The Simpsons Episode Scripts

4F04 - A Milhouse Divided

[Chorus Singing] [Tires Screeching] D'oh! [Screams] [Static] [Chomping] [Squeaking] Marge, can't we get some clear plates? I can't see the TV! Is it really necessary to watch TV while we're eating? We're getting food all over.

Yoink! If you really wanted us to be neater, you'd serve us out of one long bowl.

You're talking about a trough.

We're not going to eat from a trough.

And another thing.

It's only 5:15.

- Why are you in your underwear? - Hey, this ain't the Ritz.

[Groans] At least let's have a civilized conversation, shall we? - Lisa, how was school? - How was what? What? - School! School! - It's not time for school.

I know it's not time- [Groans] I'm going into the dining room to have a conversation.

Anyone who wants to join me is welcome.

[Marge] Hello, Marge.

How's the family? I don't want to talk about it! - Mind your own business.

- Keep it down in there, everybody! Homer, is this the way you pictured married life? Yeah, pretty much, except we drove around in a van solving mysteries.

Well, I pictured cocktail parties and candlelit dinners.

I pictured napkins.

Homer, I want to throw a dinner party.

Oh, I hate having parties.

The toilet always gets backed up.

I don't care if the sink shoots sludge.

We're having a party.

Man, that is flagrant false advertising! [Gasps] It's just not a dinner party without a melon baller.

And we'll need a citrus zester, a ravioli crimper.

Ooh, an oyster mallet.

"Made in U.



" [Groans] No, thank you.

Hey, Lise, check this out.

Nonstick coating.


A punch bowl like that just screams good taste.

Wouldn't it be perfect for the dinner party? Oh, we can't afford that.

Who do you think I am, Liz Taylor? Well, maybe we could use it once and then return it.

- Marge, we're not talking about a toothbrush here.

- [Groans] - [Beeps] - [Humming] Bart, company's coming.

- Go put doilies under the coasters.

Hurry! Hurry! - [Dings] Lisa, quick! Screw these back on.

Mom, calm down.

The party's not for another three hours.

Oh, good.

That will give me time to add another coat of glaze to the ham.

[Groans] - Ohh! - Homer! - [Homer] What? - Are you ready? Just gotta put my shoes on.

The only thing I asked you to do for this party was put on clothes - and you didn't do it.

- [Doorbell Rings] And now it's too late! They're here! Bart, greet our guests and take their coats.

Mom, Reverend Lovejoy doesn't have a coat.

Should I let him in? My coat was stolen at last week's interfaith banquet.

So I helped myself to a few of the better umbrellas.

Well, as you can see, we don't believe fur is murder - but paying for it sure is.

- [Laughing] Uh, sorry we're late.

But Luann had to put on her face.

She doesn't want anyone to know she's got no eyebrows.

What? You don't.

[All Laughing] [Chattering] Did anyone see that new Woodsy Allen movie? You know, I like his films, except for that nervous fella's always in 'em.

If you want to talk nervous, you should have seen Kirk deal with the high school boys - who egged our Bonneville.

- Ha! Should have asked them to hurl some bacon.

Then maybe I could have had a decent breakfast for once.

You know what you two need? A little comic strip called Love Is.

It's about two naked eight-year-olds who are married.

Mmm! Well, Marge, if that was my last meal - I'd tell the warden, "Bring on the lethal injection!" - [Laughing] Yeah, Marge.

I know I haven't eaten that well since I was in the army.

- Or that noisily.

- All right, that's it.

So, who wants to play a game? Hmm? Hmm? Hmm? Oh, that's a noodle-scratcher.

- Oh! Cornstarch! - Oh, rightio! It's good for keeping down the urges.

Oh, come on, Luann.

You know what this is.

Kirk, I don't know what it is.

Oy! It could not be more simple, Luann.

Do you want me to show this to the cat and have the cat tell you what it is? - 'Cause the cat's gonna get it.

- I'm sorry.

I'm not as smart as you, Kirk.

We didn't all go to Gudger College.

- [Dings] - It's dignity! Gah! Don't you even know dignity when you see it? - Kirk, you're spitting! - Okay, genius, why don't you draw dignity? - Oh, that's dignity, all right! - That's great! Worthy of Webster's.

Well, it's no wonder I can't draw dignity.

I gave it up when I married her.

Now, Kirk, it's only a game.

Sometimes we- - Oh, cram it, Churchie! - Maybe we should all have a few drinks.

I'd have a drink, but it might loosen my tongue.

You want to talk? Go ahead, Luann, talk.

Why don't you tell them one of your little bedtime stories, huh? Like the one about how rotten it is to be married to a loser.

Or how about the one about how I carry a change purse? - Yeah, a purse! - Shut up and let the woman talk! Okay, Kirk, I'll tell a story.

It's about a man whose father-in-law gave him a sweet job - as manager of a cracker factory.

- [Homer] Boring! A man whose complete lack of business sense and managerial impotence- - Ooh! Here we go! - sent the number one cracker factory in town into a tie for sixth with Table Time and Allied Biscuit.

[Kirk] You want to hear a secret, everybody? Luann loves it! Loves it when I fail! Oh, yes, Kirk.

I love having to borrow money from my sister.

I love having to steal clothes from the church donation box.

- Oh, sweetJesus! - [Groaning] Lisa, why don't you come sing for us? - [Singing] - Oh, great! You got the kid singing! I hope you're happy now! I am not happy.

And I haven't been happy for a long time.

- I want a divorce! - [All Gasping] l- l- A divorce? Sure.


Hey, you got it, toots! And here's a picture even you can figure out! - It's a door! Use it! - That's a door? Hello, I'm Dr Hibbert.

I'm afraid I'm going to have to amputate your butt.

[Imitates Hibbert Laughing] All right, if you think you must.

Come on, Milhouse.

We are going.

- Oh, can't I come home later? - There's not going to be a home later.

Oh, okay.

Ta-ta! I'm off to the beauty salon! Good night.

Thanks for coming.

We'll see you.


Well, I think that went pretty well.

[Tires Screeching] What? I feel terrible.

The Van Houtens split up at our party.

Marge, please.

That was 20 minutes ago.

I shouldn't have served those North Korean fortune cookies.

They were so insulting- "You are a coward.

" No one likes to hear that after a nice meal.

You can't keep blaming yourself.

Just blame yourself once and move on.

You know who the real victim is in all this- Milhouse.

Hey, Van Houten, I heard your folks broke up.

Aren't you gonna say "Ha-ha"? Oh, by no means.

My dad left my mom after she got hooked on cough drops.

By the end, her breath was so fresh she wasn't really my mother anymore.


So I guess I'm not alone.

Aw, you'll do fine.

My divorce was tough on my kid, but he got over it.

I sleep in a drawer.

[Singing] [Humming] [Humming Continues] I must say, Luann, you're really handling this splendidly.

From now on, forget everything you thought you knew about Luann Van Houten.

Actually, Luann, I don't really know anything about you.

Forget it! She's gone! Presto change-o! Kaboom! Sweet Fanny Adams! Bye-bye! Uh, singles life is great, Homer.

I can do whatever I want.

- Today I drank a beer in the bathroom.

- The one down the hall? Yeah.

And another great thing- you get your own bed.

Uh, I sleep in a racing car.

Do you? I sleep in a big bed with my wife.

- Oh, yeah.

- [Knocking] - Hey, there, Kirk.

- Oh, boy! What's going on? Patio party? Nah.

A possum drowned in the pool.

You have any garbage bags? Ah, just throw it over the fence.

Let Arby's worry about it.

That's Jerry.

He's a major player down at the sewing store.

Well, thanks for introducing me.

Ah, don't worry, Homer.

You know me.

And I'm a superstar at the cracker factory.

[Kirk] You're letting me go? Kirk, crackers are a family food.

Happy families.

Maybe single people eat crackers.

We don't know.

Frankly, we don't want to know.

It's a market we can do without.

So that's it after 20 years- so long, good luck? I don't recall saying "good luck.

" [Imitating Engine] And the winner of the Milhouse 500 is Milhouse! [Luann] Milhouse, are you sure you want to drive that inside? - Yes! - Okay.

Be careful, sweet, sweet treasure.

[Doorbell Rings] God, I missed you, Lulu.

[Giggles] Chase, it's only been three hours.

- Who's Chase? - Oh, that's Mom's new boyfriend.

Hey, I know you from American Gladiators.

You're Pyro! [Laughs] Only on weekends.

During the week, I'm just your average workaday stuntman.

- Really? - Go ahead.

Break a chair on me.

- Wow! Thanks.

- Okay, boys, I gotta go.

Come on, Lulu.

Let's roll.

[Whistling] Ow! Ow! Ow! What the hell is wrong with you? Gee! Sorry! It's a pretty standard stunt, Homer.

- [Marge] Homer, get ready! - For what? Remember? Luann and Chase are taking us out to hear Spalding Gray.

- I don't want to go to that.

- You said you'd do it as a favor to me.

- That doesn't sound like something I'd say.

- Fine.

I'll go without you.

- Okay.

Love ya! - [Door Slams Shut] Homer, I want you to meet my new special lady.

Say hello to Starla.

- [Cigarette Hisses] - [Gulping] Can I have the keys to the car, lover? I feel like changing wigs.

Oh, okay.

Starla's a temp at KZUG, radio 530.

She's gonna help me launch my singing career.

- [Tires Screeching] - My car! Oh, my demo tape! "Can I Borrow a Feeling?" [Laughing] "Can I Borrow a Feeling?" It's your picture on the front.

- Go ahead, Homer.

Laugh at me.

- I already did.

[Sighs] You know why all this happened, don't ya? 'Cause I took my marriage for granted.

You know, in 12 years, I never once helped out with the housework.

Oh, yeah, you gotta do that.

- I could have at least stayed in shape for her.

- Oh, and for yourself.

I could have taken just a little time to- to make her feel special.

It can't just be sex.

It can't! God, I was so self-centered! No wonder I didn't see it coming.

That's how it is though.

One day your wife is making you your favorite meal the next day, you're thawing a hot dog in a gas station sink.

Oh, that's tough, pal.

But it's never gonna happen to me.

Well, how do you know? What makes you guys so special? 'Cause Marge and I have one thing that can never be broken- a strong marriage built on a solid foundation of routine.

Marge, I'm home! Where are you? Are you okay? I don't smell dinner.

"Dear Homer.

" Ahh.

"Sorry you didn't want to join me tonight.

I left you hot dogs for dinner.

They're thawing in the sink.

" [Screams] Hi, Dad.

- You know, there's buns in the cabinet.

- Lisa, wait! I know you're only eight years old, and I don't want to put a lot of pressure on you but you've got to save my marriage! Oh, okay? Can I stay up? All right.

[Clears Throat] As you know, there's been a lot of talk about divorce lately.

And I think your mom might not be happy with me.

You've done a lot of crazy stuff over the years and she's stood by you.

- Why would she leave you now? - Because there's lots of stuff she doesn't know about! - You mean, like your poker shack out in the swamp? - Mm-hmm.

- She knows.

- Oh, I knew this would happen.

Our whole marriage started off on the wrong foot.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here in the sight of God and this casino tojoin- - Homer.

- and- - Marge.

- in holy matrimony.

By the power vested in me by the state gaming commission, I pronounce you man and wife.

Here's $10 worth of chips.

You may kiss the bride.

See? You don't have to spend a lot of money to have a first-class wedding reception.

[Marge Sighs] It's getting less and less likely you're going to yell "surprise" and have all my friends jump out.


Hey, you think that truck is full of jeans? You're very lucky to have Mom.

That's your advice? Go to bed! - [Footsteps] - Good morning! You know, Marge, I was thinking about how much I enjoy your interests.

So I wandered over to that theater you went to last night and I bought tickets to their entire season.

Look, "Mostly Madrigal.

'" Uh, that might be good.

Oh! Oh, "A n Evening with Philip Glass.

'"Just an evening? "Voices of the Elderly, '" or- Hmm.

Homie, I appreciate this.

But I'd really like to get some sleep.

Oh, of course, my sweet.

I'll just make some soothing ocean sounds for you.

[Imitates Wind Blowing] [Imitates Fog Horn] - [Imitates Bird Squawking] - Huh? Arr, Matey! [Humming] Armando, don't you think you're taking a lot off- [Screams] Homer, what are you doing? I wanted to surprise you with a kicky summer do.

How many husbands would do that for their wives? None! They'd have more sense than that! Oh, you're feisty.

I'm gonna give you a Madonna cut.

Homer, I don't need you around me 24 hours a day! I'm a grown woman! I can take care of myself! Now, would you please just go away? Oh, I just made things worse.

A few clumsy gestures aren't gonna make up for 10 years of neglect.

Marge deserves someone who will treat her right.

Marge deserves a fresh start.

I'd like to file for divorce.

These things happen.

Eight dollars.

Only three cavities, Bart.

Your best checkup ever.

I'm going to make you my specialty- butterscotch chicken.

[Homer] Marge, can you come in here? We need to talk.


- [People] Surprise! - [Gasps] - [Chuckles] - Surprise.

Marge, will you marry me? Why? Am I pregnant? No.

It's a second wedding, honey.

Our first one was so crummy, I had to make it up to you.

I really love you.

Oh, Homie.

I know you love me.

- We don't need to get married again.

- Yes, we do! - I got us a divorce this afternoon.

- What? I didn't want a hokey second wedding like those ones on TV.

This one is for real.

I want our marriage to be perfect right from the start so we don't end up like Kirk and Luann.

We never will.

- Dearly beloved- - Wait! I want one last chance to enjoy single life.

[Belches] Okay, ready.

I will now read the special vows which Homer has prepared for this occasion.

"Do you, Marge, take Homer in richness and in poorness-" " Poorness" is underlined- "in impotence and in potence, in quiet solitude or blasting across the alkali flats in a jet-powered, monkey navigated-" And it goes on like this.

It doesn't matter.

All I want to know is will you make me the luckiest guy in the world again? I will.

Oh, Homie, of course I will.

[Grunting] Come on, you stupid-There.

By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you husband and wife.

It's the most perfect wedding I could ever ask for.

You've even got a hip rock-and-roll combo.

Okay, everybody, who likes The Doobie Brothers? 'Cause we got one of them.

[RomanticJazz] What a wonderful evening.

A magical way for two people to renew their love.

[Gulping] Marge is right.

- Uh, I've got something I'd like to say.

- [Stops] Would you guys do a favor for a guy in love? - Sure.

- Yeah.

- That's why we're here.

[Kirk] Uh, hi, everybody.

Uh, hi.

- And hit it! - [Romantic] Hmm? [Singing] [Stops] How about it, Luann? Will you marry me again? - Ooh, no! - Oh.

Well, uh, can I have my shirts back at least? Okay, you heard the lady.

Why don't you take it outside, all right? Uh, I'll be back pr-probably.

- [Murmuring] - Shh!