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Christmas Cracker Jokes

Everyone loves a good Funny Christmas cracker jokes


See some Christmas cracker jokes:

  • What did Adam say the day before Christmas? It’s Christmas Eve
  • What’s round and bad tempered? A vicious circle
  • Why do birds fly south for the winter? Because it’s too far to walk
  • How will Christmas dinner be different after Brexit? No Brussels
  • Why did the three wise men only have frankincense and myrrh? Because Team GB took all the gold
  • Why has Hillary Clinton asked Santa for a 23-letter alphabet? Because she is sick of F B I
  • What’s a child’s favourite King at Christmas? A stocking
  • What does a frog do if his car breaks down? He gets it toad away
  • What do you call a man who plays in the leaves in Autumn? Russell
  • Why can’t Christmas trees knit? Because they always drop their needles
  • Which parent is likely to do the Christmas shop at Tesco this year? Dad might, Marmite not
  • What's the best advice you can give at the UKIP Christmas party? Avoid the punch
  • Who is Santa’s favourite singer? Elf-is Presley
  • What lies at the bottom of the sea and shivers? A nervous wreck
  • What lies in a pram and wobbles? A jelly baby
  • What has four legs but can’t walk? A table
  • What do you call a short-sighted dinosaur? A do-you-think-he-saw-us
  • Why can't Mary Berry eat turkey sandwiches? Paul Hollywood took all the bread
  • Who might be cooking Christmas dinner at Number 10 this year? Theresa May
  • What do workers at Sports Direct get for Christmas dinner? About 5 minutes
  • What is Good King Wenceslas’ favourite pizza? One that’s deep-pan, crisp and even
  • Why does Santa have three gardens? So he can ho-ho-ho
  • What kind of paper likes music? (W)rapping paper
  • Why is it getting harder to buy advent calendars? Their days are numbered
  • What says Oh-Oh-Oh? Santa walking backwards
  • What do elves learn at school? The elf-abet
  • What’s furry and minty? A polo bear
  • What’s the best Christmas present you could get? A broken drum - you just can’t beat it
  • What’s yellow and dangerous? Shark-infested custard
  • Why couldn’t the skeleton go to the Christmas party? Because he had no body to go with
  • How do you recognise a Christmas tree from BHS? All the branches have gone
  • I bought my mum Mary Berry's cookbook for Christmas, I tried to get Paul Hollywood's but he'd sold out
  • Why was the snowman looking through the carrots? He was picking his nose
  • What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts? Annette
  • What's the difference between the clementine in your Christmas stocking and Donald Trump? Nothing, they're both a little orange
  • On which side do chickens have the most feathers? The outside
  • Why is everyone filing for divorce and custody of the kids this Christmas? Tis the season to be Jolie
  • How did Mary and Joseph know Jesus was 7lb 5oz when he was born? They had a weigh in a manger
  • Why are Jeremy Corbyn's Christmas cards on the floor? His cabinet collapsed
  • Why didn't Roy Hodgson go to visit Santa at The North Pole? He couldn't get past Iceland
  • What do you call a cat in the desert? Sandy claws!
  • Why can't the England football team play Yahtzee this Christmas? Because they got rid of Allardyce
  • What do you call a blind reindeer? No idea
  • What do you get if you cross Donald Trump with a Christmas Carol? O Comb Over Ye Faithful
  • Why did no one bid for Rudolph and Blitzen on eBay? They were too deer
  • Why is Bob Dylan's sleigh so quiet? Because it has Nobel
  • What's David Cameron's favourite Christmas song? All I Want For Christmas is EU
  • I can't get to the chocolates in my advent calendar Foiled again
  • A man walks into a bar ouch
  • What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Dam
  • What does Miley Cyrus have at Christmas? Twerky
  • Philip looks out of the window on Christmas Eve: 'That's some reindeer' he says The Queen replies: '63 years Yes, that is a lot '
  • What happens to the elves when they are naughty? Santa gives them the sack