The Simpsons Episode Scripts

4F17 - The Old Man and the Lisa

[Chorus Singing] [Tires Screeching] D'oh! [Screams] [Calliope] [Bottles Rattling] - [Moans] Hmm? - [Rattling Continues] [Man On TV] And now the thrilling conclusion of Colonel Dracula Joins the Navy.

- [Man #2] Uh, Colonel? - [Dracula Shouts] - [Rattling Continues] - Hmm? Lisa, what in the heck are you doing? Oh.

It's for myJunior Achievers Club.

We're trying to earn money by recycling.

Ah, recycling is useless, Lise.

Once the sun burns out, this planet is doomed.

You're just making sure we spend our last days using inferior products.

Well, I think it's a great idea.

Mom, Mom! You're mixing polyethylene with polyurethane.

- Marge! - Well, I'm sorry! And you have to cut these up first, otherwise animals get caught in them.

- Only the stupid ones.

- I could still use more paper.


I know where there's lots of paper.

[Chuckling] Dad, you're not supposed to have fun recycling.

This is serious.



[Sobbing] [Skinner] What a load of garbage.

I'm ecstatic.

With the money from this - we're within striking distance of our trip to Albany.

- [Cheering] Super.

Now, let's give a big Junior Achievers welcome to our guest speaker.

I know he can teach us a lot about business.



Montgomery Burns.

I'll keep it short and sweet.

Family, religion, friendship.

These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business.

When opportunity knocks, you don't want to be driving to the maternity hospital or sitting in some phony-baloney church.

Or synagogue.

Questions? Well, uh, I'm gonna take advantage of this rare opportunity even if you children aren't interested.

Uh, which do you think is more important? Hard work or stick-to-itiveness? - Are there any real questions? - Yes.

Um, does your plant have a recycling program? Re-cy-cling? I'm afraid I'm not familiar with that term, you adorable little ragamuffin.


You never heard of recycling? It means to reuse things to conserve our natural resources.

Oh, so Mother Nature needs a favor.

Well, maybe she should have thought of that when she was besetting us with droughts and floods and poison monkeys.

Nature started the fight for survival, and now she wants to quit because she's losing.

Well, I say hard cheese.

- But nature's not our enemy.

- Well, surely you agree we can do without her.

- No, I don't agree.

- No? How dare you question Mr.


I'll handle it, Smithers.

[Chuckles] Shut up, little girl.

If I had spent my life listening to dismal Doras like you I wouldn't be worth $200 million today.

But according to your most recent biography you only have $100 million today.

I, uh- l- [Stutters] Um, actually, sir it's, uh, considerably less than that.

I, um, have to go.

Monty Burns, everybody.

I've called you all here because I need some honest answers.

- What is my current financial situation? - [Both] Great.

- I hear "great.

" - All right.

Let's have a look at my stock portfolio.


Confederated Slave Holdings.

How's that doing? It's, uh, uh, steady.

I'm sure all your stocks are doing well, sir.

After all, you chose them.

- [All] Mm-hmm.

- Well, let's get out the old stock ticker and have a look.

[Grunts] Here's where I stopped checking it last time.

September, 1929.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Smithers, why didn't you tell me about this market crash? Um, well, sir, it happened 25 years before I was born.

Oh, that's your excuse for everything.

I've got to do something to get my money back quickly.

This calls for an aggressive trading strategy.

- [All] Good idea, sir.

- Take 50% of my money, and put it in the blue chips- Transatlantic Zeppelin, Amalgamated Spats Congreve's Inflammable Powders, U.


Hay and sink the rest into that up-and-coming Baltimore opera hat company.

That should set things right again, eh, boys? - Absolutely.


- Oh, yes, sir.

"A" all the way.

- Can't go wrong with Congreve's.

- [All Clearing Throats] [Grunting] A half ton of newspaper, and all we get is 75 cents? That won't even cover the gas I used to go to the store to buy the twine to tie up the bundles.

It sounds like you're working for your car.

- Simplify, man.

- Oh- [Scoffs] Sorry, kids.

The trip to Albany is off, and there's to be no more recycling.

[All Groaning] But we didn't do that badly.

We collected enough paper to save one whole tree.

- [All Sobbing] - [Ralph] Oh, Mommy, help.


Are you saying my money's all gone? - [All] Mm-hmm.

- But I made all the right moves, didn't I? - [All] Yes.

- Every move a right one.

I see it all now.

You're just a bunch of yes-men.

I was making the wrong moves, and you were too gutless to tell me.

Isn't that right? - [All] Yes.

- Dead on, sir.

Then I'll fix this myself.

Smithers, take out another mortgage on the plant.

Well, the bank has already foreclosed on the plant.

- A-And your house, sir.

- But what will I do? Well, the first thing you'll have to do is move out of the bank's house.

- I'll help you pack.

- [Whimpers] Oh.

[Faucet Squeaks] - Go on.

Get out of here.

- [Squawking] And I'm sure a pro wrestler such as yourself will appreciate all the closet space, Hitman.

[Sniffs] Ew.

This place has got old man stink.

- Ooh.

- Oh, don't listen to him, sir.

You've got an enchanting musk.

And you wouldn't even be the only wrestler in the neighborhood.

- The Shrieking Sheik lives just three doors away.

- [Man Shrieking] [Laughs] Hey! I'll take it.

Uh, would it be all right if I kept this portrait? To remind me of better times.

Why would I want a picture of a pitiful pencil-neck geek? [Sighs] Why indeed.

I'll make sure he forwards your social security check, sir.

[Burns] Mmm.


Homer! You didn't tell me Mr.

Burns went broke and lost the nuclear power plant! Now, I can't remember every little thing that happens in my day.

You told me about that candy bar you found three times.

- You found a candy bar? - Oh, yes.

Gather round, my son and I shall tell you a tale.

I normally don't laugh at other people's misfortunes but on behalf of the recycling community, ha! Couldn't happen to anyone more deserving.

They're not going to close the plant, are they? No.

The bank put Lenny in charge.

[Clock Ticking] Uh, attention, everybody.

Uh- [Sighs] Oh-Work harder.


- [Knuckles Crack] - [Sighs] Well, sir, I have to get to work.

Lenny's a real bear on tardiness.

Are there any chores I can do? - [Smashing] - Uh, no, no.

Uh you just stay here and maintain your dignity.

[Door Closes] [Water Dripping] Ah.

Here's a chance to earn my keep.

I will go out and get these items from the food jobber.

Grocery store, please.

- I am riding on a bus.

- Hey.

Aren't you that guy everybody hates? Oh, my, no.

I'm Monty Burns.

[Wheels Squeaking] [Muzak] I'm shopping.


Cer- Oh, my.

I wonder which is the cereal for me.

Um- Oh, excuse me.

Could you tell me where I might find the Burns O's? Sorry, pops.

They don't put nobodies on cereal boxes.


Well I suppose this one looks a bit like me.


Thank you, shoppie.

l- I ventured in to search for milk when the door snapped shut behind me.


Those dairy cases are death traps.

[Burns] "Ketchup.

" "Catsup.

" "Ketchup.

" "Catsup.

" "Catsup.

" K- K- Oh, I'm in way over my head.

He's, uh, talking to the ketchup now.

- Burns is sure acting nutty.

- Maybe going broke and losing his plant destroyed his brain.

Could you come along with us, sir? Are you here to solve my ketchup problem? Yes.

That's right.

Wh-Where are you taking me? - What's happening? - Relax.

You've gone off your nut so we're stuffing you into an old folks' home.

- Those, uh, store guys signed the commitment papers.

- But I'm shopping.

[Homer Glugging] [Sighs] Here you go, honey.

That's about all the recycling- [Hiccups] I can handle today.

Dad, if you just drink one more I'll have a full bag.

Oh, but Daddy doesn't feel so good.

[Groans] There's gotta be more trash around here somewhere.


Why don't you try the old folks' home? They practically live in their own filth.

- Thanks, Dad.

- You're welcome, honey.

That's the activity room.

We're not allowed in there.

That's the library.

Not allowed in there either.

And don't even think about going in the game room.

Egad, man.

How are we supposed to pass the time? Best bet is to stake yourself out a good spot at the starin' window.

[Groans] [Man Singing] - [Stops] - Come on, Mr.


Join the fun.

- [Chuckles Nervously] That's the spirit.

- [Resumes] So this is how the Monty Burns saga ends.

[Sighs] If I hadn't surrounded myself with those spineless yes-men.

[Lisa] What do you mean you don't have anything to recycle? You must have some magazines or newspapers.

That voice.

That shrill, disagreeable voice.

It's her! Sorry.

We're not allowed to read newspapers.

- They angry up the blood.

- You! The troublemaking girl.

My name is Lisa, Mr.


- Lisa Simpson.

- It doesn't matter what your name is, you idiot.

What I want to know is will you help me get my money back? Ha.

I'd never help you.

You're the worst man in the world.


That's the kind of moxie I'm looking for.

- You're hired.

- No, I'm not.

Sir, I'm so sorry my grocer committed you.

- We'll never shop there again.

- Not now, Smithers.

I've got an empire to rebuild.

And the person who's going to help me is that girl.

[Panting] Please.


- Please.

- No.

- Please.

- No.

[Doorbell Rings] Sir, we've never met before, but my name is Mr.

Burns and I want your daughter to help make me rich again.

You mean Maggie? Ah.

The baby who shot me.


I was referring to your other daughter.


You have a guest.

So, uh - how's life in the gutter? - You again? I've realized the error of my ways, Lisa.

I need someone with your integrity to help me.

Please don't refuse this poor old man.

[Murmurs] Well, if I did agree to help you you could only earn money by doing good, socially responsible things.

- Nothing evil.

- Nothing evil.

That's exactly the kind of radical thinking I need.

It's a deal.

See that, boy? Why aren't you making any business deals? [Whining] I'll do it this afternoon.

You mean there are actually people who will pay good money for garbage? Not good money really.

Each can'll get you a nickel.

Oh, don't pooh-pooh a nickel, Lisa.

A nickel will buy you a steak and kidney pie a cup of coffee, a slice of cheesecake and a newsreel- with enough change left over to ride the trolley from Battery Park to the Polo Grounds.

There's a can.

You have to cut these six-pack holders up, otherwise fish get trapped in them.

I see.

Ha-ha! My first dollar! Thanks to you, Lisa- and our hemp-smoking friend.

Shine on, you crazy diamond.

Sounds like somebody's living in the past.

Contemporize, man! Well, Lisa, as my adviser, you're entitled to 10%.

Oh, I'm not doing this for the money.

I'm just happy knowing that future generations will enjoy unspoiled median strips and pristine highway embankments.

There's a can.

[Kent Brockman] And from our "it's funny when it happens to them" file remember millionaire C.

Montgomery Burns the man who blocked out our sun, ran over a local boy and stole Christmas from 1981 to 1985? Well, guess who's flat broke and picking up trash for a living.

Please be Flanders.

Please be Flanders.

Please be Flanders.

Excuse me, Mr.


Now that you're completely ruined, how do you feel? Excellent.

I'm on my way back to the top.

I've turned these cans into "can do.

" Well, you smell terrible.

Good luck to you, sir.


He went from stinking rich to just plain stinking.

[All Laughing] - Good one, Mom.

- Oh, you're so bad, honey.

You guys shouldn't laugh at him.


Burns has changed.

He's different now.

- Yeah.

He's broke.

- [Laughing] - Two in a row! - [Groans] Oh, you've really turned my life around these past few weeks, Lisa.

I've got my own business again, my beloved employees.

Oh, consarn it.

Uh, come on! Let's pick up the pace, you neglected old nincompoops.


Burns, if you want people to do a good job, you can't bully them.

You have to show them they're appreciated.


Capital idea, partner.

People, if we meet this week's quota I'll take you to the most duck-filled pond you ever sat by.

Oh, hot diggety! That's how they got me to vote for Lyndon LaRouche.


Even I didn't know he was so committed to recycling.

See? I told you Mr.

Burns has changed.

See? - Lisa, nobody likes a gloater.

Right, Homie? - Uh-huh.

See? [Applause] Yes.

Thank you, everyone.

But 10% of your applause should go to my little partner, Lisa Simpson.

For, if it were not for her infectious moralizing, we would not be here today to witness the unveiling of the Li'I Lisa Recycling Plant.

Oh, ain't that cute? Makes Li'I Debbie look like a pile of puke.

Would you like to be the first to take a tour of the plant, Li'I Lisa? I'd love to, partner.

The whole plant is environmentally sound.

It's powered by old newspapers, the machinery is made entirely of used cans and the windows are from the old liquor bottles we collected.

Hey! I thought I told you to stop licking my windows.

I know.

You told me.

And when I woke up this morning, I said, "Barney, you're not gonna lick that man's-" I'm so proud of you, Mr.


You're getting your fortune back and you're doing it without endangering the planet or cozying up to the Aspen crowd.

Oh, hold your accolades till the end of the tour.

You haven't seen the best part.

I couldn't watch your demonstration of the fish caught in the plastic rings without getting an idea.

Look out over the water.

I figured if one six-pack holder will catch one fish a million sewn together will catch a million fish.


- What's going on? - [Chuckles] I call it the Burns Omni-Net.

It sweeps the sea clean.

[Gasps] Oh, dear God.

I call our product Li'I Lisa's Patented Animal Slurry.

It's a high-protein feed for farm animals insulation for low-income housing a powerful explosive and a top-notch engine coolant.

And best of all, it's made from 100% recycled animals.

[Groans] I think I'm gonna be sick.

Oh, a spoonful of slurry will cure what ails ya.

Oh! You haven't changed at all! You're still evil.

And when you're trying to be good, you're even more evil.

I don't understand.

Pigs need food.

Engines need coolant.

Dynamiters need dynamite.

I'm supplying it to them at a tidy profit.

And not a single sea creature was wasted.

- You inspired it all, Li'I Lisa.

- [Gasping] [Gasps] Oh! You- [Panting] Stop! Don't recycle! It's murder! You're helping Mr.

Burns! [Monotone] But you told us to recycle.

[Monotone] You convinced us it was good.


It's evil.

Please! Stop recycling! [Monotone] Stop.

You can't mix plastic with paper.

[Grunts, Gasps] Oh! Oh! [Tires Screech] [Horns Honking] [Sobbing] [Groans] I can't get the smell of slurry out of my clothes.

Oh, I was a fool to help that horrible old man.

I hope you learned your lesson, Lisa.

- Never help anyone.

- [Doorbell Rings] Simpson, what are you doing here? Why aren't you at work? I made a bad mistake and Lenny sent me home to think about what I did.

But I don't remember what it was, so I'm watching TV.

Well, Lenny's reign of terror is over.


Burns bought the plant back this morning.

And- Enough chitchat.

I need to see Lisa.

I don't want to talk to you, Mr.


Oh, I think you will.

You see, I've just sold the Li'I Lisa Recycling Plant for $120 million.

- Congratulations.

- Oh, don't congratulate me.

Congratulate Bay State Fish Sticks.

As my adviser, you're entitled to 10% of the proceeds.

[All Gasp] Lise, have I told you lately that I love you? Wow.

I've never seen so much money.

Oh, but I can't accept that, knowing where it came from.

Can I, Mom? [Groans] Lisa, you do whatever your conscience tells you.

[Moans] [Groans] Oh, you did the right thing, sweetheart.

- [Beeping] - [Laughing] Well, that's the first case I've ever seen of a man suffering four simultaneous heart attacks.

I'm sorry, Dad.

It's all right.

I understand.

But we really could have used that $12,000.

Um, Dad, 10% of $120 million isn't 12,000.

It's- - [Rapid Beeping] - [Woman On P.


] Code blue.

Code blue.

- [Murmuring] - Shh!