The Simpsons Episode Scripts

5F01 - The Cartridge Family

[Chorus Singing] [Bell Ringing] [Whistle Blowing] [Beeping] [Jazzy Solo] [Tires Screeching] D'oh! [Screams] [All Sighing] Open wide for some soccer! [Theme] [Male Announcer] The Continental Soccer Association is coming to Springfield! It's all here- fast kickir, low scorir.

And ties? You bet! [Women Gasping, Giggling] Hey, Dad, how come you've never taken us to see a soccer game? I don't know.

[Announcer] You'll see all your favorite soccer stars like Ariaga, Ariaga II Bariaga, Aruglia, and Pizzoza! Oh, I never heard of those people.

- And they'll all be signing autographs! - Whoo-hoo! This match will determine once and for all which nation is the greatest on Earth- Mexico or Portugal! [Together] Can we go, Dad? Please, Dad? Please, Dad? Can we go? - Huh? Huh? Please? - Yes! Yes! Oh, God, yes! Oh, I'll kill myself if Portugal doesn't win.

It's hard to believe this used to be an internment camp.

Yo, paella man, wing one up here! Hey, look, it's Pel�! - [Fanfare] - [Cheering] Pel� is king of the soccer field.

To be king of your kitchen, use Crestfield Wax Paper.

[Cheering] - [Fanfare] - [Whistle Blowing] [Cheering, Shouting] [Man] Kick it over here! [Cheering, Shouting Fades] Boring! Come on, you schnorrers! Do something! Halfback passes to the center.

Back to the wing.

Back to the center.

Center holds it.

Holds it.

Holds it.

[Sighs] Halfback passes to center! Back to wing! Back to center! Center holds it! Holds it! Holds it! I can't bear this any longer.

I'm leaving! Yeah, not before me you ain't.

Now, now, there's plenty of exits for everyone.

Oh, that's it.

You're dead, pal! - Hey, now, that's uncalled for.

- Shut your hole, Skinner! [Gasping, Shouting] [Yelling] You call this a soccer riot? - Come on, boys.

Let's take 'em to school! - Oi! Oi! Oi! Homer, we've got to get out of here! Oh! But I wanna do some rioting.

- [Grunts] Jobbers cobknots, ya mucker! - All done.

[Gasping] [Siren Wailing] What began as a traditional soccer riot has escalated into a citywide orgy of destruction.

Reacting swiftly, Mayor Quimby has declared mob rule.

So for the next several years, it's every family for itself! Ex-Ex-Excuse me, sir.

I think you've got my TV.

Sir? Somebody's gotta stop them! Let's wait until they burn the school down.

- Oh, my God! Homer, they're right next door.

- Relax, Marge.

If someone tries to get in here, my burglar alarm will let us know.

[Rattling] - [Gasps] - Watch the fish, Marge.

[Groans] Looks like you called me just in time.

- This home isn't secure at all.

- What did I tell you, Marge? Intruders could come in down the chimney, through the mail slot even hidden in your groceries.

Did you change the locks when you moved in? I thought not.

All the previous owners of this house could still be in here somewhere.

What do you recommend? Well, a lot of companies would put in a pretty system that looks good but doesn't provide any real protection.

- Oh, let's get that! - But if you really wanna sleep easy at night I recommend sealing off every door and window with bulletproof Lucite.

Wouldrt we all suffocate? - Well, I should hope not.

- Let's get that, the suffocation thing.

And you can have it all for just $500.

$500? Aw, forget it.

But surely you can't put a price on your family's lives.

I wouldn't have thought so either, but here we are.

Homer, we need something to protect this family.

I couldn't agree more, Marjorie.

You deserve peace of mind and peace of mind is what you shall have.

I'd like to buy your deadliest gun, please.

Aisle 6, next to the sympathy cards.



- Mmm! - Whoa! - Careful there, Annie Oakley.

- I don't have to be careful.

I got a gun.

Well, you'll probably want the accessory kit.

- Holster.

- Oh, yeah.

- Bandolier.

- Baby.

- Silencer.

- Mm-hmm.

- Loudener.

- Oh! - Speed-cocker.

- Ooh! I like the sound of that.

And this is for shooting down police helicopters.

Oh, I don't need anything like that yet.

- Just give me my gun.

- Sorry.

The law requires a five-day waiting period.

We've got to run a background check.

Five days? But I'm mad now! - [Grunts] - I'd kill you if I had my gun! Yeah, well, you don't.

Lousy big shot.

Thinks he's so big 'cause he's got a lot of guns.

If he didn't have any guns, I'd show him a thing or two.

What happens when he walks into my store? Then we'll see who's worried about five-day waiting periods.

Dad, it's 3:00 a.


! Can't you mutter in your room? - Marge kicked me out.

- [Groans] All right.

Go ahead.

Pushy kids think they can tell me what to do in my house.

I tell you, parents these days, they don't know how to rear children.

Oh! How am I supposed to last five days without shooting something? [Rock] [Quacking] [Ends] [Gasping] Come on! Come on! Open up! [Panting] Ah, that's the stuff.

[Toilet Flushing] - Now, I believe you have some sort of firearm for me.

- Well, let's see here.

According to your background check, you've been in a mental institution.

- Yeah.

- Frequent problems with alcohol.

- [Chuckling] Yeah.

- You beat up President Bush.

Former president.

- "Potentially dangerous"? - Relax.

- That just limits you to three handguns or less.

- Whoo-hoo! Close your eyes, Marge.

- I've got a surprise for you.

- Mmm! Okay, open your eyes.

- [Screams] - It's a handgun.

Isn't it great? This is the trigger, and this is the thing you point at whatever you want to die.

Homer, I don't want guns in my house! - Don't you remember when Maggie shot Mr.

Burns? - I thought Smithers did it.

That would have made a lot more sense.

Dad, can I borrow the gun tomorrow? I wanna scare that old security guard at the bank.

- Only if you clean your room.

- [Groans] - No! No one's using this gun.

- [Whimpering] The TV said you're 58% more likely to shoot a family member than an intruder.

TV said that? But I have to have a gun.

It's in the Constitution.

Dad, the Second Amendment is just a remnant from revolutionary days.

It has no meaning today.

You couldn't be more wrong, Lisa.

If I didn't have this gun, the king of England could just walk in here anytime he wants and start shoving you around.

Do you want that? Huh? - Do you? - No.

- All right, then.

- I'm sorry, Homer.

No weapons.

A gun is not a weapon, Marge! It's a tool, like a butcher knife or a harpoon or, uh, an alligator.

You just need more education on the subject.

Tell you what.

You come with me to an N.



meeting and if you still don't think guns are great, we'll argue some more.

[Beeping] [Beeping Stops] [Beeps] Assault weapons have gotten a lot of bad press lately but they're manufactured for a reason- to take out today's modern super animals such as the flying squirrel and the electric eel.

- Learning something, Marge? - [Groans] Uh, hi.

I'm Moe S.

[All] Hi, Moe! Yeah, so last night, I was closing up the bar when some young punk comes in and tries to stick me up.

- [All Gasping] - Whatever did you do, Moe? Well, it could've been a real ugly situation but I managed to shoot him in the spine.

[Applause] Yeah, I guess the next place he robs better have a ramp.

[Laughter] Hi.

I'm Homer S.

- [All] Hi, Homer! - Hi.

It seems to me if a gun can protect something as important as a bar it's good enough to protect my family.

So if you'll have me, I would like to become a lifetime member of your wonderful organization.

[Cheering, Shouting] Homer, you can't join up with these gun nuts.

Oh, come on.

Be fair, Marge.

For once in your life, be fair! [Groans] [Explosion] - Sorry! - My fault.

[Whistling] [Gasps] Don't shoot.

Just take the money and get out.

What? Oh, Apu, I would never- Or would I? [Thinking] I've already gone this far.

I wonder what my life would be like if I robbed the Kwik-E-Mart.

I'll do it.

I'll rob the Kwik-E-Mart.

All right, put your- D'oh! Oh, well, I'll rob it next time.

Can you help me get my ball down from the roof, Dad? Sure thing, honey.

- You want me to get the cat down? - No, thanks.

Rull! Missed one, Dad.

- See you in hell, dinner plate.

- [Gunshot] Does anyone know where all my dinner plates went? - Um- - You probably left 'em at work.

On another topic, guess who was picked to host the next N.



get-together? - Homer, I told you this morning, no guns at the dinner table.

- You said the breakfast table.

It's the same table! Listen, if it'll make you feel any better, I'll put the safety on.

Whoops! Guess it was already on.

Uh, I'd better just put it down.

No offense, Mom, but that was pretty cool.

Homer, I think you'd agree that I've put up with a lot in this marriage.

But this is the first time since we've been married that I've actually feared for our lives.

So I'm asking you, if you really care about me and the children please, please get rid of the gun.

All right, Marge.

I'll do it for you.

[Moaning] I'm a lucky woman.

And I'm a wonderful man.

[Straining] Aw! I don't feel them.

You said there'd be "Fudgeicles," Bart.

Where's the "Fudgeicles"? First, it's Fudgsicle.

And I know they're up here.

I just need a better foothold.

Hello! And the next marksman is William Tell, Jr.

! Jinx! [Gasps] Bart! Oh, I see Bart gets to have a gun.

You lied to me! You promised to get rid of this gun.

I put it in a safe place, Marge.

I mean, what are the odds the boy would look in the vegetable crisper? How could you? Of all the terrible things you've ever done in your life, this is the worst the most despicable! - But, Marge, I swear to you, I never thought you'd find out! - [Groans] Until you decide what's more important your gun or your family we can't live in the same house.

Come on, kids.

So this is the thanks I get for protecting my family? Then go! I'll be just fine! - Do you know how to cook dinner? - Do I? - I've left Homer.

- Thank God.

So we need a place to spend the night.

Try the Sleep-Eazy Motel.

I woke up there once.

Seemed nice.

- Why can't we stay here? - Uh, we have a gentleman caller.

Hey, this TV's not broken.

It's just unplugged.

What the- - Ooh, the gun club's gonna be here any minute.

- [Doorbell Rings] [Gasps] They're here! They're here! Hiya, Homer.

I brung ya a big bag of irregular Oreos.

I don't see what's wrong with this one.


Lookir for a good time, sailor? - I certainly am.

- No, you're not! He's really not.

And that's how, with a few minor adjustments you can turn a regular gun into five guns.

[Light Applause] Here's some more chocolate curls, gun buddies.

Anyone else want a beer? Homer, you use your gun as a can opener? I use it for everything.

Watch me turn on the TV.

- [Gunfire] - [Grunting] I've never seen such recklessness! - You might've hurt someone! - Are you some kind of moron? - Yeah, but- - Hey, yutz.

Guns aren't toys.

They're for family protection, hunting dangerous or delicious animals and keeping the king of England out of your face.

- Your membership card please, Homer.

- Oh! I'll also need to remove your tattoo.

- I didn't get one yet.

- Rats.

Now, since you're no longer a member please go outside until the meeting is over.

[Chuckling] - [Disco] - [Laughing, Chattering] - Hey, we got a pool! - Can we go swimming, Mom? Mmm, not right now, dear.

Wow! The TV's coin-operated.

And so is the Bible! I'd like to order a wake-up call, please.

Uh, for every room except this one.

That's right.

Good night.

[Chuckling] Always love trying out new material on the road.

[Bart] No way are you gonna beat me this time, Lise.

- [Coins Clinking] - [Voice Wavering] Yes, I am! - Come on, Spotty! - Come on, Smelly! [Gunfire] Oh! This gun cost me everything- my wife, my kids.

Everything but my precious, precious gun.

[Gunshot] This stinks.

I want my family back.

Hey, is that a camera in the ceiling? [Male Voice] No.

Go back to sleep.

This bed is making me nauseous! Why won't it stop? Honey, it'll be morning soon.

Try to get some sleep.

- [Door Opens] - [Gasps] Oh, uh, I'm sorry.

Are you planning to stay the whole night? - Yes! - All right.

Vote Quimby.

- Marge? - [Man Groans] - Sorry.

Marge? - [Woman Gasps] - Oh.


Marge? - [Mayor Quimby] Vote Quimby.

- Sorry.

- [Marge] Down here, Homer! Oh, Marge, there's so many things I wanna yell to you! Come down here! Okay! Oh, honey, please come home.

I need you.

It's dark in the house and I'm hungry and lonesome and there's no one there to hear my various witty remarks.

- What about the gun? - It's gone for good, Marge.

I finally realized, what's the point of having a gun for protection if you've got no one to protect? Oh, Homie.

Mmm! Come on, kids.

We're goir home.

[Together] Yea! Okeydoke.

Here's your bill and your continental breakfast.

[Coughing] All right, everybody, hands up! You, give me the cash drawer.

Do what he says.

I'm too rich to die.

Freeze, bad guy! - Vote Quimby! - Okay, man.

Don't shoot.


Homer, you said you got rid of the gun! You lied to me again! - I know I said that, but what I secretly meant was- - Yoink! [Sinister Laughter] The joke's on you, buddy.

There's no bullets in that thing.

- [Rattling] - [Laughing] Yo, give me the bullets.

- Okay.

Don't shoot! - [All] Drop it! Bye! How did you know we were being robbed? The clerk here pressed the silent alarm, and we picked it up on our scanner.

- Did anyone stop that robber? - No, I don't think so.

I'm sorry I lied to you, Marge but this gun had a hold on me.

I felt this incredible surge of power like God must feel when he's holding a gun.

So please, get rid of it, because I know I'll just lie to you again and again.

Hmm! - [Murmuring] - Shh!