The Simpsons Episode Scripts

5F05 - Lisa the Skeptic

[Chorus Singing] [Bell Ringing] [Whistle Blowing] [Beeping] [Jazzy Solo] [Tires Screeching] D'oh! [Screams] [Stone Sizzles] [Snickers] This sting can't miss, boys.

I mailed these bogus prize certificates to every scofflaw in Springfield.

When they show up for their free motorboats we arrest them and beat them to the full extent of the law.

[Laughs] So the hook is baited.

- [Chuckles] Nice metaphor, Eddie.

- Yeah, good work, Eddie.

[Cheerful Singing] [Continues] [Ends] But we didn't enter any police raffle.

That doesn't matter.

The important thing is we won.

I don't know.

There's something very peculiar about this.

Sheesh! You're the most paranoid family I've ever been affiliated with.

[Whistling] I'd like a yellow boat, please - with extra motors.

- Yo, no cuts, bro.

Where's my motorboat, pig? Uh, right through that door.

[Titters] - [Cuffs Clicking] - Whoa! Yo! - [Blows Landing] - Ouch! [Snake Groans] I call brutality on you.

- You have the right to remain- - [Chuckles] All right, uh, "Simpson, Homer.

" - You're next.

- Whoo-hoo! Howdy, gents.

I'm here to collect my free- Ow! Oh, my boating arm! - What's going on! - You're under arrest, slimebag.

- What's this perp in for, Lou? - 235 unpaid parking tickets totaling $175.

[Snickers] I hope you brought your checkbook, wise guy.

You lousy cops.

Lucky for you I'm double-parked or I'd- There.

Now, could I please have my motorboat? Dad, why aren't you saying anything? Where's our motorboat? I didn't like it.

The mast had termites.

- Why would a motorboat have a mast? - Because! The thing, it was- Shut up! Whoo! There's that new mega-mall they're building.

They say the air conditioner will be more powerful than a million hydrogen bombs.

Hey, they can't just build a parking lot on Sabertooth Meadow! That's where they discovered all those fossils.

Fossils, schmossils.

You can't stop progress 'cause of some moldy old bones.

Bones, schmones.

But they might be paving over rare specimens.

Pull over so we can complain, Dad.

Come on! Who wants to complain with me? Fine.

I'll come back later.

Who wants to come back with me? [Mutters] Fine.

My attorney, Lionel Hutz, calls your attention to Municipal Code 147-C- - "Protection of Antiquities and Fossils.

" - That's right.

There aren't any fossils here, little girl.

Museum folks dug 'em all up years ago.

But what if they missed something? You have to allow an archeological survey.

Who's gonna make us? You? - [Laughing] - [Laughing] Now, hold on, Sid.

Hold on.

May be we should let the kid dig.

Could be good publicity.

[Indistinct Whispering] Oh, yes.

Yeah, we ought to do that.


You wanna dig? Be my guest.

Fine! We'll see you in court! - Mr.

Hutz, we won.

- "We"? Principal Skinner, remember how I didn't sue when I found that scorpion in my applesauce? Well, I'm calling in a favor.

Mmm, I knew this day would come.

[Skinner] Attention.

All honor students will be rewarded - with a trip to an archeological dig! - [Cheering] Conversely, all detention students will be punished with a trip to an archeological dig.

- Oh, no.

Not tomorrow.

- Oh, crud.

[Singing Call-And-Response] [Ends] This is so exciting.

I can't wait to see what we find.

I must admit, it is rather exciting.

And- Why, look! Here's something right here.

It appears to be some sort of rock.

Oh, no.

It's just a clump of dirt.

[Chuckles] Even so, my heart is pounding like a kettle drum.

I'd better sit down for a moment.

"Prinskipper Skippal"- "Prinnipple Skipper"- l-I found something! [Teachers, Students Exclaiming] - [Gasps] - It's a spearhead! That's your trowel blade, Ralph.

It fell off the handle.

- And I found it! - Okay, everyone, back to work! You never know when we might uncover a Tyrannosaurus.

[Screams] - [Whimpering] - [Snoring] [Grunting] [Snickering] Well, this was a big bust.

Come on, kids.

Let's go home to our mothers.

Don't give up.

I'm sure we'll find something.

[Grunts] Come on.

Come on! A bottle cap, a shoe, a bar of gold- anything! [Exclaims] [Gasps] Everybody, come quick! [Chattering] [Wiggum] Hey, what is that? - Hope it's not- - Let me through.

I got here late.

[Crowd Chattering] Hmm, from the looks of it, I'd say this fellow died from causes unknown.

[Laughs] Look, there's more! What the heck is this thing? Speaking from a strictly medical point of view, that ain't right.

[Gasps] Oh, my goodness! What is it, Lisa? It looks like a human skeleton.

But these other bones look almost like wings.

You mean, like an angel? You mean, like an angel? Well, obviously, that's impossible.

- Lisa's right.

It's an angel! - [Onlookers Gasp] [Homer] Now, that's interesting.

[Homer] Now, that's interesting.

[Chattering Continues] - But it can't be an angel! - Oh, no? Well, if you're so sure what it ain't, how about tellir us what it am? [Onlookers Clamoring] Well, maybe it's, uh- uh- a Neanderthal who got bitten by some angry fish.

[Whiny Grunt] [Muttering, Cries Out] [Screaming] [Chuckles] Oh, I got to say, Lisa.

It sounds like you're strainir to do some explainir.

Yeah, everyone's heard of angels, but who's ever heard of a "Neanderthal"? [Chuckles] It could be anything.

It could be a mutant from the nuclear plant.

Oh, fiddle-faddle.

Everyone knows our mutants have flippers.

Ooh, oops.

I've said too much.

[Clears Throat] - Smithers, use the amnesia ray.

- You mean, the revolver, sir? Precisely.

Be sure to wipe your own memory clear when you're finished.

Now, regardless of what this thing is it's a priceless scientific find so our most pressing concern now is determining who owns such a valuable skeleton.

- And I'd like to suggest that I do.

- [Onlookers Protesting] - [Woman] Excuse me.

- I'd like to hear from Lionel Hutz.

It's a thorny legal issue, all right.

I'll need to refer to the case of Finders versus Keepers.

Oh, we can work this out, friends.

In the spirit of sharing, what say we simply place - the sacred bones- - [Horn Honking] So long, suckers! [Grunting] Come on- Come on, angel.

- [Grunts] - What are you doing with that? I'm locking it up in my safe-deposit closet with my other valuables.

I'll just leave it in here a few years and let it appreciate in value.

It's probably a million years old, Dad.

- I think it's as valuable as it's gonna get.

- [Scoffs] That's what they said about this Billy Beer, smarty-pants.

[Chugging, Sighs] We elected the wrong Can'ter.

[Kent Brockman] Coming up next, an hilarious boat giveaway scam nets Springfield's dumbest criminals.

[Laughs] Sounds like good watchir.

[Doorbell Rings] He-Hey there, Marge.

Just brought the kids over to share a prayer with the blessed angel, if it's okay with you.

[Homer Shouting] Get your own angel, you moocher! [Sighs] Thanks anyway, Homer.

[Doorbell Rings] - Oh, hello, Agnes.

- Sorry to trouble you but I'm goir in for surgery tomorrow and I wondered if I could rub the angel with my foot for good luck.

- It's foot surgery.

- [Homer] Hey, I'm trying to eat here! - Beat it, peg leg! - Jackass! Marge.

- We wanna see the angel.

- [Crowd Clamoring] Come on, Homer.

I just want a quick look-see.

- Pay you a buck.

- A buck, eh? That gives me an idea.

- Fifty cents, please.

- [Coins Clattering] [Recording: Homer Singing Badly] [Continues] [Ends] Dad, it's not fair to claim this thing is an angel.

- There's no proof of that.

- No one's calling it an angel, Lisa.

If you look carefully, you'll notice I never once used the word "angel.

" - What about that sign right there? - That's a typo.

Just let me take it to the museum for one day.

They can do scientific tests and prove it's not an angel.

Oh, no.

We could lose out on bags and bags of money.

It's sacrilegious, I tell ya.

[Door Creaking] Wow, it's so lifelike.

[Moaning] [Gulps] [Man] Astonishing, simply astonishing.

One of the most singular specimens I've encountered in all my distinguished career.

But enough about my work.

What did you want to show me, Lisa? It's a bone scraping from that skeleton I found.

Oh, yeah.

The so-called angel.

The whole thing's preposterous, of course.

Quite preposterous.

But no one will believe me until I can prove what it really is.

Can't you do a D.



test or something? Certainly.

I'll have the results by tomorrow.

Oh, thank you so much.

Um, you know, I can't afford to pay you.

I didn't become a scientist for financial gain.

Whatever little money you have will be just fine.

- [Recorded Music] - I say it's the Angel of Peace, you idiot.

I say it's the Angel of Mercy, you jerk.

Excuse me.

I took a piece of the skeleton for scientific analysis.

- Soon we'll have all the facts.

- You did what? - You know what? I don't like that.

- [Scoffs] Facts are meaningless.

You can use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true.

- Facts, schmacts.

- [Panting] Ah, here's Dr.

Gould now.

What were the results, Professor? - Inconclusive.

- "Inconclusive"? Then why'd you come running up like that? Can I use your bathroom? [Groans] Well, it appears science has faltered once again in the face of overwhelming religious evidence.

- But- - Go home, science girl.

- I am home.

- Good.

Stay there.

Okay, folks.

Get your "Angel Glow Sticks.

" - No one gets into heaven without a glow stick.

- I'll take four.

Ach! Those morons make me so angry.

Maybe so.

But I'd appreciate it if you didn't call them morons.

But they are morons.

- What grown person could believe in angels? - Well your mother, for one.

You? - But, y-you're an intelligent person, Mom.

- [Pot Clanks] There has to be more to life than just what we see, Lisa.

Everyone needs something to believe in.

It's not that I don't have a spiritual side.

I just find it hard to believe there's a dead angel hanging in our garage.


My poor Lisa.

If you can't make a leap of faith now and then well, I feel sorry for you.

Don't feel sorry for me, Mom.

I feel sorry for you.

[Kent Brockman] Next on Smartline, the Springfield angel controversy.

Our guest tonight, making her - Miss Lisa Simpson.

- Kent.

Miss Simpson, how can you maintain your skepticism in spite of the fact this thing really, really looks like an angel? I just think it's a fantasy.

If you believe in angels, then why not unicorns or sea monsters or leprechauns? Oh, that's a bunch of baloney, Lisa! Oh, that's a bunch of baloney, Lisa! Everyone knows leprechauns are extinct.

Look, you can either accept science and face reality or you can believe in angels and live in a childish dreamworld.

Science- What's science ever done for us? - TV off.

- Science is like a blabbermouth who ruins a movie by telling you how it ends.

Well, I say there are some things we don't wanna know- important things.

- [Barney] Yeah, he's right! - Enough talk.

It's smashir time! [Commotion] [Mob Yelling] Take that and that and- [Groans] Oh! I'm paralyzed.

I just hope medical science can cure me.

[Commotion Continues] Why? Why was I programmed to feel pain? Technocrats are learning a lesson in humility tonight as angel supporters lay waste to Springfield's scientific institutions.

Ugh! I wish I'd never found those stupid bones! It's time to put an end to this.

- Bart, I'm borrowing your blue crowbar.

- Good ol' Blue-y.

- Hey, she's gonna smash the angel! - Somebody stop her! [Gasps] It's gone! [Weeping] Oh, no! This can't be happening! What the hell are we gonna do with - I could take up smoking.

- You damn well better.


Okay, don't panic.

Marge, stop panicking! We need a replacement skeleton, and we need it now.

- Bart, strip down to your skeleton.

- [Door Opening] We've come for the angel, Homer.

It's not safe with the unbeliever.

It's gone! We're too late.

Little girl, what have you done with our precious angel? Nothing! Someone must have stolen it.

Looks to me like Lisa Simpson found something science couldn't explain so she had to destroy it.

Well, that's all the evidence I need.

Arrest the girl.

- [Gasps] Hey! - What? She didn't do anything.

Give her a nice cell- something in "C" Block.

Lisa Simpson, you are charged with destruction of an historic curiosity- a misdemeanor.

But in a larger sense, this trial will settle the age-old question of science versus religion.

Let the opening statements commence.

Your Honor, over the coming weeks and months we intend to prove Lisa Simpson willfully destroyed- - There's the angel! - [Murmuring] [Shouting, Chattering] I find the defendant not guilty.

As for Science versus Religion, I'm issuing a restraining order.

Religion must stay 500 yards from Science at all times.

[Chattering Continues] Wow! Do you think it flew up here? - Well, it didn't ride up on no zebra.

- Look, a message! [Homer] "The end will come at sundown.

" [Laughing] Hey- Wait a second.

I don't like the sound of that.

I'm scared, Daddy.

Too scared to even wet my pants.

It's okay, Son.

Just relax, and it'll come.

Even Lisa Simpson must now agree.

We have witnessed a miracle.


Anyone could've written that.

Oh, angel, listen not to this child of Satan.

Reverend, I've got to admit.

This doomsday warning has me just a smidge twitterpated.

Oh, now, be calm, Ned.

But be afraid also- tremendously afraid- for the day of reckoning is upon us! - [Gasping, Murmuring] - Reckoning? Your Holiness, there is word from America.

They say an angel has foretold the apocalypse.

Um, keep an eye on it.


Krabappel] This could be our last day together, my love.

How about a farewell romp in the Garden of Earthly Delights? Oh, Edna, my sweet buttercup, you read my mind.

Just, uh, give me 20 minutes or so to finish these tardy slips.

Why we gettir dressed-up, Mom? Are we going to Black Angus? Well, you might say we're going to the best steakhouse in the whole universe.

So we're not going to Black Angus.

Will you leave me alone? It's bad enough you're making me go to your stupid Judgment Day.

Please, Lisa.

I don't know exactly what's gonna happen.

But I really wish we could make peace before sunset.

Nothing is going to happen, Mom! I hate to disappoint you, but the world is not coming to an end.

Well, shall we sing a hymn? Uh, "Nearer, My God, to Thee" maybe? - Or-Or-Or-Or "Amazing Grace"? - Mmm.


Oh, Marge.

Don't let go, no matter what.

If they want you in heaven, they got to take me too.

- Ten seconds till sundown.

- [Murmuring] [Taking Deep Drag] [Huffing Exhale] We did it.

We beat cancer.

Ohhh, what the hell? - Muuuah! - Seven, six- [Others Join Countdown] five, four three, two, one- [Collective Gasp] [Crickets Chirping] [Collective Sigh] - [Overlapping Chatter] - [Homer] What happened? - There you go.

I hope you all learned a val- - [Male Voice] Silence! - [Trumpet Fanfare] - [All Gasp] [All Gasping] Rrepare for the end! - [Whimpering] - The end ofhigh prices! - What? - Ooh.

Behold! The grand opening of the Heavenly Hills Mall.

Please just follow the angel for all your shopping needs! [Mechanized Whirring] [Whirring Stops, Resumes] Wait a second! You planted a phony skeleton for me to find! This was all a big hoax! [Chuckles] Not a hoax- a publicity stunt.

You exploited people's deepest beliefs just to hawk your cheesy wares? Well, we are outraged! - Arert we? - Oh.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, we're outraged.

Very, uh-Very much so.

But look at all the stores! A Pottery Barn! And 20% off everything? - Hey, does that include rat spray? - Oh, yeah.

- Out of my way, shorty! - Hey! [All Clamoring] I don't understand, Professor.

Why didn't your tests show the skeleton was a fake? I'm gonna be honest with you, Lisa.

I never did the tests.

- [Electrical Current Sizzling] - [Excited Chattering] Uh, sir, about that, uh- that kiss- l- [Laughs] I hope you understand it was merely a sign of my respect.


Yes, of course.

[Distant Voices] Well, I guess you were right, honey.

But you have to admit, when that angel started to talk you were squeezing my hand pretty hard.

[Embarrassed Chuckle] Well, it was just so loud and- [Laughs] thanks for squeezing back.

Anytime, my angel.

- [Murmuring] - Shh!