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Season 1
101 - The One Where Monica Gets A New Roomate
102 - The One With The Sonogram At The End
103 - The One With The Thumb
104 - The One With George Stephanoloulos
105 - The One With The East German Laundry Detergent
106 - The One With The Butt
107 - The One With The Blackout
108 - The One Where Nana Dies Twice
109 - The One Where Underdog Gets Away
110 - The One With The Monkey
111 - The One With Mrs.Bing
112 - The One With The Dozen Lasagnes
113 - The One With The Boobies
114 - The One With The Candy Hearts
115 - The One With The Stoned Guy
116 - The One With Two Parts, Part 1
117 - The One With Two Parts, Part 2
118 - The One With All The Poker
119 - The One Where The Monkey Gets Away
120 - The One With The Evil Orthodontist
121 - The One With The Fake Monica
122 - The One With The Ick Factor
123 - The One With The Birth
124 - The One Where Rachel Finds Out

Season 2
201 - The One With Ross' New Girlfriend
202 - The One With The Breast Milk
203 - The One Where Heckles Dies
204 - The One With Phoebe's Husband
205 - The One With Five Steaks And An Eggplant
206 - The One With The Baby On The Bus
207 - The One Where Ross Finds Out
208 - The One With The List
209 - The One With Phoebe's Dad
210 - The One With Russ
211 - The One With The Lesbian Wedding
212 - The One After The Superbowl, Part 1
213 - The One After The Superbowl, Part 2
214 - The One With The Prom Video
215 - The One Where Ross And Rachel... You Know
216 - The One Where Joey Moves Out
217 - The One Where Eddie Moves In
218 - The One Where Dr.Remore Dies
219 - The One Where Eddie Won't Go
220 - The One Where Old Yeller Dies
221 - The One With The Two Bullies
222 - The One With The Two Parties
223 - The One With The Chickenpox
224 - The One With Barry And Mindy's Wedding

Season 3
301 - The One With The Princess Leia Fantasy
302 - The One Where No-One's Ready
303 - The One With The Jam
304 - The One With The Metaphorical Tunnel
305 - The One With Frank Jnr
306 - The One With The Flashback
307 - The One With The Race Car Bed
308 - The One With The Giant Poking Device
309 - The One With The Football
310 - The One Where Rachel Quits
311 - The One Where Chandler Can`t Remember Which Sister
312 - The One With All The Jealousy
313 - The One Where Monica And Richard Are Friends
314 - The One With Phoebe`s Ex-Partner
315 - The One Where Ross And Rachel Take A Break
316 - The One With The Morning After
317 - The One With The Ski Trip
318 - The One With The Hypnosis Tape
319 - The One With The Tiny T-Shirt
320 - The One With The Dollhouse
321 - The One With The Chick and the Duck
322 - The One With The Screamer
323 - The One With Ross's Thing
324 - The One With The Ultimate Fighting Champion
325 - The One At The Beach

Season 4
401 - The One With The Jelly Fish
402 - The One With The Cat
403 - The One With The `Cuffs
404 - The One With The Ballroom Dancing
405 - The One With Joey's New Girlfriend
406 - The One With The Dirty Girl
407 - The One Where Chandler Crosses The Line
408 - The One With Chandler In A Box
409 - The One Where They're Gonna Party!
410 - The One With The Girl From Poughkeepsie
411 - The One With Phoebe's Uterus
412 - The One With The Embryos
413 - The One With Rachel`s Crush
414 - The One With Joey`s Dirty Day
415 - The One With All The Rugby
416 - The One With The Fake Party
417 - The One With The Free Porn
418 - The One With Rachel`s New Dress
419 - The One With All The Haste
420 - The One With All The Wedding Dresses
421 - The One With The Invitation
422 - The One With The Worst Best Man Ever
423 - The One With Ross`s Wedding Part I and II

Season 5
501 - The One After Ross Said Rachel
502 - The One With All The Kissing
503 - The One Hundredth
504 - The One Where Phoebe Hates PBS
505 - The One With All The Kips
506 - The One With The Yeti
507 - The One Where Ross Moves In
508 - The One With The Thanksgiving Flashbacks
509 - The One With Ross's Sandwich
510 - The One With The Inappropriate Sister
511 - The One With All The Resolutions
512 - The One With Chandler's Work Laugh
513 - The One With Joey's Bag
514 - The One Where Everyone Finds Out
515 - The One With The Girl Who Hits Joey
516 - The One With A Cop
517 - The One With Rachel's Inadvertant Kiss
518 - The One Where Rachel Smokes
519 - The One Where Ross Can't Flirt
520 - The One With The Ride Along
521 - The One With The Ball
522 - The One With Joey's Big Break
523 - The One In Vegas (Season Finale/Hour Long Episode)

Season 6
601 - The One After Vegas
602 - The One Where Ross Hugs Rachel
603 - The One With Ross’s Denial
604 - The One Where Joey Loses His Insurance
605 - The One With Joey’s Porsche
606 - The One With The Last Night
607 - The One Where Phoebe Runs
608 - The One With Ross’s Teeth
609 - The One Where Ross Got High
610 - The One With The Routine
611 - The One With The Apothecary Table
612 - The One With The Joke
613 - The One With Rachels Sister
614 - The One Where Chandler Can't Cry
615 - The One That Could Have Been (Parts 1 & 2)
617 - The One With The Unagi
618 - The One Where Ross Dates A Student
619 - The One With Joey’s Fridge
620 - The One With Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.
621 - The One Where Ross Meets Elizabeth’s Dad
622 - The One Where Paul’s The Man
623 - The One With The Ring
624 - The One With The Proposal(Season Finale)

Season 7
701 - The One With Monica’s Thunder
702 - The One With Rachel’s Book
703 - The One With Phoebe’s Cookies
704 - The One With Rachel’s Assistant
705 - The One With The Engagement Picture
706 - The One With The Nap Partners
707 - The One With Ross's Library Book
708 - The One Where Chandler Doesn't Like Dogs
709 - The One With All The Candy
710 - The One With The Holiday Armadilio
711 - The One With All The Cheesecakes
712 - The One Where They're Up All Night
713 - The One Where Rosita Dies
714 - The One Where They All Turn Thirty
715 - The One With Joey's New Brain
716 - The One With The Truth About London
717 - The One With The Cheap Wedding Dress
718 - The One With Joey's Award
719 - The One With Ross and Monica's Cousin
720 - The One With Rachel's Big Kiss
721 - The One With The Vows
722 - The One With Chandler's Dad
723 - The One With Monica and Chandler's Wedding

Season 8
801 - The One After "I Do"
802 - The One With The Red Sweater
803 - The One Where Rachel Tells...
804 - The One With The Videotape
805 - The One With Rachel's Date
806 - The One With The Halloween Party
807 - The One With The Stain
808 - The One With The Stripper
809 - The One With The Rumor
810 - The One With Monica's Boots
811 - The One With Ross's Step Forward
812 - The One Where Joey Dates Rachel
813 - The One Where Chandler Takes a Bath
814 - The One With The Secret Closet
815 - The One With The Birthing Video
816 -The One Where Joey Tells Rachel
817 - The One With The Tea Leaves
818 - The One In Massapequa
819 - The One With Joey's Interview
820 - The One With The Baby Shower
821 - The One With The Cooking Class
822 - The One Where Rachel Is Late
823 - The One Where Rachel Has A Baby

Season 9
901 - The One Where No One Proposes
902 - The One Where Emma Cries
903 - The One With the Pediatrician
904 - The One With The Sharks
905 - The One With Phoebe's Birthday Dinner
906 - The One With The Male Nanny (200th Episode)
907 - The One With Ross's Inappropriate Song
908 - The One With Rachel's Other Sister
909 - The One With Rachel's Phone Number
910 - The One With Christmas In Tulsa
911 - The One Where Rachel Goes Back To Work
912 - The One With Phoebe's Rats
913 - The One Where Monica Sings
914 - The One With The Blind Dates
915 - The One With The Mugging
916 - The One With The Boob Job
917 - The One With the Memorial Service
918 - The One With the Lottery
919 - The One With Rachel's Dream
920 - The One With the Soap Opera Party
921 - The One With The Fertility Test
922 - The One With The Donor
923 - The One In Barbados Parts 1 & 2

Season 10
1001 - The One After Joey and Rachel Kiss
1002 - The One Where Ross is Fine
1003 - The One Whit Ross' Tan
1004 - The One With The Cake
1005 - The One Where Rachel's Sister Babysits
1006 - The One With Ross' Grant
1007 - The One With The Home Study
1008 - The One With The Late Thanksgiving
1009 - The One With The Birth Mother
1010 - The One Where Chandler Gets Caught
1011 - The One Where The Stripper Cries
1012 - The One With Phoebe's Wedding
1013 - The One Where Joey Speaks French
1014 - The One With Princess Consuela
1015 - The One Where Estelle Dies
1016 - The One With Rachel's Going Away Party
1017/1018 - The Last One
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The One With the Evil Orthodontist
Originally written by Doty Abrams
Transcribed by guineapig

PRE-INTRO SCENE: RACHEL+MONICA'S APARTMENT (ALL PRESENT)

CHANDLER: I can't believe you would actually say that. I would much
rather be Mr.Peanut than Mr.Salty.

JOEY: No way! Mr.Salty is a sailor, all right, he's got to be,
like, thetoughest snack there is.

ROSS: I don't know, you don't wanna mess with corn nuts. They're
craaazy.

MONICA: (LOOKING OUT OF WINDOW) Oh my God. You guys! You gotta
come see this! There's some creep out there with a telescope!

ROSS: I can't believe it! He's looking right at us!

RACHEL: Oh, that is so sick.

CHANDLER: I feel violated. And not in a good way.

PHOEBE: How can people do that?... (ALL BUT PHOEBE WALK AWAY FROM
THE WINDOW IN DISGUST) Oh, you guys, look! Ugly Naked Guy
got gravity boots!

OPENING TITLES


SCENE 1: CENTRAL PERK (ALL PRESENT EXCEPT RACHEL)

CHANDLER: I am telling you, years from now, schoolchildren will
study it as one of the greatest first dates of all time.
It was unbelievable! We could totally be ourselves, we
didn't have to play any games...

MONICA: So have you called her yet?

CHANDLER: Let her know I like her? What are you, insane? (THE GIRLS
MAKE DISGUSTED NOISES) It's the next day! How needy do I
want to seem? (TO THE GUYS) I'm right, right?

JOEY+ROSS: Oh, yeah. Yeah. Let her dangle.

MONICA: I can't believe my parents are actually pressuring me to
find one of you people.

PHOEBE: Oh, God, just do it! (GETTING PHONE) Call her! Stop being so
testosteroney!

CHANDLER: Which, by the way, is the real San Francisco treat. (CALLS
HER, THEN HURRIEDLY HANGS UP) I got her machine.

JOEY: Her answer machine?

CHANDLER: No, interestingly enough her leaf blower picked up.

PHOEBE: So, uh, why didn't you say anything?

CHANDLER: Oh, no no no no. Last time I left a spontaneous message
I ended up using the phrase 'Yes indeedy-o'.

MONICA: Look look! It's Rachel and Barry. No, don't everybody look at
once!

ROSS: Okay, okay, what's going on?

PHOEBE: Okay, they're just talking...

ROSS: Yeah, well, does he look upset? Does he look like he was just
told to shove anything?

PHOEBE: No, no actually, he's smiling.. and... Oh my God, don't do
that!!

ROSS: What? What? What?!

PHOEBE: That man across the street just kicked that pigeon!
(ENTER RACHEL) Oh!

CHANDLER: (BLUFFING) And basically, that's how a bill becomes a law.

ALL: Oh!... Right!

CHANDLER: Hey Rach!

MONICA: How'd it go?

RACHEL: Y'know, it was, uh.. it was actually really great. He took
me to lunch at the Russian Tea Room, and I had that chicken,
where y'know you poke it and all the butter squirts out...

PHOEBE: Not a good day for birds...

RACHEL: Then we took a walk down to Bendall's, and I told him not
to, but he got me a little bottle of Chanel...

ROSS: That's nice... now, was that before or after you told him to
stop calling, stop sending you flowers and to generally leave
you alone, hmm?

RACHEL: Right,.. well,.. we never actually got to that... Oh, it was
just so nice to see him again, y'know? It was comfortable,
it was familiar... it was just nice!

ROSS: That's, that's nice twice!

MONICA: Rachel, what's going on? I mean isn't this the same Barry
who you left at the altar?

JOEY: Duh, where've you been?

RACHEL: Yeah, but it was different with him today! And he wasn't,
like, Orthodontist Guy, y'know? I mean, we had fun! Is there
anything wrong with that?

(ROSS 'PROMPTS' CHANDLER BY HITTING HIM ON THE ARM)

CHANDLER: Yes!

RACHEL: Why?

CHANDLER: I have my reasons.

MONICA: Okay, how about the fact that he's engaged to another woman,
who just happens to be your ex- best friend?

RACHEL: All right. All right all right all right all right, I know
it's stupid! I will go see him this afternoon, and I will
just put an end to it!

(QUICK CUT TO THE POST-COITAL RACHEL AND BARRY IN BARRY'S SURGERY)

RACHEL: Wow... Wow!

BARRY: Yeah.

RACHEL: I'm not crazy, right? I mean, it was never like that.

BARRY: Nooo, it wasn't.

RACHEL: Ooh, and it's so nice having this little sink here...

SCENE 2: RACHEL+MONICA'S APARTMENT (ALL PRESENT EXCEPT RACHEL)

CHANDLER: (ON PHONE; READING FROM A SCRIPT) Oh, Danielle! I wasn't
expecting the machine... Give me a call when you get a
chance. (RATTLES SOME DISHES) Bye bye. (HANGS UP) Oh God!

MONICA: THAT's what you've been working on for the past two hours?!

CHANDLER: Hey, I've been honing!

ROSS: What was with the dishes?

CHANDLER: Oh, uh.. I want her to think I might be in a restaurant..
y'know? I might have some kind of life, like I haven't
been sitting around here honing for the past few hours.

MONICA: (RE WINDOW) Look look! He's doing it again, the guy with the
telescope!

PHOEBE: Oh my God! (WALKS TO WINDOW) Go away! (GESTICULATING) Stop
looking in here!

MONICA: Great, now he's waving back.

JOEY: Man, we gotta do something about that guy. This morning,
I caught him looking into our apartment. It creeps me out! I
feel like I can't do stuff!

MONICA: What kinda stuff..?

JOEY: Will you grow up? I'm not talking about sexy stuff, but,
like, when I'm cooking naked.

PHOEBE: You cook naked?

JOEY: Yeah, toast, oatmeal... nothing that spatters.

(A PAUSE AS THEY LOOK AT CHANDLER)

CHANDLER: What are you looking at me for? I didn't know that.

SCENE 3: BARRY'S SURGERY (RACHEL AND BARRY ARE GETTING DRESSED)

BARRY: What's the matter?

RACHEL: Oh, it's just... Oh, Barry, this was not good.

BARRY: No, it was. It was very very good.

RACHEL: Well, what about Mindy?

BARRY: Oh, way, way better than Mindy.

RACHEL: No, not that, I mean, what about you and Mindy?

BARRY: Well, if you want, I'll just- I'll just break it off
with her.

RACHEL: No. No no no no, no. I mean, don't do that. Not, I mean
not for me.

BERNICE: (OVER INTERCOM) Dr. Farber, Bobby Rush is here for his
adjustment.

BARRY: (INTO INTERCOM) Thanks, Bernice. (TO RACHEL) Let's go away
this weekend.

RACHEL: Oh, Barry..! Come on, this is all way too..

BARRY: We can, we can go to Aruba! When I went there on what
would have been our honeymoon, it was, uh... it was really
nice. You would've liked it.

(PAUSE AS RACHEL REALISES...)

RACHEL: I had a bra.

(BARRY FINDS IT DRAPED ON A CUPBOARD AND GIVES IT TO RACHEL.
THEY KISS. ENTER BOBBY)

BOBBY: Hey, Dr. Farber.

(RACHEL AND BARRY QUICKLY SPLIT AND PRETEND BARRY IS EXAMINING
RACHEL'S MOUTH)

BARRY: All right Miss Green, everything looks fine... Yep, I
think we're starting to see some real progress here.

(BOBBY LOOKS ON, DEADPAN)

RACHEL: What?!

BOBBY: I'm twelve, I'm not stupid.

(RACHEL GIVES HIM A LOOK)

SCENE 4: RACHEL+MONICA'S (ENTER CHANDLER CLUTCHING PHONE)

CHANDLER: Can I use your phone?

MONICA: Yeah.. uh, but for future reference, that thing in your
hand can also be used as a phone.

(CHANDLER DIALS HIS OWN PHONE. IT RINGS)

CHANDLER: Yes, it's working! Why isn't she calling me back?

JOEY: Maybe she never got your message.

PHOEBE: Y'know, if you want, you can call her machine, and if she
has a lot of beeps, that means she probably didn't get her
messages yet.

CHANDLER: Y'don't think that makes me seem a little...

ROSS: ...desperate, needy, pathetic?

CHANDLER: Ah, you obviously saw my personal ad.

(HE CALLS)

PHOEBE: How many beeps?

CHANDLER: She answered.

MONICA: Y'see, this is where you'd use that 'hello' word we talked
about.

CHANDLER: I'm not gonna talk to her, she obviously got my message
and is choosing not to call me. Now I'm needy and snubbed.
God, I miss just being needy.

(ENTER RACHEL)

ALL: Hey! Hi!

PHOEBE: How'd he take it?

RACHEL: Pretty well, actually... (WANDERING INTO KITCHEN)

MONICA: (WANDERING IN AFTER HER) Uh, Rach... how come you have
dental floss in your hair?

RACHEL: Oh, do I?

MONICA: Uh huh.

RACHEL: (LOW VOICE)....We ended up having sex in his chair.

MONICA: You had SEX in his CHAIR?!... I said that a little too
loudly, didn't I?

ROSS: You- you had what?

PHOEBE: Sex in his chair.

ROSS: What, uh... what were you thinking?

RACHEL: I don't know! I mean, we still care about each other.
There's a history there. 'S'like you and Carol.

ROSS: No! No no, it is nothing like me and Carol!

RACHEL: Please. If she said to you, "Ross, I want you on this couch,
right here, right now", what would you say?

(ROSS FLOUNDERS)

CHANDLER: If it helps, I could slide over.

ROSS: It's, it's, it's, uh, a totally diferent situation! It's,
it's apples and oranges, it's, it's orthodontists and
lesbi- I gotta go.

PHOEBE: Where are you going?

ROSS: (GOING) I just have to go, all right? Do I need a reason?
Huh? I mean I have things to do with my life, I have a jam
packed schedule, and I am late- for keeping up with it. Okay?

(EXIT ROSS. A PHONE RINGS. CHANDLER DIVES FOR HIS PHONE)

CHANDLER: Hello? Hello?

(RACHEL PICKS UP THEIR PHONE.. AND THE RINGING STOPS. AS SHE TALKS
ON THE PHONE, AN ELABORATE VISUAL GAG IS SPUN OUT WHICH IS TOO
DIFFICULT TO DESCRIBE IN WORDS)

RACHEL: Hello? Mindy! Hi! Hey, how are you? Yes, yes, I've heard,
congratulations, that is so great. Really? Oh. Okay. Okay,
well I'm working tomorrow, but if you want you can, you can,
you can come by and... okay... great... great... all right,
so I'll, so I'll see you tomorrow! Okay.. okay... bye.
(SITS DOWN HEAVILY) Oh God. Oh God. Oh God.

CHANDLER: So how's Mindy?

RACHEL: Oh, she wants to see me tomorrow...Oh, she sounded really
weird, I gotta call Barry... (DOES SO) Hi, it's me, I just..
Mindy!! Mindy! Hi! No, I figured that's where you'd be!

(AD BREAK)

SCENE 5: RACHEL AND MONICA'S (MORNING. CHANDLER IS SITTING, STARING
AT HIS PHONE)

(ENTER MONICA, WHO CREEPS UP NEXT TO CHANDLER)

MONICA: Brrrrrrr!

(CHANDLER CLUTCHES AT HIS PHONE BEFORE REALISING)

CHANDLER: Hell is filled with people like you.

(ENTER JOEY)

JOEY: He's back! The peeper's back!

(ENTER RACHEL FROM HER BEDROOM)

JOEY: (DUCKING) Get down!

RACHEL: Get down?

CHANDLER: ...And boogie!

RACHEL: Thanks, but I gotta go to work and get my eyes scratched
out by Mindy.

MONICA: Relax. Y'know, she may not even know.

RACHEL: Please. I haven't heard from her in seven months, and
now she calls me? I mean, what else is it about? Oh! She
was my best friend, you guys! We went to camp together...
she taught me how to kiss..

JOEY: (INTRIGUED) Yeah?

RACHEL: And now, y'know, I'm like... I'm like the other woman! I
feel so..

JOEY: ..Naughty!

RACHEL: Right, I'll see you guys later...

JOEY: Oh, hold up, I'll walk out with you. Now, Rach, when she
taught you to kiss, you were at camp, and.. were you wearing
any kinda little uniform, or- (EXIT RACHEL, SLAMMING DOOR IN
HIS FACE) That's fine, yeah...

(EXIT JOEY)

CHANDLER: Okay, I'm gonna go to the bathroom. Will you watch
my phone?

MONICA: Why don't you just take it with you?

CHANDLER: Hey, we haven't been on a second date, she needs to
hear me pee?

MONICA: Why don't you just call her?

CHANDLER: I can't call her, I left a message! I have some pride.

MONICA: Do you?

CHANDLER: No! (CALLS) Danielle, hi! It's, uh, it's Chandler! I'm
fine. Uh, listen, I don't know if you tried to call me,
because, uh, idiot that I am, I accidentally shut off my
phone. Oh, uh, okay, that's fine, that's great. Okay.
(PUTS DOWN PHONE) She's on the other line, she's gonna call
me back. (DOES A LITTLE JIG) She's on the other line, she's
gonna call me back, she's on the other line, gonna call me back...

MONICA: Don't you have to pee?

CHANDLER: 'S'why I'm dancing...

SCENE 6: CENTRAL PERK (RACHEL IS SERVING COFFEE. ENTER MINDY)

RACHEL: Mindy.

MINDY: Hey, you.

RACHEL: Hey, you.... So, what's up?

MINDY: Um.. we should really be sitting for this.

RACHEL: Sure we should... So.

MINDY: Now- I know things've been weird lately, but you're like my
oldest friend in the world.. except for maybe Laurie Schaffer,
who I don't talk to anywhere, 'cause she's all bitter now that
she lost the weight and it turns out she doesn't have a
pretty face. ....Okay, I'm just gonna ask you this once,
and I want a straight answer.

RACHEL: Okay.

MINDY: Will you be my maid of honour?

RACHEL: Of course!

MINDY: Oh that's so great!

RACHEL: Was that all you wanted to ask me?

MINDY: That's all!

RACHEL: Ohhhh!! (MINDY STARTS TO SOB) ...What? What?

MINDY: That's not all.

RACHEL: Oh sure it is!

MINDY: Oh no, it isn't! No! I think Barry is seeing someone in
the city.

RACHEL: Um, what- what would make you think that?

MINDY: Well, ever since we announced the engagement, he's been
acting really weird, and then last night, he came home
smelling like Chanel.

RACHEL: (DRAWS BACK) Really. Mindy, if it'll make you feel any
better, when I was engaged to him he went through a whole
weird thing too.

MINDY: Oh God! You see, that's what I was afraid of!

RACHEL: What? What's what you were afraid of?

MINDY: Okay, okay... when Barry was engaged to you, he and I- kind
of- had a little thing on the side.

RACHEL: What?

MINDY: I know. I know, and when he proposed to me, everyone said
"Don't do it, he's just gonna do to you what he did to
Rachel", and- now I feel so stupid.

RACHEL: Uh.. Oh, Mindy, you are so stupid. Oh, we are both so
stupid.

MINDY: What do you mean?

RACHEL: (OFFERS HER ARM TO MINDY. SHE SNIFFS) Smell familiar?

MINDY: Oh no.

RACHEL: Oh, I am so sorry.

MINDY: No me, I am so sorry...

(THEY HUG. ENTER JOEY)

JOEY: (WATCHES THEM FOR A WHILE) Oh my.

SCENE 7: MONICA AND RACHEL'S (PHOEBE AND ROSS ARE DOING CROSSWORDS.
MONICA IS COOKING. CHANDLER IS STILL STARING AT HIS PHONE.)

ROSS: Four letters: "Circle or hoop".

CHANDLER: Ring dammit, ring!

ROSS: Thanks.

(ENTER JOEY)

JOEY: Hey, you know our phone's not working?

CHANDLER: What?!

JOEY: I tried to call you from the coffee shop, and there was no
answer.

CHANDLER: (INVESTIGATING) I turned it off. Mother of God, I turned
it off!

MONICA: Just like you told her you did! (CHANDLER GIVES HER A
LOOK) ... Just pointing out the irony.

JOEY: Hey, so listen, I went across the street and talked to the
doorman- I got the peeper's name! Can I use the phone?

CHANDLER: Nngghhh!!!!!!!

JOEY: (TO MONICA) Can I use your phone? (ON PHONE) Yeah, the
number for a Sidney Marks, please.

ROSS: "Heating device".

PHOEBE: Radiator.

ROSS: Five letters.

PHOEBE: Rdtor.

JOEY: Yeah, is Sidney there? Oh, this is? (TO THE GANG) Sidney's
a woman.

MONICA: So she's a woman! So what?

JOEY: Yeah. Yeah, so what? (TO PHONE) Look, I live across the
street, (WALKING TO WINDOW) and I know all about you and your
little telescope, and I don't appreciate it, okay? Yeah,
I can see you right now! Hello! If I wanna walk around my
apartment in my underwear, I shouldn't have to feel like-
Thank you, but... that's not really the point... The point
is that... mostly free weights, but occasionally..

MONICA: Joey!!

JOEY: (STILL ON PHONE) Yeah, my neighbour... Yeah, the brunette...
(TO MONICA) She says you looked very pretty the other day
in the green dress.

MONICA: The green dress? Really?

JOEY: Yeah, she said you looked like Ingrid Bergman that day.

MONICA: (WAVES DISMISSIVELY TO SIDNEY) Nooo!

(CUT TO BARRY'S SURGERY. BARRY IS PREPARING TOOLS ALONE)

(ENTER RACHEL)

RACHEL: Hey. Got a second?

BARRY: Sure, sure. Come on... (ENTER MINDY) ...in...

MINDY: Hello, sweetheart.

BARRY: Uh... uh... what're'you... what're'you guys doing here?

RACHEL: Uh, we are here to break up with you.

BARRY: Both of you?

MINDY: Basically, we think you're a horrible human being, and bad
things should happen to you.

BARRY: I'm sorry... I'm sorry, God, I am so sorry, I'm an idiot,
I was weak, I couldn't help myself! Whatever I did, I only
did because I love you so much!

RACHEL: Uh- which one of us are you talking to there, Barr?

BARRY: ....Mindy. Mindy, of course Mindy, it was always Mindy.

RACHEL: Even when we were having sex in that chair?

BARRY: (TO MINDY) I swear, whatever I was doing, I was always
thinking of you.

RACHEL: Please! During that second time you couldn't have picked
her out of a lineup!

MINDY: (TO RACHEL) You did it twice?

RACHEL: Well, the first time didn't really count... I mean, y'know,
's'Barry.

MINDY: Okay...

BARRY: (TO MINDY) Sweetheart, just gimme- gimme another chance,
okay, we'll start all over again. We'll go back to Aruba.

BERNICE: (OVER INTERCOM) Dr. Farber, we've got a bit of an emergency
here...Jason Costalano is choking on his retainer.

BARRY: Oh God... (TO INTERCOM) I'll be right there, Bernice.
(TO MINDY) Look, please, please don't go anywhere, okay?
I'll be- I'll be right back.

(EXIT BARRY)

RACHEL: Okay. Okay, we'll be here! Hating you! Did you see how
he was sweating when he walked out of there? Listen honey,
if I'm hogging the ball too much you just jump right in
there and take a couple punches because I'm telling you,
this feels GREAT.

MINDY: Yeah... I'm pretty sure I'm still gonna marry him.

RACHEL: What are you talking about?! Mindy, the guy is the devil!
He's Satan in a smock!

MINDY: Look, I know he's not perfect, but the truth is, at the
end of the day, I still really wanna be Mrs. Dr. Barry
Farber, DDS.

RACHEL: Oh God.

MINDY: I hope you can find some way to be happy for me. And I hope
you'll still be my maid of honour...?

RACHEL: And I hope Barry doesn't kill you and eat you in Aruba.

SCENE 8: MONICA AND RACHEL'S (JUST MONICA AND RACHEL)

MONICA: You okay?

RACHEL: Yeah.

MONICA: Really?

RACHEL: Yeah! Y'know, ever since I ran out on Barry at the wedding,
I have wondered whether I made the right choice. And now I
know.

MONICA: Aww... (THEY HUG)

(ENTER JOEY, WHO LOOKS ON APPROVINGLY)

JOEY: Big day.

CLOSING CREDITS


SCENE: CENTRAL PERK (ALL PRESENT)

JOEY: All right, I'll give you this, Mr. Peanut is a better dresser.
I mean he's got the monocle, he's got the top hat...

PHOEBE: You know he's gay?

ROSS: I just wanna clarify this: are you outing Mr. Peanut?

(ENTER DANIELLE)

DANIELLE: Chandler?

CHANDLER: Danielle! Hi! Uh- everybody, this is Danielle, Danielle,
everybody.

ALL: Hi. Hi.

CHANDLER: What are you doing here?

DANIELLE: Well, I've been calling you, but it turns out I had your
number wrong. And when I finally got the right one from
Information, there was no answer. So I thought I'd just
come down here, and make sure you were okay.

CHANDLER: ...I'm, I'm okay.

DANIELLE: Listen uh, maybe we could get together later?

CHANDLER: That sounds good. I'll call you- or you call me, whatever...

DANIELLE: You got it.

CHANDLER: Okay.

DANIELLE: G'bye, everybody.

ALL: Bye.

PHOEBE: Whoo-hoo!

MONICA: Yeah, there you go!

ROSS: Second date!

CHANDLER: ...I dunno.

RACHEL: You DON'T KNOW?

CHANDLER: Well, she seems very nice and everything, but that whole
thing about her coming all the way down here, just to see
if I was okay? I mean,... how needy is that?

(THEY ALL GROAN AND HIT HIM.)

 
END