Here is a great collection of Simpsons Scripts . My grand momma loves to read these on the potty.
The Simpsons Episode Scripts
5F24 - All Singing, All Dancing
Did you get Waiting to Exhale? Well, they put us on the Waiting to Exhale waiting list but they said don't hold your breath.
Did you get Emma? Did you get Emma? - Did ya, did ya, did ya, huh? - Whoa, whoa.
Calm down, little lady.
Take it easy.
Take it easy.
- [Chuckles] No.
- What did you get? Something very close, exactly along those lines.
- A Clint Eastwood, Lee Marvin shoot-'em-up western! - [Both Groaning] So prepare yourself for the bloody mayhem and unoly carnage ofJoshua Logars Raint Your Wagon.
With blood, I bet.
[Both Laughing] [Whinnies] Hey! That's a pretty sorry lookir wagon you got there, mister.
I reckon it could use a coat of paint.
Well, what are we waitir for? [Country] [Singing] [All Singing] [Continues] [Shrieks] They're singing! They're singing, Marge.
Why aren't they killing each other? Yeah, their guns are right there.
Wait, wait, wait.
Here comes Lee Marvin.
He's always drunk and violent.
Uh, what the hell is goir on in my town? We're just paintir this wagon.
You got a problem with that? As a matter of fact, I do.
You missed a spot.
Well, grab a brush and join in.
[Country] [Singing] [Singing] [Vocalizing] - [Man] Yeehaw! - Mmm.
Who knew that Lee Marvin could do such marvelous splits? He's dreamy.
Oh, why did they have to screw up a perfectly serviceable wagon story - with all that fruity singing? - I thought it was toe-tappir fun.
Singing is the lowest form of communication.
Homer, you sing all the time.
No, I don't.
I hate to rhyme.
[Singing] [Singing] [Singing] [Singing] [Ends] And a one, and a two, and a three- [Singing] [Continues] Hello! Human Fly here.
Come on! I stayed up all night dyeing my underwear.
Extra, extra! Be Sharps sing on rooftop! What? Give me one of those! Wait a minute.
There's nothing in here about the Be Sharps! - Come back here! - Ha-ha! [Singing Continues, Indistinct] - It's been done.
- [Tires Screech] - Pretty, huh, Chief? - It sure is, Lou.
It sure is.
- Get the tear gas.
- [Continues] [Ends] [Applause, Cheering] [Glass Smashing] Dad, we can't let this happen to Belle.
Don't you worry, Son.
My friends! Stop! We could tear it down but we'd be tearing down a part of ourselves.
[Singing] [Continues] [Jazz] [Singing] [Singing] [Singing] - [Continues] - [Springs] [Singing] [Both Singing] [Continues] [Springs] [Whistles] [Ends] - [Horn Honks] - [Belches] [Singing] [Gagging] [Singing] Eep.
[Both Yelling, Whooping] - [Squeaking] - [Gasps] It's so thick! [Sucking] [Coughing] Your turn, Bart.
[Sucking] [Coughs] Whoa! That's good Squishy.
[Groaning] What's it like, Bart? Bart? Bart? - [Babbling Gibberish] - Give me that! [Slurps] [Moans, Yelps] Okay.
We're young, rich and full of sugar.
What'll we do? Let's go crazy Broadway-style! [Both] Yeah! [Singing] [Singing] - New York is thataway, man.
- Thanks, kid.
[Singing Ends] - [Show Music Continues] - Whoa.
- [Cats Yowling, Hissing] - Huh? Huh? Mmm! Free goo.
[Milhouse] Hey! Don't bogart that Squishy! [Gulping] I don't know where you magic pixies came from but I like your pixie drink.
- [Continues] - [Laughing] [Groaning] Oh, my head.
[Singing] [Singing] [Singing] [Chuckles] [Singing] [Vocalizing] [Vocalizing] [Singing] [Singing] [Singing] Bye.
[Singing] [Singing] [Ends] Whether igloo, hut or lean-to or a geodesic dome there's no structure I have been to which I'd rather call my home.
[Yelps] [Singing] - [Continues] - [Chuckles] That's okay.
- [Screams] - [Continues] [Singing] [Singing] D'oh! [All Singing] [Ends] [Sighs] Everything really wrapped up nicely.
Much quicker than usual.
I guess we've learned that happiness is wherever you find it.
And we've all found happiness, every one of us.
- [Apu Crying] - [TV Clicks On] Hey, what's that sound? [Crying Continues] [Singing] [Ends] Hey, he's not happy at all! He lied to us through song! I hate when people do that! - [Drumroll] - [Announcer] Live from Springfield the entertainment capital of this state the Krusty Komeback Special! [Riano] [Singing] [Sobbing] [Singing] [Applause] - I love you, Krusty.
- Quiet! Maybe we were wrong about Burns on this one.
Are you sure you want to go through with this, sir? You do have a very full wardrobe as it is.
But not completely full.
For you see- [Singing] [Continues] [Continues] [Singing] [Ends] - I really like the vest.
- I gathered, yeah.
We gotta get the dogs out of there! [Singing] [Singing] [Singing] - Okay.
- [Continues] [Ends] Oh, I knew I should have shut that window.
[Singing] [Clicking] [Continues] Bye.
[Singing] [Singing] [Singing] [Singing] [Ends] Very well.
We will now hear suggestions for the, uh disbursement of the, uh, two million dollars.
Don't you mean three million dollars? Of course.
How silly of me.
[Whistles] You know, a town with money's a little like the mule with a spinning wheel.
No one knows how he got it, and danged if he knows how to use it.
- [Laughter] - [Chuckles] Mule.
The name's Lanley, Lyle Lanley and I come before you good people tonight with an idea.
Probably the greatest- Ah, it's not for you.
It's more of a Shelbyville idea.
Now wait just a minute.
We're twice as smart as the people of Shelbyville.
Just tell us your idea, and we'll vote for it.
I tell you what I'll do.
I'll show you my idea.
- I give you the Springfield Monorail! - [All Gasping] I've sold monorails to Brockway, Ogdenville and North Haverbrook and by gum, it put them on the map! Well, sir, there's nothir on earth like a genuine, bona fide electrified, six-car monorail.
- What'd I say? - Monorail! - What's it called? - [Together] Monorail! - That's right, monorail! - [All] Monorail.
[Singing] [Singing] [Singing] [Continues] - [All Singing] - [Continues] [Singing] [Ends] Monorail! Mono- D'oh! Hymns here! I got hymns here! Get 'em while they're holy! Fresh from God's brain to your mouth! [Sinister Chuckle] And now please rise for our opening hymn uh, "In the Garden of Eden" by I.
[Rock] [Singing] - [Organ Continues] - [Sinister Chuckle] Hey, Marge, remember when we used to make out to this hymn? - [Giggles] Shh! Shh! Shh! - [Chuckling] [Continues] - [Continues] - Wait a minute.
This sounds like rock and/or roll.
[Ends] [Rousing] [Singing] [Continues] [Continues] [Continues] [Ends] [Singing] [Singing] [Singing] [Ends] - Actually, we're done.
- Done, done.
- And not a moment too soon.
- Oh, okay then.
Well, then I got no beef with you.
[Grunts] - Okay, who wants dinner? - [All Clamoring] Well, let's get eatir.
- [Humming] - [Gunshots] All right, all right.
[Theme Music] - [Gunshots] - [Stops] [Snake] Yo! I told you to stop the music, dudes.
I'm serious! [Crickets Chirping] [Resumes] - [Snake] Oh, oh, oh! You're so not listening! - [Gunshots] [Crickets Chirping] [Resumes, Quietly] [Snake] Okay, I hear that.
- I hear that, dudes! - [Gunshot] - [Mellow Instrumental] - [Gunshot] [Snake] You too, Gracie music dude! Guh!