The Simpsons Episode Scripts

5F06 - Realty Bites

[Chorus Singing] [Bell Ringing] [Tires Screeching] D'oh! [Screams] [Tires Screeching] Ah.

I love these lazy Saturdays.

- It's Wednesday, Homer.

- [Screams] Work! - [Tires Screeching] - [Homer] Ah.

I love these real Saturdays.

They're so relaxing.

Not like that fake Saturday that almost got me fired.

[Groans] Is this all we're going to do today? Absolutely.

[Choking, Relieved Sigh] [Choking, Relieved Sigh] You know, Homer, I'm starting to realize life is short.

- It is? - We have to make the most of the time we have.

- We do? - Otherwise, we could wake up one day and realize we've wasted our whole lives.

Oh, that.

[Laughing] [Choking, Relieved Sigh] Oh! Friends of the Library is holding an historic manuscript viewing.

"Friends of the Library"? Ooh! Ooh! There's an azalea festival at the public garden.

- I went yesterday.

- [Groans] - Lenny really wanted to go.

- I'm tired of being cooped up in this house all the time.

- Open a window.

- [Groans] All right.

I hear ya, honey.

Change into something nice.

We're steppir out.

The police auction? Can you believe it? It's already been a year.

Wow, sweetheart.

Look at all this seized booty.

We could find the drug boat of our dreams! I don't want a drug boat.

Well, I bet there's drug dresses and drug vacuum cleaners too.

All right.

Listen up.

Listen up.

These prestigious wrought iron security gates are bulletproof bombproof and battering ram resistant.

- Now- - Then what happened toJohnny D.

? He forgot to lock 'em.

Now, what am I bid? - One kilo.

- Sold.

Ay, ay, ay, my gates.

Ay! Johnny C.

gave me those.

Tough break, amigo.

[Laughing] Next item up for bids.

Oh, no! Oh, hey, look, they're sellir your car, man.

Boy, it's nice.

Oh, I will totally kill whoever buys L'il Bandit.

- Sold! - Whoo-hoo! [Imitating Engine Revving] You bought a car without consulting me? I don't recall being consulted when you bought that hat.

- I found this hat.

- Then what are you complaining about? You got yours.

Mm, mm, mm.

- [Tires Screeching] - [Marge Screams] Homer, be careful.

Oh, yeah, you gotta be careful when you do a trick like this.

[Tires Screeching] - Stop, Homer! Stop it! Let me out! - You're the boss.

I'm not getting back in this car until you drive like a sane person.

- [Tires Screeching] - Okay.


Love ya.

You know, if you lived here, you'd be home by now.


Hutz, I didn't know you sold real estate.

You didn't? We should talk more often, Marge.

You see, the law business is a little slow and since most of my clients wind up losing their houses this was a natural move for me.

Helping people find homes.

That must be really rewarding.

Yes, the money is good.

But the beauty is you get to stay in the house until it's sold.

- Come on, guys.

Let's go for a swim.

- [Dogs Barking] Gee, this hotrod is souped up six ways from Sunday.

Never had you figured for a gearhead, Homer.

Oh, yeah.

I'm a real expert.

- What is that, a six-barrel Holley carb? - You betcha.

- Edelbrock intakes? - Nothir but.

- Myohoff lifters? - Oh, yeah.

- I made that last one up.

- I see.

Selling real estate could be just what I'm looking for.

I'd really like to give it a try.

I don't know, Marge.

Trying is the first step towards failure.

- [Groans] - Oh, boy.

I've got a lot to learn before that license test.

Don't worry, Mom.

We'll help you study.

Of course, we'll have to cut back on our own homework.

What in the heck is a dwelling? So, you're married, and you're looking for your first house, Mr.

and Mrs.

- - Superman.

- Oh! Don't listen to my husband.

He's just an idiot.

I'm a veterinarian, and I need to keep lots of sick animals in my house.

- Is that permitted? - Not in my damn house.

Well, this neighborhood is zoned R-3 which allows dogs, cats, phone-answering monkeys and, oh- [Groans] I'll never memorize all this.

When I had to learn about the Magna Can'ta, I made up a song.

[Singing] We should've lived together first.

[Singing] You're all nuts.

[Humming] Easement! - [Dings] - Time's up.

You may now undermine each other's confidence.

Yar! I nailed that one about houseboats.

Did you? I passed! [Both Cheer] Way to go! Mm-mmm.

Oh, thank you, Bart, thank you, Lisa, for all your help.

What about me? You didn't thank me.

- You didn't do anything.

- I like being thanked.

[Bells Jingle] Welcome to the big leagues, Marge.

There's over 50 years of real estate experience right in this room.

And 42 of those years are Gill's! Marge, it's a real pleasure.

You got any leads? I need some leads.

- Please, help me.

- That's enough, Gill.

Don't drag her down with you.

That's Cookie Kwan.

She's number one on the west side.

Hi, Marge! Stay off the west side.

- And there's Nick Callahan.

- [Marge] A headset telephone? I thought those only existed in the movies.

- [Clanging] - Boo-yah! - Guess who sold the Whitman place? - Good for you.

Way to go.

I had been working on the Whitman place for 21 years.

And now, Marge, I'd like to welcome you to the family with your very own red blazer.

[Gasps] For me? - Oh, ho, ho! - Congratulations.

Thank you.

Thank you, everybody.

I'm going to do my darnedest to uphold the principles and ideals this jacket represents.

- I give her a week.

- Are you guys talking about the west side? No, Cookie.

I swear it.

I'm scared of you.

- [Tires Screeching] - Whoa, Dad, doesn't this car have seat belts? Seat belts.

[Scoffs] They kill more people than they save.

That's not true.

You're thinking of air bags.

- There it is! - [Both] Wow! - Your own billboard! - Check it out! [Homer] Gee, that picture makes your butt look big.

I thought so too, but they said it sells.

Works for the Lumber King.


We need lumber.

Excuse me, Mr.


Have you ever considered selling your home? What? No.

Why? What? Why? What have you heard? Are you implying I'm in some sort of financial trouble? - No.

- Well, I am.

Let me have that card.

And here we have a lovely gourmet kitchen- "with gas range, central can opener and foam under flooring for enanced standability.

" Why, isn't this kitchen horribly cramped? [Laughing] - Why, yes, it is.

- Well, I suppose we could get used to it.

Yeah, but you shouldn't have to settle.

You know, I've always loved the house you're in now.

Really? Well, maybe we should stay put.

- Thanks for your honesty, Marge.

- My pleasure.

If you ever need a prescription, no questions asked- [Clicks Tongue, Laughing] Good shot, Barbara.

I can't believe it.

- A house with a bowling alley.

- Do you bowl often? Actually, this is our first time.

And I didn't really care for it.

Oh, well, then you have to ask yourself, is this the right house for you? I suppose not.

I guess we were just captivated by this delightful plaque.

[Laughing] [Tires Screech, Engine Revving] Hey, Skinner, wanna drag race? My high school sweetheart was killed in a drag racing accident.

- Come on.

It'll be fun.

- That's what Debbie Sue said.

- Come on, you stupid car.

- [Engine Grinding] Just-Just go! [Grinding Continues] - No! That's L'il Bandit, and she's in pain.

- [Backfiring] Screw the honor system.

My car needs me.

Hey, you're ruinir it for the rest of us! Stop! That's my car! - [Tires Screeching] - [Coughing, Sniffing] Hey, that smells like regular.

She needs premium, dude! Premium, dude! Marge, I had a lot of calls about you.

Customers love your no-pressure approach.

Well, like we say, "The right house for the right person.

" Listen, it's time I let you in on a little secret, Marge.

The right house is the house that's for sale.

The right person is anyone.

But all I did was tell the truth.

Of course you did.

But there's the truth and the truth! - Let me show you.

- It's awfully small.

I'd say it's awfully cozy.

- [Marge] That's dilapidated.

- Rustic.

- That house is on fire.

- Motivated seller.

That's a beauty! Forget about that house.

That's the Murder House.

Ooh, I remember.


Astor was very lucky.

Well, no one expects you to sell that house.

But you'd better sell something.

Because cubicles are for closers, Marge.

Anybody who doesn't sell a house their first week gets fired.

I probably should've mentioned that earlier.

I thought I'd do anything to succeed in business.

But bending the truth? I don't know.

Ah, so you don't have that killer instinct.

Big deal.

Yeah, honey.

Even if you don't succeed in the business world you're still the world's greatest wife and mother.

[Scoffs] So that's how you see me? As a spineless, potato-cooking housewife who can't compete in the real world? [All] Mm-hmm.

Well, I can too compete.

And I'm going to sell a house.

End of story.

Kids, your mother's under a lot of pressure.

Why don't we let her clear the table in peace? [Groans] The first house I have to show you is, um a handymars dream.


Because it's so dilapidated.

[Groans] Well, nothing's perfect.

I sure hate to make you come out here and not buy a house.

Now, slow down, Neddie.

The home buyer's course said always look inside the house before buying.

Well, there it is.

Please don't tell anyone how I live.


It's awfully small.

Some people would call it cozy.

- I guess it is sorta cute.

- But small.

Really, really small.


Wh-When you put it that way, it does seem a bit small.

[Groans] Well, that about does it for houses in this area.


What about that house? That has a "for sale" sign.

Ooh, that's a dilly.

How about it, Marge? Uh- Oh, my-diddley-eye! Will you look at this place! [Gasps] And the price has been slashed repeatedly.

It's sure built solid.

The kids could scream bloody murder, and no one would hear.

I'm just gonna spill my guts.

I love it to death.

I'm gonna give you a deposit this minute.

Unless you can give me a reason not to.

Is there anything else we should know? - There's the truth, and the truth! - No! No! If you don't sell a house, you're fired, fired, fired.

[Screaming] Well, Marge? No.

There is absolutely nothing else to tell you about this house.

That's good enough for me! [Screams] Purple drapes! All my life I've wanted purple drapes! [Screams] - [Clanging] - Attention.

Ding-ding, ding-ding, ding-ding.

Listen up, everybody.

- Marge Simpson sold her first house.

- How about that? - The Murder House! - Wow, now, that's something! Boo-yah! Wow, you must've told a whopper to unload that death trap.

What'd you use, Marge? The old buff and bluff? The Hail Murray? The Susquehanna Shuffle? Huh? [Clicks Tongue] Huh? [Clicks Tongue] Huh? [Laughing] No.


No tricks.

It was salesmanship.

That's all.

Sure, Marge.


" - But it was.

- Sure, Marge.


" Just because everyone who lived in that house was hacked to bits doesn't mean the Flanders will be.

- I guess you're right.

- Who cares? Whatever happens, as our newest closer - you're entitled to wear the coveted closing blazer.

- [Applause] And you get a third wall for your cubicle.

- But I earned that wall.

- Don't push your luck, pal.

You're hangir on by a thread.

Well, I brought this wall from home.

[Tires Screeching] [Laughs] Okay.

Baldy boy hits wire, head comes off L'il Bandit rolls to a gentle stop.

Everybody wins.

Man, the air feels good on my neck.

Whoo! Gum ball! Oh, why do I even bother? [Car Approaching] I told that idiot to slice my sandwich.

Ow! Wow, honey.

You sold a house and got rid of the Flanders.

- What's for dinner? - Well, neighboreenos, I guess this is good-bye.

Oh, I better make this quick, or I'm gonna start blubbering like a baby.

Yeah, me too.

Let me know if you need any help.

- Now that you mention it, we could use- - It was just an expression.

[Groans] Good-bye, Ned.

If the slightest thing goes wrong with that house, call me right away.

Or you can beep me.

In fact, why don't you just stay here tonight? - We'll go to a hotel.

- Oh, you're sweet to offer but we're all just so tired we just wanna get to our new house and rest in peace.

- So long, Simpsons.

- [All] Bye! [Shuddering] That old Flanders place gives me the creeps.

[Singing, Screams] - Give me my car, fatty.

- [Shouts] This is my car! And I'm not fat! It's glandular! - Right.

- [Shouting] Ohhh! You've got to tell them the truth, Marge.

The truth! Hello? Anyone home? [Screaming] Oh, hi, Marge.

I guess we gave you quite a start.

We were painting Todd's room red- pretty messy work- and then we came out here to take a break.

- Must've dozed off.

- Red room.

Red room.

Over there.

Well, I'm just glad you're okay.

[Sighs] And I have something to tell you.

[Grunting] [Tires Screeching] - Stop it! - [Grunts] Come on.

Let's hear that snap.

[Brakes Screeching] [Grunts] - [Engine Revving] - [Shouts] - [Grunts] - You-You- Ow! - You're going down, punk! - Ow! Ow! Ow! Whoa, this is so dangerous.

- Yeah, you're right.

D'oh! - [Grunting] - Why, you- - Wha-What the- - This is Wiggum reporting a 318- waking a police officer.

- [Siren Wailing] [Gasps] This is the Murder House? - Mm-hmm.

- [Gasps] You mean the infamous Jealous Jockey Murders? - Mm-hmm.

- [Gasps] Of course! This must be where he dropped the dagger.

And this is the butler's pantry, where Mrs.

Astor concealed herself.

And right here's where they found the torso heap- in front of our very own fireplace! Oh, just think, Neddie.

We're part of Springfield history.

- Look, Daddy.

I'm the jealous jockey.

- I'm a torso.

I'm glad you're not mad.

But I lied to you and I won't feel right until I return your deposit.

We appreciate the offer, Marge, but I think we're gonna be very happy here.

- [Grunting] - [All Screaming] [Both Screaming] - [Siren Wailing] - [Screaming] Uh, Marge- [Chuckles] you still got that deposit check? - Oh! Oh, wow.

- [Groaning] - Lucky thing we landed on this bubble wrap.

- [Popping] - Hey, quit hoggir.

- Oh, I'm badly hurt.

A smashed hotrod, a wrecked police cruiser, a destroyed house! I've had it with your renegade ways, Simpson.

- You're a loose cannon.

- But l- And what really fries me is you returned his check! I'm sorry, Mr.

Hutz, but I just can't lie to people.

[Laughing] You're one of a kind, Marge and nobody deserves this more than you.

[Groans] Well, I'm proud of you, Mom.

You refused to compromise your integrity.


You did the right thing, eventually.

Still, it would've been nice to bring home at least one paycheck.

Oh, you will, honey.

You will.

$300 for doing nothing? I feel like such a crook.

Don't worry.

Gets easier every week.

[Kisses] - [Murmuring] - Shh!