The Simpsons Episode Scripts

4F21 - The Secret War of Lisa Simpson

[Chorus Singing] [Tires Screeching] D'oh! [Screams] [All Yell] Hello? Hello! - We're here for the field trip.

- [Siren Wailing, Brakes Squeak] - [Grunting] - [Razor Buzzing] Sorry.


Boy, it's getting harder and harder to make it here by 10:00.

[Clears Throat] We'll start the tour in a second.

- I've just gotta check the answering machine.

- [Beeping] Oh, can't anybody in this town take the law into their own hands? [Beeps] Gather round, kids.

We're about to enter the museum.

- [Kids Groaning] - Oh, man.

- Of crime.

- [Cheering] Now, what I am about to show you next may shock and educate you.

Hold on to your values as we step through the looking glass.

- into a hippie pot party.

- [Rock] WhileJohnny Welfare plays acid rock on a stolen guitar his old lady has a better idea.

- [All Gasp] - That's right.

She's got the "munchies" for a California cheeseburger.

[Projector Clacking] [Man On Film] So, the next time you're walking on the beach enjoying an hourglass or making cheap, low-grade windshields think where we'd be without sand.

[Chorus Singing] [Trumpet] Okay, that was the sand movie.

Now, it'll just take me a second to set up our next movie.

Uh, Miss Hoover, movies are a nice break but couldn't we be doing something a little more challenging? Probably.

[Fanfare] [Man Narrating] The moon.

For several years, she has fascinated many.

But will man ever walk on her fertile surface? Democratic hopeful Adlai Stevenson says so.

I have no objection to man walking on the moon.

[Narrator] By 1964, experts say man will have established 12 colonies on the moon ideal for family vacations.

Once there, you'll weigh only a small percentage of what you weigh on Earth.

Slow down, tubby.

You're not on the moon yet.

The moon belongs to America and anxiously awaits the arrival of our astro-men.

Will you be among them? [Film Flapping] Miss Hoover, the movie's over.

Where's Miss Hoover? Hey, her car's gone.

Maybe she drove to the moon.

It's not my nature to complain, but so far today we've had three movies, two filmstrips and an hour and a half of magazine time.

[Scoffs] I just don't feel challenged.

Of course we could make things more challenging, Lisa but then the stupider students would be in here complaining furrowing their brows in a vain attempt to understand the situation.

[Groaning] We're now in the communications room, or the comm room.

- [Police Radio Chatter] - Uh, this is a police radio the single most important piece of equipment in the comm room.

As you can see, some of the boys like to put their banana stickers all over it.

Uh, there's Chiquita.

That's Del Monte.

There's a Banan Co.

- Gorilla's Choice.

- [All] Hmm.

Now, uh, everyone follow me to my chair where I just need to get off of my feet for a few minutes.

- [Chair Squeaks] - [Wiggum Sighs] Oh, I won't be getting up soon.

[Amplified] Testing.

[Louder] Testing.





[Chuckles] [Buzzing] [Echoing] Testing.

[Squawking] Testing! Testing! [Bart's Voice Echoing] Testing.


[Muffled Yells] - [Bart's Voice Echoing] Testing.


- [Yelps] - [Screams] - [High-pitched Ringing] - [Ringing Continues] - You've really done it this time, Bart! You're in for the punishment of a lifetime! When do you expect the ringing will stop? In about 10 to 15 seconds! - I certainly hope so! - [Ringing Stops] [Gasps] That's better.

Now, about your punishment, young man.

I know.

I'll go to my room and think about what I did.

Oh, no, your room is full of toys.

- You're going to the, uh, garage.

- You're the boss.

I tell you, Chief.

I just don't know what we're going to do with him.

- You know, you do have options.

- [Lawn Mower Humming] For example, there are behavior-modifying drugs.

How wedded are you to the Bart you know? - Not very.

- No! No drugs.

Bart just needs a little discipline.

Uh, hey, what about military school? It set my brother straight.

Now he owns and operates a famous cave.

Hmm, you know, maybe Chief Wiggum is right.

Military school is a good idea.

[Lawn Mower Humming] [Siren Blares] Wow! I can't believe we're going to Disneyland.

Hey, where's all your luggage? - [Tires Squeal] - [Cheering] You dream about this day for so long.

Then when it comes, you don't know what to say.

- Shh.

Edna, your tears say more than words ever could.

- [Glasses Clink] [Choking] Military school? You lied to me! Well, I'm sorry if you heard Disneyland but I distinctly said military school.

[Tires Squealing] And that's how we'll mold your boy into a productive member of society through an intensive program of push-ups and formation marching.

Well, it certainly was nice of you to accept Bart in the middle of a semester.

Fortunately, we've had a couple of recent freak-outs so that freed up a couple of bunks.

- Freak-outs? - lf, uh, that happens are we still charged for the entire semester? Our high standards challenge students to reach their full potential.

Look at how disciplined they are.

They're just like the terra-cotta warriors of Xi'an.

They sure are.

[Groaning] That's not so disciplined.

- They're just children, Mr.


- [Scoffs] I guess.

"Truth is beauty, beauty, truth," sir.

[Gasps] They're discussing poetry.

Oh, we never do that at my school.

But the truth can be harsh and disturbing.

How can that be considered beautiful? Oh, he sure sucked the fun out of that poem.

Please don't make me stay, Dad.

I'll do anything you say.

- I'll find religion.

I'll be good sometimes.

- Let go of my leg.

- No! - Son, for the last time you're staying at military school.

- And so am I.

- [Homer, Marge Gasp] This school has everything I ever wanted.

Lisa, no! This place is just a jail for children.

No jail can hold me.

[Siren Blares] All right.

Let's go over this one more time just to make sure I understand the situation.

[Clears Throat] - You're a girl.

- Yes.

Oh, gosh darn it.

I just don't understand the situation.

[Clears Throat] You're a girl? All I want is a chance to prove myself.


In our 185 years, we have never had a female cadet.

Um, but that seems to be the way the wind is blowing these days.

After all, we have female singers female motorists.

[Groans] Welcome aboard.

Lisa, if you ever wanna quit and come home I'll be here in half a jiff.

I wanna quit and come home.

I wanna quit and come home.

Oh, honey, I heard you the first time.

[Kisses] [Tires Squeal] Atten-hut! Gentlemen, we now have a girl cadet among our ranks so we're gonna have to make a few changes.

First of all, Franklin, you are no longer the girliest cadet here.

[Feminine] Well, we'll see about that.

Second, this is now the girls' barracks.

So pack your things.

You're moving in with Company "L.

" Company "L '"? But they smell.

Yes, we've all heard the chant.

Now fall out! Sorry.


I know we'll be friends.

[Whimpers] Talk about getting off on the wrong foot.

[Chuckles] Ooh.

I can't believe they let a girl in.

Don't worry.

We'll drive her out of the academy.

That is why God created hazing.

- [Thunder Rumbling] - [Chattering] - [Grunting] - Get in there.

- Harder.


Come on.


- [Coughing] What's the matter? Don't girls like doing push-ups in the mud? Is there any answer I can give that won't result in more push-ups? [Murmuring] No.

Hey, look.

It's the school motto.

"I'll die before I surrender, Tim.

" Who's Tim? Apparently Tim was somebody who was with the general moments before he was shot in the head.

Cleaning graffiti off a statue makes a mockery of everything I stand for.

I don't think I can survive here, Lise.

That's how they want you to feel.

But if you just hang in there, they'll eventually accept you.

Get to work! I wanna see my face in that horse's ass! Okay, that's long enough.

Let's see how they're doing.

[Both Screaming] - Had enough? - [Both Groaning] What say you, men? Has this lowly maggot passed the test? - [All Cheering] - Congratulations! You made it! Hey, what about me? I'm a lowly maggot.

[Gunfire] Well, since you attended public school I'm going to assume you're already proficient with small arms so we'll start you off with something a little more advanced.

[Chuckling] Four out of five, Simpson.


- But you missed your last target.

- Did I? Ha-ha! You're a born soldier, Simpson.

Too bad it doesn't run in your family.

Um, could someone help me? It's stuck on auto fire.

Platt, do you hear anything? - No! - [Gun Clicks] [Panting] Maybe you should just learn to use this.

If there's a war, just blow on it and I'll come help you.

[Groaning] [Beeping] I am just calling home.

I am not asking to come home.

[Phone Ringing] Marge, you got that? - Marge! - [Whimpers] Hey, go on, boy.

Go get it.

Answer the phone.

D'oh! There's gotta be something on this thing for that thing.

- [Stops Ringing] - Ahh.

- Ohh.

- [Beeping] - [Phone Ringing] - Simpson.

- Hot diggity! I don't care if it's bad news.

Oh, Grampa, you're not busy, are you? Well, you're really asking two questions there.

The first one takes me back to 1934.

Admiral Byrd had just reached the Pole only hours ahead of the Three Stooges.

I guess he won the argument, but I walked away with the turnips.

The following morning, I resigned my commission in the Coast Guard.

The next thing I heard, there was civil war in Spain.

And that's everything that happened in my life right up to the time I got this phone call.


So, anything else you wanna talk about? Oh, I'm afraid I'd just be repeating myself, honey.

[Groans] Anyway, other people need to use the phone.

- [All] Mm-mmm.

- I've already talked to her for 20 damn minutes.

[Groans] Hmm? Oh! [Laughing, Chattering] - [Boy] You're all right.

- Shh.

- What is it? - Bart, I got a cassette from Mom and Dad.

I thought we could listen to it together.

Oh, gee, Lise, I'd love to, but this really isn't a good time.

- Bart, who you talking to? - Uh- Lisa.

You're talking to Lisa.

I'm talking to no one.

All right.

Lights out! - [Stubs Foot] - Aah! Damn it.

Lights on! Lights on! Lights out.

Lights out.

[Marge On Tape] Don't worry, sweetie.

It's very common to be homesick when you're so far away from the people who love you.

Okay, I'm not gonna give up.

Solitude never hurt anyone.

Emily Dickinson lived alone and she wrote some of the most beautiful poetry the world has ever known.

[Whimpers] Then went crazy as a loon.

[Tape Rewinding] [Marge On Tape Singing] [Singing Continues] I'm sorry I froze you out, Lise.

I just didn't want the guys to think I'd gone soft on the girl issue.

[Groans] I'm tired of being an issue, Bart.

Maybe everyone would be better off if I just quit.

But if you quit, it'd be like an expert knot-tier quitting a knot-tying contest right in the middle of tying a knot.

- Why'd you say that? - I don't know.

I was just looking at my shoelaces.

Look, the point is, you're gonna make it, Lise, and I'm gonna stick by you.

Don't do that.

Why should we both be outcasts? Then I'll just stick by you in secret.

Like a sock maker working on a top secret sock- Will you stop looking at your feet? Well, cadets, it's been a great year.

You've all worked very hard, developing academic skills and general killing skills.

My killing teacher says I'm a natural.

But these skills are nothing without courage and stamina.

Traditionally, the academy tested these virtues by pitting you against each other in a two-day battle royale.

- [All Gasp] - That was prior to 1957.

Thank you very much, state supreme court.

Consequently now, no cadet can receive a passing grade for the academic year without first conquering this.

Meet the Eliminator.

That's a 150-foot hand-over-hand crawl across a 60-gauge hemp-jute line with a blister factor of 12.

The rope is suspended a full 40 feet over a solid British acre of old-growth Connecticut Valley thorn bushes.

Gentlemen, welcome to flavor country.

This wasn't in the brochure.

[Chattering] [Boy] Hey, Bart, come on over here.

There's plenty of room.

"Meet me at the Eliminator after lights out.



The cadets are planning to throw their meatballs at you.

" [Groans] [Grunting] That's it, Lise.

Now start crawling.

[Grunting] It's too hard.

My hand is slipping.

[Screams] I can't do this, Bart.

I'm not strong enough.

I thought you came here looking for a challenge.

Duh! A challenge I could do.

It was worth sneaking into town.

That was some good corn.


Uh, hey, Simpson, what are you doing out here? - Nothin'.

- Nothin'? Doesn't look like nothin'.

Oh, yeah? Well, um, what are you doing out here? Uh also nothin'.

Well, okay.

- Okay.

- Then carry on.

All right, we will.

[Sighs] That was close.

- Bees.

- [Buzzing] - Bees.

- Bees? [Screams] - [Lisa Screams] - [Thud] Gentlemen, I regret to inform you that the state supreme court has determined that forcing cadets to cross the Eliminator is a barbaric and malicious practice.

- Yes! - Hence you will be the last class to be subjected to it.

Anderson, you're up.

[Yelling] [Bart Straining] Son of a- [Straining] Geez! [Sighs] Good job, Simpson.

Although that's more cursing than I like to hear from a cadet in peacetime.

[All Congratulating] Last up- Simpson, Lisa! [Jeering] What's the matter? Are you scared? Are you scared, huh? Well, at least they're talking to me.

- [Gasps] - [Bird Squawks] [Straining] - Whoa! - [Gasps] If only I were in Springfield, all my friends would be cheering me on.

Oh, God, I'm delirious.

- [Screams] - [Jeering] [Straining] [Chanting] Drop! Drop! Drop! You can make it, Lisa.

I know you can! Come on.

I know you can do it.

Just get your hands back on the rope.

It's just a little further.

Come on.

Just a little bit more.

You're doing great.

That's it.

Come on.

Just a little bit more.

I know you can do it.

I believe in you.

[Straining] Yes! You thought I couldn't, but I could.

I did.

And I could do it again.

Let's do it again! Lisa, it's over.

You made it.

You can put your arms down.

I can't.

They're stuck.

We're gonna make your life a living hell for the rest of the semester.

But graduation's in three hours.

We better go change.

- [Fanfare] - The wars of the future will not be fought on a battlefield or at sea.

They will be fought in space.

Or possibly on top of a very tall mountain.

In either case, most of the actual fighting will be done by small robots.

And as you go forth today, remember always your duty is clear- To build and maintain those robots.

Thank you.

[Cheering] Well, Bart, did you make sure to return all the guns? Sir, yes, sir! Luckily I am now trained in six additional forms of unarmed combat, sir! Well, he's got more confidence.

Uh, yeah.

I've always said the boy could use more confidence.

Lisa, before you go I want to present you with this.

A medal? Thank you, sir.

[Grunts] "For satisfactory completion of the second grade.

" Oh.

Well, kids, we're so proud of the way you completed military school we thought this time we'd take you to Disneyland for real.

[Both] Yea! [Both] Hey! [Homer, Marge Laughing] - [People Chattering] - Shh!