The Simpsons Episode Scripts

4F05 - Burns, Baby Burns

What a perfect outing for a beautiful autumn day.

I feel sorry for everyone cooped up inside watching the seventh game of the World Series.

Yeah, they won't learn anything about apples today.

And the Cider Mill operated continuously until1941 when its workers left to fight in the Second World War.

When they returned, the old girl was just as they'd left her only now, she was infested with thousands upon thousands of rats.

Man, that's gross.


And if you listen real carefully you can still hear them gnawing away at the apples and splashing in the toilets.

And that concludes this portion of the tour.

One of the most historically significant fruit presses in this part of the state is based on the German design but modified for the larger American apple.

Well, if God didn't make little green apples.

It's Homer Simpson.

How long have you been here? Twenty of the suckiest minutes of my life.

Sucking down the cider, eh? Hey, word to the wise: Season pass.

Pays for itself after the 16th visit.

Most people don't know the difference between apple cider and apple juice.

But I do.

Here's a little trick to help you remember.

If it's clear and yella, you've got juice there, fella.

If it's tangy and brown, you're in cider town.

Now, there's two exceptions, and it gets kind of - You can stay, but I'm leaving.

- If they're using late-season apples.

And of course, in Canada, the whole thing's flip-flopped.

Oh, my.

I better get you some cider.

Next to spring and winter, fall is my absolute favorite season.

Just look at all this beautiful foilage.

It's not "foilage," Mom.

It's "foliage.

" Foliage.

That's what I said.


It doesn't take a nuculer scientist to pronounce "foilage.

" Honestly, Smithers, I don't know why Harvard even bothers to show up.

They barely even won.

Their cheating was even more rampant than last year, sir.

Well, I say let Harvard have its football and academics.

Yale will always be first in gentlemanly club life.

Why, every friend I have, I made right here.

Hello, Burnsy, It's your old roomie, Dink.



- Nicely played, sir.

- Attention, passengers.

The train has been temporarily delayed because of a discarded couch on the tracks.

Looks like some sort of a couch.

This may take a while, Smithers.

Why don't you get drunk and stumble around for my amusement? I'll be a one-man conga line.


Thank God! Papa needs a new pair of everything.

Hey, how you doing? Welcome to scenic Waynesport.

And remember your visit with a googly-eyed walnut.

How about a googly-eyed rock? Some nice local squash candy? A stressed-out Pepsi bottle? Come on.

If this stuff is too nice for you, I've got some crap.

Hey, Casey Jones, where's this train headed? - Springfield - Yeah, yeah.

What state? I can honestly say that was the most fun I've ever had.

The mill, the history, all that gorgeous foliage.

I can't exscape Lisa, our little walking libary.

- Can't they get a pole for that sign? - That's a hitchhiker, Homer.

- Let's pick him up.

- No, what if he's crazy? And if he's not? Then we'd look like idiots.

- We're not picking him up.

- We are.

- There's not enough room.

- Yes I just don't think it's a good idea.

I think it's the best idea I've ever had.

We're picking up the weirdo, and that's final.

Hey, you folks are all right.

Man, it was rough getting a ride out there.

The only car that stopped was a hearse that thought I fell out.

It was rough, I tell you.

Careful of the apple pie on the seat.

Grampa, are you sitting on the pie? I sure hope so.

I'm looking for this guy.

Anybody know who he is? Sure, we know him.

That's Mr.


- He tried to kill our puppies.

- He sexually harassed me.

- He stole my fianc�e.

- He made fun of my weight.

Okay, so there's been a little friction.

Know his address? This guy's got more bread than a prison meatloaf.

He's rich, I tell you.

I never seen a place with a walk-in mailbox.

Hey, who am I talking to? - Yes? - Yeah Hi, my name is Larry.

I'm here to see Mr.


I hate to break it to you, Larry, but if Mr.

Burns wants to see a stranger he will observe him through a telescope.

- Now, if you - Smithers, what's going on? How dare you interrupt my lime rickey? - State your business.

- Well, jeez I'm a little nervous here.

What I'm trying to say is I'm You're what? Selling light bulbs? Worried about the whales? - Keen on Jesus? Out with it.

- Well, Mr.

Burns, I'm your son.

And I stepped on one of your peacocks.

You got a paper towel? It's true.

He is my son.

- Hey, now you're talking.

- Good God.

Pop, don't get me wrong, it's great to be here.

But how does a guy like you wind up with a son like me? Larry, my lad, I've gone over this story in my mind a million times.

It was 1941.

The No, '39.

My 25th Yale reunion.

Who should appear but the unrequited love of my college years Mimsie Bancroft.

Of course, by then, Mimsie had her share of wrinkles and a gray hair or two but my adoring eyes saw past those minor imperfections to her 21-year-old daughter, Lily.

I took Lily to the local cinematorium where our passions were inflamed by Clark Gable's reckless use of the word "damn.

" We sneaked into the nearby Peabody Museum.

There, under the smiling eyes of four stuffed Eskimos we expressed our love physically as was the style at the time.

Well, how do you like that, I have been in a museum.

- So, what happened with you and Ma? - There was a terrible scandal.

Lily's family forced her to give you up and bundled her off to a convent in the South Seas.

I never heard from her again.

But I prattle on.

Tell me everything about your life.

Oh, what's to tell? I was at the orphanage till I was 18.

Then I got my job at the souvenir stand.

Oh, and once, I saw a blimp.

Well, you must be tired.

Let me show you your room.

Oh, is this posh! Pop, nobody's ever been so nice to me.

Yes, yes.

All right.

Good to see you too.

Now then, in case you get bored, here's the playroom.

You can't just eat the orange and throw the peel away! A man's not a piece of fruit! This show was supposed to close last week! Close this show! Close it, I say.

Hey, don't worry about it.

You're all right.

Hey, you're that hitchhiker.

What are you doing here? Learning the family business.

I'm Larry Burns, the boss' son.


I don't wanna work.

I'm so lazy, I took lessons on a player piano.

Wow, that's really lazy.

Lazy? You're not kidding.

I'm like a rug on Valium.

I'm talking lazy.

So lazy.

And Larry and I have so much in common, Marge way more than you and me.

If I could be stranded on an island with anyone it would definitely be Larry.

I think we've heard enough about Larry Burns for one evening.

Why? It's not like anything interesting happened to anyone else today.

Hey, Pop, this crowd is pretty swanky.

I'm not gonna fit in here.

Nonsense, Larry.

Your blood is bluer than any of theirs.

Just give them a snootful of the old Burns charm.

Admiral Carstairs, I'd like you to meet my son, Larry.

Hey, skipper, good to meet you.

Where'd you start out, on the Merrimack? Hey, I should talk.

I hope I look that good when I'm 200.

Larry, please.

He's very sensitive about his age.

Oh, Monty.

This must be the son I've heard so much about.

Larry, you must meet our daughter, the debutante.

She came out last spring.

Put her back in! She's not done yet.

Smithers, there's something a bit odd about young Larry.

I can't quite put my finger on it.

Well, he is a bit rough around the edges, sir.

One might blame his truly heroic intake of cocktails.

Pull up a seat, Pop.

You too, Chuckles.

I mean, the food ain't great, but the portions are terrific.

Hey, I'm kidding.


Hey, give my regards to Mrs.


A total lack of refinement.

Smithers, send for the boys at Yale admissions.

Well, did you meet Larry? Oh, yes.

He made light of my weight problem then suggested my motto should be "semper fudge.

" At that point, he told me to "relax.

" - How were his test scores? - Let's just say this: He spelled "Yale" with a six.

I see.

Well, I You know, I just remembered it's time for my annual donation.

I wonder how much I should give.

Well, frankly, test scores like Larry's would call for a very generous contribution.

For example, a score of 400 would require a donation of new football uniforms.

Three hundred, a new dormitory.

And in Larry's case, we would need an international airport.

Yale could use an international airport, Mr.


Are you mad? I'm not made of airports! Get out! Summon my son at once.

It appears he's "gone drinkin'," sir.

Everybody, go nuts.

I'm buying! Hey, handsome, send the bill to my dad.

Okay, but the last guy who charged a drink to Burns turned up in a landfill.

Yeah, but it was worth it.

What does everybody in this burg have against my dad? He's a pussycat.

I tell you, he's a doll baby.

Come on over, I'll show you.

This is some party.

If it gets any livelier, a funeral's gonna break out.

Quiet, you, nobody likes a comedian.


Come on, Dad, we've got company.

Make with the yackety-yak yak.

Yackety-yak yak.

- You, food bag.

Do you have a son? - Yes, sir, I do.

Is he a constant disappointment? Does he bring home nitwits and make you talk? Oh, all the time.

Have you ever heard of Milhouse? He's a little wiener Fascinating.

Good night.

Dad, what's with you tonight? I mean, I'm getting frostbite over here.

I'll tell you what's with me.

The humiliation of having a coarse, boorish, ignoramus for a son.

I should go.

What's the matter, Pop? Don't you love me anymore? Jeez, Dad and I, we started out great.

Now it's falling apart like a Chinese motorcycle.

It's so unfair.

You're everything a dad could hope for.


I tell you, I don't get no regard.

No regard at all.

No esteem, either.

Larry, there's only one sure way to make him realize how much he loves you and that is a phony kidnapping.

Yeah, right.

I don't know, maybe I should just leave town.

Phony kidnapping.

No, I know what I gotta do.

I gotta clean up my act.

No more joking around all the time.

No more slacking off at work.

And most important, no more booze! I know I can do it.

"Your son has been kidnapped.

" I can't believe someone would kidnap my Larry.

I won't rest until he's returned.

Not to be impertinent, but didn't you want Larry out of your life as recently as two hours ago? It's the principle, Smithers.

Nobody steals from Montgomery Burns whether it be my Sunday newspaper or my loutish oaf of a son! All right, Mr.


, when the kidnappers call with the ransom demand you tell them you'll leave the money under the big net in the park.

And then down comes the net, right, chief? Hey, I like it! I like it a lot! What are you doing in the basement? It's like you're hiding out here.

Hiding out? Marge, you've been reading too many hideout books.

What's that hitchhiker doing here? Is every drifter we meet going to move in with us? Of course not.

We'll decide that on a drifter-by-drifter basis.

He's not a drifter, Mom.

That's Mr.

Burns' son, Larry.

He's great at pointing out everyone's foibles.

Hey! How are you doing? Look at your hair.

What happened, saw yourself in a mirror? He's kidding, Mom.

But seriously, I'd love to have hair like yours.

- I just can't get the zoning permits.

- That reminds me, Mom.

Buckingham Palace called.

They want their hat back.

Hey, kids, how about a hand for your mom, she's all right.

- Yeah, Mom! - All right, Mom! Yeah, thank you.

Ahoy, hoy? Hello, Mr.


This is the kidnapper.

Do you miss your son? Yes, I'm missing one son.

Return it immediately.

If you really love Larry, prove it and you can have him back today.

How much proof do you need? Five thousand, 6000? I swear, that's all I've got.

Don't you care about your son? This is more important than money.

More important than money? Who is this? Just a second! Beautiful.

Eddie, did you trace the phone number? - Sure did, chief.

- 555 Jeez, that's gotta be phony.

Hey, I think I got a Pai Gow! I hate Pai Gow! Can't we just play Conquian? - Can't we just go upstairs? - No! This is Kent Brockman in Chopper Copter 6 with a special report.

Montgomery Burns ' son has been kidnapped.

- Kidnapped? - Marge, it's not a real kidnapping.

It's a simple hoax to win a father's love.

- You know how I feel about hoaxes.

- Still? I want you to take Larry back to Mr.

Burns before you get in a lot of trouble.

- What? But Marge, it's broad daylight, and there's cops everywhere.

No excuses, just do it.

We'll bring you updates just as soon as they Wait a minute! There they are, Larry Burns and his kidnapper! Appearing in broad daylight, with police everywhere.

Ladies and gentlemen, there's only one word for that: Idiocy.

Oh, we gotta find someplace to hide.

The abandoned warehouse! Stupid economic recovery.

Hey, buy a costume or get out, fellas.

We gotta find someplace no one will ever go.


Drive faster, Grandma! Grandma 's gaining on us! They'll never look for us here.


This place is emptier than a Scottish pay toilet.

Some people are trying to watch the movie.

You don't like it, call a cop.

This is Kent Brockman live from the Aztec Theater where kidnapper Homer Simpson and hostage Larry Burns are inside, talking loudly.

Give yourself up, Homie.

No, Dad, shoot your way out! A bloody end for Homer Simpson is one of several possible outcomes, according to our computer simulation.

Here's how it would look if the police killed him with a barrage of baseballs.

We've gotta go down there and help Dad.

Stop it! Still warm.

They can't be far.

Chief! Don't be a fool, Simpson.

- Let the kid go.

- The negotiations have failed.

Shoot him.

- Wait! - Wait? What do you mean, wait? I mean, Homer's no kidnapper.

Why, he's the best friend I ever had.

We faked the whole thing.

I should've known you're the only one stupid enough to kidnap you! Get down here so I can spank you in front of this gawking rabble.

- Smithers, take off my belt.

- With pleasure, sir.

Hold on, Mr.


Maybe we did fake a kidnapping, but is that really such a crime? All your son wanted was a little attention, a little love.

I'm a father myself, sir.

And sure, sometimes my kids can be obnoxious or boring or stinky.

But they can always count on one thing: Their father's unconditional love.

So how about it, Pop? I know it's tough, but can you love me for what I am? Well There, there, sonny boy.

I suppose I have been a bit Oh, no, I can't do it.

It's just not me.

I'm sorry, Larry.

I can't be the family that you need.

That's okay.

I got a wife and kids.

That reminds me, they're probably wondering where I went.

I told them I'm going for coffee.

That was a week ago.

Well, son, delighted to have met you.

It's good to know that there's another kidney out there for me.

You got it, Pop.

Just let me run a few pints through it first.

As long as everybody's here let's party! - Yeah! Who's playing that music? And where is all that liquor coming from? Well, it's a party, Marge.

It doesn't have to make sense.

Oh, yeah!