The Simpsons Episode Scripts

4F09 - Grade School Confidential

[Chorus Singing] [Tires Screeching] D'oh! [Screams] [Squeaking, Popping] [Skinner On P.


] And, finally the bake sale to raise money for the car wash.

has been canceled due to confusion.

Well, that concludes this morning's announcements.

I'm Seymour Skinner.

And stand by to resume learning in five - four, three, two- - Ugh! It's hard enough to keep the kids awake without you, Seymour.

- [Firecrackers Exploding] - [Kids Screaming] Mrs.

Krabappel, I also have an announcement to make! - Can't it wait till I retire? - Um- [Clears Throat] I want one and all to join me in celebrating the anniversary of my portentous birth! - Here you are, Nelson.

- A birthday party? [Blows Raspberry] - Here you are, Nelson! - [Blows Raspberry] - Here you are, Nelson! - I said- [Blows Raspberry] [Engine Rewing] All right, men, get ready to blast off.

Whoo! We're in orbit now! What's that? A call from the president? Hello? [Imitating Richard Nixon] Uh, yes.

Let me just say this about that.

- Okay, Mr.


- Bart, this is boring.

[Homer] There's some dangerous crab grass growing here.

- I guess we could go to Martin's party.

- I don't know.

If we're seen there, it'll definitely take our social standing down a notch.

- We're what now? Three? - Three-and-a-half.

We get beat up, but we get an explanation.

Beautiful colors.

Never has- [Muffled] Mayday! Mayday! [Dixieland] [Dings] - Hmm.

- [Snapping] - Bart! - [Swallowing] Uh, Mrs.

K? Hey, it's Saturday! Your powers are useless against me.


I'm just here to have fun like everybody else.

[Chuckles] - Don't think of me as a teacher.

- Okay.

- So.

- Mm-hmm? - [Slurping] - [Laughing] Excuse me.


- [Laughing] - [Crying] Mama! Hey, Houdini! Why don't you saw Martin in half? Oh, I'm not the kind of magician who does tricks.

- I'm a mathemagician! - [Groaning] - Oh, man! - Now, prepare to marvel at the mysteries of the universe as I make this remainder- [Speaking In Deep Voice] disappear.

[Chuckling] But seven goes into 28 four times.

Uh- This is a magic seven! [Children Chattering] - Edna! - Seymour.

- Mind if I sit down? - Eh! It's a free country.

- l-I don't follow you.

- Oh! Just sit down, Seymour.

It might be nice to talk to a grown-up for a change.

Well, this party is certainly a break in my routine.

You know, normally I spend my Saturdays carefully laying out my clothes for the following week.

Then I stroll down to the car wash to see if Gus is there.

Oh, yeah.

You've gotta keep busy.

I collect matchbooks from glamorous nightclubs.

It's amazing.

If you just write to them and ask them nicely- - Is this how you imagined your life, Edna? - Well, yes.

But then I was a very depressed child.

- To poor decisions.

- Hear! Hear! - [Guzzling] - [Woman] Seymour! I told you not to play in the neighbor's yard! It's a party, Mother.

I was invited.

Well, then I must have been invited too.

- [Running Footsteps] - Help me, Edna.

I know where we can hole up for a while.

[Crying] That's it! Looking good.

Getting warm.

[Groans] I feel queasy.

Don't stop, Milhouse.

You're so close! I gotta barf! [Retches] Where's the bathroom? - [Vomiting] - [Children Shrieking] [Moaning, Groaning] Oh, my tummy! I told you we should've served cake instead of oysters! I'm ruined! [Grunts] Ha-ha- [Groans] [Siren Blaring] [Moaning, Whimpering] Bart, how come you're not sick? Eh, I gave my oysters to the cat.

[Retching] Hey, why'd you eat 'em? I thought you were a vegetarian.

[Softly] I didn't.

I just wanted to leave.

- More tea, Edna? - What kind of little boy has a tea set? [Chuckles] I think we both know the answer to that.

- A lucky boy! - [Chuckles] You know, Seymour there's an innocence about you that can be quite charming.

Oh! Well, I've always admired your tart honesty and ability to be personally offended by broad social trends.

- Really? - Mm-hmm.

Very much.

- And your laugh.

- You mean, "Ha"? Mm-hmm.

That's the one that makes me feel- [Groaning] Hoo, boy! [Sneezes] You have a breath mint I could borrow? - I've got some menthol cigarettes.

- Oh, the heck with it! Mm.

[Kissing] [Whimpers] [Romantic Strings] [Bart] You are never gonna guess what I saw at Martin's party after you guys left! - You know that playhouse? Well, l- - Good gravy! Oh, thank you.

It's just brown and water.

So I looked in the window and there it was- the grossest sight I have ever- [Skinner] Bart Simpson, report to the principal's office immediately! Now, Bart, son I don't know what you think you saw, but let me assure you- What Seymour- Oh! What Principal Skinner means to say, Bart is that sometimes a little boy's imagination can run away with him.

That's the best you can do? You could've at least said you were giving her C.



, or rehearsing a play.

Is it too late to say that? - Mm-hmm.

- [Clears Throat] We're just a little concerned.

If people were to find out the principal was dating a teacher, they might see it as a conflict of interest.

[Chuckling] There are those who might use it against us for their own advantage.

- Like me, for one.

- Like you, for- Bart, if life has taught me one lesson repeatedly, it's to know when I'm beaten.

Let's talk deal.

[Grunts] As you know, Bart, your permanent record will one day disqualify you from all but the hottest and noisiest jobs.

What do you say, son? You keep our secret and some other student can inherit your gloomy, windblown future.


This is a great day for forbidden love.

Mmm, this dessert is exquisite.

What do you call it? - Applesauce.

- [Laughs] Of course.

I'm sorry, I don't get out to restaurants much.

That's okay.

I don't entertain much.

Usually, it's just soup for one, salad for one, wine for three.

[Laughs] You know, I always thought I'd fall for a woman just like Mother.

Even though I didn't want to.

And now that I haven't I've discovered what true happiness can be, Edna.

Seymour, swallow that applesauce and kiss me! I'm afraid I already swallowed it while you were talking.

- [Kissing] - [Spoon Clatters] Good morning, students.

Way to go there, Wendell! There's Ralph.

He knows the score! Jimbo, how's that hat today? Janie, Janie, Bo-phaney! "The only way to survive a deadly blaze is-" Oh, heck! Life's too short for fire safety.

Let's go outside and pick wildflowers.

[Cheering] [Skinner On P.


] Bart Simpson to the principal's office, posthaste.

[Humming Classical] Bart! So good to see you.

I have a little favor to ask you.

I'd like you to give this note to Edna when you get back to class.

I don't think I have to tell you it's for her eyes only.

"Dear Edna, I want to-" [Mumbling] [Skinner] I hear reading! [Neon Tubes Buzzing] [Chattering] - Do you think anyone saw us? - No.

It went just as we planned.

- Except they confiscated my thermos of cola at the door.

- Ohh- - Skinner! Krabappel! - [Gasps] - What are you two doing here? - Superintendent Chalmers! Uh, why, we're-we're on a, uh, a-a what do you call it? Field trip! - With a student! - [Skinner] Yes! He's, uh- He's purchasing refreshments in the lobby! I'll go get him right now.

[Hoarsely] Car keys! Car keys! Car keys! [Drowsily] Stop pushing me! What's going on? Just enjoy the movie.

It has Tom Berenger.

[Movie Theme] - [Car Door Slamming] - You think they actually filmed this in Atlanta? - I don't know.

I don't think it's important.

- Yeah.

[Beeping] Mother doesn't approve of me dating.

So, I need you to keep her busy for a few hours while Edna and I sneak out.

- [Door Slams] - Oh, I can't take much more of this! I collect pictures of cakes that I clip out of the magazines.

It all started in 1941, when Good Housekeeping featured a photo of a lovely cake.

You wouldn't happen to have any real cakes around here, would you? Oh, my, no! I don't care for cake.

Too sweet.

Now, this is called a Lady Baltimore cake.

At my age, I don't have much saliva left so you'll have to lick my thumb before I can turn the page.


Can't I just turn the page for you? No! But you can pick out any picture you want to take home with you.

- Okay.

That one.

- No! - Ow! - You can't have that one! That's a coconut cake! [Pencils Scratching Paper] Bart Simpson! How many times do I have to tell you, no talking? Report to the principal's office! - But-but- I wasn't- - And here.

Take this with you.

- [Groans] - Mrs.

Krabappel - Bart has something he wants to say to you.

- I won't say it! - Bart! - Oh! [Gagging, Swallowing] - I love you, Edna Krabappel.

- [Laughing] - Bart's gonna marry the teacher! - Where are you registered, Simpson? - [Groans] - Thank you, Bart.

That was very sweet.

You may sit down now.

They're not gonna get away with this.

I'm going to step out for a few minutes, class.

Martin, you're in charge.

Now, Bart, uh- [Coughs] you must promise not to fall in love with me.

[Students Laughing] Now Martin's scoring off me.

Oh, that is it! Listen up, everybody! Follow me! [Sherri And Terri] What's going on, huh? What's happening, Simpson? Where are we going anyway? Okay, crew.

Set your faces to stunned.

[Children Gasping] Um- Um- School dismissed! And then Bart opened the door, and Principal Skinner and Mrs.

Krabappel were kissing! - [Gasping] - And swearing! Father! Uncle Apu! A teacher was in the closet with the principal.

And he had as many arms as Vishnu.

And they were all very busy.

- [Both Gasping] - Wow.

I was in the library at the time.

ButJanie told me that Principal Skinner and Bart's teacher, Mrs.

What's-Her-Name? - Krabappel? - Yeah, Krabappel.

They were naked in the closet together.

- [Gasps] Oh, my goodness! - Wait a minute.

Bart's teacher is named Krabappel? I've been calling her Crandall.

Why didn't someone tell me? Oh, I've been making an idiot out of myself! Mrs.

Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies.

[Chuckling] And I saw one of the babies.

And the baby looked at me.

The baby looked at you? Sarah, get me Superintendent Chalmers.

- [Keypad Beeping] - Thank you, Sarah.

- Skinner! - Uh- Superintendent Chalmers! The whole town's in an uproar about your sleazy shenanigans! Now, I'm going to give you a choice.

You can give up this tawdry, fulfilling relationship or you two will be out of here so fast your mortarboards will spin! - And where is your mortarboard anyway? - [Groans] Right here, sir.

So, what'll it be, Seymour? Well, I'm sorry.

But I can't give up the woman I love.

Well, then I'm afraid you leave me no choice.

I want you out of the building by 3:00.

You're fired.

Edna too.

[Gasps] It's going to be hard to say good-bye to all of you.

We've had a lot of fun together.

Nelson, Nelson, Nelson.

How many kids have you beaten up this year? - I don't know, 50? - Ah, 50.

Where does the time go? You wanted to see me, Principal Skinner? Mm-mmm.

It's Mr.

Skinner now.

I'm just a man.

Bart, I want to apologize for the awkward position Edna and I put you in.

Your-Your help made our love possible.

I don't know what we'll do without you.

Now, so long.

Wait! You don't have to leave just because Superintendent Chalmers told you to.

- What are you getting at? - You've spent your whole life following orders.

From your mother, the army, Superintendent Chalmers.

Just this once, man, stand up for yourself.

- Okay, Bart.

- Let's go, Seymour.

Okay, Edna.

l- No, wait.

We're not going anywhere! I'm gonna do what Bart should've told me to do a long time ago! [Filtered] Attention, Springfield.

We have barricaded ourselves in the school and are not coming down until our demands are met.

Willie hears ya.

Willie don't care.

Obviously, you two have no experience causing a scene.

- [Keypad Beeping] - I'll be right there.

All right, people, we've got an escaped octopus on the roof of Springfield Elementary.

- Let's roll! Two cameras! - [Woman] Let's go! Come on! Come on! So, once again, I've been had.

But an even more interesting story has developed high atop this two-story school.

A love story.

Skinner, get off of my school! No.

You get off of my school.

Homer, Bart's up there! Give me that! [Over Bullhorn] Bart, this is your father! Do you know where the remote is? I looked all over the house.

[Shouting] Did you check your pocket? [Bullhorn] It was- [Turns Off Bullhorn] It was in my pocket.


Stay in the school.

We don't want you to come out.

" - [Bart] You got it.

- Damn! All right, boys.

Roll up the sound truck.

- We'll blast them out with music.

- [Brakes Hissing] - [Feedback Squealing] - [Piano] [Big Band] Oh, Edna, I hope this siege never ends.

Seymour, you're heaven in Hush Puppies.

[Groaning] Turn the music off! Ha! It's working like a charm, boys.

Now, cut the power and hit 'em with the lights! - [Relays Clicking] - [Continues] [Groaning] Ugh! - [Ringing] - [Grunting] - I'll get it.

- [Rings] - Talk to me.

- You have got to end this thing, Seymour.

We're not coming down until our jobs are reinstated and you acknowledge and celebrate our love.

No one would like to celebrate your love more than I.

But I am a public servant, and not permitted to use my own judgment in any way.

Then let us take our case directly to the townspeople.

Oh, yeah.

That'll be real productive.

Who do you want to talk to first? The guy in the bumblebee suit or the one with the bone through his hair? My opinions are as valid as the next man's! - Yeah, all right.

Just come on down.

- [Beeps] Well, this is it.

- What are you going to do? - I'm going to go out there and tell every man, woman and child that I love Edna Krabappel! Well, that's nice.

But first you gotta grab their attention.

And I think I know how.

I have a bomb! [All Gasping] Hey, wait a minute! Those are hot dogs! Armour Hot Dogs! What kind of man wears Armour Hot Dogs? It was a good idea, Bart.

But it's just not working.

Just speak from the heart, Seymour.

Tell them how we brought a little happiness into each other's lives.

Ask them why they're forcing two dedicated people to choose between their careers and their hearts! Excuse me, Edna.

I don't think we're talking about love here.

We're talking about S-E-X in front of the C-H-l-L-D-R-E-N.

Sex Cauldron? I thought they closed that place down! What are you people talking about? My child told me you two were having sex in the school janitor's closet.

- You know, making babies! - Yes! Illicit sex! Doing "it!" "It!" "It!" Sordid, public, sexual congress! This is absurd! I did not have relations in that closet! And the fact is, I haven't- [Gasps] Uh- Yes? Seymour, I think you'd better tell them.

It's the only way to clear our names.

[Clicks Tongue, Exhales] Well, everyone the fact is, I haven't ever had relations.

I am a virgin.

- Ha-ha! - [Muttering] - Hey! Does this mean that Mrs.

Krabappel is a virgin too? - [Nelson] Ha! Well, Seymour, it's clear you've been falsely accused because no one, anywhere, ever would pretend to be a 44-year-old virgin.

Oh, that's for sure! I'm inclined to agree.

Ach! I'll never look at him the same again.

That was more than I wanted to know.

[Clearing Throat] Okay, well, um- Edna, Seymour, in light of these, uh, revelations I suppose we overreacted.

- Do we have our jobs back? - What? Oh, yes, yes, yes.


Just, uh, you know, keep the lewdness to a minimum.

[Whispering, Indistinct] I'm outta here! Skinny, Crabby, catch you later.

Uh, hold on, Bart.

May we have a word with you? We want to thank you for helping us through a difficult period.

Oh! No problemo.

So, I guess now you'll be getting married or something, huh? Well, actually, Seymour and I have decided to break up.

- Huh? - We can't continue on like this trying to build a private relationship in public- the whole town watching our every move with a fine-tooth comb- Mm-hmm.

I'm used to humiliation.

But not in front of a crowd that size.

Oh, but you seemed like such a good couple.

Bart, when you get a little older you're going to learn that sometimes romances don't turn out exactly the way you'd like them to.


That's why I love elementary school, Edna.

The children believe anything you tell them.

[Laughing] [Both Laughing] - [Champagne Cork Pops] - [Edna] Whoo! Oh, Seymour! - [Murmuring] - Shh!