Golf Puns

 

Funny! The Best Golfing Puns.

Golfers would wear wrinkled clothes if it weren’t four irons.

He said he’d been golfing but smelled like the ocean. Something fishy was up.

If you have a hole-in-one in a competition you are in the last group and the bar is packed when you come in.

One of his friends goes with him and when at the bar asks him, “How on earth did you manage to hook up with such a beautiful young lady? You’re seventy. She must be at least fourty years younger than you!”

Quote from Christy O'Connor: 'If it wasn't my living, I wouldn't play golf if you paid me.'

It takes a lot of balls to golf like I do.

Bunkers have the unnerving habit of rushing out to meet your ball.

Golf is a game where the ball lies poorly and the golfers lie well.

If there is one solitary tree located on a hole, your ball will find it with unerring accuracy.

The fact that he was a bad golfer was a fore-gone conclusion.

If you are playing well in a competition, your partner will tell you that if you keep it up you must win. This remark ensures that you finish with a string of double-bogeys.

He wanted desperately to be a good golfer - you could say he had a driving ambition.

Lagging a putt from three feet means you've got the yips.

If you're out in 39 and home in 45 you're playing wartime golf.

The first tee shot following a lesson travels 20 yards along the ground.

Handicaps are designed to keep you in your place.

Are you wearing your golfer's socks? The pair with a hole in one.

Electric trolleys always break down at the furthest point from the clubhouse.

The Club secretary is always on the course when you want him, but is in the bar when you sub is overdue.

Finding the key to a better game means opening a lot of doors.

No successive swings are ever the same except when you hit consecutive shots out of bounds.

Passing lorry-drivers always shout 'Fore' at the top of your backswing.

He would promise to play golf, but he didn’t know how to follow through.

A photographer taking pictures of golfers says “watch the birdie”.

Do you know why there are 18 holes on a golf course? Because that's how long it took the Scots who invented the game to finish their bottle of whiskey!

Spike marks always deflect your ball away from the hole.

Golf is a lot like taxes - you drive hard to get to the green and end up in the hole.

If you are giving strokes in a match it's always too many: if you are receiving them it's never enough.

I golf in the low 80s. If it is hotter than that I won’t play.

A guy came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy neglige. “Tie me up,” she purred softly, “And you can do anything you want.” So he tied her up and went golfing.

During the first round with a brand new set of clubs, the ball has to be played from a road.

Teeing up on the side nearest the out-of-bounds means your ball will finish in the cabbage on the other side.

I love playing golf, but when putting I can never catch a break.

Curing the faults in your swing can never be affected in just one lesson from a professional.

Shots that finish close to the pin are never as close when you get there.

He would promise to play golf, but he didn't know how to follow through.

In most medal rounds, you start badly then fade away.

Out-of-bounds fences are located a foot the wrong side of your ball.

My wife complained about my obsession with golf. I asked her if it was driving a wedge between us.

Your golf addiction is driving a wedge between us.

The distant puff of sand you see means that your ball has not carried the bunker and what's more, it is plugged under the lip.

If you golf on election day – cast an absent-tee ballot.

For the rest of the afternoon his friends can’t take their eyes off the stunning beauty.

To golf at your favorite course may require a long drive.

If the club is burgled, your clubs are never stolen. And if they are, you are underinsured.

Curly, downhill, left-to-right putts are usually followed by curly, uphill, right-to-left putts.

The fact that trees are ninety per cent air does not mean your ball avoid the remaining ten per cent of timber.

People who say a shank is close to a perfect shot have never had four in a row.

If you find your ball in the woods, it is unplayable. If a professional finds his ball in woods, not only is it playable but he can hit it onto the green.

If you have difficulty meeting new people, try picking up someone else's golf ball.

To golf at your favorite course usually requires a long drive.

The sound that a golf cart makes is: “putt..putt..putt”.

The first time you enter the club's knockout competition you are drawn against the club champion in the first round.

In a pro-am, you are the last to drive off after your professional and partners have all hit screamers.

Golf is a game in which you yell “fore,” you score a six, and you write down “five.”

The hickory-shafted driver that you found in your grandmother's attic turns out to be worth only $10.

The only problem with golf is that the slow groups are always in front of you and the fast groups are always behind you.

If a golfer wishes to give you a blow-by-blow account of his round, ask him to start with his final putt on the 18th green.

Golf is the only game in which you fail to win 99 per cent of the time.

“Guys, meet my new fiancée” he says, full of pride as he introduces her to his pals.

As a golfer you have to have good fore-sight.

Coincidentally the only remaining set of clubs in the professional's shop was made especially for you.

Even though his driver and woods had been stolen, the golfer continued to play 72 straight holes for charity. He was truly an ironman.

After the round of golf the rich man goes up to the bar to buy drinks for the group.

Golf is like sex: afterwards you feel you should have scored at little better.

My friend promised to play golf, but he didn’t know how to follow through.

In a match, younger golfers always have your measure.....so do older golfers for that matter.

He was teed off with his bad start, driving the ball almost beyond the green, but he was able to putt it behind him.

The latest piece of written instruction never works on the course.

Immediately you put on your waterproofs it stops raining.

If you think it’s hard to meet people, try picking up the wrong ball on the golf course sometime.

In a four-ball game, your partner is right on his game while you aren't or vice versa.

Two fur traders once took a golfing trip together. They played a skins match.

When the golfer with a serious iron deficiency went back to the doctor for a check-up he was told that he was still not out of the woods.

What is the difference between a lost golf ball and the G-spot? A man will spend 5 minutes looking for the lost golf ball.

The captain of the Club you wish to join turns out to be someone you were at school with: and you never got on.

Always concede the fourth putt.

Golfers hate cake because they might get a slice.

The musician in jail was anxiously awaiting his next release.

Outdoor lights were put up at a golf course - for people who liked swinging nightclubs.

Nobody ever coughs on your follow through.

He wanted desperately to be a good golfer, you could say he had a driving ambition.

It's always the next round that will find you playing your normal game.

Delicate chip shots over bunkers always catch the top of the bank and fall back.

Foursomes golf means always having to say you're sorry.

Greens are hollow-tined and dressed the day before a competition.

Hitting an iron off the tee for safety means same direction, less distance.

She became a golf professional to earn her bread and putter.

A golfer bought two pairs of pants, just in case he got a hole in one.

If you golf on election day, cast an absent-tee ballot.

If a good course is one where you play to your handicap or better and a bad course is one where you struggle to break 100, why are there so many bad courses ?

Golfers hate cake because they just don’t want to get a slice.

A rich old man goes for his regular round of golf with his friends but this time he brings along a gorgeous young lady.

When putting, I can never catch a break.

A golfer bought two pairs of pants just in case he got a hole in one.

Expensive golf clubs are par for the course.

Keeping your head down means you'll be looking at a very large divot.

Any golfer will tell you the gospel truth. Your next shot always depends on the lie.

If you crash into a Volkswagen Golf, does that make a hole in one?

Golfers would wear wrinkled clothes if it weren't four irons.

The old rich guy says, “I lied about my age.”

A racer who was also a golfer really knew how to drive.

The golfer guessed that his ball landed 20 feet off the fairway. Of course, that was just a rough estimate.

Two clock makers argued and got ticked off.

His friend says, “And she believed you? How old did you say you were?”

“I told her I was ninety.”