The Simpsons Episode Scripts

4F13 - My Sister, My Sitter

[Chorus Singing] [Tires Screeching] D'oh! [Screams] [Screams] [Upbeat] Tonight on Eye on Springfield.

opening day at the world's first two-story outhouse.

[Man] Oh, God! Stop! A comedy nurse who's laughing all the way to the blood bank.


How many of you are here for shoulder surgery, huh? - [All Groaning] - Got ya! But first- move over, Baltimore.

Springfield has stolen your idea.

I'm walking on the waterfront, once the center of a thriving squid-gutting industry now abandoned by all but a few longshoremen and allied tradespeople.

But the decades of rot will end with the opening of the South Street Squidport an upscale shopping promenade with authentic maritime theming.

And to kick it all off in style area merchants will host a black-tie gala Saturday night.

Ooh, that sounds fabulous, Homer! - Stores throw the best parties.

- You like parties, huh? Well, I just remembered they're having a big one down at the waterfront this weekend.

You didn't remember that.

You just saw it on TV.

The important thing is I didn't imagine it.

I can't get enough of The Babysitter Twins.

They arrested the counterfeiters, rescued the president and made four dollars! I love everything about the world of babysitting- the responsibility, the obligation, the pressure.

And full refrigerator privileges! That's a trust, Janie, a sacred trust.

Geez! Lighten up, Lisa.

- [Organ] - [Reverend Lovejoy] That concludes our service.

All right.

I have two announcements.

Friday you will have the chance to "party down" in the church basement to theJesus-rock stylings ofTestament.

That's Friday, 6:00 p.



[Snorts] All the best bands are affiliated with Satan.

Also, anyone in need of a reliable and affordable babysitter should call Lisa Simpson.

Mention the topic of today's sermon to get a dollar off.

[Man Coughing] [Clears Throat] The topic was love.

Why hasn't anyone called? Maybe people don't want an eight-year-old babysitter, honey.

Parents need to be sure their sitter can handle anything that might happen.

That's why they hire teenagers.

But- But I'm very mature for my age.

- People often mistake me for nine.

- [Doorbell Rings] Homer, I've got a Fozzie of a bear of a problem.

Maude and her mother were visiting Tyre and Sidon the twin cities of the Holy Land.

They must've kneeled in the wrong place and prayed to the wrong god because, well, they're being held prisoner by militants of some sort.

Militants, huh? Well, if I were you, I'd kick their asses.

Well, anyhoo-dilly-doodle, the embassy says it's just a routine hostage-taking but I have to drive to Capital City, fill out some forms to get them out.

Could you possibly watch the kids tonight? Oh, gee, I'd really love to want to help you, Flanders but, uh, Marge was taken prisoner in the Holy Land, and- I'll do it! I'll babysit! Oh, I don't know, Lisa.

You're awfully young, and the boys can be a handful.

Todd's been pinching everyone lately.

But I'm smart and responsible, and my parents will be right next door.

Well, what do you say, Homer? - Can Lisa babysit for my kids? - Please, please, please! Uh, I'll have to ask her.

- Where are the dice? - Daddy says dice are wicked.

We just move one space at a time.

It's less fun that way.

[Both] Moth! Moth! Moth! Moth! Moth! Moth! Don't worry.

A moth is no more harmful than a ladybug.

A ladybug? [Screaming] [Groans] They're gonna get eaten alive in middle school.

And thank you for sending Lisa to protect us from the bug you sent.

And please make Lisa tell us a bedtime story about robots named Rod and Todd.


- Once there was a robot named Todd- - Did he have a brother? Yes, he had a brother robot named Rod, who was two space years older than him.

I don't like this story! [Ned] Oh, imagine that! Sleeping quietly after a bug attack.

And Todd's as dry as a bone! Lisa, you're a wonder.

I'm gonna recommend you to everybody! So long, Lisa! If anything goes wrong, just dial 911 - unless it's an emergency.

[Lisa] Okay, Chief! Enjoy Bob Saget! [Chuckles] It's Bob Seger.

Aw, crap! Now, put your left leg into the left side of the pants, and you're done.

I dress myself.

Hey, Dad.

How come you're wearing a tuxedo? Going to that fancy waterfront party tomorrow.

- Why are you wearing it now? - It's like a rent-a-car, Son.

You get all the mileage you can then ball it up and cram it through the mail slot.

- [Car Door Opens, Closes] - [Lisa] Thanks for the ride! Well, you did a first-rate job of babysitting.

I've never seen such a responsible young lady.

Thank you, Dr.


Your trust means so much to me.

I only wish my Volvo mechanic were as reliable.

[Laughing] Good night, Lisa.

You made all that money for sitting around and watching TV and eating food? There's a lot more to it than that, Bart.

I don't just babysit.

I sell peace of mind for a dollar an hour- two dollars after 9:00.

Man, if I was making that kind of money, I'd be out of here so fast! [Giggles] [Lisa] You look so glamorous, Mom! [Sniffs] Oh, and you smell like vanilla flowers.

Dad, you look totally classy.

You could be Abe Lincoln's father's boss.

- Can you see the pie stains? - It'll be dark.

So, when's Grampa getting here to babysit? Um, Grampa's not coming.

Oh, not Patty and Selma! - Actually, Bart, Lisa's going to be in charge tonight.

- What? I know she's young, but Lisa has proven herself mature and dependable.

Dad, help me out.

Take it like a man, boy, and do everything your little sister says.

This is an outrage! I am two years and 38 days older than she is! This is the greatest injustice in the history of the world! Well, we have to run.

I'm sure you kids will work things out.

Good night.

- [Kissing] - But- uh- uh- Make sure he brushes his teeth, Lisa.

Bart, I know you're not wild about having me for a babysitter but I'm not some ogre.

I think you will find me fair and fun.

- You're dead.

- You should wash up for dinner.

To make it fun, you can use the Mr.


- It'll be like giving your fingers a bubble bath.

- You are so dead.

Oh, I love this pedestrian mall.

There's practically no traffic.

- [Horn Honking] - [Gasping] I don't think we should be driving here.

The mayor's yelling at us.

- Stop, you idiots! - All right.

All right.

Geez! Okay, honey.

Remember where we're parked.

[All Grumbling] - May I have some more lima beans, please? - Certainly.

- More than that.

- Certainly.




Uh, maybe you should eat the ones you have.

I didn't say I was gonna eat them.

I just wanted to look at them because they're so gross.

- What's for dessert? - [Sighs] Bart, if you don't want to have a babysitter, maybe you should stop being such a baby.

Oh, I'm a baby, huh? Well, then I'll act like a baby.

Ga-ga! Goo-goo! Even babies know how to open and close their mouths.

- You need a bib.

- [Gags] Oh, baby hate bib.

[Fake Crying] Oh, look, Bart.

Now you got Maggie all upset.


I'll give her some ice cream.

[Coos, Sighs] Bart, that's coffee ice cream.

It has caffeine in it! Well, I guess that'll make things more interesting for you now, won't it? [Gasps] Ooh, it's so beautiful! - This is what I imagine Paris must be like.

- You've never been? I'm so honored that Springfield has been chosen to host all these upscale chain stores.

I guess this makes us yuppies, huh, Homie? Nah.

I'm really more of a slacker.

Ooh! Malaria Zone! That's where all the explorers shop! Look, Marge! A restaurant owned by celebrities! I always wanted to be a celebrity.

[Laughing] Yes, it's true.

The entire menu was personally approved by my secretary.

Isn't that clever? It looks like a Cadillac drove right into the building.

Help me.

Wow! Even Moe's moved to fancy new digs.

Hey, this isn't faux dive! [Scoffs] This is a dive.

You're a long way from home, yuppie boy.

I'll start a tab.

Maggie, if you come down I'll give you some more coffee.

Lots more coffee! - Are you getting ready for bed, Bart? - I am! That's right.

I want the 25-foot Italian party sub.

And don't skimp on the vinegar.

It's time Lisa learned what babysitting Bart Simpson is all about.

[Beeping] Yes, I'd like to host an A.



Tonight, if possible.

Come on, Maggie.

Good Maggie.

The talcum powder's not to play with.

[Coughing] Oh! Okay, Bart.

Now it's really time for you to go to bed.

[Grunts] Why do you have to make this so hard? I'm using nonviolent resistance.

Ugh! The idea that you would compare yourself to Mahatma Gandhi! - Who? - [Doorbell Rings] I'll answer it.

You go to bed.

Good evening there, miss.

Here's your giant sub, swimming in vinegar, just the way you like it.

It's gonna be $225, plus tip.

- What? I didn't order any giant sub.

- [Doorbell Rings] - Hey, hey! Are you ready to get rowdy? - Excuse me? Somebody hired me for an emergency bachelor party.

Well, there's been a mistake.

Well, I'm not leaving till I get paid.

- I get 500 just for "Hey, hey!" - [Siren Blares] Who called for an emergency "sisterectomy"? - [Angry Grunt] - [Shutter Clicks] [Doorbell Rings] We got a report that a Lisa Simpson spotted a U.



I didn't see any U.


O! That's right, miss.

You didn't.

I'm here to pick up the ambassador from Ghana.

Well, he's not here! Nobody's here! And none of you should be here! You've all been tricked! - [All Gasping] - Why would the ambassador do such a thing? - [Krusty] This is ridiculous.

- [Grumbling] [Growls] Bart, you are gonna be in so much trouble when Mom and Dad get home.

- Now, go to bed! - You're the boss.

[Groaning] I thought I told you to go to bed.

Yeah, right.


" You said, "Go to bread.

" I said, "Go to bed.

" - Yeah.

"Go to bread.

" - B-E-D! Bed! Oh! "Bed"! Oh.

- Well, anything you say, Sis.

- [Growls] - You didn't say which bed! - Go to your bed! - Make me! - I'll make you! If you want me, you gotta catch me! - [Grunts] - Almost.

- [Snarls] - Oh, so close.

Bart! [Grunting] Son of a- [Grunting] Oh, my God! Okay, we'll call it even if I can just have some of that big sandwich.


[Nervous Chuckle] I'll come back.

[Gasps] Bart, are you okay? Yeah, I think so.

It's just a bump on my head.

[Gasps] Eww! Your arm! It's got extra corners! [Gasps] Oh, cool! It must be dislocated or something.

We have to get you to the emergency room! And get this fixed? What's the rush? Don't you want everyone to see what a responsible babysitter you were? Stop it! Stand still! Maybe I can pop it back in.

Oh, no.

I'm going to preserve the evidence until Mom and Dad get home.

And you'll never babysit again! - [Door Slams] - [Groans] You know, honey, when I think of all the good times we've had together- [Gasping] Did you see that, Marge? Oh, my God! You walked into the fountain! Get out of the fountain! [Gasping] Just stand still, and I'll get someone! [Whimpering] [All Laughing] Don't laugh at me.

I was once like you.

Bart, you need first aid! Let me in! I'm afraid you'll hurt me again.

Bart, if you come out, I'll let you eat raw cookie dough.

I'll let you ride the lawn mower through the house! Come on! Open the door! - [Banging] - What are you doing now? I'm banging my head.

I'm gonna make the lump even bigger.

[Sinister Laughing] No! As your babysitter, I order you to stop hitting your head on the wall! [Banging Continues, Thudding] Bart? Did you stop because I said to? If so, thank you.

Bart? [Whimpering] [Gasps] [Gasps] - [Beeping] - [Woman] 911.


This is Lisa Simpson and- Simpson? Look, we've already been out there tonight for a "sisterectomy" a case of severe butt rot and a leprechaun bite.

How dumb do you think we are? - [Dial Tone Humming] - [Groans] Wait! Dr.

Hibbert! Hmm.

Dislocated shoulder, bump on the noggin.

My diagnosis? Bad babysitting! Well, near as we can tell, the boy was studying quietly when the girl, drunk on her own sense of power beat him silly with a block of frozen lima beans.

It's true! Young lady, you will never babysit again! I am so disappointed.

[Echoing] - pointed, -pointed.

Oh! Well, I guess I don't have a choice.

"Complete confidentiality"? Oh? Well, I'm sure he's as good as Dr.


It says so right in his ad.

What's the matter, Marge? I thought you loved Jell-O shooters.

[Slurping] Oh, I do.

I'm just a little concerned about the kids.

Maybe I should call.

Oh, come on, Marge.

Relax! Lisa's in charge.

She's the responsible one.

[Grunts] Hold on, Bart.

Everything's gonna be just fine.

I'm gonna get you to a doctor.

He will fix you up, and by this time tomorrow, we'll all be a happy family.

Happy, happy, happy family! [Quiet Cooing] Maggie! Please, Maggie.

Please go to sleep.

Yo, um, I must've, like, fallen on a bullet and it, like, drove itself into my gut.

Hey, don't worry.

You don't have to make up stories here.

Save that for court.

Um, excuse me, Mr.


Bart may be seriously hurt.

Could we possibly go ahead of you? Um, no.

I really would rather get this taken care of.

Excuse me, little lady.

The wheelbarrow line's over there.

[Monkey Hooting] Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix.

[Groans] - [Siren Blares] - Hold it right there.

Well, if it isn't Springfield's finest little babysitter, Lisa Simpson! Hi! How are you? Um, I'm fine.

Now, Lisa, when you're walking down the side of the road you always want to be sure to go with traffic, okay? Well, is that with traffic or against traffic? It's with traffic.

With traffic.

Anyway, good night.

[Sighs] Uh, hold on a minute.

Let me have a look at that wheelbarrow, please.


Just as I thought! It's a Yard King! That is a quality barrow.

Well, I gotta run.

[Car Door Closes, Engine Starts] [Tires Screech] Oh, God! Where's Bart? [Gasps, Loud Groaning] [Whimpering] [Screams, Grunts] Oh, Bart, I'm so sorry.

This is all like a bad dream! [Electronic Hissing] Citizens of Springfield I officially declare this- What the hell is that? Why, it's Lisa Simpson! And look what she's doing! - [Crowd Gasping] - [Man] I don't believe it! She's murdered her brother! - And she's trying to dump the body in a harbor! - Well, duh! And as a grim finale, she intends to drown that poor caged baby! Oh, what's happening? Where am I? - And she's on drugs! - Give me the drugs, Lisa.

Dad, I'm not on drugs! I was just trying- [Gasps] His arm! Oh, my special little guy! Are you okay? Hmm.

Dislocated shoulder, bump on the noggin.

My diagnosis? Rather nasty fall caused by bad babysitting.

[Crowd Murmuring] - Hey, Bart.

How's your arm? - It's all right.

I was hoping they'd give me one of those steel claws, but what are you gonna do? I'm- I'm sorry I was such a jerk last night.

Guess I sort of ruined your babysitting business.

Yeah, well, that's okay.

I can always sell seeds.

Do you want some seeds? - No, thanks.

- [Groans] - [Rings] - Hello.

World's worst babysitter speaking.


Hibbert] Lisa, I'm glad I reached you.

Are you available to babysit tonight? Aren't you afraid I might take drugs and injure your children? Yes, that is a concern, but it's so hard to find a sitter and I've got judo tonight.

- [Beeps] - Um, okay.

I'm sorry.

Can you hold on, please? - Hello? - Lisa? Ned Flanders.

You available tonight? Didn't you hear I almost killed my brother? You did? Just a minute.

[Faint Conversation] What time can you come over? - [Murmuring] - Shh!