The Simpsons Episode Scripts

3G02 - Lisa's Sax

[Chorus Singing] [Bell Ringing] [Whistle Blowing] [Beeping] [Jazzy Solo] [Beeping] [Tires Screeching] D'oh.

[Screams] - [Singing] - [Riano] [Singing] [Continues] [Homer Singing] [Marge, Homer Singing] [Continues] [Ends] [Audience Applauding] [Announcer] The Simpsons is filmed in front of a live studio audience.

Hey there, meathead.

What are you watchir? Oh, I thought I'd check out the Warner Brothers Network.

[Singing] I need a drink.

[Announcer] It's the TV movie of the year- The Krusty the Klown Story: Booze, Drugs, Guns, Lies Blackmail and Laughter.

Starring Fyvush Finkel as Krusty the Clown.

I went through a five-year orgy of nonstop pills and booze with nothing to show for it but four Emmys and a Peabody Award.

with nothing to show for it but four Emmys and a Peabody Award.

[Groans] All right! They're gonna show his disastrous marriage to Mia Farrow.

Chan Ho, your mother Mia and I are getting a divorce.

Chan Ho is over there.

I am Chin Ho.

Whoever you are.

Just pass it along, kid.

[Laughs] What a bad father.

[Whirring] - [Saxophone] - Lisa, knock off that racket! But, Dad, I'm supposed to practice an hour a day.

- I'll practice you! - You'll practice me? What does that mean? Is it supposed to be some sort of threat? - [Groans] - [Saxophone] - Bart, make her stop.

- Hmm.

Look, Bart, I have to practice my saxophone, and you can't stop me.

Oh, yeah? My dear Lisa, you are eight, and I am 10.

And in my two extra years on this planet I've learned a few tricks.

- Gimme that sax! - No! - I said gimme! - I said no! - Gimme it.

Gimme, gimme, gimme! - No! No, no, no! [Shouts, Gasps] [Honking] Ha-ha! [Crying, Sniffling] Aw, Lisa, it doesn't look so bad.

Oh, yeah? Ew! Lisa, honey if it'll make you feel better, I'll destroy something Bart loves.

- Hey! - Don't worry, Son.

If that bothers you, I'll destroy something Maggie loves.

Dad, you don't understand.

This saxophone is like my oldest friend.

I've had it for as long as I can remember.

- You don't remember how you got it? - Nuh-uh.

Oh, well, it all happened in 1990.

Back then, The Artist Formerly Known as Prince was currently known as Prince.

Tracey Ullman was entertaining America with songs, sketches and crudely drawn filler material.

And Bart was eagerly awaiting his first day of school.

[Men Harmonizing] [Man Singing] - Look, Mama! - Oh, honey, I can't right now.

Bart's gonna be late.

Hmph! Now, Son, on your first day of school I'd like to pass along the words of advice my father gave me.

Homer, you're dumb as a mule and twice as ugly.

If a strange man offers you a ride, I say take it.

Lousy traumatic childhood.

[Honks] Ooh, there's the bus.

Good-bye, sweetheart.

School will be fun.

[Skinner] Welcome, kindergarteners.

I'm Principal Sinner- Skinner.

- [Laughing] - Well, that's it.

I've lost them forever.

Now I'd like to introduce you to Lunch Lady Doris who will serve you healthy, nutritious meals.

- Yeah, right.

- [Skinner] Ms.

Rhipps, the school nurse who will provide ointments and unguents and Jimbo, the school bully who will administer noogies and nipple twisters.

- I look forward to whaling on all of you.

- [Gulps] [Singing Together] [Singing] Added extra clap.

Not college material.

- [Humming] - Hey, wee bairn! [Shouts In Thick Scottish Accent] Can't you understand English? - [Door Closes] - Hi, honey.

How was your first day of school? Honey? - [Singing] - [Piano] [Singing] [Singing] [Singing Together] And that, my children is the story of Bart's first day of school.

- Very nice.

- Yeah.

Yeah.

Except you were supposed to be telling the story of how I got my saxophone.

D'oh! Homer, I can't get the baby to burp.

Could you try for a while? No problem.

I'll just give her a sip of beer.

Come on, Maggie, it's Miller time.

Yes, it's Miller time.

- Homer! - Oh, my father gave me beer as a child till I wrapped my little red wagon around a tree.

[All Groaning] Let's never drink again.

And we never did.

Mom, can you tell me the story of how I got my saxophone and not have it turn into a story about Bart? Oh, sure, honey.

- Bart had just completed his first day at school, and Bart- - Mom! Hey, she's just giving the public what it wants- Bart by the barrelful.

Sorry, Lisa.

It's just how the story goes.

No matter what Bart tried, he just couldn't fit in at school.

A-B-C- - Uh, line? - "D.

" D-E- Um, line? "F," Bart.

And believe me, you'll be seeing plenty of'em.

Bart, would you like to read a book? - No.

- Would you like to color something? I did.

Mmm.

[Saxophone] [Man on TV] That's damn fine coffee you got here in Twin Reaks and damn good cherry pie.

Brilliant.

[Laughs] I have absolutely no idea what's going on.

Homer, I want you to look at this drawing Bart did.

Oh, it's beautiful! Oh! Oh, let's put Bart's beautiful drawing up on the fridge.

Homer, stop.

Would you please look at the drawing? Oh, all right.

What a- [Screams] Burn it! Send it to hell! - I think we're going to have to get Bart some help.

- Get it away.

- Bart, Son? You want to play catch? - No.

When a boy doesn't want to play catch with his old man, something is seriously wrong.

I'll play catch with you, Son.

- Get the hell out.

- I'm gone.

- Aah.

- Mrs.

Simpson physically your son is as sound as a dollar.

I'm afraid Bart's severe emotional dysfunction stems from a deep-seated psychological trauma.

[Laughs] [Marge Narrating] With nowhere else to turn, we went to see the school psychologist.

Mr.

and Mrs.

Simpson, there's nothing to be alarmed about.

Public school can be intimidating to a young child particularly one with as many flamboyantly homosexual tendencies as your son.

- Bart's gay? - Bart? Uh-Whoo! Wrong file.

Uh, the point I'm trying to make here is that Bart must learn to be less of an individual and more a faceless slug.

- Mm-hmm.

- Hmm.

Lisa, how old are you? I am three and three eighths.

Hmm.

Lisa, if I have five apples, and I take away three apples how many apples do I have left? - Two apples.

- Wait a minute.

- She's right.

- Yes.

Very good.

Marge, Homer, I believe your Lisa may be gifted.

That's wonderful.

But still, can't you do anything for Bart? Marge, he's five.

His life is over.

Lisa's the wave of the future.

- Wave of the future! - [Chuckles] That's right, honey.

If you nurture her gift now, there's no telling what she can do.

Wow, just think of the possibilities.

[Man] Lisa Simpson has won the Nobel Rrize.

Nah.

[Man] Lisa Simpson has won the Nobel Rrize for kickboxing.

- [Grunts] - Hmm.

Uh, I'll give you the address of a nice preschool.

[Girls Singing] I can assure you, our preschool is of the highest quality.

Over 75% of our graduates go on to first grade.

Our little girl has a gift, and we're willing to do what it takes to help her.

Very good.

Once we receive your $6,000 tuition check, she's in.

- I'll give you 50 bucks.

- Our fee is nonnegotiable.

- Seventy-five.

- Look, I knew private school would be expensive but I was hoping we could get a scholarship of some sort.

Sorry.

I don't have anything to offer you unless you're a member of a minority group.

Excelente.

Muchos gracias, "se´┐Żorata.

" - Sorry.

- [Chinese Accent] Aah, so.

Come on, honey.

I guess this is a world you'll never know.

Our family was suffering through its worst crisis ever.

Bart was miserable at school and Lisa's gifts were going to waste.

Uh, Homer? It's five years later, and I'm still miserable at school.

And my gifts are still going to waste.

And sometimes I feel so smothered by this family I just wanna scream till my lungs explode.

[Gasps] I'll go start dinner now.

- You do that.

- [Marge Grumbles] - Hello.

- Dad, what are you doir here? Lookir for my teeth.

[Muffled Barking] Gimme those! Better wash these off.

Oh, the hell with it.

Well, Grampa, as long as you're here we were telling a story that took place when Bart was five and Lisa was three.

Oh, I know this story.

The year is The president is the divine Miss Sarah Bernardt.

And all over America people were doir a dance called the Funky Grandpa.

[Singing] [Snoring] Yes.

Well, as if our troubles werert bad enough Springfield was going through an unseasonable heat wave.

[Kent Brockman On TV] And so Springfield's heat wave continues with today's temperature exceeding the record for this date set way back four billion years ago when the Earth was just a ball of molten lava.

Oh, so hot.

Homer, have you seen the frozen peas? - [Grunts] - Um, you keep 'em.

Now listen, if we can't afford private school maybe there's some other way to encourage Lisa.

Um, an art class, ballet lessons.

They have some fun things you can do at the museum on Saturday.

Uh-uh.

Forget it, Marge.

There is no way I'm spending my Saturdays at a museum.

Unless- Museums don't have foosball, do they? - [Dings] - You lose, Michelangelo's David.

Who's next? Me! Oh, I guess it doesn't matter.

All these things cost money, and we just don't have it.

- Unless- - Unless what? Well, there's that $200 we've been saving for the new air conditioner.

Oh, Marge, but we've needed a new air conditioner for years.

And our stop-gap solution is getting cranky.

[Yowls] I cannot believe this.

I'm trying to give our daughter a head start in life and you aren't helping a bit.

Marge, name one successful person who ever lived without air conditioning.

- Balzac.

- No need for potty mouth just because you can't think of one.

- But Balzac is the name.

- [Babbling] If ifs and buts were candy and nuts- - Uh, how does the rest of that go? - Please just promise you won't buy an air conditioner till we've figured out a way to help Lisa.

All right, all right.

I promise.

Must be another way to get an air conditioner.

[Machinery Whirring] Mmm, recirculated air.

[Meows, Shivering] - Uh, Homer? - What, Flanders? Well, sir, I hate to be a suspicious Aloysius on you but did you steal my air conditioner? Well, I admit it looks bad, Flanders, but haven't you heard of "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone"? [Groans] - Got him, Dad.

- [Groans] And so, just as things looked their worst- I realized I could make money selling my medication to deadheads.

Grampa, what are you talking about? Oh, nothing.

As I was saying, things couldn't be worse for Lisa or Bart.

"And the ugly duckling was amazed to realize it had grown into a beautiful swan.

" So you see, children, there is hope for anyone.

- Even me? - No.

Uh, hi.

- Hi.

- I have soy milk.

The doctor says the real kind could kill me.

I wish I was interesting like you.

[Imitates Fart] - [Laughing] You're funny.

- I am? Yeah.

- And the world needs a clown.

- Hmm.

[Imitates Fart] Doody.

Booger.

[Laughing] Man, that is killer material.

- [Singing] - Young man, I can assure you my posterior is nothing more than flesh, bone and that metal plate I got in 'Nam.

- [Gulps] - I want you to knock off that potty talk right now.

The principal said "potty.

" [Laughing] [Grumbles] You listen to me, son.

You've just started school and the path you choose now may be the one you follow for the rest of your life.

Now, what do you say? Eat my shorts.

- All right, I'll eat- Eat your shorts? - [Kids Laughing] Yeah, eat my shorts.

[Singing] - Buttman? - [Grunts] [Giggles] He's the greatest showman since that kid who eats worms.

My 15 minutes of fame are over.

[Homer] Well, Moe, this is it.

Today's the day I get my new air conditioner.

Congratulations.

Who's the little chick? - I'm Lisa.

- She has a gift.

You have 13 pickled eggs in this jar and one cockroach.

[Laughs] Who are you, sweetheart, the health inspector? No, but I am.

Uh, here, have a margarita.

Uh, that's a parasol.

[Gasps] Ooh.

- Help us, Homer.

- Yeah, help us, you fat yutz.

[Gurgling] [Laughing] Wow.

Musical instrument? Could that be a way to encourage a gifted child? Just give me a sign.

Works for me.

Uh, what do you like, Lisa? "Viomalin"? "Tubamaba"? - "Oboemoboe"? - That one.

Oh, "saxomaphone.

" Two hundred dollars? Oh, I'll take it.

- [Note Plays] - [Giggling] - Would you like an inscription, sir? - Yeah.

To Lisa: Never forget your daddy loves- D'oh! And that inscription is still there today.

Wow.

So that's how Lisa got her sax.

Next, I'll tell you the origin of Maggie's pacifier.

What origin? We get 'em for $ 1.

95 down at the Safeway.

Well, I really liked that story, but it still doesn't fix this.

You know, Homer, I think we have some money in the air conditioner account again, hmm? Oh, but, Marge am I doomed to spend the rest of my life sweating like a pig? Yeah, not to mention lookir like a pig, eatir like a pig- - Don't forget the smell.

- Will you get off my front lawn? - Why don't you make me? - Why? Oh, I give up.

Well, don't worry about me, Dad.

[Chuckles] It's not how it looks.

It's how it sounds.

[Squealing] [Groans] [Reporter On TV] Well, sir, we got a scorcher today.

And to cool off, nothir beats Fruitopia- the iced tea brewed by hippies but distributed by a heartless, multinational corporation.

"Dear Lisa may your new saxophone bring you years of d'oh!" [Rock] - [Continues] - [Band Joins In] [Ends] You're a good father.

I learned from the master.

Where's Maggie? Where's Maggie? I'm not kiddir.

I can't see.

My retinas have detached again.

[Laughing] - He is blind as a bat.

- That's right.

- [Laughing] - It's true.

[Saxophone] [Jazz] - [Homer] Lisa! Enough "saxomaphone" already! - [Stops] [Jazz Resumes] [Ends]