The Simpsons Episode Scripts

4F01 - Lisa's Date with Density

[Chorus Singing] [Tires Screeching] - D'oh! [Screams] - [Tires Screeching] [All Gasp] - Skinner! - Uh, Superintendent Chalmers.

[Panting] - What's wrong? - Nothing.

I just bought myself a car.

Oh.

Oh, good.

This will sound crazy, but at first I thought I'd enraged you again.

- Skinner! - What? What? Uh, you're getting paranoid.

I used to think a car was just a way of getting from point "A" to point "B"- and on weekends point "C.

" But that was the old me.

That man died the moment I laid eyes on the 1979 Honda Accord.

I've always admired car owners.

And I hope to be one myself as soon as I finish paying off Mother.

She insists I pay her retroactively for the food I ate as a child.

Yeah, yeah.

That's, uh, unfortunate.

Well, Seymour, I make superintendent money which amply covers both food and car.

l- Holy jumping Caesar's catfish! My "H'"has been stolen! Oh! That's how people know it's a Honda! What's the point of having a Honda if you can't show it off? Sir, if you'll just stop yelling at me, I'm sure I can find a replacement.

[Grunts] Here we- I'll just- Hey! Get away from my car! - Uh-oh.

This way.

- Uh-oh.

[Cash Register Dings] [Chuckles] [Whistles] Eh, morning, Apu.

Good morning.

One doughnut with sprinkles, and- - [Gasps] Wait a minute.

These are not sprinkles, sir.

- What do you mean? You've clearly taken items from the candy rack and placed them on top of the doughnut in an attempt to pass them off as sprinkles.

Well, it was like that when I got here.

It really was! A Mounds bar is not a sprinkle.

A Twizzler is not a sprinkle.

AJolly Rancher is not a sprinkle, sir.

Perhaps in Shangri-la they are, but not here.

Oh.

- [Bell Dings] - [Apu] Thank you.

Come again.

[Police Radio Chatter] It looks like we put the kibosh on another two-bit telephone swindle, boys.

- Frankly, I would have expected better from Jimmy the Scumbag.

- [Mutters] - Hey, what's this thing? - Huh? Oh, that's an auto-dialer.

This bird was using it to pull a telemarketing scam.

But instead he's gonna rot in the slammer for the next 20 years.

Bread and water, icy showers, guards whomping your ass around the clock.

And the only way out is suicide.

Telemarketing, eh? [Laughing] Oh, you think this stolen "H" is a laugh riot, don't you? Well, I'll tell you something that's not so funny.

Right now Superintendent Chalmers is at home crying like a little girl.

- [Laughing] - [Laughing] [Chuckles] I guess it is a little funny.

Nonetheless, I will find the culprit.

We'll start with- oh, I don't know- Bart Simpson! - [Grunts] - Um, I don't think you want to look in there, sir.

Balderdash.

I'll just stick my head right in and- [Shouts] Half a dozen eggs? [Grunts] Well, that would be the complete dozen.

All right, rather than tempt fate, I'll move along now.

And so we reach the bottom of the barrel- - Nelson Muntz.

- [Hums Fanfare] The cold, hard process of elimination places the "H" squarely in your locker.

- [Grunts, Gasps] - [Gasps] Ha-ha! Damn! Dang! Darn! [Gasps] A principal's ransom in stolen goods! Well, sir, who's "ha-ha"-ing now, hmm? I don't know, but he's got lethal tuna breath.

[Students] Ooh! Who does Nelson think he's impressing anyway, acting so cool all the time? Not me! All right, Mr.

Smartenheimer, that does it.

First you're going to give back everything you've stolen.

Then I'm sentencing you to one week of the lowest most degrading work known to man-janitorial work.

[In Scottish Accent] Ahh, gee.

I'm standing right here, sir.

Oh, yes.

Uh- Take a good look at him, Nelson, 'cause that's where you're headed.

After you claim your stolen merchandise go directly to Mr.

Muntz for an apology.

Bite me.

Cram it.

You're dead.

- Get bent, ma'am.

- Why do you have to be such a pain all the time? Don't you realize you're getting a bad reputation? Don't you realize your butt sticks out? It does not! - Hey! - Ha-ha! An automatic dialer? Is that legal? - I don't want you getting arrested, Homer.

- I won't.

Or swindling our neighbors.

Let me show you how it works.

This baby has every phone number in town programmed into it.

It automatically calls them one by one and plays my message.

- Listen.

- [Dialing] - [Rings] - Ahoy-hoy.

[Homer's Voice] Greetings, friend.

Do you wish to look as happy as me? Well, you've got the power inside you right now.

So use it, and send one dollar to Happy Dude! Springfield.

Don't delay.

Eternal happiness is just a dollar away.

Hmm.

One dollar for eternal happiness.

Mmm, I'd be happier with the dollar.

[Chuckles] Now we just sit by the mailbox and watch the money roll in.

But you're going to annoy thousands of people just to make a few measly dollars.

It's nothing but panhandling.

Tele-panhandling.

And should there be a request for an encore we will reprise "Pop Goes the Weasel.

" Otherwise, we will file out quietly.

[Groans] [In Scottish Accent] And that's how Willie waters.

Now, you take the hoose- - The moose? - The hoose! The hoose! - Is this right? - [Screams] Turn off the noozle! - The noodles? What noodles? - The noozle at the end of the hoose! - [Laughs] - Miss Simpson do you find something funny about the word "tromboner"? [Stifles Laugh] No, sir.

I was laughing at something outside.

She was looking at Nelson! Lisa likes Nelson! - She does not! - Milhouse likes Lisa! - He does not! - Janie likes Milhouse! - She does not! - Uter likes Milhouse! Nobody likes Milhouse! Lisa, you've got detention.

[Groans] Oh.

How does Bart do this every week? Hey, brainiac, since when do you get detention? It's your fault.

I accidentally laughed at your immature prank.

Ha! Yeah.

The best part was when he got wet.

Hey, you're doing that the stupid way.

If you use that deal with the five chalks, you'll get done faster.

Thanks, but I prefer the honest way.

Whatever.

Smell you later.

Hmm.

Wow.

That was a good idea.

- And I can't believe it came from Nelson.

- [Grunting] [Thinking] He's not like anybody I've ever met.

He's like a riddle wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a vest.

Sure is ugly though.

So why can't I stop staring at him? - [Grunting] - Oh, no! I think I'm getting a crush on Nelson Muntz! Hey, Willie, catch the football! - [Bees Buzzing] - All right, I'll- [Screams] Ahh.

Milhouse, I've never told anyone this kind of thing before.

But I've never felt this way before.

- I think I have a crush.

- [Gasps] Uh- Oh, really? On Nelson Muntz.

Way to drink, Poindexter! [Coughing] You like Nelson? But he's a creep, and he chipped one of my permanent teeth! But I bet underneath he's a sweet, sensitive person- like you.

I guess you could say I want to bring out the Milhouse in Nelson.

But I'm all Milhouse! Plus my mom says I'm the handsomest guy in school! I like you too, Milhouse, but not in that way.

- You're more like a big sister.

- No, I'm not! Why does everybody keep saying that? Would you do me a favor? When you get back to class, just give him this note.

Oh! Please? [Thinking] When she sees you'll do anything she says, she's bound to respect you.

Sure! What's a big sister for? Oh! I shouldn't have said that! "Guess who likes you.

" [Siren Wailing] [Tires Screeching] Milhouse, I'm so sorry.

He can't hear you now.

We had to pack his ears with gauze.

- [Siren Wailing] - Nelson! Um, that note Milhouse gave you? It wasn't from him.

It was from me.

You? Why would you like me? No girls like me! Are you wearing a wire? I don't know why I like you.

I just do.

So, what do you think? It's okay- I guess.

Do I have to do anything? Well, would you like to come over to my house after school? Okay.

But if anybody sees us, I'm just there to steal your bike.

[Tires Screeching] [Panting] Huh? Ooh.

[Babbles, Spits] Whoo-hoo! Two dollars! It's working! I don't feel any happier.

How about you? Mmm, a little.

- [Wheels Squeaking] - Oh, you got to see this.

It's so cute what she does.

Be the baby, kitty.

Go on.

Be the baby.

- [Laughs] Come on.

Snowball! - [Shrieking] You don't understand.

She loves to climb in here.

- [Shrieks] - I believe you! I don't care! Hey, Lise, Mom said you had the toenail clippers, and- Whoa, Lisa! Look out! Nelson's in our house! It's okay.

I invited him over.

Nelson's my new friend.

Are you nuts? I'll probably never say this to you again, but you can do better.

Please don't ruin this for me, Bart.

I think he's starting to like me.

- Milhouse likes you.

- Oh, please! - Milhouse likes Vaseline on toast.

- Hmm.

[Dialing] - [Whirring] - Oh, pawns can't move that way, you stupid arm! - [Phone Rings] - Lab.

[Homer's Voice] Greetings, friend.

- Do you wish to look as happy as me? - [Gasps] Why, it's the AT-5000 Auto-Dialer, my very first patent.

Ah, would you listen to the gibberish they've got you saying? It's sad and alarming.

You were designed to alert schoolchildren about snow days and such.

Well, let's get you home to Frinky.

Hope your wheels still work.

[Laughs] [Vibrating, Whirring] Oh, no, you don't.

[Grunts] You're the first person I've had over to the house since my dad went nuts.

"Nuke The Whales"? You don't really believe that, do you? I don't know.

Gotta nuke something.

Touch´┐Ż.

You play the guitar? Oh, yeah.

I'm a superstar.

Would you play a song for me? Oh.

Okay.

[Tunes String] [Singing] I wish I could laugh at the idea of a teacher being decapitated.

I know.

[Chuckling] It's funny, huh? Hardly.

Listen.

I'm getting pretty tired.

I'm gonna go to sleep for a while.

Smell you later.

- How am I supposed to get home? - I don't know.

Should have thought of that before you came over.

Ha.

I feel so stupid, Mom.

Nelson's not right for me at all and I don't think he ever will be.

Well, most women will tell you that you're a fool to think you can change a man.

But those women are quitters! - What? - When I first met your father he was loud, crude and piggish.

But I worked hard on him, and now he's a whole new person.

- Mom? - He's a whole new person, Lisa.

- Oh.

I know.

- Mmm.

I wonder if I could change Nelson.

Very sharp.

Yeah, but I feel like such a tool! I know it's a change, but it really highlights your sweet and sensitive side.

Ah, crap.

Isn't it nice up here? What are you thinking, Nelson? What am I thinking about what? - About anything.

- Nothing.

[Groans] What do you feel? What's inside you right now? Guts.

And black stuff.

And about 50 Slim Jims.

Come on, Nelson.

You must think and feel things.

I mean, look where we are- a rolling green hillside, the stars coming out like God is lighting a million tiny candles the moon looking down on us as if to say- [Thinking] My first kiss! I always wondered what it would be like.

[Thinking] This ought to shut her up.

Hey, this isn't so bad.

Mmm.

That was pretty fine.

See? You do have a tender side.

You just needed someone to bring it out.

Yeah.

That was pretty rockin'.

Oh, man! - You kissed a girl! - That is so gay! Listen, you thugs.

Stop making fun of him, or you'll be sorry.

Whoa! You'll be so sorry when you realize how you've hurt the feelings of a sweet young man.

[Groans] He's not like you anymore.

He's changed, and he doesn't want to hang around with a bunch of crumb-bums.

Crumb-bums? Nobody calls me a crumb-bum! Hey, back off, James.

I'll handle this, Lisa.

You go have a fig bar.

Hey, thanks for embarrassing me, dingus! You asked for it, man.

You're broadcasting geek rays over the entire valley.

'Fraid not.

I'm still wicked bad.

Oh, yeah? Then prove it, ass-butt.

Come raid Skinner's house with us.

We found a bunch of rancid coleslaw in the Dumpster behind Krusty Burger.

Yeah.

And we're gonna go heave it at his house.

Cool.

I'd love to get even with Skinner.

Uh- Uh- But I better not.

[Imitates Clucking] Chicken! - Lame-O! - Girl lover! - Fancy pants! - Charlatan! You got rid of them.

And you did it like a gentleman, without any violence.

Yeah.

I know you don't like that stuff.

[Dialing] [Phone Rings] - [Ned] Howdily-doodily? - [Homer's Voice] Greetings, friend.

- Do you wish to look as- - [Headset Slams In Cradle] [Sighs] It was that darn recording again.

[Maude] Of course it was.

It's been calling all night.

Just unplug the phone.

- [Phone Rings] - Howdily-do- - Greetings, friend- - Dang! I told you to unplug the phone.

- But it could be my mother.

- [Rings] - Howdy- Shoot! - Greetings, friend- That is it, Ned.

If you don't unplug that phone right now - you're sleeping on the lawn.

- Will you two shut up? People are trying to sleep! - [Thudding, Splattering] - Great Barrier Reef, we're under attack! - Eat slaw, Skinner! - We're slawin' him up good! Nelson doesn't know what he's missing.

Why's he wasting his time with that Simpson chick? 'Cause your mom had a three-month waiting list.

- All right! - I knew you'd be back! - What'd you say about my mom? - [Indistinct Greetings] I missed you guys.

Let's never fight again.

[Inhales, Grunts] [Grunting] Who's out there? Give me your names so I can tell the police.

[Mrs.

Skinner] Seymour, what's going on? What's that odor? Go back to bed, Mother.

I've got it under control.

Listen, you crumb-bums.

If you think I'm impressed, I am not.

l- [Shudders] Oh, brandishing your buttocks is only getting me angrier.

- [Mrs.

Skinner] I want to see what's going on! - No, mother! - Don't look out the window! - [Screams] [Groans] - [Sirens Wailing] - Cops! Everybody split up! [All Grunt] [Sirens Continue] Lisa, the cops are chasing me.

I need a place to hide! Lisa's window is the next one.

- [Phone Rings] - [Ned] Howdily-do- - [Homer's Voice] Greetings- - [Maude] Ned, did you plug that phone back in? Shut up! And I wasn't even there! Honest! Skinner's just out to get me.

- That's so unfair.

- [Siren Wails] - Uh-oh.

- Meet me at the back door.

Aha! I had a feeling we'd find you here.

- Chief, no! - What'd you do that for? Well, the thing's been driving the whole town nuts.

Got me out of the bath seven times- seven.

Hey! Who shot the auto-dialer? - Uh, Marge's auto-dialer.

- See you in court, Simpson.

Oh, and, uh, bring that evidence with you.

Otherwise, I got no case, and you'll go scot-free, you know.

Uh, Chief, what about those coleslaw punks? Well, l- I can't be everywhere at once, Lou, now can I? You know, in most cities, the chief of police doesn't even go out on calls like these.

- Yeah, yeah.

We know, Chief.

- We appreciate it.

- Count our blessings every day.

- We're very appreciative.

I think they're giving up.

Thanks for helping me out.

You're a stand-up babe.

Hey, check it out.

Skinner's mopping the goo off his house! Wait till he finds what I left in his birdbath.

[Skinner] No! [Telescope Clicking] I thought you weren't there.

Huh? Oh.

Yeah.

- Uh, I guess I was.

- You lied to me.

- Nuh-uh! - There.

You did it again.

All right, all right.

I lied.

I'm sorry.

Let's kiss.

No! You don't understand, Nelson.

A kiss doesn't mean anything if it's dishonest.

Um-There's, uh, niceness to it.

I was foolish to think I'd actually changed you.

Maybe I was seeing things in you that weren't really there.

- Definitely.

- Then why did you want to be with me? Mmm-mmm.

Maybe 'cause you were the first person that ever thought there was a nice guy inside me.

Huh.

Well, guess you really blew that one, huh? - Well, I guess this is it.

- You mean, like, good-bye? Let's just call it "smell you later.

" [Sniffing] [Bell Rattling] Hi, Lisa.

Could I talk to you, or will that just make Nelson whale on me again? Don't worry.

Nelson and I don't like each other anymore.

[Gasps] Really? You got anybody in mind for your next crush? Well, I'm really not thinking about that now.

I suppose it could be almost anybody.

Yes! Yes! [Dialing] [Line Ringing] [Homer's Voice] Hello.

This is Homer Simpson, a.

k.

a.

Happy Dude.

The court has ordered me to call every person in town to apologize for my telemarketing scam.

I'm sorry.

If you can find it in your heart to forgive me send one dollar to Sorry Dude, - You have the power.

- [Tape Clicks] - [Murmuring] - Shh!