The Simpsons Episode Scripts

4F19 - Homer's Enemy

[Chorus Singing] [Tires Screeching] D'oh! [Screams] [Chuckling] Which, if true, means death for us all.

And now, "Kent's People.

" Tonight's inspiring story is about Frank Grimes a 35-year-old "Springfieldite" who has earned everything the hard way but never let adversity get him down.

Abandoned by his parents at age four Frank never got to go to school.

He spent his childhood years as a delivery boy delivering toys to more fortunate children.

Then, on his 1 (th birthday he was blown up in a silo explosion.

During his long recuperation, he taught himself to hear and feel pain again.

As the years passed, he used his few leisure moments each day to study science by mail.

And, last week, Frank Grimes the man who had to struggle for everything he ever got received his correspondence school diploma in nuclear physics- with a minor in determination.

- [Cawing] - [Grunting] That's the kind of man I need on my team, Smithers- [Sniffling] A real scrapper.

A self-made man, like me.

Bring this Grimes fellow to me.

I want to make him my executive vice president.

Yes, sir.

Smithers, I've just seen the most heroic dog on television.

He pulled a toddler from the path of a speeding car then pushed a criminal in front of it.

Find this dog.

I want to make him my executive vice president.

Uh, yes, sir.

In the meantime, here's Frank Grimes.

[Clears Throat] The self-made man? What? Oh, yes, that fellow.

Just put him somewhere out of the way.

And find that dog.

Yes, sir.

[Groans] Chair goes round.

Chair goes round.

Hey, Homer, you busy? - Yes.

- There's a new guy at the plant.

Maybe we ought to say hi to him.

I don't know.

I'm kind of dizzy.

I should probably go home sick.

Mmm- Hmm.


Mmm hmm.

- You new? - Yes.

My name is Frank Grimes.

I'm Lenny.

This is Carl and Homer.

- I'm Lenny.

- How do you do? Wow.

You've got pencils with your name on 'em.

Just like a pencil company executive.

I'd give anything for one of these.

Any office supply company can have 'em made up for you.

- Can I have this one? - No.

- Can Lenny have it? - No.

Oh, that's my degree in nuclear physics.

I'm sure you all have one.

Oh, yeah.

Carl and I each have a masters.

Of course, old Homer- He didn't need a degree.

- Hejust showed up the day they opened the plant.

- [Chuckles] I didn't even know what a nuclear "panner" plant was.

Um- [Chuckles] Yeah.

Well, listen.

I'm sure we all have a lot of work to do.

- Mm-mmm.

- Mm-mmm.

Hey, you seem like a great guy, so I'll give you a little tip.

If you turn that security camera around you can sleep and no one will ever know.

I don't think we're being paid to sleep.

Oh, yeah.

They're always trying to screw you.

[Groans] "Marge" is already taken? - Mmm, how about "Marjorie"? - [Typing] - Uh, sorry, ma'am.

- [Groans] Mmm, how about "Mitzi"? - [Typing] - Uh-uh.

Uh, you can have "Nitzi.

" - Hmm.


" - I'm out of here.

[Man] Ladies and gentlemen, our next lot is number 751.

How much am I bid for Item 751? 7-5-1? Nothing.

- No bids for item 751? - A buck.

I have a buck.

I have one dollar.

I have one dollar there.

[Babbling] Do I hear two? [Babbling] Sold- for a buck.


What'd I buy? Looks like my years of hard work have finally paid off.

[Chomping] Hiya, stretch.

What's the good word? My name is Grimes, Simpson, Frank Grimes.

I took the trouble to learn your name.

The least you can do is learn mine.

[Laughing] Okay, "Grimey.

" - Uh-You're eating my special dietetic lunch.

- Huh? - Uh- [Clears Throat] - [Laughs] Oh, I'm sorry.

The bag was clearly marked.

Please be more careful in the future.


[Humming] Mmm- [Groans] Simpson, do you know who chewed my- [Squeaking] [Groaning] - [Chittering] - Wow.

It's filthy- and it's mine.

[Chuckling] Whee! [Groans] So, how's it going, Grimey? l-I'd appreciate it if you'd stay out of my office, Simpson.

[Chuckles] I wish I had a nickel for every time I heard that.

[Humming] [Blows Raspberries] [Singing] So, what's new, Grimey? - [Alarm Blaring] - Simpson, you've got a 513.

No, a 513- In your procedures manual? A 513? [Alarm Continues] Look at your control panel.

Oh! A five 13.

I'll handle it.

- [Alarm Stops] - That got it.

[Whistles] Hey, Milhouse.

You want a job in my factory? You don't have a factory.

Hey, I'm a busy man.

You want a job or not? Okay! [Chomping] God, he eats like a pig.

I don't know.

Pigs tend to chew.

I'd say he eats more like a duck.

Well, some kind of farm animal anyway.

And earlier today I saw him asleep inside a radiation suit.

Can you imagine that? He was hanging from a coat hook.

[Chuckles] He had three beers at lunch.

That would make anybody sleepy.

I've never seen him do any work around here.

What is his job? - Safety inspector.

- That irresponsible oaf? A man who, by all rights, should have been killed dozens of times by now? Uh, 316 times, by my count.

That's the man who's in charge of our safety? It boggles the mind.

- It's best not to think about it.

- [Chomping] Ah! Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah! You idiot! You nearly drank a beaker full of sulfuric acid.

Acid, eh? Gee.

That would have been stupid.

[Laughs] Boy, would my face have been red.

Stop laughing, you imbecile.

Don't you realize how close you just came to killing yourself? Who did this to my wall? He did.

- Is this true? - [Stammering] l-Well- Technically, it is true, sir, but- Come with me.

He likes you.

[Dog Barking] [Burns] How dare you destroy my valuable wall and spill my priceless acid? Did you really think you were going to get away with it? - [Grimes] I wasn't- - Silence! I'm going to give you one more chance- at a reduced salary.

- So straighten up and fly right.

- But, sir, if I could- [Dog Barks, Growls] - Hi, Grimey, old buddy.

- I'm not your buddy, Simpson.

I don't like you.

In fact, I hate you.

Stay the hell away from me- Because from now on, we're enemies.


- Do I have to do anything? - [Groans] Oh, I can't believe it.

I got an enemy.

Me-The most beloved man in Springfield.

Aw, it's a weird world, Homer.

As hard as it is to believe, some people don't care for me neither.

No, I won't accept that.

No, it's true.

I got their names written down right here in what I call my, uh, enemies list.

"Jane Fonda, Daniel Schorr, Jack Anderson"- Hey! This is Richard Nixon's enemies list.

You just crossed out his name and put yours.

Yeah, okay, gimme that.

Gimme it back.

- "Barney Gumble.

" - [Groans] Oh, what'll I do, Moe? Why don't you invite him over to dinner- Turn him from an enemy into a friend? Then, when he's not expecting it- Bam! The old fork in the eye.

Do you think it might work without the fork in the eye? There's always a first time.

This dinner has to go absolutely perfect if Grimey and me are going to be friends.

Lisa, be perfect.

- Okay.

- Marge, perfect.

Bart, perfect.

Other kid, perfect.

I only have five lobsters.

Are you sure he's not bringing anyone with him? No.


He doesn't know he's coming to dinner.

I didn't think he'd come, so I said I have something really important to tell him - and that I could only tell him about it here.

- [Doorbell Rings] Oh! It's him! It's him, it's him.

It's him, it's him, it's him - it's him, it's him, it's him- - Calm down, Homer.

Calm down.

Answer the door.

[Taking Deep Breaths] Welcome to the Simpson residence or "Casa de Simpson," as I call it.

[Chuckles] What did you want to see me about, Simpson? This better be important.

It is, it is, but first let me introduce you to my family- My perfect family.

- This is my wife, Marge.

- Hello.

And our beautiful baby.

- My daughter Lisa- I.



- Hi.

- See? And my son Bart.

- [Clicks Tongue] He owns a factory downtown.

H-How do you do? Homer, I'm late for my night job at the foundry so if you don't mind telling me- Good heavens! Th-This is a palace! [Stammering] H- How in the world can you afford to live in a house like this, Simpson? I don't know.

Don't ask me how the economy works.

Yeah, but look at the size of this place.

I live in a single room above a bowling alley and below another bowling alley.

- Wow.

- I'm sorry.

Isn't that- Yeah, that's me, all right.

And the guy standing next to me is President Gerald Ford.

And this is when I was on tour with the Smashing Pumpkins.

Oh! And here's a picture of me in outer space.

You went into outer space? You? Sure.

You've never been? Would you like to see my Grammy award? No! I wouldn't.


I've had to work hard every day of my life and what do I have to show for it? This briefcase and this haircut.

And what do you have to show for your lifetime of sloth and ignorance? - What? - Everything! A dream house, two cars, a beautiful wife a son who owns a factory, fancy clothes and- [Sniffing] lobsters for dinner.

And do you deserve any of it? No! [Gasps] What are you saying? [Laughs] I'm saying you're what's wrong with America, Simpson.

You coast through life, you do as little as possible and you leach off decent, hard-working people- like me.

[Laughs] If you lived in any other country in the world - you'd have starved to death long ago.

- He's got you there, Dad.

You're a fraud-A total fraud.

It was nice meeting you.

[Door Slams] [All Groan] [Milhouse] Wow! Adding machines.

Industrial waste.

What should we do with all this stuff, Bart? I think we both know the answer to that.

- [Sighs] - [Pounding] Get to work! [Together] Wacky shack! Better be careful, Bart.

Look at those warning signs.

- Solve your problem, Milhouse? - Yep.

[Both Laughing] Hmm? Homer? Homer, why aren't you at work? The car won't start.

I don't feel very good today.

I am at work.

You're afraid to go to work because Frank Grimes will be there, aren't you? Well, that's crazy talk.

You're crazy, Marge.

- Get off the road! - [Honks] You'll have to face him sometime, and when you do I'm sure he'll be just as anxious to make up as you are.

- No, he won't.

He hates me.

- He doesn't hate you.

He just feels insecure because you're getting through life so easily - and it's been so difficult for him.

- Yeah! Yeah, that's his problem.

He's a nut.

It's not about me being lazy.

It's about him being a crazy nut.

Well, maybe- But I'll bet he would be less crazy if you were just a little more - mmm, professional in your work.

- [Gasps] Just a little more.

Then he won't have any reason to resent you.

I'll do it.

To professionalism.

Good morning, fellow employee.

You'll notice that I am now a model worker.

We should continue this conversation later during a designated break period.

Sincerely, Homer Simpson.

[Alarm Blaring] Can you believe that guy? He's in his office making a pathetic attempt to look professional.

- Hey, what do you got against Homer anyway? - Are you kidding? Does this whole plant have some disease where it can't see that he's an idiot? Look here.

Accidents have doubled every year since he became safety inspector.

And meltdowns have tripled.

Has he been fired? No.

Has he been disciplined? No, no.

Aw, everybody makes mistakes.

That's why they put erasers on pencils.

Yeah, Homer's okay.

Give him a break.

No! Homer is not okay- And I want everyone in this plant to realize it.

I would die a happy man if I could prove to you that Homer Simpson has the intelligence of a six-year-old.

- So.

How you doin'? - [Groans] Hmm? Oh, here we go.


Oh! "Design your own power plant," eh? This is my chance to show everyone how professional I am.

Lenny, tell Mr.

Burns I'm going home to work on the contest.

[Snickering] [Snickering Continues] Oh, God! [Power Tool Whining] [Homer Shouting, Indistinct] Ow! [Shouting] Can I go downstairs and see what Dad's doing? I wouldn't bother him, honey.

He's making some kind of model for a contest.

He says it's really high-tech stuff that we wouldn't understand.

Marge, do we have any elbow macaroni and glue-on sparkles? - [Pounding] - [Grunting] - [Whistling] - Oh, boy! Quittin' time! Just a minute, Van Houten.

Somebody needs to guard this place tonight so it doesn't get trashed.

- How'd you like to be night watchman? - But I'm sleepy.

Oh, no problemo.

Here's a nickel for the coffee machine.

[Squeaking] So this is my life.

At least I've done better than Dad.

[Whistling, Gasps] Aw, geez! Milhouse, how could you let this happen? You were supposed to be the night watchman.

I was watching.

I saw the whole thing.

First it started falling over, and then it fell over.


I wonder where all the rats are gonna go.

[Chittering] [Moe] Okay, everybody tuck your pants into your socks.

And the bold new ideas these tiny tykes unveil for us today could make thousands of jobs like yours obsolete.

[Scattered Applause] Our first little genius is Ralph Wiggum.

[Chuckles] It's pretty good, sir.

Hot tub, media room- It's supposed to be a power plant, not Aunt Beulah's bordello.

Thank you.

Get out.


[Wiggum] Uh, Ralphie, get off the stage, sweetheart.

Behold-The power plant of the future today.

[Groans] Too cold and sterile.

Where's the heart? But it really generates power.

It's lighting this room right now.

[Electronic Whine] You lose.

Get off my property.

Let's have the next child.

Look, everybody.

Simpson's in a contest with children.

- Hey, shh! - You're making us miss the contest.

Could you explain your model, young man? - What's to explain? He's an idiot! - [Lenny] Pipe down! Well, basically, I just copied the plant we have now.

- Hmm.

- Then I added some fins to lower wind resistance- And this racing stripe here, I feel is pretty sharp.


First prize.

- What? - Way to go, Homer.

- You're number one, Homer.

- But this was a contest for children! Yeah-And Homer beat their brains out.

[Cheers, Applause] I can't stand it any longer.

This whole plant is insane.

Insane, I tell you! [Stammers, Screams] [Whimpering] I can be lazy too.

Look at me.


I'm a worthless employee, just like Homer Simpson.

Give me a promotion.

Ooh, I eat like a slob, but nobody minds.

[Chomping] I'm peeing on the seat.

Give me a raise.

Now I'm returning to work without washing my hands- But it doesn't matter, because I'm Homer Simpson.

I don't need to do my work, 'cause someone else will do it for me.

D'oh, d'oh, d'oh.

- Hey, you okay, Grimey? - I'm better than okay.

- I'm Homer Simpson.

- [Laughs] You wish.

Oh, hi, Mr.


I'm the worst worker in the world.

Time to go home to my mansion and eat my lobster.

What's this? "Extremely high voltage.

" Well, I don't need safety gloves, because I'm Homer Simp- Frank Grimes- or "Grimey," as he liked to be called- taught us that a man can triumph over adversity and even though Frank's agonizing struggle through life was tragically cut short - I am sure he's looking down - [Snoring] from heaven right now- [Continues, Indistinct] Change the channel, Marge.

[Mourners Laughing] That's our Homer.

[Laughter Continues] - [Murmuring] - Shh!