DEATH TO TELECOMMUNICATIONS
The intended reader of this wee manifesto is obviously the very giants i hate and for the following reasons. However, I figure I might as well get my voice out for followers to join in my crusade.
I hope you (i.e. big brother) is reading this. I hope I cause a red flag and you begin watching me. Because anyone who works for a telecommunications company is no longer safe within my presence. Just a little idea of the seriousness of my condition? I carry around wire clippers to cut phone cords, steel hammers to smash empty phone boxes on my wall filled with useless space, sticky lollipops to stick the buttons into the phone; and crumpled paper to crumple some more when I talk to you covering up my real voice so I remain anonymous.
YES, beware because I am out for vengence and i have a whole hell of a lot of it just for you. In fact, here are my demands:
I want salary compensation for all the f#$%ing time I have had to put into dealing with your shit- and that term is NOT being used lightly; I want a lifetime supply of beauty products for all the wrinkles you are causing and the gray hair that will soon appear in places I didn't even know hair existed; I want a membership to weight watchers for all the comfort food you have made me shovel into my mouth while waiting for the big man to scream for my incompetence in getting the freakin phones to work; I want to be relocated to somewhere sunny - no reason; I want an apology to the supreme court in triplicate for all the clients who didn't believe they couldn't get through because of you and not me and sued us for ignoring them; I want cookies, and cakes with your name emblazzened on them so I can feel a little better while biting off your head; I want you to call me everday so I can put you on hold and when I come back and tell you I'm not ready to talk, you will say that is great, I love waiting all day for some pimple faced, awkward teenager who knows diddly-squat and has less responsibility than the dung in my backyard to talk with me. and then I will hang up on you after 20 minutes or so of waiting. and you will call back since you are in hell and have nothing better to do.
So, think about these negotiations because from where i am sitting you have no choice in agreeing to my terms. . . . . I would be just as happy with a soup can and a long line of string.