Shut up!

Rachel: I will not! I�m the divisional head of men�s sportswear!

Melissa: Oh shut up more! Now, are you friends with Ralph?

Rachel: Oh please�

Melissa: (excitedly) Are you?!

Rachel: No.

Melissa: Listen, we-we have to have dinner. What-what are you doing tomorrow night?

Rachel: Oh tomorrow, oh I don�t know. Um�

Melissa: You do now. You�re having dinner with me.

Rachel: Shut up.

Melissa: I-I�ve got to go. This has been so great Ray-ray! (Gunther returns with her
cigarettes.) Oh, there you are. (Takes them from Gunther.) (To Rachel) Umm,
so listen, just call me. Here�s my card. (Hands the card over.)

Rachel: Oh, wow thanks! (Reading the card) Oh you�re in real estate!

Melissa: Oh no, that�s-that�s an old card. Umm, I wanted to get out of that and-and
do something where I can really help people and-and make a difference.

Rachel: Wow! What do you do now?

Melissa: (quietly) I�m a party planner. I�ll see you tomorrow. (Exits.)

Rachel: Okay! (Joins the rest of the gang.)

Joey: Hey guys! Look who�s back! It�s Ray-ray!

Rachel: Shut up, that was my friend Melissa from college.

Ross: She seems really, really fun!

Rachel: She�s actually very sweet and we used to be very close.

Monica: Wait a minute, she isn�t� She�s not the one who you�

Joey: (excitedly) Who you what? Who you what?!

Rachel: (To Monica) Yes.

Monica: Wow!

Joey: (excitedly) Wow? Wow what?! Wow what?! Who you�what?!!

Rachel: It�s not a big deal!

Monica: (To Joey) They were lovers.

Ross: What?!

Joey: What?!

Rachel: No we weren�t! It was nothing! It was one night, senior year we went to a
party, had a lot of sangria and y�know, ended up�kissing for a bit.

Ross: So that�s two of my wives.


Opening Credits


[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is working on the seating chart while Chandler
looks on and Rachel reads.]

Monica: (telling Chandler the seating arrangement) Okay, so this is where the band is.
(Points.) And this is where the bar is. (Points) And all these pins have people�s
names on them. (She has pins to show the seating at each of the tables.) And
Rach, here you are. (Points to Rachel�s place.)

Rachel: Oh wow. Why don�t we just take me (Grabs her pin) and put me with a Manhattan
in my hand, talking to the cute bartender. (Puts her pin at the bar and laughs.
Monica just glares at her.) These pins aren�t for playing are they?

Monica: (To Chandler) Okay, the red ones are my guests and the blue ones are yours.

Chandler: This is so sad. I mean, I only have like ten pins.

Monica: Chandler, relax it�s not a contest. (To Rachel) Certainly not a close one.

Joey: (entering) Hello!

Rachel: Hey!

Joey: Hey Rach. (Stares at her.)

Rachel: Stop picturing it!!

Monica: Okay, I think that�s it. The seating chart is done. This is our wedding.
They all look like they�re having fun don�t they?

Joey: Hey, so where are my parents gonna be?

Monica: Oh! (Gets up) Let�s see, well�if this is the wedding hall then umm (Walks
away) you�re parents will be at home in Queens.

Joey: What, they�re not invited?! Oh no, that�s terrible! They�re gonna be crushed!

Monica: Why would they think they�re invited?

Joey: (looking around) You got me. I don�t�

Monica: Joey!

Joey: Well, I�m sorry. I thought parents were coming! Y�know? Your parents are
comin�! Chandler�s parents are comin�! Ross�s parents are comin�!

Monica: Ross�s parents are my parents!

Joey: Well-well�see? Parents are comin�!

Chandler: Y�know I think we should invite them.

Monica: Oh please, you just want more blue pins.

Chandler: Well this is just sad!

Monica: All right, all right. Maybe I can fit them in if I just do some rearranging.
But uh, Rachel may actually have to sit at the bar!

Rachel: That is not a problem.

Joey: (leaning down to her) Maybe you�ll order a little sangria?

Rachel: Oh, get out of here! (Jumps back and walks away.)

[Scene: Ralph Lauren, Rachel is showing Chandler the selection of tuxedos.]

Rachel: (motioning to a rack) So now, these are all the tuxedos that we make and if
there�s anything that you like, we can make you a deal. Anything at all.
(Grabs a few) But these are the three that Monica pre-approved.

Chandler: Well, thanks a lot for hookin� me up Rach. I want you to know that I
want you to attend our wedding as my guest.

Rachel: I�m Monica�s maid of honor. Okay? Don�t try to blue pin me!

Chandler: (sees another rack) Well, what�s the deal with these? These-these look nice.

Rachel: Oh they are nice. We-we custom-make tuxedos for celebrities and then
when they�re done with them they just send �em back.

Chandler: You mean like for award shows?

Rachel: Some of them.

Chandler: You mean these tuxes have been down the red carpet with people yelling,
"Who are you wearing?! You look fabulous!"

Rachel: Honey, might I suggest watching a little more ESPN and a little less E!?

Chandler: Okay, who wore those? (Points to the tuxedos.)

Rachel: Umm, well let�s see uh, this one is Tom Brokaw.

Chandler: Not bad.

Rachel: (reading a tag) This one is uh Paul O�Neil.

Chandler: Who�s that?

Rachel: He plays for the Yankees. Seriously, ESPN! Just once and a while,
have it on in the background. (Chandler nods and Rachel grabs another
tux) Ooh, this one was Pierce Brosnan!

Chandler: Pierce Brosnan?

Rachel: Uh-huh.

Chandler: Are you serious?

Rachel: Yeah.

Chandler: 007?! This is James Bond�s tux?!

Rachel: Yeah.

Chandler: Oh, I have to get married in James Bond�s tux!

Rachel: It�s a pretty cool tux.

Chandler: Oh, it�s not just that, I would be England�s most powerful weapon. Jet
setting heartbreaker on her majesty�s secret service. A man who fears no
one; with a license to kill. (Worried.) Would Monica let me wear this?

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Phoebe are moving chess pieces around on the
board and hitting the timer at random.]

Joey: We should really learn how to play the real way. (Moves another piece.)

Phoebe: I like our way. Oh! (Grabs a piece and jumps a bunch of Joey�s like in
Checkers.) Chess!

Joey: Nice move.

Phoebe: Yeah.

Rachel: (entering) Hey!

Joey: Hey!

Phoebe: Hey!

Rachel: So Joey, I just hooked Ross and Chandler up with some tuxedos for the
wedding: do you need one?

Joey: No, I�m performing the ceremony. I�m not wearing a tux.

Rachel: Well, what are you going to wear?

Joey: Multi-colored robes! Ooh, and maybe a hat.

Rachel: Huh. Does Monica know about this?

Joey: I don�t think so.

Rachel: Can I please be there when you tell her? (Joey nods yes.)

Phoebe: Hey oh, Rach wait! Do you want to go to a movie tonight?

Rachel: Oh, y�know what? I can�t. I have to have dinner with that Melissa girl.

Joey: (excitedly) Can I come?! I won�t even talk! You�ll just hear the noise from
my video camera.

Phoebe: What is this? What�s going on?

Joey: Oh good! Can I tell her?! Can I tell her?!

Rachel: Well, do you want to hear what actually happened or Joey�s lewd version?

Phoebe: Joey�s!

Joey: Okay�

Rachel: Hey, come on! I had this friend from college and I made the stupid mistake
of telling Joey that one time�she and I y�know�kissed a little bit.

Phoebe: (laughs) Yeah, I�m sure that happened.

Rachel: It-it did!

Phoebe: Sure!

Joey: Hey. (Laughs, then seriously) It happened!

Rachel: Yeah, it was senior year in college. It was after the Sigma Chi luau and
Melissa and I got very drunk! And we ended up kissing! For several minutes!

Phoebe: (To Joey) Which means she had a couple spritzers and a quick peck on the cheek.

Joey: Why are you taking this away from me?

Rachel: Yeah, why is it so hard for you to believe?!

Phoebe: Okay! I just�I didn�t know that you are a lesbian. (Joey smiles and nods
lewdly.)

Rachel: I�m not saying that I�m a lesbian! I�m just saying that this happened!

Phoebe: Okay, it just seems pretty wild and you�re so�y�know so�vanilla.

Rachel: (shocked) Vanilla?!

Phoebe: Yeah.

Rachel: I�m not vanilla! I�ve done lots of crazy things! I mean I got-I got drunk and
married in Vegas!

Phoebe: To Ross.

Rachel: All right, y�know what? If you don�t want to believe me about this, why don�t
you just come with me to dinner tonight and she will tell you.

Phoebe: Okay! All right! Yeah! �Cause I just can�t picture it.

Joey: Oh-ho, you should get inside my head.

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is on the couch reading as Ross enters carrying
a garment bag.]

Ross: Hey! Guess what I got for your wedding! (Holding up his garment bag.)

Chandler: A freakish thin date with a hanger for her head?

Ross: No. Rachel hooked me up with a tux! But not just any tux, Batman�s tux!

Chandler: What?

Ross: That�s right! Made expressly for Val Kilmer and worn by him in the hit
film�that Batman film he was in.

Chandler: You can�t wear that! I�m wearing the famous tux! James Bond�s tux!

Ross: So?

Chandler: So�If you wear that you�ll make mine less special.

Ross: Well, you need something to make this day special? Hello! You-you-you
have the most special thing of all! You are marrying the woman you love.

(Chandler mimics him.)

Chandler: Please, don�t take away my cool thing. Please?! Pretty please?!

Ross: Pretty please? Not very uh, 007.

Chandler: Look, it�s my wedding day okay? If you were getting married I would never
do anything to upset you.

Ross: When I got married you slept with my sister.

Chandler: That was pretty 007.

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is still working on the seating chart
as Joey enters.]

Joey: Hey.

Monica: Hey. Oh good-good you�re here! All right, I figured it out. I�m gonna
take two tables of eight, I�m gonna add your parents, and I�m gonna turn
them into three tables of six. Okay? And I called the caterer; I added two
extra meals, we are good to go!

Joey: Yeah, they�re not coming.

Monica: (looking at him) What?!

Joey: Somehow they got the idea that you only invited them because of me.
They�feel a little unwanted.

Monica: Oh that�s too bad. It�s true, but too bad.

Joey: Look Mon, if you could just call my mom�

Monica: Oh Joey!

Joey: Come on! Look just-just tell�let her know that you really want them to be there.
Let�s not forget, this is a woman that has sent you many lasagnas over the years.

Monica: No she hasn�t.

Joey: Is it her fault that some of them didn�t make it to you?

Monica: Well, what am I going to say?

Joey: I don�t know. Just uh, just tell �em it was a mix-up with the invitations,
or�No-no-no! Blame it on the post office. They hate the post office. And
the Irish! But I don�t think you can blame it on them, so� (He dials the
phone and hands it to Monica.)

Monica: (on phone) Hello? (Listens) Yeah, hi! Mrs. Tribbiani? (Listens) Hi, this is
Monica Geller. (Listens) Yeah I�m just calling to say that Chandler and I uh,
really hope you can make it to the wedding. Yeah, apparently a bunch of
invitations that we sent weren�t delivered. Umm, I guess there was some
screw up at the damn post office! (Joey nods his approval.) (Listens) T-Tell
me about it! (Listens) Yeah, yeah, the US Post Office? No, more like US lost
office! (Listens) What, are they Irish?! (Joey gives her a thumbs up.)

[Scene: A restaurant, Melissa, Rachel, and Phoebe are talking.]

Melissa: �anyway, his name is Allan and we�ve been going out for three years. He was
my first client when I became a party planner. He was planning a party for his
girlfriend at the time. Oh well. (Rachel and Phoebe politely laugh) And he
was Theta Beta Pi at Syracuse.

Rachel: Oh. Oh, that�s great!

Melissa: Hmm Phoebe, were you ever in a sorority?

Phoebe: Of course! Yeah, I was uh, umm Thigh Mega Tampon.

Melissa: What one?

Phoebe: Yeah! Y�know, we were really huge too, but then they had to shut us down
when Regina Philange died of alcohol poisoning.

Melissa: Oh, isn�t a shame when one girl ruins it for the whole bunch? (Phoebe
agrees by grunting.)

Rachel: (changing the subject) Anyway, speaking of drinking too much. I was
uh, tellin� Phoebe about that one crazy night after the Sigma Chi luau where
you and I uh, we made out.

Melissa: (shocked) What?

Rachel: Remember?! We�come on, we both had the sarongs on, and we had
the-the coconut bikini tops�

Melissa: Yeah?

Rachel: �we went back to the house and we got really silly and we�we made out.

Melissa: Oh wow, Ray-ray I have no idea what you�re talking about.

Phoebe: Really?!


Commercial Break


[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is on the couch as Chandler disgustedly enters.]

Chandler: Ross is Batman!

Monica: Well, he did manage to keep his identity secret for a long time.

Chandler: Rachel got Ross the tuxedo that Val Kilmer wore in Batman. Okay
Batman is so much cooler than James Bond!

Monica: What are you talking about?! 007 has all those gadgets!

Chandler: Batman has a utility belt!

Monica: 007 has a fancy car!

Chandler: Batman has the Batmobile!

Monica: 007 gets all the ladies.

Chandler: Batman has Robin! (Pause) We get ESPN right?

Monica: How about you go put on your 007 tuxedo and I�ll make you a
nice martini.

Chandler: Actually, I don�t like martinis.

Monica: How about a Youhoo with a funny straw?

Chandler: Ooh, yum! (Runs into the bedroom.)

Joey: (entering) Hey.

Monica: Hey.

Joey: Listen, I know the invitation says 6:00, but does that mean that you want
people to get there at six, or the show is gonna start right at six?

Monica: The show?!

Joey: Right. Right. The wedding, gotcha. But I mean, it�s gonna start a little late
right? I mean, weddings start late. Right?

Monica: Have you ever been to one of my weddings?

Joey: Ah. Yeah. Well look, the thing is it�s the same day as my niece�s christening
and I really want my parents to be there in time to see me. �Cause my part�s just
in the beginning I�m not even in the rest of the show�Wedding!

Monica: The wedding starts at six.

Joey: Okay. Okay, I totally hear ya. Oo how about this? I vamp a little �til they get there?

Monica: You�ll vamp?!

Joey: Yeah! Yeah y�know, like warm up the crowd. Ask �em where they�re from.
�Cause in Joey Tribbiani you get a minister and you get an entertainer. I�m a
minis-tainer! (Rapping) There is no-one better! There is no-one greater!

[Scene: The restaurant, continued from earlier.]

Rachel: How can you not remember us kissing?!

Melissa: I don�t know. I don�t remember a lot of things that never happened.

Rachel: Wh� Come on! Remember? We were on the sleeping porch! We couldn�t stop
giggling? And our coconuts kept knockin� together?

Phoebe: Oh, somewhere Joey�s head is exploding.

Rachel: Yeah�but come on�Listen, I�m sorry I don�t want to make you uncomfortable,
but I told Phoebe that it happened and she doesn�t believe me.

Melissa: I�m sorry Ray-ray. I mean if I thought it happened I would say it. Maybe I
passed out and you did stuff to me while I was sleeping.

Rachel: No!!

Phoebe: Rachel, it�s okay. You don�t have to do this. I believe you. All right? Okay,
if-if you say that you kissed Melissa, then you kissed Melissa.

Rachel: Thank you Phoebe.

Melissa: She didn�t.

Phoebe: I know.

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Chandler are working on the seating
chart as Ross enters carrying his tux around.]

Ross: Hey!

Monica: You just carry that around?

Ross: Yes. I find it to be something of a conversation piece.

Monica: Between you and�

Ross: Gunther. (To Chandler) Hey-hey! Why don�t we put them on? Y�know get a
picture of Batman and James Bond together.

Chandler: I would but mine doesn�t fit. The pants are a little tight.

Monica: A little tight? I could see double-oh and seven in those pants.

Ross: Well that stinks. I was looking forward to us wearing our celebrity tuxes together.

Chandler: Well, does that mean that you�re not going to be wearing yours?

Ross: What, are you kidding? It�s Batman�s tux!!

Chandler: (standing up) Let me try it on!

Ross: Okay, but just the jacket. Double-oh and seven are not gettin� in there.

Chandler: (trying on the jacket) Okay. Holy double-vented comfort Batman!
(Finds something in the pocket) What�s this?

Ross: What?

Chandler: An invitation for the At First Sight premiere? Oh my God! Val Kilmer didn�t
wear this in Batman! He wore it to the premiere of some tooty-fruity love
story where he played a blind guy!

Ross: Let me see that! (Grabs the invitation and reads it.) Oh man!

Chandler: The only superpower you have is a slightly heightened sense of smell.
(Hands him the jacket and walks away.)

Joey: (entering) Hey! Uh, Monica? Chandler? Can I talk to you guys for a second?

Monica: All right that�s it, I give up! Whatever you want you can have it! You wanna
sing a song? You wanna do a dance? You want your mom to stand at the altar
and scream racial slurs? I don�t care!

Joey: No! No, I-I just wanna thank you guys for what you did for my parents, that was
really sweet. They�re so happy they get to be a part of your special day.

Monica: (defeated) Oh.

Chandler: Well, you�re welcome. And tell them we�re really glad they�re coming.

Joey: Okay. I will. Ohh! Check out what they got me to wear for the ceremony!
(Runs to his apartment and returns wearing a rather silly hat.) Huh? I wear it
like this when I marry you guys, and then this (He tilts it to the side of his
head) is for party time.

[Scene: Outside the restaurant, Melissa, Phoebe, and Rachel are emerging.]

Rachel: It happened! I am telling you it happened!

Melissa: Okay. (To Phoebe) Well, it was great meeting you. And uh Rachel, I-I don�t
think I�ll be calling you (hails a cab) because umm, y�know you�ve gotten weird.
(The cab pulls up.) Take care you guys.

(She�s about to get in when�)

Rachel: What?! Wait a minute! No wait a minute! (She does so.) Okay? Look, that night
was the one wild thing I have ever done in my entire life, and I�m not gonna let
you take that away from me! Okay, so if you don�t remember that, maybe you
will remember this! (She grabs Melissa and kisses her on the lips.)

Melissa: My God! You love me!

Rachel: (shocked) What?

Melissa: Of course I remember our kiss. I think about it all the time. I can still hear the coconuts
knockin� together I� (Phoebe is shocked.) I just didn�t want to tell you �cause I
didn�t think that you�d return my love, and now that you have� (Leans in to kiss Rachel.)

Rachel: (moving away) Whoa! Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Melissa: Aww, look who�s being suddenly shy. You can�t tell me you don�t feel what I feel.
Nobody can kiss that good and not mean it. (Goes in again.)

Rachel: (moves away again) I-I-I-I�m just�I�m just a good kisser!

Melissa: (suddenly frightened) Shut up!

Rachel: I�m sorry!

Melissa: (laughs) Oh you don�t have to be (Laughs again) sorry. I�m�I�m obviously kidding.
I�m not in love with you. (To Phoebe) I�m not in love with her. I don�t hear coconuts
banging together. Yeah, I don�t�picture your face when I make love to my
boyfriend. Anyway, I gotta go. Eh�kiss good-bye? (Rachel stares at her stunned.)
No? Okay. (Hurries into the cab and drives off.)

Rachel: Wow! I mean I had no idea that that was gonna�

(Suddenly, Phoebe leans in and kisses her on the lips!)

Rachel: What the hell was that?!

Phoebe: I just wanted to see what all the fuss was about.

Rachel: And?

Phoebe: I�ve had better.


Ending Credits


[Scene: Ralph Lauren, Rachel is hooking Chandler up with another tuxedo.]

Chandler: (yelling from the changing room) All right! I found one that fits!

Rachel: Well y�know what they say, the 23rd time�s the charm. (Chandler enters.)
Aww, look at you all handsome!

Chandler: Whose is it?

Rachel: Oh does it matter?! All that matters is that you look so handsome.

Chandler: Whose is it?

Rachel: I don�t want to say.

Chandler: Oh, come on! I don�t care! Come on! Whose is it?

Rachel: Diane Keaton.

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