The Simpsons Episode Scripts

5F16 - King of the Hill

[Chorus Singing] [Tires Screeching] D'oh! [Screams] [Homer] Ooh! - [Alarm Beeping] - McBain to base.

Under attack by Commie Nazis.

[Beeping] They won't stop me from delivering these UNICEF pennies.

[Grunts] [Grunts] Go, pennies.

Help the puny children who need you.


McBain is really buffed up.

You could grate cheese on those abs.


But can he do this? [Sighs] [Shudders] - I surrender.

- Not so fast.

That's what I call breakneck speed.

[Laughs] Mom, a man just died.

[Groans] Anyway, it's time for the church picnic.

What? They had a picnic last week.

No, they didn't.

You just brought a bucket of chicken to church.

If God didn't want us to eat in church he would have made gluttony a sin.

[All Laughing] [Chuckles] Ah, the joke's on you.

We borrowed that jar from your table.

So you just shot your own mustard.

Aw, nuts.

- [Homer] Ooh.

Still plenty of parking.

- [Children Chattering] Nice to see you, Homer.


Out of my way, whoever you are.

You're blocking the food.

[Giggling] Ah, there's nothing like a good old-fashioned picnic.

How's my kite doing, Smithers? Oh, it's, uh, soaring majestically, sir.

- You're it.

- We'll see about that.

After him, Smithers.

Aaah! You're not it! Gentlemen, the game is capture the flag.

- Rod, ladies pick first.

- Okay.

I choose Todd.

Oh! Oh! Oh! Bart! Bart! Bart! Over here! Over here! - Um, I'll take- - [Milhouse] Rick me! Rick me! Nelson.

Saving the best for last, huh, Bart? Yeah.

That must be it.

I pick my dad.

Do you want to play capture the flag, Daddy? [Chuckles] We- Sports on a Sunday? Hmm.

I better check with Reverend- [Lovejoy] Oh, just play the damn game, Ned.


Well, if you get a grown-up, then so do we.

- I pick my dad.

- [Snoring] - [Nelson] Him? - Well, you'd be surprised.

He gets pretty competitive when he's drinking.

Come on, Dad.

We're playing capture the flag.

Sorry, Son.

Daddy's down for the day.

Why don't you go capture me some more potato salad.

But Rod picked his dad.

It's a matter of family honor.

Flanders is playing? Why didn't you say so? [Grunting] [Sighs] Oh.

It appears I will have to find a new fortress of solitude.

- Okay, Dad.

They've got our flag guarded pretty good.

- I agree.

Let's surrender.



I have a plan.

But I'll need your underpants.


All right.

But don't lose 'em.

They're my only pair.

I got it! I got the flag! - [All Shouting] - Get him! Get him! He's getting away! [Chuckles] Stupid kids.

Pin him! - [All Grunting] - This isn't the flag.

It looks more like- Ew! [Laughs] Suckers.

Go, Dad! [Panting] - [All Shouting] - [Panting, Wheezing] - [Shouting Continues] - [Milhouse] He's gettir away! [Panting] Come on, Dad.

Just a few more feet.

Show 'em what you got.

[Panting] [Milhouse] Go! Get him! Go! Go! [Milhouse] Tag him! Tag him! - Tag him! Quick! Tag him! - Time out! - Time out! - Oh, I don't think he can get up.

- Let's egg him! - [All] Yeah! [All Shouting, Laughing] [Shouting] Ow! Stop it! Hey.

He's trying to turn over.

[All Shouting] [Whimpering] [Groans] [Homer] I've never seen Bart so ashamed of me.

Oh, Marge.

How could you let me let myself go like this? Me? I'm not the one who puts butter in your coffee.


Well, I've humiliated my son for the last time.

- I'm going to get into shape.

- Whatever you say, sweetie.


I mean it.

I'm really serious this time.

Okay, honey.


I'll start taking in all your slacks.

[Laughs] [Grunts] - [Panting] - Okay, boy.

I want you to keep this exercise thing under your hat.

- That way, I won't be embarrassed if I fail.

- [Barks] - [Screeches] - Oh, great.

Now the cat knows.


Here we go.

[Panting] Oh! [Growling] [Inales Deeply] Look, Son.

Daddy got in shape.

[Exhales Deeply] [Groans] Oh.

I've gotta keep trying.

Or I could just move that picture.


The picture looked good where it was.

Boy, drag me back outside.

[Growling] [Panting] [Groans] D'oh! Hey! [Groans] D'oh! [Groans] - [Bell Dings] - [Panting] [Snoring] - Hmm? [Clears Throat] - So what will it be, Mr.

Simpson? Your usual bucket of ice cream covered with miniature pies? Uh, don't you have anything healthy here? Oh, well, we do have some low-salt candy bars and some reduced-fat soda.

And our beef jerky is now nearly rectum-free.


These Powersauce bars look pretty healthy.

Oh, yes.

That is a new item.

No bar contains more applesauce.


"A bushel of apples packed in each bar "plus the secret ingredient that unleashes the awesome power of apples.

" Wow! [Mispronouncing] "Gym"? What's a "gym"? [Mispronounces] Oh.

A "gym.

" Ow.


Boy, I'm feeling this.


Ooh, my head's gonna be sore in the morning.

[Grunts] Excuse me.

You're doing this station all backwards.

- Let me show you how to do it like a man.

- [Gasps] Rainier Wolfcastle! Oh, I love your movies and your Powersauce bars and your taught, rippling- Hey, hey, hey.

That's enough.

Now step over to the Abdominator and I will shout slogans at you.

- [Grunting] - Push.


Go past the max.

Reach over the top.

Master your ass.

[Crackling] [Grunting] Wow, Wolfie.

Two months ago I didn't know what the word dumbbell meant.

- This place is great.

- Mm-hmm.

Hello, handsome.

Nice muscles.

Care for a rubdown? Oh! Well, I'm flattered but spoken for.

Oh, what the heck.

Give me your number.

Dad, what have you done to your stomach? - And your chest.

- And your shirt! I have been working out secretly at night.

And look at me now! Oh, my goodness gracious! [Chuckles] Go ahead.

Try and grab some flab.

Go on! No.

Not there.

Not there either.

Over here.

- I've got some.

- No.


Try my foot.


Not that foot.

Just feel my biceps.

- Ooh! - Whoa! Well, what do you think of your old man now, Son? - [Grunts] - Whoa! Damn right.

How can you put that filth into your bodies? My casserole is not filth.

- Eat it.

- Look at you people.

Bart's a tub.

Lisa's weak as a little girl.

And Maggie doesn't seem to be growing at all.

- Now that's just not- - You too, Marge.

If you toned up a little, you'd probably get a lot more action.

[Clicks Tongue] Homer, stop insulting us and eat your filth.


I mean food.


I only eat food in bar form.

When you concentrate food, you unleash its awesome power, I'm told.

That's why I'm compressing five pounds of spaghetti into one handy, mouth-size bar.

[Gulps] - Hmm.

- [Beeping] - [Line Rings] - Hospital, please.

[Grunting] Homer, please remember to wipe your sweat off that machine.

I got a terrible rash yesterday.

You know Rainier Wolfcastle? Yeah.

He helped me blast through the burn and ride the zone.

[Grunting] Yo, yo, Rainier, my man.

How you doir? I thought you'd be here pumping those guns.

We've come up with a killer promotion for Powersauce bars.

- Picture this.

You- - I love it.

- climb the highest mountain in Springfield.

- The Murderhorn.

Are you crazy? That's suicide.

[Scoffs] Sure! For experienced mountain climbers.

But you're a movie star.

And you'll have the Powersauce edge.

Not for all the applesauce in Gl�ckenschlabel.

My dad could do it.

He eats 50 dollars' won'th of Powersauce bars a day.

Overshoot the extreme.

Max the envelope and so on.


He's really been paying attention to our slogans.

Brad, a word? New angle: Joe Schlub eats Powersauce bar, becomes world's mightiest man.

It's believable.

That's what I like about it.

- Congratulations, sir.

- Huh? You're gonna be the first man to climb the Murderhorn.

I am? Uh, no.

That's it over there.

[Gasps] Yeah.

That's it.

Just to the right of the one you're looking at.

[Whimpers] [Whimpers] Oh.

[Homer] Okay.

Mountain climbing supplies.


Ice ax.

Heart medicine.

Son, don't go up that mountain.

You'll die up there, just like I did.

You? "Did"? Sure.

It was the winter of'28.

The Butter Baby Flapjack Company sponsored me and a fella named McAllister.

We were almost to the top when we ran low on supplies.

Heroically, I gave him the last short stack.

Then that glory hog took all the supplies and headed for the top alone.

[Screaming] I fell 8,000 feet onto a pile of jagged rocks.

Of course, folks were tougher in those days.

I was jitterbugging that very night.

But that skunk McAllister was never seen again.

But that skunk McAllister was never seen again.

If you're trying to scare me, it won't work.

I'm 100% focused on my goal.


My hat has earflaps.

And when he reaches the top, Mr.

Simpson here will plant this Powersauce flag as an eternal symbol of mars contempt for nature.


Is "contempt" the word I want here? Homer, you're the world's greatest hero.

Do you owe it all to Powersauce? That's right, Brad and Neil.

I only eat Powersauce, the bar with "applesauceicity.

" Has anyone mentioned that Homer doesn't know anything about mountain climbing and that this is all crazy? Well, yes.

A number of people.

But don't worry.

We're sending two Sherpas along as guides.

[Speaking Foreign Language] Aw.

Good-bye, everyone.

- Don't touch my stuff.

- Dad, wait.

You're not risking your life just to impress me, are you? Well, yeah.

Oh, cool.

Now get goir.


Remember our agreement.

He can't fail.

- [Homer Wheezing] - [Oxygen Hissing] Oh, man.

This is hard.

Uh, Dad shouldn't you save a couple bottles for when you're a little higher? Bart, this climb is the most difficult ordeal I have ever faced.

Don't get discouraged, Dad.

Only four vertical miles to go.

[Homer] D'oh! [Snoring] [Both Grunting] [Roaring] Huh? [Sighs] Wow.

Look how far I climbed.

And I'm not even tired.

- [Kicking] - Wake up, you lazy Sherpas.

We've got a mountain to climb.

[Foreign Language] This Powersauce newsbreak is brought to you by Powersauce.

Get sauced with Powersauce.

Neil? Our top story: Homer Simpson has just "powersauced" his way past the halfway point of the Murderhorn.

Brad, could Homer have made it this far without the engineered nutrition of six kinds of apples? No way, Neil.


This just in.

Powersauce is amazing! [Mutters] Huh? What the- Hey! You guys are dragging me up the mountain.

Brad and Neil were quite insistent you not die.

- Frankly, we don't care.

- So nobody believes I can do this, huh? Well, my son does.

And I'm not gonna let him down.

I'm going to climb this entire mountain on my own.

Then technically shouldn't you go back down and start all over? Shut up! You are so fired! - Whoo-hoo! - [Laughing] Homer Simpson here.

I've sent the Sherpas home, and I'm heading for the top- solo.

Are you crazy? You'll never make it.

The hell I won't.

You're forgetting I've got my Powersauce bars.

Wake up, Homer.

Those bars are just junk.

They're made of apple cores and Chinese newspapers.


Deng Xiaoping died.

[Neil] Homer, listen to me.

Turn back now! Forget it.

I'll be at the top by noon.

Over and out.

Homer Simpson, defying all medical advice has switched to Powersauce's archrival, the Vita-Peach Health Log.

Doctors say he may not have the mega-nutrients needed to stave off death.

Oh, Dad's gonna die, and it's all my fault.

I really need a good talking-to.

Don't worry, kids.

Your father will be okay - as long as he's with those Sherpas.

- Uh, Mom.

[Groans] [Grunting] Eight.

[Panting] [Grunting] [Groans] Air's getting thin.

But I'm gonna make it.


Getting light-headed.


No heavy head to carry.


I'll just take that escalator.

[Humming] [Giggles] Huh? [Humming] [Vocalizing] [Vocalizing Continues] D'oh! [Grunting] Just a few feet more.

I did it.

I made it all the way to- Aw, crap! It just keeps going! [Sobbing] I give up.

You beat me, mountain! [Sighs] At least I won't freeze to death.

[Yelps] "Last entry: I have mountaineered to the utmost "but the peak is unclimbable.

"Worse still, that treacherous skunk, Abe Simpson stole my oxygen and tried to eat my left arm.

" Ew, Dad! "Tell my beloved wife my last thoughts were of her "blinding and torturing Abe Simpson.


" [Groans] My dad's a disgrace, just like Bart's dad! Me! [Sobs] This may not be the top, but it's as close as a Simpsors ever gonna get.

This is for you, Son.

[Grunting] [Gasping] Uh-oh.


Wait a minute.

I'm on the top.

I actually did it! I climbed the unclimbable mountain! Bow down before me, everyone, for I am your king! Family to Dad.

Family to Dad.

- Come in, Dad.

- Uh, I'm pretty sure he's dead, little girl.


Have a Powersauce bar.

It's on the house.


Something's comir down the mountain- fast! Oh, no! He fell! I can't look! [Faint Shouting] - Hi.

- Oh, Homie! You're alive! Oh, Marge.

I never thought you'd see me again.

Where in the world did you find a sled on top of the- [Screams] - [All Gasping] - We're too late.

He's dead.

It looks like someone tried to eat him.

What are you looking at me for? You're all crazy.

Crazy as a- Okay.

Here's what I think happened.

Did you make it to the top, Dad? Huh? Did ya? Why don't you tell me, Son? See any interesting flags up there? All I see is a pole.

Maybe the flag fell off.

Ah, damn it! Forget about it, Homer.

You made it to the top.

You're the coolest dad ever.

Thanks, Bart.

That makes it all won'thwhile.

- Is that your wallet? - D'oh! - [Murmuring] - Shh!