Funny Phrases
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- I would like to thank my arms for always being by my side and my legs for always supporting me.
- Dental-Chair Revelation: Once you have your mouth open, dentists lose the ability to ask questions with a simple yes or no answer.
- Finally, spring is here! I’m so thrilled I wet my plants.
- A broad smile is a cooler way of showing your enemies that you have teeth.
- Whether a gesture’s charming or alarming depends on how it’s received.
- Want to know what it’s like to have the best kid in the world? You’ll have to ask Grandma and Grandpa.
- A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
- He who wakes up early, yawns all day long.
- They say don’t try this at home… so I went to my friend’s home!
- Television is a medium – anything well done is rare.
- Don’t tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon.
- Before my first cup of coffee I hate everybody. That doesn’t change after I’ve had that coffee, but it feels much better.
- Cancel my subscription—I don’t need your issues.
- Think nothing is impossible? Try slamming a revolving door.
- Do not let your mind wander too much. It is too small for you to let it out alone.
- I am an example to others. A bad example.
- The true nature of a human being clearly shows when the supermarket opens a second checkout lane.
- If you’re going to insult someone, you might as well make your comments funny. That way, it’ll sting a little less. Here are a few fun ideas you can borrow:
- Wine + dinner = winner.
- I stopped fighting my inner demons, we’re on the same side now.
- I like to be an optimist. It pisses people off.
- Don’t you wish they made a clap-on-clap-off device for some people’s mouths?
- Vegetarian: Another word for BAD HUNTER!
- Your bank account can always be overdrawn. It’ll never be overfilled.
- Be a cupcake in a world of muffins.
- “Stressed” is just “desserts” spelled backwards.
- I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.
- Never ask a starfish for directions.
- I am swift as a gazelle. An old one. With arthritis. Run over by a Land Rover. 8 days ago.
- My bed and I are perfect for each other, but my alarm clock keeps trying to break us up.
- I stopped understanding math when the alphabet got involved.
- Confessions may be great for your soul, but they are hell for your reputation.
- A jellyfish has existed as a species for 500 million years, surviving just fine without a brain. That gives hope to quite a few people.
- There are days when you just want to envelop everybody with light and warmth… preferably through the use of a flamethrower.
- A cookie a day keeps the sadness away. An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.
- Hearing voices in your head is normal. Listening to them is quite common. Arguing with them – acceptable. It is only when you lose that argument that you get in real trouble.
- The shortest horror story: Monday.
- My brain has too many tabs open.
- Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
- I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
- Use these phrases to cheer up your friends when they’re feeling down. Get them laughing again!
- Do you remember when I asked you to give me your opinion? That’s right, me neither.
- I’m not sleeping, I’m resting my eyelids.
- King, are you glad you are king?
- It might look like I’m doing nothing. But, in my head, I’m quite busy.
- I’m cooler than the other side of the pillow.
- 9 out of 10 voices in my head say that I’m crazy. The tenth is humming.
- My childhood punishments have become my adult goals.
- An idea is only stupid if it doesn’t work.
- I read married couples have sex about 74 times per year. It’s the end of November now. Seems I’m going to have a seriously exciting December!
- Any of us has the capacity to light up a room. Some when they enter, others when they leave it.
- Life is like a bowl of soup and I’m a fork.
- Dear math, grow up and solve your own problems.
- There’s no ‘I’ in team, but there is in ‘win.’
- It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste.
- Children in the backseat cause accidents, accidents in the backseat cause children!
- Children are going to love these funny phrases. They’ll get plenty of laughs, so don’t hold back the humor!
- I’m not clumsy. The floor just hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way.
- They say: Do what you love and the money will come to you. Just ordered pizza, now I am waiting…
- A bag of money can be a symbol not only of wealth, but also of tremendous inflation.
- If a man said he’ll fix it, he’ll fix it. There is no need to nag him every 6 months about it.
- I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, and then I eat it.
- It was fun being famous on my birthday.
- Whoever said, “Out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear in their bedroom.
- I would like to thank my middle finger for always sticking up for me when I needed it.
- Whatever you’re doing, always give 100 percent. Unless you’re donating blood.
- Was it a car or a cat I saw?
- Here, have a tissue. There’s still a bit of bullshit left on your mouth.
- No one notices how hard you work until you stop working.
- I’m not clumsy, The floor just hates me, the table and chairs are bullies and the walls get in my way.
- Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.
- You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?
- The road to success is always under construction.
- God created the world, everything else is made in China.
- It’s true that we don’t know what we’ve got until we lose it. But it’s also true that we don’t know what we’ve been missing until it arrives.
- Sorry I’m late. I didn’t want to come.
- Dogs have beloved masters. Cats have waiting staff.
- I’m not lazy. I’m just very relaxed.
- A good mood is like a balloon: one prick is all it takes to ruin it.
- I would like to thank my arms for always being by my side, my legs for always supporting me, and my fingers, because I can always count on them.
- Why be moody when you can shake your booty?!
- Al lets Della call Ed “Stella.”
- I’m jealous of my parents. I’ll never have a kid as cool as them.
- All my life I thought air was for free. That was until I bought a bag of chips.
- My bed is a magical place I suddenly remember everything I had to do.
- Never judge a book by its movie.
- I wouldn’t exactly say I’m lazy, but it’s a good thing that breathing is a reflex.
- My wallet is like an onion. Every time I open it, it makes me cry.
- The only scenario where you really need a landline today is when you’re trying to find your cell phone.
- A true optimist is the guy who falls off a skyscraper and after 50 floors thinks to himself – well, so far so good!
- Good thing Noah took those two coffee beans on board.
- It’s alright if we don’t agree. I can’t force you to be right.
- I get enough exercise pushing my luck.
- Dear math exercise book, kindly grow up finally and solve your own problems!
- Somebody said today that I’m lazy. I nearly answered him.
- Those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.
- I’m jealous of my parents, I’ll never have a kid as cool as them.
- If you’re not supposed to eat at night, then why is there a light bulb in the fridge?
- Here are some funny palindromes. You can say them exactly the same way forward and backward!
- The first five days after the weekend are the toughest.
- People say ‘Go big or go home’ like going home is a bad thing.
- Common sense is like deodorant. Those who need it most never use it.
- Alcohol! Because no great story started with someone eating a salad.
- Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.
- If there was an award for being lazy, I would send someone to pick it up for me.
- When all else fails, lower your standards.
- He who laughs last is a bit of a slow thinker.
- You deserve to laugh. If you haven’t even smiled yet today, read through these hilarious sayings:
- Heaven won’t take me and hell’s afraid I’ll take over.
- Is it me or is everyone else coo coo for Coco Puffs?
- Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.
- I’m glad I don’t have to hunt for my own food. I have no idea where sandwiches live.
- They say money doesn’t bring you happiness. Still, it is better to verify things for yourself.
- Sometimes, the funniest statements have some truth in them. Even though these phrases are lighthearted, they’re also strangely motivational:
- I would like to apologize to anyone whom I haven’t offended yet. Please be patient, I will get to you shortly.
- Hard work pays off in the future. Lounging on the couch pays off right now.
- Madam, in Eden, I’m Adam.
- I’ve forgotten more than you ever knew.
- Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
- Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
- With a face like yours, you have a good chance in a lawsuit against your parents.
- Some days you’re the bird. Some days you’re the statue.
- I had loads to do today. Ah well, so now I have loads to do tomorrow.
- The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
- All my life I thought air was for free. That was until I bought a bag of potato chips.
- I refuse to have a battle of wits with an opponent so clearly unarmed.
- The right to have an opinion heard doesn’t come with the right to be taken seriously.
- Friday, my second favorite F word.
- “Move it or lose it” just means “move.” But what will you lose if you don’t move? A shoe? Your wallet? Your pride? No one really knows.
- According to my mirror I am pregnant. The father is Nutella.
- I’d like to help you out today. Which way did you come in?
- There was a time when I would have given myself to you, now I’m not even willing to throw up in your direction.
- Life is a bowl of soup, and I’m a fork.
- Why am I sick now? It’s not a school day. That virus needs a calendar.
- I put the ‘pro’ in ‘procrastinate.’
- Remember: Don’t insult the alligator until you cross the river.
- If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?
- I’m really good at stuff until somebody watches me do that stuff.
- You know what they say—dynamite comes in small packages.
- Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
- Stomach: I will now demonstrate a blue whale’s mating call.
- An opportunist is the guy who drinks the water while the pessimist, the optimist and the realist are arguing about how full the glass is.
- Fart when people hug you. You’ll make them feel strong.
- A train station is where the train stops. A bus station is where the bus stops. On my desk, I have a work station…
- Don’t vacuum and listen to loud music on your headphones at the same time. I finished three rooms until I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
- The snorers are always the ones to fall asleep first.
- I’m sorry, I have to go. You’re boring me to death and my survival instincts are kicking in.
- Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
- Ed, I saw Harpo Marx ram Oprah W. aside.
- I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer.
- Every rule has an exception. This rule is no exception.
- I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
- I’d like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
- Unless your name is Google, stop acting like you know everything.
- In the immortal words of Taylor Swift, I’m going to shake you off.
- There is no lousy weather, only lousy choice of clothing.
- I always say “Morning” instead of “Good morning”—if it were a good morning, I’d still be sleeping and not talking to people!
- If the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off of it!
- I didn’t fall down. I did attack the floor, though.
- Know the difference between your opinion and a pizza? I asked for a pizza.
- I get enough exercise from pushing my luck.
