The Simpsons Episode Scripts

5F18 - Natural Born Kissers

[Chorus Singing] [Bell Ringing] [Whistle Blowing] [Beeping] [Jazzy Solo] [Tires Screeching] D'oh! [Screams] [Tie Snaps] Look, honey, I clipped on my tie all by myself.

And you look as handsome as the day we were married.


Happy anniversary, Marge.

Hey, look what was in here! A program from that guy's funeral.

- You mean Frank Grimes? - Yeah, him.

Whatever happened to that guy? - [Both Grunting] - [Laughs] - What are you doing? - Playing Hot Wheels.

Ow! That had a guide pin in it.

What happened to Grampa? He was supposed to babysit.

Now you got her, Bart.

Jump Lisa's king.

I'm not Bart.

I'm Rod Flanders.

There you go with that smart mouth! Lisa, run outside and cut me a switch.

Yes, sir! I'll guess we'll have to take the kids with us to dinner.

- [Both] Yea! - But, Marge The Gilded Truffle is an intimate, elegant place.

Boring! I'll take you to a place that's really romantic.

[Buzzing] [Children Chattering, Laughing] [Both] Happy anniversary, Mom and Dad.

D'oh! [Screaming] [Man Over R.


] Okay, folks, this is your pilot speaking.

If you'll look to the left side of the aircraft you'll see Homer and Marge "Sampson" who are celebrating with us today their 11 th air-niversary.

[Chuckles] So hang on, while we dip our wings to this happy couple.

[All Shouting] Hey, Jose, easy up, huh? Sorry.

We were only hired to park cars.

- Wow! This is the best anniversary ever! - [Gasps] [Moans] Well, maybe our next anniversary will be more romantic.

Aw, look, Homie, our wedding cake.

You mean there's been cake in our freezer for 11 years? Why was I not informed? [Marge] Look at this little plastic couple.

Hmm, so full ofhopes potential, dreams for the future.

Hey, Marge, wouldn't it be weird if they had little parties at night? Wee little parties? I'm going to bed.

Gotcha! Oh.

Another super year with a super lady.

Good night, honey.

Good night, Homie.

You know, uh, it is a special occasion.


We probably should you know, "rock the casbah.

" Yeah, it seems like the thing to do.

- So, are you gonna- - Oh.

Did you want me to? Oh, no.

No, I'm the guy.

I'm supposed to- No, no, no.

I have my part in this too.

I know, but let me get you started first.

All right, how's that? - Homie, you got your elbow in- - Oh, sorry.

- Hmm.

Ow! Ow, ow, ow! - Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry.

- [Marge] Do you want me to- - No, don't do that.

- Well, we used to do- - I know, but I don't like it.

[Sighs] - [Sighs] - [Barks] - Look who's here! - Ooh, who's a good boy? - He's the best boy! - Oh, yes, he is! Yes, he is! - [Barks] - [Both Sigh] Hey, Marge, wasrt that great when the dog came in here? - Oh, yeah! He's really special! - I love that dog.

- I love him too.

Good night.

- Good night.

[Whistling] Whoops! [Moaning] Hmm, that's queer.

[Groans] Homer, don't look! What? Aaah! The food! [Whimpering] Why did this happen? Why? [Sobbing] Someone left the freezer door open and the motor burned out.

- We can get a new one.

- Okay.

It was just the shock of seeing all that food on the floor.

Plus, I'd just fallen on my back, which hurt more than I let on.

[Marge] When we got married is this how you thought we'd be spending our Saturdays? Driving out to the boondocks to trade in a refrigerator motor? Eh, I never thought I'd live this long.

[Man Over Radio] Folks, is your marriage stuck in a rut? Can you even remember the last time you felt the thrill of romance? Well, maybe you need a divorce! - [Gong Clangs] - [Upbeat] Call the divorce specialists now for a consultation and free tote bag.

Ooh, there's the turn! - [Tires Screeching] - Oh! Oh, easy! I'll get us out of this, honey.

It's just gonna take a whole lot of floorir.

[Engine Revving] - Hmm.

- Homer! And that's why today bananas are called "yellow fatty beans.

" - Questions? - When are Mom and Dad coming back? Bored, are ya? Lisa, go cut me a switch.

Oh! There's gotta be something to do around here.

- Hey, are they pulling the plug on anybody today? - Nope, everybody's paid up.

What a weird looking vacuum cleaner.

What, are you simple? That's my old mine detector from the war.

It was my job to clear the roads of enemy explosives.

[Detector Beeping] And that's how I earned the Iron Cross.

- Can we borrow this, Grampa? - Sure.

She still works.

- [Beeping] - That's my brass knee.

Steel hip.

- [Beeping] - That one's news to me.

When you think about it, mud is nothing but wet dirt.

- I hope that farmhouse has a phone.

- [Thunder Rumbling] Oh! - [Both Gasp] - Quick! The barn! [Thunderclaps Continue] [Grunting] - [Rounding] - [Cackling] [Panting] Safe at last.


We're trespassing.

And some of these farmers have pitchforks.

Hey, Teresa, Steve.

Now who let you out? Looks like we got us some intruders.

- [Rounding] - Who's in there? - [Both Gasp] - [Grunts] If somebody's in here, you're in for some serious ass forkir! Huh.

Well, maybe they're in the media room.

[Both Panting] - That was close.

- Very close.

[Lowing] - [Motor Running] - Oh, my hero! At your service, milady.

- Cara mia.

- [Laughing] - Hey, public display! - Yeah, what's with the love thang? Let's just say the country air did us good.

[TVAudience] Whoo! Bart, I told you not to leave that TV on.

[TVAudience] Whoa-oh! - What are we looking for anyway? - Pirate booty.

What else? Argh! Now we bury the treasure.

Uh, Captain? Captain? I know we usually bury the treasure but what if this time we use it to buy things? You know, things we like.

[Grunts] Argh.

We'll dig up the treasure in seven yar.

I've drawn a map on this cracker which Polly will hold for safekeepir.

So, you see, there's treasure everywhere.

- [Beeping] - Hmm.

[Grunting] Okay, here's the deal.

Crowns and doubloons are mine snuff boxes and cameos are yours.

Now, as for wands and scepters- - It's a bottle cap.

- Jewel-encrusted? [Whistle Blowing] - Hey, Homer, see you at Moe's? - He put new electrical tape on the cushions.

Sorry, guys.

Marge and I are spending the weekend at a bed-and-breakfast.

- Oh, trying to jump-start the old marriage, huh? - Can I come? Nah, it'd just be awkward, what with the sex and all.

Yeah, I always figured Marge would be a dynamo in the sack, you know? Oh, boy, she's got legs from here to ya-ya! - How do you do, ma'am? - Hope this evening finds you well.

Oh, knock it off, you perverts.

[Homer] Now they did say bed and breakfast, right? Oh, isn't it romantic? Doilies and cozies as far as the eye can see.

If there's anything more exquisite than Queen Anne's lace, I haven't found it.

- Big enough for two.

- [Growls] Are you ready to rock? 'Cause here we go.

Should we get started? Um, eh, no time like the present.

Hmm, something's not right.

Does this bed feel lumpy to you? Well, yeah, kinda.

Did that butter churn just move? 'Cause if it did- What's wrong with us, Homer? Have we lost the spark already? No, no, honey.

Maybe this will help.

Hey! Look at that! [Gasps] Oh, good Lord! - [Gasps] - [Screams] I'm so sorry.

I saw everything.

[Pants] Oh, my heart's beating like crazy.

Mine too! Just like back in that hayloft.

You know, the fear of getting caught is kind of a turn-on.

There's that dirty girl I married.

Come on.

I have a disgusting idea.

[Woman] Oh, it's a donkey.

- Shh.

They'll hear us.

- They didn't hear us in the sewing room.

[Giggling] Hmm.

- Whoa! Excellent haul! - But it's all trash.


Now there's nothing left out there but treasure.

- Hello, everybody.

- Hey, you're back.

Did you "rock the casbah"? Bart! Yes.

Do you know you have your hands in each other's pockets? It's okay when you're in love and married to the sweetest guy in the world! - Ahhh.

Eskimo kiss! - [Both Moaning] - [Both] Eew.

- You guys are sick.

You don't think there's anything wrong with what we're doing, do you? I don't think anything I've ever done is wrong.

- [Shovel Bangs Object] - [Gasps] This is it, Lise.

The mother lode! [Panting, Grunts] [Sighs] Wow! An alternate ending to Casablanca.

Bart, this could be priceless! Priceless like a mother's love, or the good kind of priceless? Not yet.




Now! Oh, this is so naughty.

Coming back to our old love nest.

It hasn't changed since that magical evening when I knocked you up.

Oh, we drank so much that night.


I thought Bart would be born a dimwit! Yeah.

Well, this time I'm drunk on love and beer.

[Film Rrojector Running] Here comes "two.

" [Beeps] Louis, I think this could be the start of a beautiful friendship.

Look out, Rick! He's packir heat! Good work, Sam.

Come on.

I'll buy you a falafel.

Not so fast, "schmarteneimer"! - [Explosion] - Hope you don't mind my dropping in? Not at all, sweet cakes.

You know what to do, Sam.

[Slow Melody] - [Bell Tolling] - [Crowd Cheering] Unbelievable.

I'll say.

Wasrt it great? And the question mark leaves the door open for a sequel.

I've seen that movie 10 times, and I never get tired of that ending.

Aye, aye, aye, where did you get this, ya shrunken old hag, ya? - I'm just a little girl.

- [Grunts] My studio produced Casablanca, all right? We tried to tack that happy ending on the picture, 'cause back then well, studio execs, we were- we were just dopes in suits, not like today.

What are you talking about? I loved it.

Ah, you're a sweet old gent to say that.

- This should be in a museum.

- Look, I'll tell you what.

I'll give you 20 bucks to bury this thing again.

This one too.

Now, the secret to the windmill hole is to- - Not hit the blades? - Bingo.

[Homer Gasps] Hmm, that's odd.

It didn't come out the rear end.

Rod, you've got small, girlish hands.

Reach in and fish it out.

- A hand! - [Gasps] Ow! Daddy, something attacked me! Oh, now, Roddy, it's just a stuck ball.

I'll get it.

Truant ball, eh? [Chuckles] I'll help you.

Oh, quit showing off, Seymour.

I'll get it.

There is something in there.


Krabappel] Feels like a Hefty Bag full of meat.

We're trapped! Oh, why can't they just play through? [Rod] No, Daddy, you stick your hand in there and see what it is.

Eh, something's in there, all right.

- Maybe it's presents for all of us.

- Well, it could be anything.

- [Sniffing] Smells like a bear.

- [All Gasp] Who cares what it is? Let's monoxide it! Oh, why are people always trying to kill me? - We have to get out of here! - [Grunting] [All Gasping] - [Screaming] - [Crashing] [All Coughing, Groaning] [Gasps] It was people! People soiled our green! And now they're out there somewhere, naked as the day God made them! Boy, I'll tell ya.

[Chuckles] They only come out at night.

Or in this case, uh, the daytime.

You've got to catch them! Think of the children.

Wort somebody please think of the children! All right, all right.

Here you go, boy.

Get the scent.

[Whining] That's a shame.

He had one day left till retirement.

[Both Panting] Okay, come on! Marge, can we trade? I don't trust these guys.

We've gotta get home before someone sees us.

You know, all this danger is kind of a turn- - [Grunts] - Okay.

[Gasps] Gill! Thank God it's you! You gotta help us! Well, that's what I'm here for.

I mean, you're young, successful, you're naked.

You want a car with a radio, right? You kids like music, right, huh? [Humming] [Siren Wailing] Wait, wait, wait, wait! Don't go! Oh, no, not today.

Not to Gill.

I could taste that sale.

I was in the zone.

All right, men, those nudies are here somewhere.

Fan out! Oh, we're surrounded, Marge.

Maybe we should give ourselves up.

- But think of the scandal.

- Yeah, the British tabloids will have a field day.

There's only one thing left to do.

Grab on to the handles, Marge! - Got 'em.

- [Grunts] Ah, they stole the balloon! I've been living in there! Well, just, you know, just till things pick up.

Oh, Lord, my hot plate.

I only had two payments left.

[Homer] Okay, I think I figured this thing out.

- [Flame Searing] - You go up and down, but not side to side, or back in time.

[Gasps] Clothes! We're saved! - Oh, these have pleats.

- Just grab 'em! [Gasps] I'm okay, honey.

Now listen very carefully.

I want you to pull on the thing that's near the other thing.

- You mean this thing? - [Screams] No, that was not the thing.

[Groans] - [Ripe Organ] - Now, let us thank the Lord for this magnificent Crystal Cathedral which allows us to look out upon his wondrous creation.

- [Flesh Screeching Window] - [Congregation Gasps] Now quickly! Gaze down at God's fabulous parquet floor.

Eyes on the floor.

Still on the floor.

- Oh, my ass! - Always on God's floor.

[Moaning] - Hang on, Homie! I'm gonna try to set her down! - Thank you.

Wow! A lot of people have pools.

Honey, my shoulders are separating! Okay, okay, here we go.

[Cheering] Dear Lord, look at that blimp! He's hanging from a balloon! Marge, uh, can we not land here? Honey? Baby doll? - [Groans] - [Announcer] No good! Don't blame me! - [Crowd Gasps] - [Man] That's hideous! Why don't you take a picture? It lasts longer! - [Camera Shutters Clicking] - D'oh! It would have to be camera day.

[Cheering, Whistling] - Wow! - Hey! I don't want you reading those awful scandal sheets.

Uh, I was just trying to find Dave Barry's column.

He's great.

He pokes fun at life's little foibles.

Kids, I want to explain about the stadium.

You see, sometimes moms and dads get a little, well, accustomed to each other.

- Dads especially.

- So they need to explore new ways to express their love.

Scary ways.

But we never intended it to end like that with thousands of people staring at our naked bodies.

All those eyes just leering and leering at us.

- Who's in the mood for miniature golf? - Ooh, I am! [Both Cheering] Huh.

They're gonna feel so silly when they realize they forgot us.

[Man Singing Runk Rock] - [Chattering] - Shh!