The Simpsons Episode Scripts

3F23 - You Only Move Twice

[Chorus Singing] [Bell Ringing] [Whistle Blowing] [Beeping] [Jazzy Solo] [Tires Screeching] D'oh! [Screams] [Singing] [Humming] Mr.

Smithers, may we offer you a ride to work? [Chuckles] No, thank you.

[Humming] We're from Globex Corporation.

We'd like to talk to you about an exciting employment opportunity in our nuclear division.

Flattered but spoken for.

We're prepared to offer you an impressive salary.

plus health benefits for you and your life partner.

The answer is no.

What's wrong with this country? Can't a man walk down the street without being offered a job? [Sighs] We'll have to go to the next-most-senior man at the plant.

Here we are.

Ten years' experience.

His name is- Marge, I got a new job! It's with Globex Corporation.

I get more money, plus health benefits for me and my life partner.

- And they'll move us and give us a nice house and- - Move us? It's in Cypress Creek, upstate somewhere.

You took a new job in a strange town without discussing it with your family? Of course not.

I wouldn't do that.

Why not? We have roots here, Homer.

We have friends and family and library cards.

- Bart's lawyer is here.

- But, Marge this is a chance for me to fulfill my lifelong dream.

- What lifelong dream? - Promise not to laugh? I always wanted to own the Dallas Cowboys.

[Laughing] I'm sorry, Dad.

I just find that very cute.

Homer, I don't want to leave Springfield.

I've dug myself into a happy little rut here and I'm not about to hoist myself out of it.

Just bring the rut with ya, honey.

Come on.

Take a look.

[Announcer] Cypress Creek, A Tale of One City.

Uh, let's watch something else.

Homer, you're trying to talk us into moving to this place.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

Let's watch this.

- [Woman] Look at this place.

- [Police Siren In Distance] - Somebody ought to build a town that works.

- [Announcer] Somebody did.

It's called Cypress Creek- a planned community designed for the workers of the Globex Corporation.

Cypress Creek, where dreams come true.

[Announcer #2] Your dreams may vary from those of Globex Corporation its subsidiaries and shareholders.

Well, what do you think of me and Cypress Creek now, Marge? It does seem nicer than Springfield.

Yeah, did you notice how the people weren't shoving or knocking each other down? I've never been to a place like that before.

Ow! Me neither.

Well, we could use the extra money.

And this house is falling apart.

All right.

[Cheering] Oh, wow! Windows! [Chuckles] I don't think I could afford this place.

- [Doorbell Rings] - Hello.

I am not interested in buying the house but I would like to use your rest room flip through your magazines, rearrange your carefully shelved items and handle your food products in an unsanitary manner.

- Ha! Now you know how it feels! - Thank you.

Come again.

We'll never sell this rotten dump.

Uh, a little help here? Even if we sell the house, we still don't come close to paying off the mortgage.

[Both] Hey! Uh, Homer, uh, about those things you borrowed from me over the years- you know, the TV trays, the power sander the downstairs bathtub- You gonna be needing those things in Cypress Creek? - Yes.

- Oh.

Uh- [Reciting] Okilly-dokilly- Okilly-dokilly! - [Tires Squeal] - Bye-didilly-eye! - So long! - God bless you! - See ya! - Good-bye! - Bye-bye, Homer! - Take care! - Adios! - So long! - Fare thee well! - Arr! Bon voyage! - Toodle-oo! - Uh, so long! - Bye-bye! - Ta-ta! - Bye, everybody! - Bye-bye! - Sayonara, dudes.

- So long! - [Children] Bye-bye! - Bye-bye now.

- Bye! - See ya! - Bye! - Bye-bye! Ha-ha! I'm gonna miss Springfield.

This town's been awfully good to us.

- No, it hasn't, Dad.

That's why we're leaving.

- Oh, yeah.

So long, Stinktown! [Tires Squealing] [Tires Squealing] It says here one of these giant redwood trees can provide enough sawdust to cover an entire day's worth of vomit at Disneyland.

[All] Ooh! [All] Aah! [All] Oh! [All] Ooh! Here we are.

[Homer] Our new home.

[Whistles] I call this room.

[Knocking] I am here to welcome you on behalf of the president of the Globex Corporation.

Me! Try the papayas.

They're juicy and full of papain.

Makes you strong like Popeye.

Popeye, papain.

Popeye, papain.

See? Same thing.

Same- Uh, forget it.

How are you? I'm Hank Scorpio.

- Wow, my boss.

- Don't call me that word.

I don't like things that elevate me above the other people.

I'm just like you.

Sure, I come later in the day, I get paid a lot more and I take longer vacations but I don't like the word "boss.

" Look at my feet.

- Okay.

- You like those moccasins? Look in your closet.

There's a pair for you.

Don't like 'em? Then neither do I! Get the hell outta here! Ha! - Ever seen a guy say good-bye to a shoe? - Yes, once.


Scorpio, this house is almost too good for us.

I keep expecting to get the bum's rush.

We don't have bums.

If we did, they wouldn't rush.

They'd be allowed to go at their own pace.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm in the middle of a fun run! See you at work tomorrow, although I don't really like to call it work.


- [Buzzing] - Okay, the oven is cleaning itself - the auto-vac's on dirt patrol- - [Beeping] and Maggie's enjoying her Swing-A-Majig.

[Electric Motor Humming] [Whimpering] I can't believe it.

I've done all my housework, and it's only 9:30.

Well, better go upstairs and make sure the beds are still made.

[Tires Squealing] You will notice, my new best friend that we are pretty casual around here.

Yes, sir.

I will notice that.

Very casual, Mr.


Don't call me Mr.


It's Mr.

Scorpio, but don't call me that either.

Call me Hank.

Uh, say, before we continue our tour would you mind hanging my coat up on the wall, please? Mm-hmm.

Um, uh, let's see.

- Um, uh- - [Laughs] Relax, Homer.

At Globex, we don't believe in walls.

- Matter of fact, I didn't even give you my coat.

- Hmm? Wow.

Having a place like this has always been my dream, Homer.

- What's your dream? - Um, to work for you? [Chuckles] Don't do that.

My butt is for sitting, not for kissing.

Now, you tell me the truth.

What's your real dream? Your real dream! Um, someday I'd like to own the Dallas Cowboys.

- I bet people laughed at you when you told 'em that dream.

- Yeah.

Homer, don't give up.

They laughed at me the first time I wore jeans with a sport coat.

I was the first wealthy man in America to ever do that.

Now they all do it! - Did you ever hear of Mike Milken? - Ye- No.

- Hi there.

- Nice to see you.

Now, Homer, these gentlemen here will be your eyes and your ears and should the need arise, they'll fill in for any other part of your body.

Your job will be to manage and motivate 'em.

Give 'em the benefit of your years of experience.

Don't worry.

That won't take long.

The key to motivation is trust.

Let me show you what I mean.

I want you to close your eyes and fall backwards, and I'll catch you.

That's gonna show you what trust is all about.

Ready? - All right.

- Three, two- - [Rings] - One second.

Hello? - D'oh! - Oh, my God! A guy's on the floor! That was a phone call.

Don't chalk that up to mistrust.

Yes? What happened? When did that happen? How much of it? Oh, my goodness.

I'll be right up.

Homer, I gotta go upstairs.

There's a problem.

Somebody ate part of my lunch.

I'm gonna leave everything to you.

We're on a tight schedule.

You keep them motivated.

- Are you guys working? - Yes, sir, Mr.


Could you, um, work any harder than this? Sure thing, boss.

Hey, call me Homer.

[Children Chattering] [Making Fart Noises] [All Laughing] You got a fresh sound.

It'll play well at this school.

Hey, Bart, do you have a best friend yet? 'Cause I've been looking for someone to boss me around.

- [Door Opens] - Okay, folks, let's do it to it.

[Chuckles] Grammar, that is.

Uh, everybody write down this sentence and circle the nouns.

Bart, as the newest addition to our menagerie, you have the honors.

Um, uh- Well, start by readin' the sentence.

"Two wentam and jolly were"- [Mumbles] [Makes Fart Noise] So, you never learned cursive? Uh, well, I know hell and damn and bit- Cursive handwriting.


Do you know the multiplication tables? Long division? - I know of them.

- Hmm.

You know, Bart, I think you'd profit from a more remedial environment.

I'm sure you'll feel right at home in the Leg-Up Program.

[Gasps] [Groans] Guess I can't complain.

Everything's perfect here.

So, what are you in for? I moved here from Canada, and they think I'm slow, eh? I fell off the jungle gym, and when I woke up I was in here.

I start fires.


Now, everyone take out your safety pencil and a circle of paper.

This week I hope we can finish our work on the letter "A.

" Let me get this straight.

We're behind the rest of our class and we're going to catch up to them by going slower than they are? - Cuckoo! - [All] Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Stop it! Stop it! Warren! Melvin! Gary! Dot! Gordy! Look, lady, I'm supposed to be in the fourth grade.

Sounds to me like someone's got a case of the "s'pose'das.

" [Groans] Warren! Wildflowers! We don't have you in Springfield.

[Chittering] Hello, Mr.


You're a northern reticulated chipmunk.

Yes, you are.

You are so reticulated.

- Hi, Mrs.


- [Hoots] You're out kind of early.

[Singing] [Screeches, Hoots] [Chattering] Mr.

Scorpio says productivity is up two percent and it's all because of my motivational techniques like doughnuts, and the possibility of more doughnuts to come.

I knew you'd do well, Homer.

Sports collectibles! Wow, a baseball made out of Secretariat! [Gasps] Tom Landry's hat! And it's autographed! "To Berman's Dry Cleaning.

Best wishes, Tom Landry.

" - Why don't you buy it? - I can't buy that.

Only management-type guys with big salaries like me can afford things like that.

[Gasps] Guys like me! I'm a guy like me! All right, team, it's the fourth quarter.

The Lord gave us the atoms, and it's up to us to make 'em dance.

Hey, ifTom Landry's hat doesn't motivate you then I should just quit right now.

I'm sorry.

We're just a little tired, sir.

We've been pushing ourselves real hard to get the reactor online.

Tired, eh? What you guys need is hammocks.

Uh, hi, Homer.

What can I do for you? Sir, I need to know where I can get some business hammocks.

Hammocks? My goodness, what an idea.

Why didn't I think of that? Hammocks! Homer, there's four places.

There's the Hammock Hut.

That's on Third.

- Uh-huh.

- There's Hammocks-R-Us.

That's on Third too.

- You got Put-Your-Butt-There.

- Mm-hmm.

- That's on Third.

Swing Low, Sweet Chariot.

- Right.

Matter of fact, they're all in the same complex.

It's the hammock complex on Third.

- Oh, the hammock district.

- That's right.

Ready for the linkup, Mr.


Homer, one second.

I gotta take care of this.

- Very important.

Be right back.

- Fine.

Good afternoon, gentlemen.

This is Scorpio.

I have the doomsday device.

You have 72 hours to deliver the gold or you'll face the consequences.

And to prove I'm not bluffing, watch this.

Oh, my God, the 59th Street bridge! Maybe it just collapsed on its own.

We can't take that chance.

You always say that.

I want to take a chance.

Collapsed on its own? You, sh- You have 72 hours.

See ya.

Back to the hammocks, my friend.

- Yes.

- You know, there's a little place called Mary Ann's Hammocks.

The nice thing about that place is Mary Ann gets in the hammock with you.

- [Laughs] I'm just kidding.

- Oh.

- You know who invented the hammock, Homer? - No.

That's something for you to do.

Find that out.

- Any sugar around here? - Try in there, Homer.

Hi, Homer.

I'm keepin' two of my fingers crossed that you're gonna have that nuclear generator up to full power by tomorrow.

- Uh, yes, sir.

No problemo.

- Good.

By the way, Homer, what's your least favorite country? Italy or France? - France.

- [Chuckles] Nobody ever says Italy.

[Motor Whines] I never noticed this office before.

Why should you? It's mine.

- Uh, you have any sugar around here? - Sugar? Sure.

Here you go.

Sorry it's not in packages.

- Want some cream? - Uh, no.

[Singing] [Singing Continues] - Hooray! Everyone's a winner! - [Groans] [Humming] Oh, the whole forest is blooming.

[Sneezes] Excuse me.

Oh, my eyes are burning.

[Sneezing] [Coughs, Sniffles] Oh, little chipmunk friend, I'm allergic to everything.

- [Chitters] - [Sneezes] [Sneezing] Ingenious, isn't it, Mr.

Bont? Scorpio, you're totally mad.

[Laughs] I wouldn't point fingers, you jerk.

So, do you expect me to talk? I don't expect anything from you except to die and be a very cheap funeral.

You're gonna die now.

[Grunts] Stop him! He's supposed to die! [Grunts] - Nice work, Homer! Am I proud of you! - Well- When you go home tonight, there's gonna be another story on your house.

- [Hank] Thank you.

- [Gunfire] I tackled a loafer at work today.

Hey, what's with you sad sacks? I'm allergic to everything here.

My nose is so stuffed up, I can't even taste Mom's delicious boiled celery.

I've been so bored since we moved here I found myself drinking a glass of wine every day.

I know doctors say you should drink a glass and a half, but I just can't drink that much.

Well, the Simpson men are doing fine, right, Bart? You haven't even gotten in trouble at school.

I can't get in trouble at school.

They put me in the remedial class.

I'm surrounded by arsonists and kids with mittens pinned to their jackets all year round.

Hey, Dad- [All] We wanna go back to Springfield.

What? We've got it great here.

And for the first time in my life, I'm actually good at my job.

My team is way ahead of the weather machine and germ warfare divisions.

[Sighs] It's up to you, Homer.

Whatever you decide, that's what we'll do.

[Groans] [All Shouting] [Female Electronic Voice] T- minus one minute 35 seconds.

- Uh, I got a problem, Hank.

- Aw, gee, Homer, could it wait a sec, please? Well, it's pretty important.

- Say, what's goin' on? - I'm having a little trouble with the government.

Oh, those jerks- always walking over the small businessman.

Don't get me started about the government.

What's the problem? - Well, my family wants to move back to Springfield.

- [Screaming] Let 'em go.

You'll stay here with me.

We'll go bowling.

What's bothering 'em? Nothing big.

It's just a lot of little things.

Well, you can't argue with the little things.

It's the little things that make up life.

Homer, I'm disappointed, but I think you need to do what's best for your family.

Well, thanks for everything, Hank.

[Female Electronic Voice] T- minus 14 seconds.

- If you need anything, you call me.

- All right.

What's the number? I never had to call my own company.

Someone will tell you upstairs.

But, Homer, on your way out, if you wanna kill somebody, it would help me a lot.

[All Screaming] [Laughing] [Hank] Hey, Homer, you're missin'out on some fun! [Explosion] [Grunts] Uh-oh.


Let me just get my girlfriend, and I'll go.

- Hey, Crystal, wake up! - [Doorbell Rings] Telegram.

"Project Arcturus couldn't have succeeded without you.

"This will get you a little closer to that dream of yours.

"It's not the Dallas Cowboys, but it's a start.

Drop me a line if you're on the East Coast.

Hank Scorpio.

" [Players Chattering] Aw, the Denver Broncos! I think owning the Denver Broncos is pretty good.

- Yeah, yeah.

- Well, explain to me why it isn't.

[Sighs] You just don't understand football, Marge.

[Woman Singing] [Ends] - [Murmuring] - Shh!