The Simpsons Episode Scripts

5F23 - The Joy of Sect

[Chorus Singing] [Bell Ringing] [Tires Screeching] D'oh! [Screams] [Homer Screams] - [Crash] - Thanks for letting me skip school to see the team come back from the championship, Dad.

I always say, a boy can learn more at an airport than he can at any school.


I need to see your claim checks for that luggage.

Oh, of course.

I have it right here.

[Groans] I'll need to see yours too.

- You got it! - [Groans] I'll take your word for it.

- You're just doing your job.

- [All Laughing] - Do you have anything by Robert Ludlum? - Get out.

Look at the outrageous markup.

You magnificent bastard.

I salute you! I just got a bunch of fruity Easter eggs.

Ew! Another liver transplant.

Oh, no.

Not again! You're not gettir away that easy, little fella.

Have you heard of Krishna consciousness? This, Bart, is a crazy man.

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.


That'll work.

A new and better life awaits you on our distant home planet, Blisstonia.


Makes sense.

We're having a free get-acquainted session at our resort this weekend.

How much is this free resort weekend? - It's free.

- And when is this weekend? - It's this weekend.

- Uh-huh.

And how much does it cost? - Um, it's free.

- I see.

And when is it? - It's this weekend.

- And what are you charging for this free weekend? - Come on, Dad.

The team's arriving.

- It's free, right? Hey.


There's a big crowd to welcome us back, even though we lost.

Hey, I'll give you somethir to cry about, you loser.

You can't catch a football? Let's see if you can catch a rock.

[All Shouting] I've never heard of these Movementarians.

- Are they some kind of church? - Who cares what it is? The point is these are some decent, generous people that I can take advantage of.

- But what if they try to talk us into something? - Marge, Marge, Marge.

Remember when those smooth-talking guys tried to sell me a time-share vacation condo? - You bought four of them.

Thank God the check bounced.

- So I beat the system.

Watch yourself, Dad.

You're the highly suggestible type.

Yes, I am the highly suggestible type.

[Together] Welcome, brother.

Out of my way, jerk-ass! [Singing] [Continues] - Hi, how are y- - [Ends] It certainly is a beautiful day.

We should thank the Leader.

- Who the hell is that? Some kind of leader? - Yes.

He's the head of our perfect family.

And when our galactic vehicle is complete, he will take us to our new home: Blisstonia.

Why don't you come chat with us about the Leader at the welcome center? - Will there be beer? - Beer is not allowed.

Homer no function beer well without.

Would you rather have beer or complete and utter contentment? What kind of beer? The Leader knows how miserable you, Marge, Lisa, Bart and Maggie are.

Really? I'm surprised about Maggie.

Just come up and watch our orientation film.

You're free to leave at any time.

Wow! A free movie! Thanks! Out of my way, jerk-ass! [TV: Fanfare] [Man On TV] Once we collect enough money for fuel our leader will throw open the doors of the forbidden barn where we will all board our intergalactic vehicle- rows one through 30 first.

Upon our arrival, we will begin our new, perfect lives on Blisstonia well-known for its high levels ofbliss.

I don't know about you, but they're not exactly winning me over with these lousy production values here.

I'm gonna slip out.

[Man On Speaker] You're free to leave whenever you want, but would you mind telling us why? Oh, I just didn't, uh- I didn't think, um- Oh, it's- it's pretty good.

Man, this whole place puffs of the wacky-tabbacky.

I'm out of here.

Going somewhere? Uh, though you're free to do so.

Uh- [Chuckles Nervously] No.

Just rearranging my underwear.


There it is.

[Man On TV] When you surrender yourself to the Movementarians you are guaranteed a perfect life of serenity, love and loving serenity.

- Not a guarantee.

- Loving serenity.

It's about damn time! - I love the Leader.

- The Leader is perfect.


I'm confused about the movie.

So the cops knew that Internal Affairs was setting them up? What are you talking about? There's nothing like that in there.

You see, when I get bored I make up my own movie.

I have a very short attention span.

- But our point is very simple.

You see, when- - Oh, look! A bird! - [Chirping] - [Giggling] The circle of judgment never fails to destroy their self-esteem.

Then he'll be ours to mold.

Let the judgment begin.

I'll get the ball rolling.

- You're a fat idiot.

- Yeah! Lose some weight! - Hey, man.

You're fat.

- Fatso.

- Moron.

- [All Chattering] - [Otto] Fat too.

- Well, yeah.

I guess I could lose a few pounds.

And I can be kind of thick sometimes.

[Chuckles] You've failed at everything you've ever tried.


You've got my number on that one, buddy.

This is a smart group.

And your stink brings tears to my eyes.

Now wait a minute, Moe.

[Sniffs] - Oh.

My mistake.

- [Both Sigh] Why isn't our low-protein gruel wearing down his resistance like all the others? It doesn't wear down your resistance if you eat a month's supply.

He even ate mine.

[Groaning] - You gonna finish that, bony? - Oh, "griven"- Let's try the chant.

Everyone loves a droning, repetitive chant.

Attention, everyone.

Let's all give thanks to the Leader for this glorious day.

[Chanting] The Leader is good.

The Leader is great.

We surrender our will as of this date.

The Leader is good.

The Leader is great.

We surrender our will as of this date.

It's no use.

He's obviously the most powerful mind we've ever dealt with.

Or- [Singing] [Singing] - [Continues] - [Singing] I mean- [Sings] I love the Leader.

- [Marge] You what? - Come again, Marge? - You what? - I've joined the Movementarians.

And so have all of you.

- [Marge] We what? - All I had to give them was our life savings, the deed to the house and a commitment of 10 trillion years of labor.

I can't go along with this, Homer.

Marge, when I join an underground cult, I expect a little support from my family.

Dad, do you think you might have been brainwashed? I have not been brainwashed.

Kill the girl.

Kill the girl.

- Homer! - What? What did I say? Church, cult.

Cult, church.

So we get bored someplace else every Sunday.

- Does this really change our day-to-day lives? - Of course not- except that we're all moving to the Movementarian agricultural compound - to be near the Leader and serve him.

- I'm not leaving my home.

- [Door Opens] - [Chuckles] Oh, yes, you are.

I'm afraid it's our home now.

This house will become the new local welcome center for this district.

And it didn't cost us a dime.

Springfield has been overrun by a strange and almost certainly evil sect calling themselves "the Movementarians.

" In exchange for your home and all your money the leader of this way-out and wrong religion claims he'll take believers away on his spaceship to the planet Blisstonia.

Excuse my editorial laugh.

[Laughs] But- Ladies and gentlemen, I've just learned of a change in this statiors management.

Welcome, Movementarians.

Continue to improve our lives.

I love you, perfect Leader, and new C.



of KBBL Broadcasting.

I love you, perfect Leader, and new C.



of KBBL Broadcasting.

Homer Simpson, your family will be housed here for the first 100,000 years.

- Then something might open up in a double.

- [Chuckles] Why even unpack? - [Groans] - Dad and all these other people are obviously the products of mental conditioning.


Maybe it'll wear off, like his interest in C.



That's a negatory, good buddy! I kind of think it's cool.

Just pretend you're in a zombie movie.

Besides, this is just another place for me to wreak my special brand of hysterical havoc.

These rubes in robes haven't met the likes of Bart Simpson before.

[Cackles] I love the Leader.

Of course you do.

This so-called "new religion" is nothing but a pack of weird rituals and chants designed to take away the money of fools.

Let us say the Lord's Prayer 40 times, but first let's pass the collection plate.

[Chuckles Nervously] Looks like slim pickings today, Reverend.

Oh, Lord.

Uh, try the emergency plate, Ned.

- I don't think that's gonna do it.

- Um- See, Marge? Our lives are so much better now.

You two, stop talking and resume the lima bean harvest.

When we got married, you promised me my harvesting days were over.

- [All Murmuring] - [Man] What's going on? - Whoa.

- What's goir on? Look! The forbidden barn opens.

- [All Gasping] - [Woman] He's coming! [All Chattering] Oh, boy.

We get to see the Leader pass by.

We toil in the fields, and he rides around in a Rolls-Royce? Yes, it would be nice if he'd buy American, but what are you gonna do? I'm covered in the dust of the Leader.

He favors me! I am even dustier.

Dustier than thou! Oh, look who the new pet is.

I've never been so happy.

Smithers, why haven't I heard of this "the Leader"? He's as rich and wicked as I, but he seems to enjoy tax-exempt status.

[Chuckles] Actually, sir, with our creative bookkeeping and corporate loopholes, we only pay three dollars a year.

[Gasps] You're right.

We're getting screwed.

There must be something I can do about this.



I think I know just the thing.

[Cackling] Uh, sir? You have to tell me what your plan is, or- or nothing will happen.

Oh, yes.

Of course.

The plan.

- You see me as a god, right, Smithers? - Absolutely, sir.

- You'd kneel before me.

- Boy, would I! Yes.

Uh, then I'll form my own religion with its own symbol.

We'll use this special "K.

" I believe that's already a breakfast cereal, sir.

- And people worship it? - In a way.

All right then.

Uh, how about this? Uh, why don't you leave the symbol to me, sir? Ladies and gentlemen, behold your new god Mr.


- [All Gasp] - Ahoy-hoy, lowly mortals.

In addition to working for me, you may now praise me as your Almighty.

Amen, sir.

Mmm! [Groaning] [Screams] Uh, we'll try this again tomorrow.

Ah, he's all right.

But he's no bowl of Special "K.

" This is ridiculous.

We're already married.

But, Marge, we're not mass married.

At least you got to choose your mate.

We got matched up on the printout.

- Hey.

Remember our agreement.

I'm the man.

- You're the man! - I could have done a lot worse, Mother.

- Speak for yourself.

So, do you enjoy comic books? And who can tell me where thunder and lightning come from? Yes, Bart? The Leader, ma'am.

Very good, Bart.

And who invented Morse code? Oh.

I should know this one.

The-The Leader? Ah.

Correct again.

He's wrong! You're wrong! The whole damn system is wrong! [Screams] What's the matter, Lisa? You used to be such a good student.

Don't you want to please your teachers and get good grades? [Sighs] Grades? [Singing] [Ends] These lima beans are even better than the ones we had for breakfast and lunch.

Oh! A lima bean that looks just like the Leader! - I'll put it with the others.

- Homer you know I always try to put the best face on everything but there's no face on that damn bean! We hate it here! And your family wants to leave.

[Bart & Lisa] No, we don't, Mother.

We love the Leader.

No! All righty.

Time for bed.

I'm leaving this place, and you'd better step aside.

Lady, people are free to go whenever they wish.

- [Growling] - [Barking] Hi-yah! [Barking] [Screaming] Oh.

I never thought I'd have to do this again.

[Panting] Reverend Lovejoy! [Coughs] You've gotta help me.

My entire family has been taken in by the evil Movementarians.

Oh, I feel for you, my child, and I'd like to help you.

[Clears Throat] [Groans] - [Clinks] - Now, how are we going to get my Homie back? - [Scraping] - I'll kidnap him for 50 deprogram him for 100, and I'll kill him for 500.

No, no, no.

Just the first two.

All right.

I'll throw in the killir for free.

- [Vehicle Approaching] - [Together] Yea! Here comes the Leader! What an honor.

We've been called into the presence of- Marge? You're the Leader? You don't look anything like the beans.

- Knock him out, Reverend! - Ow! Ooh! - Ow! - Oh, the devil has given him superhuman strength.

Give me that, you noodle-armed choir boy! - Ow! - Well, that didn't do it, Mr.



Let's the three of us try it together.

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Oh! Ooh! Why? Oh, you're gonna break like matchsticks.

I promise you that! Hey.

I made some Rice Krispie squares for our hungry deprogrammerinos.

Aw, man! You ruined the atmosphere, ya daft pansy! Well, this is my rumpus room.

Ach! Don't call it that! Outsiders have kidnapped some of our property.

We must respond with our deadliest weapon.

The lawyers.

- [Bell Ringing] - Go! Go! Go! [Chattering] [Siren Wailing] Attention, all citizens.

- Even though the Leader himself is completely nonviolent- - [Sirens Wailing] he urges you to be as violent as you like in capturing the Simpsons.

- [Sirens Stop] - [Tires Screech] [Chattering] What are you doing? They're not here, you idiots! Idiots? That's slander, sir, and we have it on tape.

All right.

I'll get out my checkbook.

[Grumbles] - What was that? - Ah, I said- [Grumbles] So, you kids really love the Leader, huh? Even more than your parents? - Yeah.

No contest.

- Of course.


All right already.

But do you love the Leader more than having your very own brand-new hover bikes? - [Humming] - [Both Gasp] What do you have to say about the Leader now, huh? Huh? - What Leader? - The hell with him.

He can taking a flying leap.

- And who do you love now? - [Together] Hover bikes! [Groans] Close enough.

[Both] Yea! - [All Groan] - [Laughs] Sorry, kids.

There's no such thing as hover bikes.

They're just a couple of Huffys on a fishing line.

- But we heard them hovering.

- Oh, I'm afraid I played a dirty part in this little charade.

[Humming] - Well, can we at least keep the bikes? - Oh, no.

No, no.

No, no, no.

They're due back at the store by 6:00.

Get off'em.

Get off.


Get off.

All right.

Now, what's so all-fire great about your fancy-pants Leader? The Leader knows all and sees all.


Well, that is impressive.

And he's going to take us to a wonderful new planet.

Oh, this Leader- He sounds like a grand fella.

Willie, I'm not sure we're making any headway here.

Would you shut up, woman.

He's talking about my leader.

Uh, maybe we should take a little break-a-rooney, huh? Anyone like a draft beer? Beer? [Salivating] Would you like a tall, frosty one, Homer? [Thinking] No.

Must resist temptation.

[Thinking] Go ahead.

Give in.

Beer! Beer! [Thinking] Ooh.

These cotton-poly blends are so comfortable.

Go on, Homer.

Our commandments clearly state that beer is all right.

Try some.

[Chattering] - This man is coming with us.

- Homer, you don't have to go with them.

But I want to go.

Well, I would say the matter is settled.

You know, I pride myself on being a good host, so I'm obliged to offer you a beer but I'm so darn mad it's gonna be mostly head.

Homer, come back! - That's my husband! - He's our husband now.

[All] Yea! I'm glad I'm back because the moment that sweet, sweet beer hit my tongue I was born again! - [Both Gasp] - Hallelujah! Now I can show all of you what I've come to realize.

The reason we're not allowed in the forbidden barn is because there is no intergalactic spaceship.

He's taken our money just so he can build one hell of a spaceship! - [All Gasping] - [Leader On Speaker] Homer Simpson because of your lack of faith, you've ruined mankind's chance for salvation.

- Whoops.

- Nice goir there, Homer.

Oh, my gosh.

Maybe he was telling the truth about everything.

Oh, mercy.

He's the real deal! [Humming] [All Groan] Come back.

Come back! Willie still loves ya, O Great One! Stranger, you're a-trespassir on my dirt farm.

Uh, do you happen to need a messiah? No, but I'll take them sacks of money from ya.

[Groans] I should have stayed with the Promise Keepers.

Damn it! It fell apart like everything else I've ever believed in.

Oh, I guess it's back to good old-fashioned voodoo.

Wow! I need a drink! Come with me.

Uh, is that your collar, Reverend? Uh, yes.

[Chuckles] How did that get down there? Come back to papa, baby.

To think, I turned to a cult for mindless happiness - when I had beer all along.

- [Clears Throat] And you, Marge, the bringer of beer.

- It's wonderful to think for ourselves again.

- You said it, Sister.

[Man Announcing] You are watching Fox.

[Together] We are watching Fox.

- [Murmuring] - Shh!