The Simpsons Episode Scripts

4F06 - Bart After Dark

[Chorus Singing] [Tires Screeching] D'oh! [Screams] Hmm? [Itchy And Scratchy Show Theme] [Together] Dad! V-chip, v-chip! - Sorry, sorry, my fault.

- [Resumes] [Sniffles] Oh! [Screams] [Announcer] We interrupt this cartoon for a special report.

[Gasps] Someone found my keys! Kent Brockman at the Action News desk.

A massive tanker has run aground on the central coastline spilling millions of gallons of oil on Baby Seal Beach.

[Gasps] Oh, no! It'll be okay, honey.

There's lots more oil where that came from.

Preliminary reports indicated the ship's captain was drunk at the helm.

Those reports were later confirmed.

Arr! I'm in a lot of trouble now.

Hey, I'll give you a hundred bucks to take the blame.

A cleanup effort is already under way, and, as always the first to pitch in are those unsung heroes Hollywood movie stars.

[Barking] This isn't about publicity.

This is about cleaning off gunk.

As a Golden Globe nominee, I just think it's our duty to make the real globe a little more golden.

[Peeping] [Lisa] We'd be doing our part for the environment.

Plus, we'd get to clean up all those cute animals.

Honey, we don't need to drive You can stay right here and give the dog a bath or trim the cat's nails.

Oh, Mom, please? You can make this my birthday and Christmas presents.

You've already used up your birthday and Christmas presents on that peach tree we got you.

And you hardly ever play with that anymore.

Yes, I do.

Sure, I do.

Look! [Singsong] La-la, here I am playing on my peach tree, Mom.

Oh, all right, we'll go.

- Now, the cat needs his medication every morning- - No problem.

Can do.

- and the furnace has been giving off- - Right.


a lot of carbon monoxide, so keep the window open.

Cat in the furnace.

Uh, you know, I think I'll take Maggie with us.

And if anything happens, just use your best judgem- just do what I would do.

[Together] Whoo-hoo! A whole week of just father and son.

See you at dinner.

[Both Whistling] - What time? - I don't know.

Shall we say 10:00? All right, just wake me up.

[Muffled] You know, Bart, I saw this one.

[Muffled, Indistinct] [Announcer] Live, from the Grand Ballroom of the Hapsburg Imperial Palace it's the World Series of Bumper Cars.

- [Cars Bumping] - More food.

[Bart] Dad, do I have to brush my teeth? [Homer] No, but at least rinse your mouth out with soda.

- [Soda Can Opens] - [Bart Gargling] I'm gonna rescue a baby seal, and then I'm gonna save an otter! Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I'm sorry, but all the animals have already been reserved for celebrities.

[Grunts] There.

That's 104 pounds of sandpipers.

You mean there's nothing left to clean? Well, there are rocks, thousands and thousands of rocks.

I've got rocks that need washing at home.

Geez, look at this place.

We gotta do something.


Garbage angels? [Both Laughing] [Homer Snoring] Dad, I think I need some fresh air.

- Can I go to the park? - Do I have to sit up? - No.

- Knock yourself out.

[Motor Buzzing] Milhouse, this is boring.

Make it crash or something.

Perfectly level flying is the supreme challenge of the scale-model pilot.

- Gimme that! - Hey! - [Gasps] - [Gasps] It's gaining on us! - I'm pedaling backwards.

- Abandon ship! [Grunts] I don't like being outdoors, Smithers.

For one thing, there are too many fat children.

[Gasps] Thanks a lot.

Now it's stuck on that haunted house.

I heard a witch lives there.

- I heard a Frankenstein lives there.

- You guys are way off.

It's a secret lab where they take the brains out of zombies and put 'em in the heads of other zombies to create a race of super-zombies.

- That's the house? - [Scoffs] Stand aside, wussies.

[Doorbell Rings] [Woman On Intercom] Go away.

No children.

Enough talk.

[Imitates Fanfare] S-U-C-C-E-E-S! That's the way you spell succe- [Screaming] [Grunts] [All Gasp] [Laughing] N-No.

H-Help, help.

I'm gonna die.

[Screams, Grunts] [Groans] [Wind Gusting] - [Yelps] - [All Gasp] - Oh, no! The old witch has Bart! - We've got to hurry! [All Screaming] - [Groaning] - [Doorbell Rings] [Homer] Just a minute! - [Grunting] - [Paper Rustling] - Hello? - Your son was trespassing on my property and destroyed a very valuable stone gargoyle and- Are you wearing a grocery bag? I have misplaced my pants.

I'm not going to press charges, but I assume you'll want to punish him.

[Laughing] Yeah, I appreciate the suggestion, lady but he hates that, and I gotta live with him.

You're the man, Homer.

Well, if you won't discipline him I'll come back and speak with his mother.

[Gasps] No, wait, wait.

Madam, I run a house of discipline.

The boy will be disciplined and disciplined severely.

Good day.

Aw, I don't know how to punish you.

What does Marge usually do? - She makes me taste beer.

- Come on, boy.

Give your old man a little credit.

Yeah? Well, I still get to punish you.

Now you're gonna do chores for that lady until you work off the damage you did.

It's called "responsibility.

" [Screams] [Doorbell Rings] - Come on in, Bart.

- [Groans] I can't believe I gotta spend all my free time dusting doilies in a smelly, run-down dump for a creepy old witch.

[Jazz] Ooh.

Lady, I gotta tell ya I have been grossly misinformed about witches.

[Ends] Wow, man, what is this place? I prefer not to be called "man.

" My name is Belle, and this is the Maison Derriere.

That means the, uh, "Back House.

" Are you havin' a party or somethin'? Nonstop.

We're a burlesque house- a private club where gentlemen can play some cards and see a show- Miss Belle, we're about to do our "Around the World" number but Monte Carlo can't find her dice.

Here you go, darlin'.

Normally, we don't allow children in here, but your father was so insistent.

He's tough but fair.

I'll start sorting these bras.

[Chuckles] That's a bit advanced for you but I know a stopped-up sink that needs some attention.

Just glad to be on the team.

When you work the door, the main things are to greet the visitors and toss out the troublemakers.

Ah, the old greet 'n' toss.

No problemo.

How did I ever get along without you? [Whistling] Oop.

[Continues Whistling] Is your name Bart? - Mm-hmm.

- What the- Does your father know you're working here? - It was his idea.

- In that case, I'll have a whiskey sour.

Oh, there's something unsatisfying about scrubbing these rocks and I think I know what it is.

Lisa, I know it's frustrating but we made a commitment, and we have to see it through no matter how unpleasant.

Quitting time.


Scrub up and head for the communal tarp.

We're having kelp burgers, and we're going to watch a tape ofJohnny Arvik.

He's the Eskimo comedian.

[Chuckles] Faster, Mom! Faster! Oh, that was our emcee, Mel Zetz.

He got out of bed too fast and broke his hip.

So who's gonna warm up the crowd tonight? - Well, whoever fits Mel's tuxedo.

- Eep.

The jokes are in the breast pocket.

If you get in trouble, there's a switch - that makes the bow tie spin.

- [Whirring] Heh, nudist colonies are everywhere these days.

I'd love to go, but l- I can't get the wrinkles out of my birthday suit.

- [Rim Shot] - [All Laughing] But I gotta tell ya, Adam and Eve must have been the first bookkeepers.

They invented the loose-leaf system.

- [Rim Shot] - [All Laughing] [Chuckles] If there's a bad bookkeeping joke, I haven't heard it.

[Announcer] It's 11:00.

Do you know where your children are? I told you last night, no! Where is Bart anyway? His dinner is getting all cold and eaten.

Bart, where are you? Come on.

I have to be up at 6:00 a.


to swipe Flanders's newspaper.

What the- " President Eisenhower celebrates 40th wedding anniversary.

Not pictured, Mrs.


" I'm sorry.

This is all my fault.

- Bart was filling in for- - I don't care if he was filling in for Mel Zetz.

He's my son, and I don't want him working so late that- Oh, I agree.

Kids need rules and boundaries.

Yes, everyone loves rules.

It's so tough to be a parent these days, what with all the gangs and the drugs.

Oh, yeah, drugs.

You gotta have drugs.

Hey, he didn't pay the cover.

Oh, Bart, he's your father.

We'll comp him tonight, start a tab tomorrow.

- Oh, I hope I didn't miss the floor show.

- Nope.

- Is Roxanne back? - Yep.

- Did she, uh, get my flowers? - She did.

l- - Hello, Bart.

- Hello, Principal Skinner.

This is the National Air and Space Museum, isn't it? Uh, this isn't gonna be aboutJesus, is it? All things are aboutJesus, Homer, except this.

Your son has been working in a burlesque house.

Principal Skinner saw him with his own eyes.

That's true, but I was only in there to get directions on how to get away from there.

Helen, as a responsible parent, I was already well aware of that.

Homer, I'm as permissive as the next parent.

I mean, just yesterday, I let Todd buy some Red Hots with a cartoon devil on the box but you can't possibly think it's appropriate for your 10-year-old son to work in a burlesque house! Oh, no? Well, if Homer Simpson wants his then Homer Simpson's 10-year-old son is going to work in a burlesque house! That's the- [Laughs] Hi! Now, Marge, you're gonna hear a lot of crazy talk about Bart working in a burlesque house.

"Maison Derriere"? I can't believe there's a place like that in our wholesome little town.

Homer, did you know it was a burlesque house when you sent Bart to work there? No, I only learned that four days ago.

What were you thinking, sending Bart to such an awful place? I was trying to punish him exactly like you would.

So, in a way, you really dropped the ball on this one.

This is your mess, and I'll be damned if I'm gonna clean it up.

- [Groans] - Please come in, Mrs.


How can I be of service? I have a favor to ask.

Please shut this place down and move away from Springfield.

Oh, honey, you can't be serious.

Springfield doesn't want places like this.

- I think I know what Springfield wants, sugar.

- Oh? - I've lived in this town for 37 years.

- I've lived here 52 years.

- I'm third generation.

- Sixth.

Get out of my town! Listen, darlin', we're just as much a part of Springfield as the church, the library or the crazy house.

- So I think I'll stay right here, neighbor.

- Is that so? Well, sleazy entertainment and raunchy jokes will never be as popular as sobriety and self-denial.

You're about to learn the two most dangerous words in the English language are "Marge Simpson.

" It's a light-pink '87 wagon.

And after visiting the area for, uh, the past two months I have determined it is not feasible to construct a super-train between Springfield and Aruba.

[All Groan] Next on the agenda is, uh the Citizens' Committee on Moral Hygiene.

[All Groan] I'm here to share my moral outrage.

But this time it's not about that giant inflatable Dos Equis bottle.

It's about a certain house in our town.

- What's wrong with this house? Is it the plumbin'? - No.

It's a house of ill fame.

A house of loose ethics.

Is there a building code violation? A drainage issue? A surveying error? The house is perfectly fine! - Well, then quit bad-mouthing the house! - Yeah, leave the house alone! Oh, geez! It's what's inside the house that's disgraceful.

Drinking, gambling and debauchery.

It's right under our noses- a secret house of burlesque.

- [All Gasp] - [Marge] That's right.

[Carl] That's- That's not good.

People, this is an issue that we, as a town, are strong enough to ignore.

Let us give no more scrutiny to this bawdy house and its small clientele of loyal perverts.

Oh, I'm afraid this problem goes far beyond Eugene and Rusty.

- [Both Chuckling] - Marge, if you please.

Julius! - Clancy! - [Chalmers] Skinner! - Seymour! - Mother.

- [Selma] Patty? - [Brandine] Cletus! Oh, uh, Barney.

- [Mrs.

Wiggum] Clancy! - Hey, come on! You did me twice! Smithers? My parents insisted I give it a try, sir.

[Woman] Mayor Quimby! Uh, well, that could be any mayor.

I rest my case.

Er, uh, well, eh, in light of these new facts of which I now realize I was largely aware, I must take action.

All in favor of demolishing our beloved burlesque house, raise your hands.

[Clears Throat] [Whispering] Are they talkin' about the bordello? No, the burlesque house.

So just keep your mouth shut.

[Crowd Chattering] No, there's no justice like angry-mob justice.

I'm gonna burn all the historic "memorabilias.

" - I'm gonna take me home a toilet.

- Well, there'd better be two.

[Doorbell Rings] - [Belle On Intercom] Who is it? - Uh, it's an angry mob, ma'am.

Could you step outside for a twinkle while we knock down your house? Just a minute.

Stand aside, you degenerate two-bit proprietress.

Don't you call me that.

I'm an entrepreneuse.

Oh, shut up! You're wasting valuable smashing time.

Dad, we can't let this happen to Belle.

Do something.

Don't you worry, Son.

My friends! Stop! Please, hurry.

- Sure, we could tear this house down- - [All Cheer] No, my friends! Stop! Let me finish.

We could tear it down but we'd be tearing down a part of ourselves.

[Singing] [Jazz] [Singing] [Singing] [All Singing] [Springs] [All Singing] [Springs] [Whistles] [Ends] - [Horn Honks] - [Belches] Well, I'm convinced.

The house stays.

This house- [Quoting Lyric] Here I come, everybody! [All Clamoring] What are you doing, Marge? Didn't you hear the song? No, I had to go rent the bulldozer.

Well, we all changed our minds.

Yeah, now we love the house.

And what about the sleaze and the depravity? It was a very convincing song, Marge.

- Mm-hmm, there were kicks and everything.

- Oh.

Can you sing it again? I'm sorry.

It really was one of those spur-of-the-moment-type things.

- Well, I also have a song to sing.

- [Bowstring Twangs] Don't make up your mind until you hear both songs.

[Clears Throat, Coughs] [Singing] [Crash] Uh, sorry.

Thanks a lot, Marge.

That was our only burlesque house.

I do love it when you drop by, Marge.

Next time, why don't we get together at your house? I'm so sorry.

How can we ever make this up to you? Oh, there's a way, Mom.

So, Twiggy, I hear you and your husband, Woody, just had a baby.

What did you name him? - Chip.

- [Rim Shot] Take it off! - All right, Dad.

You've been warned.

Let's go.

- Hey! - Come on.

- Easy.

[Jazz] [Ends] - [Murmuring] - Shh!