The Simpsons Episode Scripts

4F16 - The Canine Mutiny

[Chorus Singing] [Bell Ringing] [Whistle Blowing] [Beeping] [Jazzy Solo] [Beeping] [Tires Screeching] D'oh! [Screams] [Grampa Gasps] [Barking] [Homer] Marge, mail's here.

Bills, bills.

Ooh, a free sample of gasoline.

Oh! A note from Publisher's Clearinghouse.

saying we're out of the running.

Look, Lisa! You got something.

Oh, Foreign Language Institute.

Oh, my German verb wheel.

Ich esse.

lhr ist.

Wir essen.

When? When? Ich bin hungrig! Homer, this is yours.

Yes! My precious CarToons! [Laughing] "Who pumped Ethyl?" [Laughing Continues] How come I never get any mail? I'm sorry, honey.

Here, you can have the junk mail.

"Gas your termites," "Freeze your termites," "Zap your termites" "Save the termites.

" Hello! "Dear Occupant, because of your fine credit history you have been preapproved for a Money Bank charge card.

" Ooh, baby! Okay, let's see now.

Occupation? Hmm.

Butt doctor.

[Chuckles] Income? Whatever I finds, I keeps.

Name? Hmm.



My name is Santa's Little Helper.

[Barking] - [Thudding] - [Homer] Marge, mail's here.

Bills, bills.

Oh, a rejection letter from The New Yorker subscription department.


Who or what is Santos L.

Halper? Wow! My own credit card! [Kisses] Thanks, Santos! - [Gags] - A quarter? You're just the dog that keeps on giving, aren't ya? And Zebra Girl, Zillionaire and Zoidzilla.

And will there be any more splurging today? Oh, my, yes! Hmm.

I'll take that hardbound Radioactive Man collection.

Ah, a superb choice! In volume two, Radioactive Man travels through time to defeatJesse Owens at the 1936 Olympic games.

Put it all on my credit card, my good man.

Oh, pardon me, Santos, if that is your real name, Bart Simpson but your phony credit card is no good here.

- Now, make like my pants and split! - [Groans] What good's a credit card if you can't even use it? Hmm.

"Order by phone.

1-800"- Our phone doesn't go up to 800! Unless- Mom, this is for you- 15 pounds of Vancouver smoked salmon.


Smell it.

Oh, Bart, you didn't have to do that.

[Sniffs] Ohh! - And for Homer- - Wow! A golf shirt with my corporate logo on it.

[Sniffs] Oh! It smells like salmon too.

Thanks, boy.

And for the college-bound, Wow! "Trucker's Choice.

" That is so sweet.

Bart, where did you get all this stuff? Let me answer that question with cookware! A frying pan radio! Wow! [Guitar] [Man Singing Rock] [Clanging Sounds] [Man, Japanese Accent] You a winner! Ha-ha-ha! You a winner! Ha-ha-ha! - You a winner! Ha-ha-ha! - [Gasps] Halogen lamps, kilim rugs? You can't afford this.

How can you afford this? You've been all edgy and suspicious ever since I gave you those pep pills.

What are you talking about? I don't need pep pills to be suspicious.

If I want to comment on it, I'll comment on it.

Who's gonna stop me? You, Pep Pill Boy? Pep Boys, pills, Beverly Sills.

[Clicks Tongue] Oh, boy.

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy.



I gotta stop taking those pills he gave me.

You think you're so great anyway.

Whoa! " The crowning achievement of the dog-maker's art "this limited-edition collie comes fully trained "by MajorJonas Fong, A.





"Only 800 will be bred.

Quite possibly the world's best dog.

" [Beeping] Twelve hundred bucks! I better just get one.

- [Snoring] - [Doorbell Rings] [Excited Barking] [Gasps] Hey, where you goin'? "Hello.

My name is Laddie.

I've been trained to gather fruit for you as a welcome gift.

" [Barking] Good dog.

[Screeches] Okay, watch this.


Do a backflip, Laddie.

- Ooh! He's so smart! - Whoa! And so handsome.

Bart, I just love him.

Hi, Marge.

Hi, Santa's Little Helper.

Hi, kid.

Hey! That's not Santa's Little Helper! That's Laddie.

Bart says he won him at a church carnival two towns over.

In a truth-telling contest, right, Bart? Uh, to the best of my recollection, yes.

Wow! I gotta start going to church.

What do you got for me, boy? Hey, this says we should feed him lots of eggs and olive oil to ensure a glossy coat.

Oh, yeah.

A dog like this you have to feed every day.

He's trained to do all sorts of stuff.

He can herd sheep and perform C.



"Some call it the dog that never sleeps though it actually does while jogging.

" Geez! That dog has more education than I do.

He's some kind of super dog! Hey, where'd he go? [Toilet Flushing] - Whoa! - Wow.

- [Rings] - Hello? [Man] Hello, Mr.


I'm calling from Money Bank Credit Services Department.

I was wondering if you had a chance to read the threatening letter we sent you.

- Uh- - Because you sound like a mature, responsible person who wouldn't want an unpaid credit card bill to spoil all his hopes and dreams for the future- dreams such as home ownership, boat ownership and event attendance.

Now, when can I tell my supervisor, Mr.

Robinson, to expect payment? - [Dial Tone Hums] - Good dog.

Come on, boy! Let's go for a walk! - [Gasps] No, not you.


- [Whines] Come on.

I got a job for you.

[Whines] Good boy.

We didn't see nothin' if you didn't see nothin'.

[Gasps] Oh, no! Repo men! Laddie, hide behind that bush there! Mom and Dad aren't home, are they? No.

They went for a walk with the Flanders.

Bart, what's going on? Why are those repo guys taking all your stuff? - The dog and I got a credit card, and- - Credit card? Oh, I knew you were up to no good.

So I committed a little mail fraud.

Haven't I been punished enough? Hey, stop! You can take back the bassinet, but the baby's ours! And the last item is one $1,200 dog.

- Is that him? - [Growling] Well, is he the dog or isn't he? [Gulps] Yeah.

That's him, all right.

[Panting] [Whines] Sorry, boy.

I didn't plan this.

It just sort of happened.

[Tires Screech] Mom, can I feed Laddie at the table? Oh, it's against the house rule.

Oh, I guess just this once.

I don't know about this dog.

He's kinda snooty.

Homer, are you wearing a tie to impress Laddie? - Do you think he noticed? - [Groans] - Where's Santa's Little Helper? - Who? Um, I took him to a kennel two towns over just till the new dog gets settled.

We wrecked the first dog.

We've gotta treat this one right.

Bart, why don't you take Laddie for another walk? No.

Bart had his turn.

Let me! I can't resist his charms.

Let's all walk Laddie! Hey, this park is great! - How come we never take Santa's Little Helper here? - Crowds give him gas.

Besides, he's happy just hanging around the house with Bart.

Uh, yeah.

Hey, that is one fine-looking animal you got there! Wow! TV's Kent Brockman.

[Laughs] Hey, this fella's not available to stud, is he? You want some puppies, eh, Mr.

Brockman? No, no.

Jessica's been fixed.

She just needs a little- [Clicks Tongue] attention.

Why, that canine has the proud bearing and glossy fur coat of a Yale man.

Hello, little fella.

Smithers, I believe this dog was in Skull and Bones.

Whoa! Cool dog! Can he catch a Frisbee? [Barking] [Cheering] Boy, Bart! Laddie's the best dog in the world! He's nothing like your old dog.

Santa's Little Helper? Guess I was the only one who loved him.

You got that right! Remember the time he ate my goldfish, and you lied to me and said I never had any goldfish? But why did I have the bowl, Bart? Why did I have the bowl? Yeah.

He was a great dog.

Oh, Santa's Little Helper, I was crazy to give you up for another dog.

What have I done to you? [Horn Blows] [British Accent] Captain, can't we go any faster? I greatly fear we shan't be in Wimbledon by noonfall.

No worries, madam.

Lumley, shovel on more dogs, won't you? Aye, aye.

More dogs! - [Bells Jingling] - More dogs! - [Panting] - In you go! [Gasps] Nah.

That's not too likely.

But still, you're gone.

Where are you, boy? [Ship Horn Blows] "Time for a walk.

" Oh, again? I gotta find out where he's keeping these.

I'd take him, but those cards are nontransferable.

[Groans] [Woman] Help! Help! [Barking] Now what? Come on.

I want to go home.

So, Laddie, thank you for your heroic rescue.

And, Baby Gerald we can't help but wonder what mischief you'll get into next.

[Crowd Applauding] Now can we go home? Laddie saved the day, Simpson.

Boy, we sure could use a dog like that on the force! Why don't you guys take him? I thought he was the right dog for me, but I guess I made a mistake.

Really? No foolin'? Ah, gee! Thanks, mister.

We'll take real good care of him.

And we'll play with him every day, honest! [Sighs] Oh, Maggie! You got oatmeal all over.

- Homie, would you clean her off? - Can do! Laddie! [Whistles] Come here, boy! Who wants to lick a messy baby? Laddie? Uh, Dad? Laddie's not coming.

- I gave him away.

- What's the matter, Bart? Weren't you happy with him? No.

He just wasn't the right dog for me.

I'm sure he'll be happy as a police dog.

He'd better know how to keep his mouth shut.

Well, if that's what you think is best let's just go down to the kennel and get Santa's Little Helper back.

Uh, we can't.

He's not in a kennel.

I gave him away too, and I don't know where he is.

You gave both dogs away? You know how I feel about giving! I'm sorry.

I know it's wrong.

I messed everything up! And now I don't have any dogs at all! There, there.

Shut up, boy.

We'll just get you a new dog.

I don't want a new dog! I want Santa's Little Helper! Well, crying isn't gonna bring him back unless your tears smell like dog food.

So you can either sit there crying and eating can after can of dog food until your tears smell enough like dog food to make your dog come back or you can go out there and find your dog! You're right! I'll do it! Rats! I almost had him eatin' dog food.

- I'm going to get the dog back.

- [Homer] The bad dog or the good dog? - The bad dog.

- Oh, good.

You gotta give me back my floor! My customers are walking around on the pipes.

- Hey, next time pay your bills.

- But I don't want to! Excuse me, sir.

Did you repossess this dog from a guy named Santos L.

Halper? Yeah.

Yeah, I remember this mutt.

We sold him to some guy wearing a dress.

No, I didn't buy your dog.

I gotta go keep an eye on Selma.

- She thinks she swallowed a Band-Aid.

- [Gagging] Yeah, I bought your mutt, and I ate him! [Gasps] I 'ate his little face, I 'ate his guts and I 'ate the way he's always barking! So, I gave him to the church.

Oh, I see.

You hate him, so you gave him to the church.


I also 'ate the mess he left on me rug.

Ya heard me! Mmm, yes, I remember Satan's Little Helper littering the rectory with his dirt, biting me in the apse.

He unholied the holy water! That's him, all right.

I'll be happy to take him off your hands.

Oh, I'm afraid that's impossible, Bart.

He's no longer among us.

[Gasps] You didn't crucify him? [Laughing] No.

He's safely with one of our parishioners.

I'll give you his address if you like.

And then buy somethin' or get out! Angel.

[Piano] - Hey, it's him! It's Santa's Little Helper! - [Whines] - [Buzzes] - [Man] Yes? My name is Bart Simpson.

I have to talk to you about your dog.

- Give me one minute.

- Okay.

Showtime! [Snickering, Spits] Please, mister! [Clears Throat] No, let me do that again.

[Clears Throat] Please, mister! Please! [Sobbing] - [Gasps] - Hi there.

How can I help you? - You're the guy who owns the dog? - Yup.

His name's Sprinkles.

- Sprinkles? - Yeah, he's my best buddy, huh? Especially since my parrot decided to stop talking.

Polly? Polly, want to say hi to our guest? Huh? Fine.

Be that way.

Now, what can I do for you, son? Oh, nothin'.

Forget it.

So, that's my plan.

I'm gonna break into the blind man's yard and swipe the dog.

Hmm! Bart, that is a new low.

Hey, I'm not saying it's gonna be a dance around the maypole! I won't tell Mom and Dad, but only because I want the dog back.

Just try not to freak out the blind man.

I can't promise I'll try, but I'll try to try.

[Whistles] Here, boy! Come on! [Groans] - [Liquid Splashing] - Eww! Psst! [Whines, Excited Panting] Oh, I missed you so much, boy.

Come on.

Let's get out of here.

Keep quiet, okay? [Barking] [Mitchell] Sprinkles? Is there somebody down there? Come on, boy.

Let's blow.

Who's there? I can take you on! You want to try me? Come on! Where is he, Sprinkles? Come on.

Let's get him.

No, no.

Not the piano.

I can't play now.

- [Squeaking] - [Door Slams Shut] Ha! I may be blind, but you just ran into a closet.

- D'oh! - [Lock Sliding Shut] [Chuckling] Hey, burglar.

I hope you're having a good time in there 'cause the police will be here any minute.

No, mister.

Please, I'm just a kid.

l- I only came to get my dog back.

- Your dog? - [Whimpering] And I miss him so much.

And I know you like him, but I like him too.

And he was mine first, and I know I don't deserve him, but- So what this comes down to is you want a blind man to give up his only companion.

- Yes, please.

- Hmm.

Tell you what- Why don't we let the dog decide? - Come on, Santa's Little Helper! - Come on, Sprinkles! - Here, Sprinkles! - Come on.

I'm sorry.

I'll never do that again.

- Come to the blind man.

- I'll let you be with me all the time, boy.

- Come on.

- We'll go into the woods, I promise.

Come on, Sprinkles.

Come on! Come on! Attaboy! Oh, I knew you'd come! Give me a kiss! Oh! [Laughs] Yeah.

Sounds like you won.


Oh, geez.

I'm sorry.

I wish there was some way we could both have a dog.

[Pounding] - [Doorbell Rings] - Hello! Police! Aw, man! If this one's not the right house, I quit.

- It's okay, Officer.

False alarm.

- [Barking] Hey- Hey, who's that? Well, I like you too.

Well, looks like somebody's made a new best friend.

[Laughing] Okay, boy.

That's enough.

That's- That's not for doggies.

Don't- - Oh, geez! - [Barking] [Sniffing] Marijuana.

Well, I guess he didn't like you after all.

He just smelled your narcotics.

Book him, boys.

Hold on, Chief.

It might be medicinal.

Oh, yeah! Medicinal! Why, without it I could, uh, go even blinder, right? Uh, this might take a while, kid.

- Why don't you and your buddy run along? - Bye, Laddie.

Come on, boy.

Let's go home and have some fun, huh? That cat's been struttin' around like she owns the place.

[Reggae] [Man Singing Reggae] Hey, everybody! How are you doing? Hey, what's up there? - [Wiggum] I love this song.

- [Lou] Hey, Chief.

- [Wiggum] I love this song.

- [Lou] Hey, Chief.

- Shut up! I love this song.

- Ooh, yeah.

Shut up, Lou! [Continues] [Wiggum Singing Along] Yeah! [Lou Singing Along] [Wiggum Singing Along] [Wiggum] I can't really remember that.

[Wiggum Singing Along] [Lou] Hey, man! I'm jamming! [Wiggum Singing Along] - [Murmuring] - Shh! [Wiggum Sings]