Funny Inappropriate Things to Say
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- I’d drink your bath water
- What does a horny frog say? "Rub it"
- I’m sick. My medicine is to talk to you.
- On the third date, a guy told me I had such long and beautiful hair…he bet that he could wrap it around my neck and strangle me with it and no one would know it was him because hair doesn’t retain fingerprints…
- If I’d follow you home, would you keep me?
- Do you want to hear a joke about my vagina? Never mind, you'll never get it
- Jack and Jill went up the hill to have a little fun. But careless Jill forgot her pill and now they have a son
- We had been out a few times. She seemed nice enough and normal enough, and I kind of liked her. Until she showed me her bedroom and there was a GIANT photograph of her dad right above the bed, looking down toward the bed
- What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb? You can unscrew a lightbulb
- Hey, is it just me, or are we destined to be married?
- When I die, I want to be cremated. It's my last chance to have a smokin' hot body
- They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it's poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important
- On our first date, he said, I want to take you to the cemetery to meet my parents you might be the one
- I think I feel like Richard Gere – I’m standing next to you, the Pretty Woman
- Girl, you gotta be tired coz you been running through my mind all day
- There’s this movie I wanted to see and my mom said I couldn’t go by myself
- I put the STD in STUD, all I need is U…
- You are so beautiful that I want to be reincarnated as your child so that I can breastfeed until I’m 20
- You’re so hot you melt the plastic in my underwear
- I just want to be friends… with your insides
- What did the banana say to the vibrator? "Why are you shaking? She's going to eat me!"
- My couch pulls out, but I don’t
- I’m a virgin, and I really feel strongly right now that you’re the one I have been saving myself for He was 31. It was our first (and last) date
- I’m working on a porn site. Wanna be in the first video?
- Let me spell my love for you S-T-A-L-K-E-R
- Hi, I’ve been undressing you with my eyes all night long, and think it’s time to see if I’m right
- I eat pussy, how do you like me so far?
- What do you call a nanny with breast implants? A faux-pair
- I’d like to name a multiple orgasm after you
- If you're walking through the forest and stumble across a dead body, what's the first thing you should do? Check your map, because you're obviously going in circles
- hey let’s go have sex with monkeys and rape their corpses
- Do you like rainbows, cus you can taste my rainbow any time
- What kind of bees make milk? Boo-bees
- Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you
- Do you want it in the front or the back?
- I don’t want to come between you… or do I?
- How do you find a blind man at a nude beach? It isn't hard
- It’s hard for me to concentrate on you because all the blood from my brain has immediately gone to my bone
- You have the cutest smile when you sleep
- Do I know you from somewhere, because I don’t recognise you with your clothes on?
- I’m throwing a house party… and the only person invited is you Call the cops…See Who Comes first
- On our second date, he told me that the Lord had given him a revelation that we were to be married and that women need to learn to just trust that kind of thing
- Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
- You might want to call a bomb squad because there’s going to be an explosion in your anus
- I was about 5 weeks into seeing a really sweet guy who had a decent job, nice car, great family, when he just frankly tells me one evening, Yeah, so the girl I got pregnant won’t leave me alone
- What do you do if your wife starts smoking? Slow down and use some lubricant
- What's brown and really bad for your dental health? A baseball bat
- Know what would look good on you? CRUTCHES
- I wanna live in your socks so I can be with you every step of the way
- I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, "I don't think they have what you're looking for, sir
- Sex is like a burrito, don't unwrap or that baby's in your lap
- Friends are like trees, they fall over if you hit them with an ax
- Why did the snowman suddenly smile? He could see the snowblower coming
- Do you believe in helping the homeless? [If yes] Take me home with you
- Hi, I’m a fashion photographer. Would you like to be in my next photo shoot?
- After about a few weeks of dating, he invited me over for dinner…when I rang the doorbell he answered the door wearing nothing but his 10-foot pet python wrapped strategically around him
- If I could be anything, I’d love to be your bathwater
- What did the elephant ask the naked man? "How do you breathe out of that thing?"
- He gently suggestedhis dead wife’s clothes might fit me. Wondered if I wanted to try them on and see
- Shutterstock/interstid My dad is exactly like Santa. I hear so many good things about him, but he only visits our home once a year, and I never even see him
- I’d suck a fart out of your ass
- The last time I saw a body like yours, I was burying it in my basement
- Your eyes are bluer than the Atlantic ocean and baby, I’m all lost at sea
- Do you like heavy metal? Because I can teach you how to scream
- 2 hours into our first date he went over his funeral desires with me, told me how much his life insurance policy was for and showed me the mock-up of the monument/statue of himself he wanted to be constructed and put into a public location for his memorial. An hour later, he brought out his grandmother’s ring and asked if I was ready to get married because he loved everything about me
- Help, something is wrong with my eyes – I just can’t take them off you
- If you marry me, you will get fertility treatment for free. My brother is an OBGYN and when I was dating a 35-year-old lady he told me that 200 of her eggs were dead and the rest have downs, so you really need to get on this because you are older than her. I am telling you that he is top of the line fertility treatment for free if you marry me
- What's a 6 9? Another great thing screwed up by a period
- Hey baby, you must be a light switch, coz every time I see you, you turn me on!
- Just say yes now and I won’t have to spike your drink
- (Smell a girl) I smell that you are in season… want to breed?
- Having sex in an elevator is wrong. On so many levels
- I’m a necrophiliac, so why don’t you drop dead and I’ll think about it!
- Excuse me, I just noticed you noticing me and I just wanted to give you notice that I noticed you too
- My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records, but then the librarian told me to take it out
- Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day, but push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he'll fly for the rest of his life
- What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip off
- What do you call a guy who cries when he masturbates? A tearjerker
- How do you get a man with only one arm out of a tree? Wave
- You’re like a dictionary – you add meaning to my life!
- I have a fetish for feet, can I lick your toes?(if no) Please?!
- I'll never forget my grandma's last words: "What are you doing in here with that hammer?"
- There’s a tornado, come in my basement
- Did you hear about the man who ran in front of a bus? He got tired
- I wanna eat your shit on bread!
- OOOOOh, baby, u must have wished upon a star cause today is your lucky day!
- Did you hear about the man who was accidentally buried alive? It was a grave mistake
- If you ever want to see your children again, you’ll do what I want
- I got u something special baby, it’s the condom I used when I lost my virginity
- Do you think I could borrow that dress sometime?
- I like my coffee like I like my women…sealed in an airtight bag in the freezer
- What does a vampire do with boiling water and a tampon? Make tea
- Got two nipples for a dime? Come on, I’m a friend of your dad
- That outfit would look greatly crumpled in a heap of unsolved mysteries
