The Simpsons Episode Scripts

4F20 - The Simpsons Spin-off Showcase

Spin-off! Is there any word more thrilling to the human soul? Hi, I'm Troy McClure.

You may remember me from such TV spin-offs as Son of Sanford and Son and After Mannix.

I'm here at the Museum ofTV and Television with a real treat for Simpsons fans, if any because tonight we present The Simpsons Spin-Off Showcase.

- [Theme] - [Applause] Not long ago, the Fox network approached the producers of The Simpsons with a simple request- in their programming lineup.

That's a pretty daunting task.

And the producers weren't up to it.

Instead, they churned out three Simpsons spin-offs transplanting already popular characters into new locales and situations.

First up, a gritty crime drama starring Springfield's beloved Police Chief Wiggum.

Keep at least one eye open.

'Cause his best friends, the Simpsons, just might pop in to wish him luck.

Let's us wish him luck too.

Good luck, Wiggum! [Theme] Ah, New Orleans.

The Big Easy.

Sweet Lady Gumbo.

Old Swampy.

I still don't understand, Clancy.

Why give up your job as a small-town police chief to set up a detective shop in New Orleans? Oh, lots of reasons, I suppose.

Got kicked off the force for one thing.

- For massive corruption.

- For massive- Exactly.


As for me, I was born and bred here on the mean streets of New Orleans.

Oh, sure, I left briefly to take that principal's job in Springfield.

But, in my heart, I've- I've always been a small-time hustler.

I know.

That's precisely why I hired you as my legman, Skinny Boy.

I want you to put the word out.

Chief Wiggum is here to clean up this crime dump.

Bleh! Looks like you've already got an enemy, Chief.

You know, folks around here don't much care for law and order types.

Is that right? Well, maybe they'll change their minds once I arrest them for throwing skulls all over my floor.


Oh, man, what a day.

It's no cakewalk being a single parent juggling a career and a family like so many juggling balls.

- Two, I suppose.

- Daddy, these rubber pants are hot.

You wear 'em until you learn, Son.

- I guarantee! - Will you stop saying that? So, Skinner, who do you figure threw that skull through my window? What's the word on the street? Well, to be honest, Chief, I haven't lived in New Orleans for 42 years.

Although, uh, according to an article I read in Parade magazine- - Mm-hmm.

- a criminal by the name of "Big Daddy" runs this town.

Big Daddy, eh? Well, he won't feel so big if he messes with Chief Wiggum, P.



Which I sincerely doubt he will.

[Snoring] [Giggling] Hey! Oh, God! [Grunting] Lucky for you this was just a warning gator.

The next one won't be corked.

Listen up, Big Daddy! You don't scare me! I'm three steps ahead of you! - [Skinner] Oh, Chief, your boy's been kidnapped.

- Oh, God! Big Daddy's trademark calling card.

- See? It's right here inside the skull.

- [Rattling] Looks like we've got our first case ever, Skinny Boy.

And this time, it's personal.

[Announcer] Chief Wiggum P.


will return right now.

[Rings] - Who is this? - It's me, Chief.

I'm on the other extension.

Now you listen up, mon ami, and you listen good, yeah? The name's Daddy.

Charles Daddy.

Big Daddy! What have you done with my boy, Daddy? Ah, the boy is fine, so far.

I taught him to play the spoons.

- [Clinking] - If you ever want to see that boy again I suggest you leave town today, hear? - [Dial Tone] - Huh.

Sounded like some sort of party going on in the background.

Are there any parties today, Skinner? Nah, it's not really a party town.

Though, if I remember correctly they occasionally hold a function called Mardi-something.

- [Cheering] - [Jazz] [Continues] - Aah.

- [Sinister Laughing] - [Screams] - [Laughing] Huh? Well, if it isn't my old friends from Springfield, the Simpsons! - What brings you folks to New Orleans? - Mardi Gras, man.

When The Big Easy calls, you gotta accept the charges.

Chief Wiggum, I can't wait to hear about all the exciting, sexy adventures you're sure to have against this colorful backdrop.

Well, golly, I'd love to chat, but my son's been kidnapped.

You haven't seen him, have you? Caucasian male between the ages of six and 10, thinning hair.

Over there.

Look, Big Daddy, it's regular Daddy.

The chief! Ooh, I suppose I'd best to run! Lord have mercy, I wish I weren't so fat.

[Grunting] Police business! Hang on, Son.

I'm coming- Ow! Ow! Gee, my tongue.

[Screaming] Ha, ha! Na, na! [Whistles] What do you suppose the rent is on a hideout like that? Ah, it's not rented, Chief.

It's stolen.

That's the Louisiana Governor's Mansion.

It's been missing for eight months.

[Gasps] You! Welcome to ma maison, Chief.

I've been expecting you.

Is that so, Big Daddy? Well, expect this! The arrest of you by me.

Mes chers, New Orleans is my town.

Won't nobody gonna mess with me.

I got interests.

And I ain't talking about stamp collecting.

Though, I do find that extremely interesting.

Oh, yeah? Well, that makes two of us.

You know, boys - there is an old saying down on the bayou that, uh- - Whee! He's gradually getting away, Chief.

Ah, let him go.

I have a feeling we'll meet again each and every week always in more sexy and exciting ways.

Daddy, when I grow up, I want to be just like you.

Better start eating, kid.

- Start eating? - [All Laughing] I didn't mean it that way.

Oh, hi.

Welcome back to our Spin-Off Showcase.

Could The Simpsons ever have maintained its popularity without Moe the bartender? Let's hope so, because Moe's leaving to do his own sitcom.

But don't panic.

He's taking a familiar sidekick with him.

And his best friend Homer might just pop in to wish him luck.

Let's take a peek.

Well-Ahh- I better go.

I got a date with that lady in front of the drug store who's always yelling things.

She told me she was washing her hair tonight.

- [Sighs] I'm so desperately lonely.

- [Audience Laughing] - [Grampa] Oh, quit your bellyaching, you big loser! - Wh-Who said that? I did! It's me, Abe Simpson! But you're d-d-d-dead.

I was.

But I've come back as your love testing machine.

- I'm The Love-Matic Grampa! - [Screams] [Singing] [Continues] [Ends] Don't be afraid, Moe.

I'm here to help you with your romantic problems.

Hey, I don't need no advice from no pinball machine.

I'll have you know I wrote the book on love.

Yeah, All Quiet on the Western Front.

[Audience Oohs] - Ah, kiss my dishrag.

- [Audience Laughing] See? That's your problem.

You're a crab.

Ladies like sweet-talkers.

Hey, I'm sweet.

I'm sweeter than Jewish wine.

Then prove it! I want you to charm the next pretty young thing that walks through that door.

Mmm, greetings! [Audience Laughing, Cheering, Applauding] Son, it's me.

I floated up toward heaven but got lost along the way.

[Gasps] Dad, is that really you? Darn tootin', you lousy fink! You buried me naked and sold my suit to buy a ping-pong table! - What kind of a son- - [Electricity Crackles] - Call me when you get a karaoke machine.

- [Audience Laughing] - [Whirs] - That's the second time he pulled the plug on me.

- [Footsteps Approaching] - I was just in a car accident.

Can I use your phone? - Uh, using the phone's a four-drink minimum.

- Uh-uh! What's the matter? I'm making as nice as I can.

Test lady.

Test lady.

Go ahead, give it a try.

It goes by how clammy your hands are.

Well, I suppose I could use a laugh after that accident.

[Dinging] Lovelorn.

You need man.

Moe near now.

Go near Moe.

- What? - "Go near Moe.

" I'd say that's a pretty strong endorsement.

So how about you and me go out sometime? You know, out back? - [Imitates Buzzer] - I mean, uh, out to dinner at a fancy French restaurant? - Bing! - Sounds great.

And if this Love Tester is as accurate as it looks maybe we'll be having breakfast too.

- [Audience Cheering] - You did it, Grampa! You really are a love expert! Dang right.

Fact is, I invented kissing.

It was during World War I, and they were looking for a new way to spread germs.

[Chattering] [Audience Laughing] Sorry, Grampa.

But I gotta stash you in the bathroom so Betty won't get wise to us.

- [Whirs] - This is not the evening I envisioned.

Whoa! She just got here.

Give me some advice, quick.

Uh, you know, just be sweet.

Pour on the honey, you know.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, romantic.

Uh, ain't sunshine pretty? Ain't flowers stupid? I gotcha.

[Sighs] I've suffered so long.

Why can't I die? You know what's great about you, Betty, is you're letting your looks go gracefully.

You're not all hung up on looking attractive and desirable.

l-It's just so rare and refreshing.

So, Moe, tell me a little about yourself.


Uh, geez.

Um, I gotta go to the can again.

- Huh? - I got the runs.

[Grunting] Hey, get away from that! Leave him alone! - It said I was gay! - [Audience Laughing] - You all right, Grampa? - [Singing Slowly] [Ends] Will you quit your clowning? I need help here.

- [Clanking] - Ohh! Tell her her rump's as big as the queen's - and twice as fragrant! - Okay.

- You are absolutely, positively the dumbest - [Audience Laughing] haunted Love Tester that I have ever met! [Gasps] What is going on in here? Um, uh, oh, uh, I might as well come clean with ya.

I ain't too good at talking to women, and I really wanted to do ya so I brought along the Love Tester to help me.

As you may have guessed, it's inhabited by the ghost of my friend's dead father.

Why, you conniving, devious monstrous, despicable, sweet little angel.

But, Betty, it you'd just give me a chance-What? I can't believe you went to all that trouble for me.

[Audience Oohing, Whistling] Ding, ding, ding, ding! - [Both Laughing] - [Together] Thanks, Grampa.

Yeah, yeah.

Now how's about introducing me to that cute little pay phone out front? - [Both Laughing] - [Audience Laughing, Applauding] He's horny.

[Singing] [Ends] Welcome back.

I'm talking with the curator of the museum ofTV and Television, Mr.

John Winslow.

In our final spin-off tonight the Simpson family finally gets the chance to show off the full range of their talents.

Unfortunately, one family member didn't want that chance and refused to participate.

But thanks to some creative casting, you won't even notice.

Show us what you got, TV.

Live from Radio City Music Room in downtown Springfield it's The Simpson Family Smile-Time Variety Hour.

Featuring the Waylon Smithers Dancers and the Springfield Baggy Pants Players.

And now, a family that doesn't know the meaning of the word "canceled' - the Simpsons! - [Cheering, Applauding] [Singing] Roll call! Remember me? My name is Marge.

The TV mom whose hair is large.

[Sucking] Step back, Mom.

It's Bart's turn now.

Eat my shorts.

Don't have a cow.

I'm Lisa, peppy, blonde and stunning.

Sophomore prom queen five years running.

Go, Lisa! Wait a minute! Whoa, whoa! [Whistles] - Stop the music! Where's Dad? - [Stops] Hmm.

- Here he is! - I'm hiding from th-th-the ghost! - Ghost? What ghost? - B-B-Before the show you said we were having a special "ghost" tonight.

I said we were having a special "guest" tonight.


Tim Conway! [Applauding] - What's a Tim Conway? - Oh, about a 120 pounds.

[Audience Laughing] [Singing] - [Ends] - [Applauding] You know, Homer, we've all been busy as beavers preparing for our very own show.

Marge, have you ever imagined what it would be like if we really were beavers? Yes! And it might look something like this.

- Honey, I'm home! - [Audience Cheering, Applauding] Hello, dear.

How was work at the plant? It's not a plant, Marge, it's a tree.

And I've nearly chewed through it.

Now, remember, my new boss is coming home for dinner tonight.

I know.

And I made your favorite- "stakes!" [Audience Groans] Hey, would you two close the "dam" door? - Bart! - But that's where we live.

A dam.

Look, everybody.

Maggie got her first tooth.

- [All Laughing] - [Audience Ohh's] Okay.

Now, before my boss comes - there's something important you should know.

- [Doorbell Rings] - In a minute, Homie.

I have to get the door.

- But, Marge! [Gasps] [Audience Laughing] Oh, was it something I said? - Arr! Someone should be keelhauled for that one.

- [Ship's Horn Blows] I move that the last sketch be stricken from the record.

Now bring in the next offender.

Inflation, trade deficit, horrible war atrocities.

How are we supposed to do our big musical number with so many problems in the world? Well, I know one thing in this world that's still pure and good.

- Christian love? - No.

Candy! Sweet, sweet candy! [Rock] [Singing] But don't you want to end world famine? [Singing] Or save the endangered Alaskan salmon? [Singing] Well, if you won't think of society's ills [Singing] at least think of our dentist bills.

[Rock And Roll] [Singing] [End] [Singing] [Ends] Ow! - [New Wave] - [Singing] [Ends] [Groans] [Rock] [Singing] [Ends] - [Applause, Cheering] - [All Panting] A poem by Hans Moleman.

I think that I shall never see.

My cataracts are blinding me.

- And they thought I stunk.

- [Toots] Well, it's time to say good night.

I wish our special guest, Tim Conway, didn't have to leave so soon.

I'm still here.

Fox wouldn't spring for a decent hotel room.

[All Laughing] [Laughing] He's just kidding.

We'd like to thank Fox and the good people at Budget Lodge.

Well, that's all the time we have.

So this is the Simpson family saying, "As you walk down that road of life"- - Hitchhike.

It's faster.

- [All] Bart! We're like this all the time.

[Together] Good night, everybody! [Cheering, Applauding] That's it for our Spin-off Showcase.

But what about the show that started it all? How do you keep The Simpsons fresh and funny after eight long years? Well, here's what's on tap for season nine.

Magic powers! Wedding after wedding after wedding.

And did someone say long-lost triplets? Sojoin America's favorite TVfamily and a tiny green space alien named Osmodiar that only Homer can see on Fox this fall.

It'll be out of this world.

Right, Osmodiar? Damn straight, Troy, my man.

[Both] Good night, America! - [Theme] - [Applauding, Cheering] - [Theme] - [Applauding, Cheering] - [Murmuring] - Shh!