The Simpsons Episode Scripts

5F12 - Dumbbell Indemnity

[Chorus Singing] [Bell Ringing] [Tires Screeching] D'oh! [Screams] Whoa-ho! Texas snowball fight! [Both Laughing] Ow! Bart, that has nuts in it.

Hey, I thought your mother told you to take a bath.

Yeah, Mom says a lot of things.

Oh, I understand, kids.

I'm not a bath man myself.

- More of a cologne man.

- Actually, we can't take a bath anyway.

- The water heater is broken.

- Don't worry.

Daddy will fix it.


[Grunting] Out of my way! She's gonna blow.

What on earth? Hi, sweetie.

I'm off to Moe's.

Love ya.

[Tires Squealing] To Marge and all the blissful years I've spent hiding from her in this bar.

[All] Hear! Hear! Yeah, big deal.

You got a wife.

I got a rash.

Who cares? Uh, I'm sorry, Homer.

It's just- It's been four years since my last date with a whatchacallit - uh, woman.

- Whatever happened to your mail-order bride? Oh, she got homesick for her old life- diving for tourists' pennies in a Micronesian swamp.

- So, her career got in the way.

- Yeah.

I don't blame her.

No girl wants to end up with a Joe Puke-Pail like me.

Now, now, I won't hear of it, Moe.

You're a fabulous catch.

Oh, yeah? Well, uh, how come I ain't fending off movie starlets with a pointy stick? Oh, it's probably due to your ugliness.

But that doesn't mean we can't find you a woman.

Come on.

We're going to the darkest bar in town.

[Disco] [Continues] Uh, I don't know, Homer.

Women can smell panic and, uh, right now, I gotta be reeking of it.


All I smell is garlic and fish.

[Sighs] Uh, you look pretty clean.

You, uh, mind if I have this dance? - It's all yours.

- [Sighs] Okay, I won't lie to you.

A lot of people saw that.

But you gotta keep trying.

[Clears Throat] So, hi there.

- Uh, don't scream.

- Oh, hi.

Want to join me for a Bacardi and soda? Yeah! Yeah, that'd be great.

Or maybe you'd prefer a cool, refreshing Bacardi colada.

- Sure.


- Because Bacardi makes the night come alive with freshness.

Uh, do you work for Bacardi? No.

I'm in love with you.

[Whimpers] Hey, don't give up, Moe.

The girl of your dreams has gotta be in some bar.

Aw, there's nobody for Moe.

I'm just gonna die lonely and ugly and dead.

- [Woman] Well, hello, Mary Sunshine.

- Huh? Aw, cheer up.

Here, have a flower.

All right, come on.

What's the catch? A gorgeous woman don't just hand you a free "daffy-dil.

" Really? You think I'm gorgeous? Yeah, well, the part that's showing.

I guess you could have a lot of weird scars or a fake ass or something.

You don't talk to a lot of women, do you? Well, no-no- Well, no, not a lot.

I've- Gee, I'm sorry.

I used to box, you know.

My brairs- Well, it's kind of in and out.

Oh, that's awful.

And look at your little ears.

Yeah, there's extensive cauliflowering.

Well, your bow tie is just darling.

[Laughing] Oh, well, thanks.

Yeah, it kind of draws the eye away from the old mug.

I like a face with character.

Let's get out of here, Moe.

This is going nowhere.

Yeah, l- Look, I don't suppose you'd ever want to, uh- I don't know- get together sometime? You mean, like a date? Well, I don't know.

Oh, what was I thinking? A beautiful girl like you and a gargoyle like me.

- l-I'm sorry.

- Hold on.

Hold on.

- I didn't say "no" exactly.

- Really? Hot damn! All right, don't eat nothir for the next three days 'cause I'm taking you out for a steak the size of a toilet seat.

Well, when you put it that way- - My name is Renee.

- Who cares? You're goir out with me.

She's going out with me, cat! [Homer] Stop kissir that cat, and get in the car! [Man Singing] [Continues] [Ends] Hey, hey! Sabu! Uh, I need another magnum of your best champagne here, huh? And bring us the finest food you got stuffed with the second finest.

Excellent, sir.

Lobster stuffed with tacos.

[Renee, Moe Laughing] So, Renee, it looks like you've taken quite a shine to Moe.

Do you mind if I ask why? - Marge- - I didn't mean any disrespect.

I just can't figure it out.

Well, to be honest, at first it was just pity.

- Ah.

- Yeah, it's like out of a storybook, ain't it? But he's really grown on me.

- He's got this insecure, sweaty charm.

- Oh, yeah, I got that.

And he's so thoughtful.

Last night he bought all the seats in a movie theater - just so we could have a romantic evening together.

- Yeah, well I just get so tired of idiots shooting their mouths off, laughing and clapping.

Makes you wanna start poking eyes out - and slashing guts and kicking throats.

- It's okay, Moe.

I'm sorry.

It's just I'm so happy I met you.

Uh, excuse me, sir.

Will there be anything else? Uh, yeah.

Park the dessert can't under this beautiful lady's nose and charge it all to my Players Club card.

Ooh, Players Club! Yes, sir! Yeah, I want to send her two dozen roses.

And I want to put something nice on the card, like, um- - Uh, "Renee, my treasure-" - [Laughing] Hey, shut up, or I'll ram a stool down your throat! Uh, no.

No, no.

I don't want that on the card.

Well, let me hear how it sounds.

Nah, nah, take it out.

Take it out.

And charge it to my Players Club card.

Maxed out? [Sighs] Look, I really need these flowers, okay? I got a real tenuous hold on my girlfriend here.

- [Dial Tone] - Hello? Hello? Well, that's it.

It's all over.

Renee ain't gonna want to hang around with noJoe Pinchpenny.

Aw, come on, Moe.

Think of all you have to offer besides money.

I need cash and lots of it.

Um, all right, everybody, I'm calling in your bar tabs.

[Clamoring] You bunch of ungrateful ingrates! You-Aw, Homer, what am I gonna do? Renee's my last chance for true love.

If you really need money, you could sell a kidney or maybe even your car.

Nah, my car ain't won'th nothir.

But it is insured for five grand.

Homer, I need your help.

You gotta steal this car and wreck it for me.

Steal? Oh, no, you got the wrong guy.

- You dropped somethir.

- Come on, Homer.

I'm one of your dearest friends.

When everybody said you were too drunk to drive that time, who gave you your keys? Oh.

You did.

But I still don't know.

I can just imagine what Marge would say.

Homer, I insist you steal that car.

I'll do it! Okay, here's the plan.

This model car represents my car, huh? And this olive is you.

Now- - Mmm! Me.

- Hey, hey! Aw, that's great.

Now the car's gonna have to represent you, and, uh this little toy man will represent the car.

All right, forget it.

Forget it.

Listen up here.

Tomorrow night at 8:00, you go down to the waterfront, and you steal my car.

- What about the cops? - That's the beauty part.

Every cop in towrs gonna be on the police department's Moonlight Charity Cruise and I'm gonna be right there with 'em.

So, as soon as you get back we steal the car, right? Ri- No, no, wrong.


While I'm on the boat with the perfect alibi you steal my car and park it on the railroad tracks.

Then when the 10:15 train comes along-wham! Insurance company pays off 5,000 clams.

I keep showing Renee the sweet life.

You're a genius, Moe.

All your troubles will soon be over for a couple of months.

- Why all the black? - Why all the pearls? Why all the hair? Why anything? You look a little nervous, Dad.

No, you look a little nervous, Lisa.

- You're up to something aren't you? - No! I'm just going out to commit certain deeds.

[Under Breath] Suckers.

Thank you.

Welcome, folks.

Have fun.

Drink responsibly till we're a mile out.

- [Chuckles] - Uh, scuse me there, Officer.

You see my car there with the rubber hippie daisy, space 7 A? - Uh, yeah.

What about it? - I was just thinking what a good parking job I did with it.

Yeah, hey, that is nice.

Hey, Lou! Lou, check out that park job in 7 A.


That's sweet.

[Giggles] I'm going to be the best car thief ever.

Hey! Oh, no, you don't! - [Grunts] - [Groans] Ow.

[Laughs] He thought he was gonna steal- D'oh! [Homer Singing] They're showing Hail to the Chimp! I have time to see one little movie.

[Man] Mr.

President, your welfare proposal is nothing but a lot of technical jargon and partisan rhetoric and- - [Shrieking] - [Screaming] Get off me, Mr.

President! [Laughs] That's what you get for not hailing to the chimp.

Moe, you seem awfully distracted tonight.

- And you're sweating a lot, even for you.

- Am I? Huh.

Hadrt noticed.

Whoo-ah! [Renee] Isn't it a beautiful moon tonight? Huh? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

- I'll look up with you in one minute.

- [Train Whistle Blows] The train.

You hear that? That's the train! Isn't that the most beautiful sound you ever heard? It's almost as sweet as your voice.

Aw! - [Train Approaching] - Huh? Oh, no.

The train! D'oh! I gotta find another way to wreck Moe's car.

Oh, honey, this whole evening was so wonderful.

Except when that drunken cop started firing at those seagulls.

- [Seagull Cawing] - Ah! Get 'em off! Yeah.

Yeah, the plan went off without a hitch.

- What plan? - The what? The-The wonderful evening plan.

Hey, Moe.

Isn't that your car up there with the rubber hippie daisy the one that was parked in 7 A? Hey! Hey, what's it doing there? It was supposed to be on the railroad tracks.

No, I mean, the parking lot.

- Homer, you moron.

- Homer, you genius! [Chuckles] Geronimo! [Grunting] Huh? [Screaming] [Whimpering] [Gasps, Sighs] [Screaming] [Sighs] [Screaming] [Screams] Huh.

Well, that car thief can't hold his breath forever.

- And if he can, Chief? - Then God help us all.

[Guns Cocking] - Isn't that your friend Homer? - Uh, oh, oh! Homer! Oh, how could you? You're under arrest, Simpson, for grand theft auto.

- Now put up your hands.

- [Whimpers] Brilliant! Brilliant! Okay, let's do another but this time, try to look scarier.

Kind of like- [Growls] - Grr.

- Gorgeous! Gorgeous, baby.

That's it.

That's it.

Your fingerprints are just like snowflakes.

They're both very pretty.

[Lou] Simpson! You have visitors.

Homer, did you really steal a car? Whoa! Hang on a minute.

The guard said I had visitors coming.

Dad, we're the visitors.



Oh! Oh, great.

Listen, I know it looks bad, but all I can tell you is I destroyed that car for all the right reasons.

I'd like to believe you- That's my girl.

You just go home and don't worry your pretty blue head about it.

Moe will take care of everything.

Well, in the meantime, here's a can'ton of smokes you can use to buy stuff.

Aw, thanks, boy.

- I'll give you two packs for that candy bar.

- Three.

- Why, you little- - Guard! Guard! [Snoring] [Moe] Rsst! Homer.

Homer, wake up.

Moe! Oh, Moe, thank God you're here! Yeah, congratulations, Homer.

The plan worked perfectly.

- But I'm in jail.

- Yeah.

Yeah, that's a- - That's a kick in the pants.

- Moe, you gotta get me out of here.

Tell the cops I didn't steal the car.

Say you lent it to me.

Yeah, I wish I could, Homer.

But if I change my story they're gonna throw me in here.

But, Moe, we're best friends.

Oh, cripes, the puppy dog look.

[Sighs] All right, all right.

I'll use the money to bail you out.

Hurry, Moe.

At 3:00, they're gonna put us in the exercise yard.

The exercise yard! Is everything okay, honey? Your shirt is so dry.

Yeah, yeah, I'm okay.

There's just somethir I got to do.

Oh, look at that.


Oh! - That looks so romantic.

- [Ukulele] Well, if Hawaii's what my baby wants Hawaii's what my baby gets.

Oh, no.

That's too expensive.

Let's just get a can of poi and eat it in the tub.

Nah, nah, nah.

We're going for the real thing.

First class all the way.

Come on.

We can leave tonight.

[Groans] Ten minutes till fresh air and exercise.

[Gasps] Hurry up, Moe.

For the love of God, hurry up! Hawaii, here we come.

[Singing in Hawaiian] - [Chuckles] - Hawaii? What about Hawaii? Moe? Who's going to Hawaii? - Am I going to Hawaii? - [Clanging] Stop saying "Hawaii" in there.

Let me out! I'm innocent! I changed my mind! I don't want to be in here anymore! Forget it, Simpson.

You're going to the chair.

- [Gasps] - The interrogation chair.

- [Sighs] - Rlug it in, boys.

- [Sighs] - Rlug it in, boys.



Beach pistol.

Scandalously revealing thong.

- [Homer] Going somewhere? - Wha- [Gasps] Homer! Moe! You killed me! Hey, n-no.

No, y-you ain't dead.

Y-Y-You're just in jail.

Oh, right.

Wait a second! I'm in jail because of you.

You were my friend, and you betrayed me! Oh, my God.

He's right.

Oh! How could I treat a friend that way? Exactly.

Exactly! [Slurping] Hey! Get your mouth off of that! - [Renee] You yelling at me, Moe-Moe? - Huh? No.

No, no, no.

It's just that, um- [Sighs] Renee, there's something I gotta tell you.

Oh, no.

You're gay, aren't you? Oh, boy, Renee, you sure can pick 'em.

- Nah, it ain't that.

- What, so you're married? No, no.

l- Hey, why did you say gay first? [Mumbles] I don't know.

Would you care for some reading material? Hmm.

This could be useful.

[Grunts] So, like a coward, I let Homer take the rap for the whole scam.

And now the only way to clear him is to turn myself in.

l- I don't know what to say.

I'm shocked.

I mean, you broke the law and betrayed a friend.

Yeah, you're right.

You shouldn't be wasting your time with a lowlife like me.

Moe, don't say that.

You made a mistake.

But at least you're trying to set things straight.

Yeah, that's true.

That's true, baby.

It'll be hell being locked away from you but I guess I gotta take my medicine.

Unless- Unless I send a letter to the police clearing Homer.

- Yeah? - Then we go to the graveyard and steal two corpses.

- Oh, my God.

- We switch clothes with 'em and leave them in the bar.

Then we pour some brandy around, like so.

- Yeah, would you hand me my keys? - Uh, yeah.

Here you go.

Then we light a match.

And fwoof! We start a new life in Hawaii.

- Good-bye, Moe.

- Where you going, baby? - You going to find the corpses? - Yes, Moe, I'm going to find corpses.

Uh, well, you want me to come with? Renee? Dearest? [Sighs] She ain't coming back.

Ah-Ah- Ow.


Must kill Moe.

Wheeeee! Must kill Moe.

Wheeeee! [Door Opens] - You! - Homer, thank God.

You gotta help me here.

Oh, I'll help you.

Help you die! Waaah! All right, that's it.

You're goir down, pal.

[Both Coughing] Oh, boy.

Oh! I really wanna sleep.

I also sleep.

Good night, Mommy.

Moe! Homer! Aaah! The booze! [Wheezing, Coughing] [Groans] Oh, Homer, I've been the world's biggest rat.

Can you ever forgive me? Oh, I could never stay mad at you, Moe.

After all, you get me drunk.

[Moe] Aw! Oh, my poor bar.

- It's all gone.

- Aw, Moe, Moe.

Moe, dry those beady little eyes.

Your buddy Homer'll get you back on your feet.

[Man Singing] Moe, another beer down here.

Comir right up! Hey, there's a balloon machine in the bathroom.

Kids, from now on, I don't want you touching anything in our house.

Dart! - Woo-hoo! - Yeah! Nice shot, Homer! [Ends] - [Murmuring] - Shh!