The Simpsons Episode Scripts

4F22 - The City of New York vs. Homer Simpson

What? Uh-oh.

Here comes the evening rush.

Clear out, fellas! Oh, what a day.

Good evenin', Moe.

Good mornin', Moe.

Yeah, all right.

Listen up, guys.

The Springfield Police have told me that 91 % of all traffic accidents are caused by you six guys.

- l knew we could do it! Yeah, l know.

l know.

But the bad news is we gotta start havin' designated drivers.

- Are you kidding me? We'll choose the same way they pick the pope.

Everybody reach in and draw a pickled egg.

Whoever gets the black egg stays sober tonight.

Whew! - Whew! No! You got the black one.

Hey, everybody, l'm Peter Pants-less! l can't take this much longer.

l gotta have a beer! Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Not tonight! Not tonight! Are you ready to get Duffed? - Hey, it's Duffman the guy in a costume that creates aWareness of Duff.

Duffman wants to party down with the man who sent in l've got a bottomless mug of new Duff Extra Cold for Barney Gumble! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! l can't! l'm the designated driver! Yeah, that's swell.

Duff wholeheartedly supports the designated driver program.

Now, who wants to party? - Please! l'm trying to drive! Hey, let's go to the girls' college! No.

The Playboy Mansion.

Playboy Mansion! Shut up! lt's my car, and l say we're going to the lost city of gold.

That's just drunk talk.

Sweet, beautiful drunk talk.

Good night, Barney.

Don't forget to bring back my car back tomorrow.

just slide it under the door.



Face it, Homer, the car is gone.

- Ohl Barney ain't never comin' back.

Here We are, Mr.


Huh? Thanks for the lift! Barney, where's my car? All l remember about the last two months is giving a guest lecture at Villanova.

Or maybe it was a street corner.

So you lost my car, eh? Well, that's just grand.

l oughta punch you in the nose, but l have to pick up my kids at school.

Homer, l don't want you driving around in a car you built yourself.

Marge, you can stand there finding fault, or you can knit me some seat belts.

Sorry, sorry.

Dad, you got a letter from the City of New York.

Throw it away.

Nothing good has ever come out of New York City.

'Dear motorist, Your vehicle is illegally parked in the borough of Manhattan.

' My vehicle! - 'lf you do not remedy this malparkage within 72 hours your car will be thrown into the East River at your expense.

' Oh! l don't wanna go to New York City! Why not? - New York is a hellhole! And you know how l feel about hellholes.

Dad, you can't judge a place you've never been to.


That's what people do in Russia.

lt's time l told you about a chapter of my life l hoped would be closed forever.

l was on my way to the Harrisburg Coat Outlet to buy an irregular coat but it required a stopover in New York City.

All l had to do Was Walk a feWblocks from the Rort Authority Bus Terminal to my train at Renn Station.

AnyhoW, l must'ye looked at somebody the Wrong Way because the next thing l kneW, l Was running for my life.

And that's when the CHUDs came at me.

Oh, Homer, of course you'll have a bad impression of New York if you only focus on the pimps and the CHUDs.

Oh, l'd love to see New York.

We could all go with the bus company's special super-sitter fare.

Nine bucks? This one's on me! Great! We're all going to New York! Lousy Bart and his money.

All right, New York, l'm comin' back! But you're not gettin' this! Dad, our baby pictures were in there.

- Don't you start! Wake up, eyeryone.

We're almost there.

That took too long.

How come we had to transfer in Atlanta twice? l just think we should've paid the extra $1 .

50 and gotten a bus with restrooms.


Marge, l can't feel my legs.

l can't feel my legs! - Homer! Homer, those legs belong to the man behind you.


We're here! Wow! l feel like such a nobody.

lt's wall-to-wall landmarks.

The Williamsburg Bridge.

Fourth Avenue.

Governors lsland.

- Look! lt's ZZ Top! You guys rock! - Eh, maybe a little.

Now remember, criminals prey on small-town folk like us.

So if anyone asks, we're sophisticated millionaires from the Ozarks.

Homer, you're scaring the children.

- Good.

l don't wanna spend one extra second in this urban death maze.

You wait here at the bus station while l get the car.

The bus station is just one of the sights we came to see.

We'll meet you in Central Park at 5:00.

Oh, all right.

But not a minute later.

'Cause once the sun goes down, all the weirdos turn crazy.

l'm on to you! 'Your yehicle is illegally parked at One World Trade Plaza.

' Hmm.

Ooh! Wow! Governors lsland looks so insignificant from up here.

Hey, immigrants, beat it! Country's full! Okay, folks.

You heard the lady.

Back into the hold.

We'll try Canada.

Stupid city! What the hell is this thing? Come off.

Come off.

All right, you.


Hey, When you're done With that, l got something up here you can bite onl Hey, why don't you be polite, you stinkin' pus bag! Pal, you gotta call that number on the boot.

Sorry about that guy.

They stick all the jerks in ToWer One.

That's it! l'm comin' over there! - Why don't you come over here! l got something for you! - Shut up, the both of youse! Thank you for calling the Rarking Violations Bureau.

To plead 'not guilty,' press one now.

- Thank you.

Your plea has been- - Rejected.

You will be assessed the full fine plus a small- Large lateness penalty.

Please wait by your vehicle between 9:00 a.


and 5:00 p.

m for parking officer Steve- - Grabowski.

They expect me to sit here from 9:00 to 5:00? That's- How many hours? Ten, 1 1, denominator- Oh! Where's Lisa when you need her? Here's a better idea.

You give me your address, and l'll write to you.

Uh, okay.

just send it to: jesus, care of the Pentagon.

l'm so glad we took the subway.

'Laser wart removal.

' Wow! The future is here.

Hey, where's Bart? Ladies and gentlemen, l'm sorry to disturb your pleasant ride but unlike yourselves, l was born without taste buds.

Let me demonstrate.

l'm in over my head here.

Thank you for your time.

Aw, come on! Pick up the pace! - Hey, l'm not a bum.

Thanks, but l don't need- Okay, if you insist, but- Spare change, lady? Lousy cheapskate.

So hungry.

Can't leave car.

Getting closer.


Almost there.

lt's- Ow! Fresh Khlay Kalashl Get your Khlay Kalashl Hey, could you go across the street and get me a slice of pizza? No pizza.

Only Khlav Kalash.

Oh, shoot.

All right, all right.

Give me one bowl.

No bowl.



Oh, geez! That's just awful! Mmm! Now, what do you have to wash that awful taste out of my mouth? Mountain Dew or crab juice.

Oh, geez! l'll take a crab juice.


Uh, you got a men's room in there? Only Khlav Kalash.

Men's room in tower.


Observation deck.

- Oh! But l can't leave my car until the parking guy gets here.

Oh! Why did l drink all that crab juice? Hmm! - Don't even think about it, pal! Are we still in Little ltaly? Actually, l think we're in Chinatown now.

Only in New York.

Mom, are those rabbits dead? No.

No, Lisa.

They're just sleeping upside down and inside out.

Bart, no fireworks! Put that back! You're the boss.

Oh, no! Chinese fire drill! Serious this time! Come on, boot guy! Oh.

Flushing Meadows.

Oh, l can't take it anymore! All right.

l'll only be gone for a second.

- Hey! Frontsies.


l'm with them.




coming through.

- Very important person.

Give me frontsies.

- What in the- How frightfully rude! l certainly hope someone stabs him in the eye.

Oh! - Oh, yes! What? 'Failure to wait by vehicle.

' '$250'? You- Oh! l'm gonna get that stupid- Oh, no.

lt's gettin' dark.

Well, that's it.

l'm gettin' out of this town alive if it kills me! Ow! Look at all those beautiful shoes.

l know they're made from animals, but wow! lf only l didn't already have a pair of shoes.

Speaking of shoes, l don't care about shoes.

l'll meet you ladies back here in half an hour.

Okay, Dad.

- Stay where l can see you, honey.

MAD Magazine? Oh! Excuse me.

ls this MAD Magazine? No, it's Mademoiselle.

We're buying our sign on the installment plan.

Seriously though, my name is Bart Simpson.

My father has a subscription.

l'd like the grand tour, please.

Listen, kid, you probably think lots of crazy stuff goes on in there.

But this is just a place ofbusiness.



Get me Kaputnik and Fonebone! l wanna see their drawings for the 'New Kids on the Blech.

' And where's my furshlugginer pastrami sandwiches? Wow! l will never wash these eyes again.

Get off the road, you freakin' maniac! Yeah, you jackass! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! 'Kickin'lt.

A Musical Journey Through The Betty Ford Center.

' You know, when l was a girl, l always dreamed of being in a Broadway audience.

How do you find the defendant? When l grow up, l wanna be in the Betty Ford Center.

You'd better start saving now.

lt's very expensive.

Shh! They're strapping down Liza Minnelli.

Oh, it's gonna be dark soon.

l'll never make it out of here with this rotten boot on my car.

- Aha! l've got it! Brain, how can l ever thank you? just don't bump me on your way out of the car.

- Sorry.

just a minute! Everything's under control! - Yes, l'd be upset too! Hey! Hey! Hey! What? - The boss says you're fired.

l'll get him! - So long, Mr.


Come on! Come on! Die! Die! Homer one, New York nothing! Thanks for your patience.

What a perfect way to end our day in New York.


l hope your father had as much fun as we did.

My God! That maniac is headin' straight for us! Go, Secretariat! Go! Ow! - Hey, it's Dad.

Right on time.

We're gettin' out of here now.

jump in, Marge.

Trust me.

Throw the kids.

No time for the baby.

We're not jumping, Homer.

- Come on! Let's go! Everyone into the car now! - Tell your friends to ask forjimmy! What a magical city.

Can we come back next year, Dad? We'll see, honey.

We'll see.