The Simpsons Episode Scripts

4F15 - Homer vs. the 18th Amendment

[Chorus Singing] [Tires Screeching] D'oh! [Screams] [Couch Whinnying] You sure look stupid in that green dress, Lise.

That's funny.

I don't feel stupid.

[Chattering] Hey.

Everybody's wearing green.

- Oh, no.

- Pinch! Happy St.

Patrick's Day, loser! Ow! Quit it! It's the wearin' of the green, Bart! Pinch, pinch, pinch! - No one's pinching his legs.

- Pinch, pinch, pinch, pinch! Oh! Oh! It's been St.

Patrick's Day for hours, and I'm still not drunk yet! Oh, it's never gonna be 9:00.

Moe! Moe! Thank God you're here.

We'd like to come in and drink, please.

- We kicked down the back door, but then there was a metal door.

- Yeah, all right.

Listen up.

This is the busiest drinking day of the year.

Where are the designated drivers? Beat it! I got no room for cheapskates.

Top of the mornin' to ye on this gray, drizzly afternoon.

Kent O'Brockman live on Main Street where today everyone is a little bit Irish.

except, of course, for the gays and the Italians.

All right, then.

Move along.

- Nothin' to see here.

- Show's over, folks.

- Parades just bring out so many emotions in me- - [Horn Blowing] joy, excitement, looking.

Mom, can I go buy one of those long, plastic horns? Oh, Bart, we've bought those before and you always just throw them out the car window on the ride home.

[Sighs] I get bored with them.

But that won't happen this time.

[Groans] Beep-beep! Comin' through! Hey, Notre Dame, move it or lose it.

A-oo-ga! Will the owner of the great big butt please move it out of my face.

- [Man] Climb it, man! All right! - Hey, Ma, I'm on TV! - Hey, where's that weather chick? - Ooh! This is some wicked party, huh? - Hey, have you seen Sully? - Get away from here! Hey! I need that pencil! Ladies and gentlemen, what you are seeing is a total disregard for the things St.

Patrick's Day stands for.

All this drinking, violence, destruction of property- Are these the things we think of when we think of the Irish? [Cheering, Shouting] [Bart] Hey, give me some room! Watch the elbow, Seamus! Hey, look, everybody! Free beer! Open your yaps, boyos! [Gulping] Hey, what the- Oh! [Belches] Everybody- Everybody get naked! Come on.

Don't be stuck-up.

It's going to be great.

Well, why not? This party's just getting started! Stop the celebration! That small boy is drunk! [Laughing, Hiccups] - [All Gasping] - [Voices Overlapping] [Hiccuping Continues] - Yea, Bart! - Yea! [Chattering] Look at me! I'm the prime minister of Ireland! Hey, Homer, ain't that your kid on TV? What are you lookin' at? [Hiccups] "What are you looking at?" The innocent words of a drunken child.

Well, I'll tell you what we're looking at, young man.

A town gone mad! A town whose very conscience was washed away in a tide of beer and green vomit.

- I'm going down to Moe's for a couple beers.

- I'll come with you.

No! No more drinking.

I'm tired of looking like the world's worst mother.

Oh, honey, you're not the world's worst mother.

What about that freezer lady in Georgia? - [Groans] - [Kent Brockman On TV] But what's the solution? Are we so bereft of ideas that we must revive the antiquated notion of prohibition? Channel 6 says yes.


[Scoffs] They tried that in the movies, and it didn't work.

I predict this is the last we'll be hearing about prohibition.

[All Chanting] We want prohibition! We want prohibition! You can't seriously want to ban alcohol.

It tastes great, makes women appear more attractive and makes a person virtually invulnerable to criticism.

[Sobbing] Won't somebody please think of the children? - What kind of an example are we setting? - [Wiggum] Ladies, please.

All our founding fathers, astronauts and World Series heroes have been either drunk or on cocaine.

Uh, uh, uh, wait.

Lookee here.

[Blows] Seems there's been a prohibition law on the books in Springfield for 200 years.

It's just never been enforced.

- [Voices Overlapping] - Get out of here, old clerk guy.

There's also a law requiring ducks to wear long pants.

Wait a minute! Let me see that! Well, I'll be darned.

Long pants.

Read the other one, the non-duck one.

"And spirituous beverages are hereby prohibited under penalty of catapult.

" [Chuckling] Did you see this, Bernice? Eh- Oh, my.

[Cheering] No, we're not worried.

Our customers buy Duff for its robust taste, not its alcoholic content.

I predict our new alcohol-free Duff Zero will sell even better than our previous brand.

Oh! [Grunts] Well, that's the end of me.

[Whistling] [Up-tempoJazz] [Man Narrating] Dateline, Springfield.

With prohibition back in force, sobriety's peaceful slumber was shattered by its noisy neighbor, the speakeasy.

Glad you're finally back in business, Moe.


That was a scary couple of hours.

[Narrator] The suppliers of the illegal booze- gangsters- running truckloads of smuggled hooch all the way from Shelbyville.

- And John Law was helpless.

- You didn't see nothin'.

[Chuckles] I don't know why people are always bad-mouthing the Mafia.

[Up-tempoJazz] [Belches] Whoo! Wa-ho! So! - [Ends] - Oh, geez.

This looks bad.

Better turn on the old Wiggum charm.

[Clearing Throat] [Chuckling] [Gasps] Pervert! Oh, boy.

That sounded bad.

We demand you bring in a police chief who will enforce the prohibition law.

Demand? Who are you to demand anything? I run this town! You're just a bunch of low-income nobodies! Uh, election in November.

Election in November.

What? Again? This stupid country.

[Narrator] With rum-running hoodlums in the catbird seat Springfield sent for the one man who could clean up the town and shoot the gangsters- Rex Banner.

[Goofy Laugh] Whoa! Whoa! Ow! Hey, I was watching that.

And I was sittin' there.

Rex Banner.

I'm running this department now.

Wiggum, you're out, suspended indefinitely! Huh? Tuck in that shirt! Get those shoes shined! Take that badge out of your mouth! You're police officers.

Well, what are you waiting for, somebody to kiss you good-bye? Well? No, no, no.

I guess not.

[Narrator] Wasting no time, Rex Banner tore into the bootleggers like a chippie tearing into a lobster.

[Tires Screeching] [Rapid Gunfire] How do you know you don't like bribes if you've never taken one? - Here.

- Say, this is nice.

- No! No bribes! - Okay, you win.

- From now on, we'll stick to smuggling heroin.

- See that you do! At first, I thought prohibition was a good thing.

People were drinking more and having a lot more fun.

But without beer, prohibition doesn't work.

Hey, hi.

Can I arrest any of you people for anything? - No.

- Aw, geez.

I don't have anything to do anymore.

With Banner around, alcohol and crime are history in this town and so am I.

Now, don't say that! Alcohol is a way of life.

Alcohol is my way of life, and I aim to keep it.

Sounds like you have a plan.

Maybe I do, Chief.

Maybe I do.

- Come on, boy.

Think of a plan.

- I'm tryin', Dad! Kent Brockman at the now-closed Duff bottling plant where a mysterious person in black keeps a solitary vigil.

- [Barney Belches] - I've got it! We're going out, Marge! If we don't come back, avenge our deaths! - [Marge] All right! - [Door Slams Shut] [Bart] Whoa! Bonanza! - Let's load it up before the rats regroup.

- Right.

Now, remember, don't mention this to anyone- not to your mother, not Rex Banner, not anyone! [Both Straining] [Scoffs] Rex Banner.

What a dope! Yeah.

Look at him try to aim that stupid gun.

- [Gunshot] - [Both Scream] [Siren Wailing] Hang on, Son! - Dad, knocking over a gravestone is bad luck.

- Really? I heard good.

What happened to you, Homer? - And what have you done to the car? - Nothin'.

I don't think it had broken axles before.

Before! Before! You're livin' in the past, Marge.

Quit livin' in the past.

That's funny.

I used to be able to go down there.

- [Both Straining] - Going bowling.

Not back, avenge deaths.

Why do you have so many bowling balls? Oh! I'm not gonna lie to you, Marge.

- So long! - [Door Slams Shut] - [Car Doors Slamming Shut, Tires Screeching] - [Groans] Aw, rats.

Another gutter ball.

- Gee, Homer, you sure do suck tonight.

- Yeah, suck like a fox! [Boisterous Laughter] There you go, Barn.

That'll be 45 bucks.

Forty-five bucks? This better be the best-tastin' beer in the world.

You got lucky.

You see, boy? The real money's in bootlegging not in your childish vandalism.


So many wasted nights.

- What's the matter, Chief? - Yeah.

You've barely touched your Banana Kaboom.

This isn't a very happy birthday for Rex Banner.

[Singing, Indistinct] Hello, fishies! [Belches] - [Yells] - Listen, rummy! I'm gonna say it plain and simple.

Where'd you pinch the hooch? - Is some blind tiger jerking suds on the side? - Yes? Wait a minute.

I forgot to make sure the coast was clear.

Ah, it's probably clear.

Let's go.

- [Gasps] - Beer! I can explain, Marge.

Please let me explain.

Oh, why won't you let me explain? You're the one the papers have been talking about- that mysterious Beer Baron who's been supplying Springfield with alcohol.

How have you been getting away with this? Well- And I can explain, remember? I fill the balls with beer that I found at the dump.

And then I bowl them and some underground pipes take them into Moe's.

Homer, that's very clever.

- Huh? - Mom? Well, it is.

I've known your father since high school and this is the cleverest thing he's ever done.

Besides, he's only breaking a silly, 200-year-old law.

It is silly, Marge.

And look at all the money I'm making! - Whoo! - Mom! Prohibition may be unpopular, but it's the law, and we still have- [All] Go to your room, Lisa! [Up-tempoJazz] [Pounding] Open up, Curly! This is a raid! A raid? Curly? Um, all right, but, uh I don't know what you expect to find in a simple, uh, neighborhood pet shop.

[Bird Squawking] Pet shop, eh? Well, I just have one question.

What kind of pet shop is filled with rambunctious yahoos and hot jazz music at 1:00 a.

m? Um- Oh.

The best damn pet shop in town! - [All] Yeah! - All right.

But you people remember, baby turtles and alligators may seem like a cute idea for a pet but they grow up.

Let's go, boys.

Ow! Those gears down there really hurt.

You're out there somewhere, Beer Baron and I'll find you.

[Homer In Distance] No, you won't.

- Yes, I will.

- Won't.

[Narrator] Dateline, Springfield.

The elusive Beer Baron continued to thumb his nose at authorities.

Swaggering about in a garish new hat, he seemed to say "Look at me, Rex Banner.

I have a new hat.

'" Hey, boy, get cracking.

Moe upped his order to 20 balls a night.

- Uh, Dad- - Call me Beer Baron.

All the beer from the landfill is gone, Beer Baron.

We're out of business.

But I can't be out of beer.

I'm the Beer Baron! Homer, my customers are sobering up and they ain't gonna stick around for the "ambiance.

" - You gotta get me more beer! - Sorry, I'm all out.

How about some turpentine? Or caulk? Delicious caulk? Look, find it, buy it, make it- I don't care.

- Just get me some booze, and fast! - Make it, eh? Forty-two bathtubs, please.

- You know, they're 50 for $3,000 today.

- I said 42! Now you're making your own alcohol? That's even more illegal than what you were doing before.

[Chuckling] Remember, honey we're disobeying an unjust law here.

We're patriots, like all those people in jail.

- [Rumbling] - [All Cheering] [Sniffing] Who wants a bathtub mint julep? Mm-hmm! - Are you the Beer Baron? - Well, if you're talking about root beer I plead guilt-diddily-ilty as char-diddily-arged.

He's not the Baron.

But he sounds drunk.

Take him in.

- Are you the Beer Baron? - Yes, but only by night.

By day, I'm a mild-mannered reporter for a major metropolitan newspaper.

- Don't crack wise with me, tubby.

- Tubby? Oh, yes, tubby.

- Hey, Banner, how's it hangin'? - None of your business.

[Rumbling] - [Both Screaming] - What on earth happened down there? - One of the stills- - Uh, nothing, Marge.

I think it must've been that bean I had for dinner.

[Explosions] Kaboom! Blam! Oh, excuse me again, dear.

Homer, there's no point in pretending you're making those noises.

Your homemade liquor is exploding again.

- What, dear? Kablamo! - [Explosion] You made some money and had the fun of being a wanted criminal.

- Why not quit now while you're ahead? - [Explosion] Boom.

- I'll be right back.

- [Rumbling] - [Explosion] - [Homer Screaming] [Screaming] Oh, it's hot! Oh! Ooh! I thought about what you said, honey, and I've decided to quit.

Oh, well, fun's over.

- But I still have my wonderful money.

- Stick 'em up! Geez! What happened to you, Wiggum? You look terrible.

Yeah, never mind how I look.

Are you gonna give me the money or not? Well, I don't think so.

You don't even have a trigger on that thing.

Yeah, I had to sell the trigger and most of the handle to feed my family.

Come on! Give me the dough! I can throw this pretty hard! - Poor Wiggum.

- Poor Wiggum.

- I'll bet you really hate Rex Banner, huh? - Um, who? - The guy who took your job.

- Oh, yeah.

More than anything in the world! Hey, how would you like to show him up by beating him at his own game? [Cheering] I'm happy to report that the flow of illegal liquor seems to have dried up public drunkenness has ceased, and those mysterious liquor clouds over Evergreen Terrace are gone.

People, Rex Banner has won your war against alcohol! - [Cheering] - What about the Beer Baron? I suspect he was just an invention of the media.

The idea that someone like that could operate under my very nose is laughable.

[Gasping, Choking] Well, you all know what laughter sounds like.

We now go live to Evergreen Terrace where I'm informed that former Police Chief Wiggum has captured the Beer Baron.

- [Murmuring] - They captured Homer? Then the liquor-filled bowling balls traveled through a network of underground pipes finally emerging at a nearby speakeasy.

- You forgot one thing, Wiggum.

- Yeah, what's that? I filled the balls with a funnel.

That was a very sweet thing you did for poor Wiggum.

But what's gonna happen to you? Oh, probably just a slap on the wrist.

"A nd he who shall violate this law shall be punished by catapult.

" [Straining] Last time I help you.


I thought you'd get a fine or at most, three, four years in jail.

Hold it! This machine is two centuries old.

Better test it first.

Oh! - [Screeching] - Okay, go ahead.

Wait! Wait! You can't do this! All my husband did was violate a law that doesn't make sense.

Now, I'll admit, car crashes and fistfights have been down recently but prohibition has cost us our freedom- our freedom to drink! - [Cheering] - Now, hold on a minute, missy.

It's not up to us to choose which laws we want to obey.

If it were, I'd kill everyone who looked at me cockeyed! - Our laws are in place for a reason.

- Send him back to Mama, boys.

[Yelling] That was unexpected.

Well, reset the catapult, and let's get this over with.

Wait! I have discovered more lines on the parchment.

It says that the prohibition law which was passed here 200 years ago was repealed 199 years ago.

Release the prisoner! Oh! On behalf of the city, I'd like to apologize and ask how long it will take for you to flood this town with booze again? Well, sorry.

I'm not in that business anymore.

Four minutes.

[Narrator] And so one town's briefflirtation with prohibition ended in a joyous remarriage to Lady Liquor.

Congratulations, Springfield.

We wish you the very best! To alcohol, the cause of and solution to all of life's problems.

[Cheering] - [Murmuring] - Shh!