The Simpsons Episode Scripts

5F11 - Das Bus

[Chorus Singing] [Tires Screeching] D'oh! [Screams] [Frog Croaks] [Thunderclap] [Male Voice] Noah, thou shalt build'st thyself an ark measuring 300 cubits in length.

- [Thunderclap] - Exactly 300! And thou shalt takest two of every creature- Two creatures.

- [Thunderclap] - Two of every creature! - Even stink beetles? - Especially stink beetles.

[Thunderclap] Whoa, cool! God is so "in your face.

" - Yeah.

He's my favorite fictional character.

- Ooh.

It's so late.

You kids have to go to bed.

But the flood's only knee high.

- At least let us watch till the midgets drown.

- Yeah, Mom.

Come on.

You let us stay up to watch Troy McClure in such other Bible epics as David Versus Super-Goliath and Suddenly, Last Supper.

Go, Lise.

Way to cite precedent.

Oh, all right.

You can stay up late tonight - but tomorrow everyone's going to bed at 5:00.

- Whoo-hoo! Aw.

Those poor badgers are soaked.


God looks like he has something important to say.

[God] Go forth, Noah.

And remember the key to salvation is- You've seen the movie.

Now meet a real-life Noah.

Only this Noah has been accused of killing two of every animal.

Coming up next on A.



[Gasps] Oh, my goodness.

That was a long movie.

It's time for school.

Let's go! Let's go! Uh, can't make it in today, Mr.


I have smallpox.

Well, it wasrt wiped out in my house! Okay, delegates.

You leave tomorrow for the statewide Model U.

N so this is our last chance to bone up.

And bone we will.

[All Laughing] - Lighten up, Lise.

- Finland, let's see that native dance.

- [Humming] - Smile more.

Work that pelvis.

No, too much smile.

Sit down.

Roland, tell us about your natiors achievements.

Well, uh, I heard they sent a rocket to the sun once- at night.

And there was that submarine with the screen doors.

No, no, no, no, no.

Young man, you need to do some serious boning.

Oh, grow up, Lise.

- Okay, Libya.


- Yes, sir, you American pig.

[Laughs] Nice touch.

Uh- [Clears Throat] Let's see.

Uh the exports of Libya are numerous in amount.

One thing they export is corn.

Or, as the Indians call it, maize.

Another famous Indian was Crazy Horse.

In conclusion, Libya is a land of contrasts.

Thank you.


I can't breathe.

- Please stop him.

- Oh, I'd like to, but I'm afraid he has diplomatic immunity.

Point of order.

If we want to learn anything, we must respect- - Point of"odor.

" Lisa stinks.

- [All Laughing] - Hey.

Leave her alone.

- You leave her alone.

- [All Shouting] - You're the one who started it! - [Shouting] - [Singing] Order.


Do you kids want to be like the real U.

N or do you just want to squabble and waste time? Have a great weekend, kids.

Be nice to the underprivileged countries.

Good luck, Ralphy.

If your nose starts bleeding, it means you're picking it too much.

Or not enough.

Okay, kids.

Otto's in charge.

Remember, Otto.

We're trusting you with our greatest natural resource: the school bus.

"Water bill, third notice.

" "Jury duty, third notice.

" "Mortgage bill-" Ooh.

"Second notice.

" "Flancrest Enterprises"? Oops.

[Chuckles] That's for me.

Flancrest Enterprises is my home business.

You liar.

You don't have a home business.

Why would you make up a lie like that? No.

It's true.

Maude and I sell religious hook rugs over the Internet.

- Internet, eh? - Yes, indeedy.

Making some good scratch too.

- Scratch, eh? - Yep.

Maude, eh? [Whistling] - Homer, what are you doing? - No time to answer that, Marge.

I'm setting up a home office for my new business enterprise.

What business enterprise? Ever heard of a little thing called the Internet? Internet, eh? Oh, yeah.

Everybody's making money off the Internet except us.

We've fallen behind.

Way behind.

- Is that my good butter? - Can't discuss that now, Marge.

I have to write another delicious memo.



[Children Singing] Oh, this song is driving me crazy.

[Tape Fast-Forwarding] [Headphones: Children Singing] - [Clicks] - Man, I don't know why I bought this stupid tape.

[Grunts] Hey, Simpson.

Race ya.

- First one to the front of the bus gets Martirs lunch money.

- What? - Go apple! - Go orange! Go banana! [All Shouting] Make way for grapefruit.

Go grapefruit! [All Shouting] [Gasps] What the- It burns! I can't see! [All Shouting] Stay calm, kids.

I need you to be my eyes.

- [All Shouting] - Okay.

Which way should I turn? [Squawking] [Children Shouting] [Squawking] [Shouting] [All Shouting] Go banana! Just hang tight, kids.

I'll swim for help.

What the- [Groans] Zeppelin rules! Zeppelin rules! [Children Groaning] - [Gasping] - I guess this is the end, Wendell.

- He's Wendell.

I'm Lewis.

- Whatever.

Just tell Wendell I said bye.

[All Screaming] Somebody help me! I think I'm getting swimmer's ear! [Gasps] [Reverse Indicator Beeping] [All Groaning] [Sobbing] This is all Lisa's fault.

She started the stupid U.



Hey! Martin seconded the motion.

It's entirely his fault.

People, people.

Let's not blame each other.

- We all know this is Milhouse's fault.

- Huh? Yeah! You and your stupid grapefruit almost got us killed! [All Shouting] [Horn Blows] What's everyone's problem? I'm glad we're stranded.

It'll be just like The Swiss Family Robinson, only with more cursing.

We're gonna live like kings.

Damn, hell, as kings.

Yahoo! [Chittering] And every night the monkey butlers will regale us with jungle stories.

How many monkey butlers will there be? One at first, but he'll train others.

- Cool! - Yeah! Good.

Let's get to work.

Me and Nelson will build the tree house.

Martin, draw up plans for a coconut radio and, if possible, a coconut Nintendo system.

- What about the rest of us? - You guys gather food for the big feast tonight.

And maybe a little wine for the older kids.

- Delicious wine? - Exactly.

[Groans] Oh.

What am I gonna call my Internet company? All the good names are taken.

Oh, wait.

I've got it.

Flancrest Enterprises.

- D'oh! - What exactly is it your company does again? This industry moves so fast, it's really hard to tell.

That's why I need a name that's cutting edge like CUTCO or Edgecom.


Come on, Marge.

You're good at these.

Help me out.

How about CompuGlobalHyperMeganet? Fine.

It's not important.

What really matters is my title.

I think I'll make myself vice president.

No, wait.

Junior vice president.

[Rhone Rings] CompuGlobalHyperMeganet.

Junior vice president Homer Simpson speaking.

How may I direct your call? It's Patty.

[Horn Blows] Food patrol, we're all starved.

Let's see what you've got.

That's it? What happened to all the lobsters mangoes and chewy, chewy cocoa beans? All we found were these oozing berries.

And they look pretty poisonous.

I "eated" the purple berries.


[Groans] [Groaning] How are they, Ralph? - Good? - They taste like burning.


Food patrol blew it.

Yeah? Well, your tree house looks kinda crummy too.

Kinda really crummy.

[Bart] Well, when monsoon season comes, you'll be glad it's there.

[Groans] No food, no shelter, no monkey butlers.

This island is a death hole.

We should've just swum for it like Otto.

[Groaning] Well, I'm done for.

[Groans] At least I'll leave a beautiful corpse.

Whoa! Oh! Thank the good dude, I'm saved! - And we can go back for the kids too.

- Hmm.

[Speaking Foreign Language] I think I'm gonna like it on this boat.

Run for your lives! Monster! - Monster! - [All Screaming] - [Whimpers] - [Panting] There's no monster, you big scaredy.

[Singsongy] Scaredy got scared! Well, you'd be scared too if you saw a monster.

- Nuh-uh.

- Uh-huh.

- Unlikely.

- Likely.

Knock it off.

We gotta find a way to light a fire.

No problem.

We can use scaredy's glasses.


What's he doir? What's that sound? There you go.

Good as new.

What's good as new? Who's talking? I'm so hungry I could eat at Arby's.

- Oh, my gosh! - Oh, wow! - She really is hungry.

- [Lisa] She's really hungry.

- [Growling] - It's the monster! No, it's not.

It's my tummy.

I mean stomach.


Crap factory.

Wait a minute.

We had a cooler full of snacks on the bus.

Hey, yeah.

And I think I know how I can get it.

Hey! I need that to live.

[Grunts] [Screams] [Cackles] Oh! Does anyone here like food? [All Cheering] Stop! We may have to live on this food for a long time.

So no more till tomorrow.

- But I'm hungry now.

- Yeah.

- Me too.

- Yeah.

Who put the duchess of dork in charge? No one, but if we're gonna survive, we need rules and order.

Let's not forget what we learned in the U.



- [Humming] - Not now, Martin.

[Seagulls Squawking] [Sizzling] - Who wants rations? - [All] Me! Me! Mmm! - I'm so hungry I could puke.

- [All Gasp] Where'd all the food go? Mornir.

Is it time to eat? Looks like you already did.

- What are you talkir about? - You ate our food! Thanks a lot, Milhouse.

Now we're all gonna die because of you.

But I swear I didn't do it! [Burps] [Sniffs] Nacho cheese.

Get him! You wouldn't dare hurt me.

You forget that I have the glasses.

Yoink! Well, now that you've got everything you need, I'll just, you know get out of your hair.

Not so fast, two eyes! Come on.

Let's slice him open and get our food back.

Wait! We're not savages.

We live in a society of law.

Milhouse has the right to a fair trial.

[All Groaning] Society blows.

[Typing] Oh, Captain Janeway.

Mmm! Lace: The Final Brassiere.

Oh, hurry up.

I'm a busy man.

[Slurping] [Groans] This high-speed modem is intolerably slow.


What the- Huh.

The Internet King.

I wonder ifhe can provide faster nudity.

Welcome to the Internet, my friend.

How can I help you? I'm interested in upgrading my 28.

8 kilobaud Internet connection to a 1.

5 megabit fiber-optic T1 line.

Will you be able to provide an I.


router that's compatible with my token ring Ethernet LAN configuration? Can I have some money now? Uh, is this cage really necessary? No talking in the cage.

Court is now in session.

All rise.

- Ha, ha.

Made you rise.

- Your Honor the defense calls its first and only witness: Milhouse Van Houten.

- Oh, wow! I can't believe it.

- [Chattering] Milhouse, did you steal the food? Nuh-uh.

No way.

Could anyone else have taken it? Well, I guess you could have.

Milhouse, I am defending you.



I'm just saying, it was either you or the monster.

Monster? [Scoffs] Oh, please.

I remind you.

We are not here to debate the existence of monsters.

[All Grumbling] The defense has just one more question.

Did any one of you actually see Milhouse eat the food? - I rest my case.

- Prosecutor, your witness.

You liar! You did it, you lying jerk! Take that! You did it! Objection! He's not asking any questions.


I'm gonna allow this.

- [Grunting] - Ow.



Prosecution rests.

After careful deliberation it's my opinion that Milhouse probably did eat the food but since there's no proof, I must find him not guilty.

- All right! - [All Grumbling] But he ate our food! - The law has spoken.

- Ah, sucks to the law.

[Grunts] [Groans] Stop! Leave Milhouse alone.

Help me out here, Bart.

I don't know, Lise.

To be honest, that verdict made me pretty angry.

Bart's with us, law girl.

Step aside.

- [Groans] - Hey, man.

Leave my sister alone! Oh, so you're one of them.

So be it.

Kill the dorks! - Bash their butts! - Kick their shins! [Together] Kill the dorks! Bash their butts! Run away! The hunt is on.

Oh, they have the Internet on computers now.

Homer, Bill Gates is here.

Bill Gates? Billionaire computer nerd Bill Gates? Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Get out of sight, Marge.

- I don't want this to look like a two-bit operation.

- [Groans] - Mr.

Simpson? - You don't look so rich.

Don't let the haircut fool you.

I'm exceedingly wealthy.

Get a load of the bowl job, Marge.

Your Internet ad was brought to my attention but I can't figure out what, if anything, CompuGlobalHyperMeganet does.

So, rather than risk competing with you, I've decided simply to buy you out.

This is it, Marge.

I poured my heart and soul into this business and now it's finally paying off.

We're rich! Richer than astronauts! Homer, quiet! You'll queer the deal.



I reluctantly accept your proposal.

Well, everyone always does.

- Buy him out, boys.

- [Chuckles] Yeah.

- [Grunts] - Hey.

What the hell's going on? Oh, I didn't get rich by writing a lot of checks.

[Cackling] [Whooping] - [All Whooping] - Meow.

[Whooping Continues] [All Panting] [Groans] I can't go on.

You two go ahead.

And carry me with you.

- [Groans] - Oh, come on, man.

Hurry! They're catching up! Here, Milhouse.

You go first.


Now throw the vine back.

- There's no time.

- [Gasps] [Whooping] [Grunts] Look.

We can hide in that cave.

[All Panting] [Lisa] We should be safe in here.

[Nelson] They're trapped in the cave.

Move in for the kill.

Oh, figs.

[Whooping] Stop! You are in violation of the Model U.


charter! Uh, that's right.

The U.


doesn't look too kindly on- - The monster! - [Growls] [All Screaming] Your monster appears to be nothing but a run-of-the-mill wild boar.


Look at his tusk.

So the boar ate our food.


Sorry about that whole trying to kill you thing.


Well, you should be! I only stole two sandwiches and a bag of Doritos.


If a boar can survive here, there must be a source of food.


He's licking the slime off that rock.

That's what he's been eating.

Slime! And there's enough slime for all of us.

We're saved! All that slime made this boar extra tender.

More snout anyone? Mmm! Mmm! How's your dinner, Lise? Ah, shut up.


[Man Narrating] So the children learned to function as a society.

And eventually, they were rescued by oh, let's say Moe.

- [Murmuring] - Shh!