The Simpsons Episode Scripts

4F14 - Brother from Another Series

[Chorus Singing] [Tires Screeching] D'oh! [Screams] [All Gasp] [Man] Live from Springfield Penitentiary's fabulous big open area in cell block "D" it's the Krusty the Clown Prison Special.

- [Country, Upbeat] - [Prisoners Cheering] [Singing] [All Grumbling] Hey, hey, I kid.

I kid 'cause I love.

I tell ya, the best folk in the world are prison folk! Man, those cons love Krusty.

Inside every hardened criminal beats the heart of a 10-year-old boy.

And vice versa.

Just remember, Bart.

Convicts aren't cool.

They're bad people.

Yeah, maybe so, but they get the job done.

Hey! Now I know where my tax dollars are going.

- [Rimshot] - [Chuckles] Huh? Hey, hey! It's my old TV sidekick, Sideshow Bob! Why, I haven't seen you in years! What have you been doing with yourself, Bob? Well, Krusty, as you may remember, after I tried to frame you for armed robbery I tried to murder Selma Bouvier.

Let's see.

I rigged the mayoral elections I tried to blow up Springfield with a nuclear device, and I tried to kill you.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

And whenever I could find a spare moment, I've tried to murder Bart Simpson.

[Screaming] - [Door Slamming] - He said "tried"! [Groans] Someone should really go up there and talk to him.

- [Groans] - [Sighs] - Homer! - Ohh, all those stairs.

Oh, you have nothing to worry about, honey.

Your mother's right, Bart.

Sure, you're the one who ruined all of Sideshow Bob's criminal schemes.

We're very proud of you, by the way.

And, sure, he's probably so insane with rage that he'd butcher you horribly if he could.

But he's safely locked away.

- In a medium-security prison.

- For life! - Unless he gets out somehow.

- Which is impossible! Or so you think.

Except he's done it so many times before.

Thanks for trying, guys.

But Sideshow Bob wants me dead.

And Sideshow Bob is an unstoppable killing machine.

- [Organ] - [Singing] [Organ Stops] Well, that was lovely, Robert.

You other cons could benefit from his shining example.

[All Grumbling] Really, Reverend, your praise is gonna get me beaten up.

I'm sorry, Bob, but your transformation is truly inspiring.

Yes, I'm a good, good man.

You know, it's hard to believe this model prisoner could be the same monstrous fiend who once ran for mayor.

It's a pleasure to have recommended you for the work-release program.

Me? I'm touched.

I really am.

But you'll never find anyone willing to hire a five-time loser like me.

I already have.

Cecil? Is it really you? Hello, Brother.

I'm happy to see you.

But it's been 10 years.

We haven't spoken since the unpleasantness.

- You mean Arthur Fiedler's wake? - No, no, no.

I mean our falling out.

Oh, that! That's ancient history.

Let's make a fresh start.

Come work for me.

But this is wonderful! You do know I used to have a- [Clears Throat] problem with trying to kill people? Goodness, I had no idea.

For, you see, I have been on Mars for the last decade in a cave with my eyes shut and my fingers in my ears.

Touch�, Cecil.

I'm aware of your felonious past but you are still my brother.

And blood is thicker than bread and water.

You don't have to worry about me, Brother.

- I'm all murdered out.

- Praise the Lord! [Crowd Shouting] Get back in there! Get back in there! How can you even think of releasing Sideshow Bob? He's just faking it to get out of jail! He's a maniac! Bob is no maniac.

He explained his reasons for trying to kill us all.

And I assure you, they were perfectly sane.

- Oh, you gotta be kidding! - My friends, please! I make no secret of my past.

But isn't our system of justice based on the idea that a man can change? Uh, have the boys check into that.

I know I don't deserve another chance.

But this is America.

- And as an American, aren't I entitled to one? - Probably! Can't you find it in your hearts just to let me live and work in peace? - [Crowd Cheering] - [Whimpers] Hi! Don't you see what you've done? Sideshow Bob hasn't reformed.

He's pure evil! Oh, if only you knew what he was thinking! [Thinking] I hope they still make that shampoo I like.

Now, make yourself at home.

Perhaps a glass of Bordeaux? I have the '82 Ch�teau Latour and a rather indifferent Rauzan-S�gla.

I've been in prison, Cecil.

I'll be happy just as long as it doesn't taste like orange drink fermented under a radiator.

That would be the Latour then.

And God bless Mom and Dad and Lisa and Maggie.

And please, God, kill Sideshow Bob.

- Bart, no! - It's him or me, O Lord! [Grunts] You can't ask God to kill someone! Yeah! You do your own dirty work.

Well, I suppose I should ask you what you do if I'm to be working with you.

For me, Bob.

For me.

I am Springfield's chief hydrological and hydrodynamical engineer.

Hydrological and hydrodynamical.

Talk about running the gamut.

- Snigger all you like, Bob.

- Thank you.

I believe I shall.

But you'll find one gets more respect as a humble civil servant than as a homicidal maniac or a clown's sidekick.

Aha! I knew it! You're still angry that Krusty picked me instead of you.

- I can't imagine what you mean.

- Oh, come now! You wanted to be Krusty's sidekick since you were five! What about the buffoon lessons? The four years at clown college? I'll thank you not to refer to Princeton that way.

The point is you obviously still blame me for what happened at your audition.

[Whimpers] Thanks for driving me, big brother.

These giant clown mitts are extremely hilarious, but do make it difficult to shift gears.

That's the title of Erma Bombeck's latest, isn't it? Number 73.

You're next.

Make with the laugh-laugh.

- [Drumroll] - [Clears Throat] Hey, children! Meet me, Sideshow Cecil! [Krusty Imitating Buzzer] Next! Uh, I have prepared a pie-in-the-face take.

[Groans] All right.

Knock yourself out, kid.

Hal! Ooh.

Ha-ha! Free comedy tip, slick.

The pie gag's only funny when the sap's got dignity! Like that guy.

Hey, Hal! Pie job for Lord Autumnbottom there! Oh, dear.

That guy's a genius! He's gonna change the way we think about getting hit by pies! Chumley, you're hired.

When that pie hit your face, I saw my dreams explode in a burst of cream and crust.

But I suppose I should thank you.

After all, it led me to my true calling.

Cecil, no civilization in history has ever considered chief hydrological engineer a calling.

- [Clearing Throat] - Yes, yes.

The Cappadocians.


There it is.

The future site of the Springfield hydroelectric dam.

Just the thought of that raw, surging power makes me wonder why the hell I should care.

Because you'll be supervising the construction crew.

Oh, great.

Whenever a woman passes by I suppose it will be my job to lead the hooting.

Oh, yeah! Shake it, madam.

Capital knockers.

Come on, Bob.

This is your chance to show the people of Springfield you can hold down an honest job.

He's planning something evil, I know it.

It must have something to do with the town's water supply.

Maybe he's gonna pee in the river.

Mmm, nah.

That's not his style.

Who is that? Why, it's Bart Simpson! Hello, Bart! - He's just shy because I've tried to kill him so many times.

- Ah.

I really must thank you for this moment of tranquillity, Edna.

You know, I haven't been on a date in six years.

Oh, the pleasure's mine, Bob.

It's so exciting to be dating a killer.

To be fair, I never successfully killed anyone.


I see.

I did once try to kill the world's greatest lover.

But then I realized there are laws against suicide.

[Laughing] - You get my drift.

- Oh, you.


Krabappel, no! That's Sideshow Bob! Well, that's the last time I announce my dinner plans in class.

That was Edna Krabappel.

You only get one chance with Edna Krabappel.

I hope you're happy.

I won't be happy until I find out what you're up to.

Wherever you go and whatever you do, I'll be there watching and waiting.

He says that, but I bet he gives up pretty quickly.

Hello, Brother.

All's well I trust? It most certainly is not! The workmen you've given me don't know their asses from the hole in the ground they accidentally blew yesterday.

Come now.

You speak as if they were a gaggle of slack-jawed yokels.


Terwilliger, come quick! There's trouble down to the cement mixer, sir! See, Cousin Merl and me was playing fetch with Geech.

That's our old smellhound and- Geech gone to heaven, Mr.


Oh, Cousin Merl, really! Temper, temper.

You know Cousin Merl ain't been quite right lately.

I'm telling you, Cecil, I can't take much more of this! Rustic workmen who have turned the Sanijohn into a smokehouse.

Coveralls that don't quite cover all.

And a psychotic little boy who will not stop hounding me! This little boy right here! Sometimes I wish this dam would burst and bury this cursed town.

Hey! You said we were going to Dairy Queen.

I lied.

Now help me rummage through Bob's trash for clues.

Then I promise we'll go to the waterslide.


[Screaming] You again! Well, that's it.

I'm going to do what I should have done a long time ago.

[Knocking] Madam, your children are no more than a pair of ill-bred troublemakers.

- Lisa too? - Especially Lisa! But especially Bart! If he crosses me one more time, just once more well, I can't be held responsible for my actions.

Well, I hope Bob fed you 'cause I ate your dinners.

I know it's hard to accept, Bart, but face it.

Sideshow Bob has changed.

No, he hasn't.

He's more the same than ever.

And I know where the evidence is.

There's only one place it could possibly be.

Bob's trailer at the construction site? That's even better.

Let's go there.

- What were you thinking? - The haunted mine.

Blueprints, concrete invoices, construction schedules.

If I didn't know better, I'd swear Bob was building a dam.

Oh, yeah? Then explain this! [Gasps] Bart, there must be millions of dollars there.

- What is Sideshow Bob doing with- - [Doorknob Rattling] [Growls] - [Grunting] - [Both Screaming] Who left the lights on? Who's in here? Cletus? Cousin Merl? Big HungryJoe? [Bart] I think he may have spotted us.

[Lisa] Run! You two.

Be careful! There's hydroelectricity in there! [Bart] Oops.

Will you children stop tormenting me! I've done nothing wrong.

Give it up, Bob.

We found the money.

Where did that come from? I've never seen that money before in my life.

Then you must have had your eyes closed when you embezzled it! I told you, I'm not a criminal anymore.

You want to know what I've been up to? Here's a clue for you, Jack! One hundred thousand tons of reinforced concrete.

Oh, my God! It's completely hollow! What happened to all the concrete? You cut back on building materials and kept all the money for yourself.

- That's what happened.

- Get him, Lise! [Shouting] But I wasn't in charge of the money.

Cecil was.

Now, let's stop bickering and get out of here.

This dam could collapse at any minute! [Cecil] One minute past sunrise, to be precise.

- Cecil? - Once I blow up the dam there'll be no evidence of missing concrete, and I walk away with 15 million.

But everyone will know you did this! Perhaps.

Or perhaps they'll blame the master criminal.

You know, the one who's been working at the dam and has a grudge against Springfield.

I know Cousin Merl has had his troubles with the revenuers, but he's hardly a master- - Oh.

You're referring to me.

- Yes, I'm framing you.

And I'm doing a really excellent job too.

Wait a minute.

This is all because I got to be Krusty's sidekick instead of you, isn't it? Off the record, yes.

But officially, I did it for the money! Speaking of which, hand it over.


I forgot to mention, I'm planning to blow up the dam with you inside.

Well, obviously.

[Door Locking] - Oh, it's hopeless.

Utterly, utterly hopeless.

- Oh, I see.

When it's one of my schemes, you can't foil it fast enough.

But when Cecil tries to kill you "It's hopeless.

Utterly, utterly hopeless.

" Well, if you kids aren't going to foil him, I'll have to do it myself.

Come on! Quickly now! Bart, for once I'm not trying to kill you.

I know it's awkward and I don't like it any more than you do.

But you've got to trust me.

Ah, what the hell.

[All Inhale Deeply] [All Screaming] [Coughing] [Gagging] [Coughing] - Let's go again! Let's go again! - No! Come on, children! Let's go thwart my brother! [Cecil Singing Joyfully] [Singing Stops] Um, do you know what you're doing? Lisa, you don't spend 10 years as a homicidal maniac without learning a few things about dynamite.

Plunger, check.

Hard hat, check.

Fifteen million dollars and a gun, checkmate.

Good-bye, Bob! No-o-o! - Guess who! - Maris? [Groaning] O-O-Oh shoot! - [Bart, Cecil Grunting] - Bob, look! At last I'm going to do what Bob never could- kill Bart Simpson! By throwing me off a dam? Isn't that a little crude for a genius like you? Ooh, I suppose it is.


If anyone asks, I'll lie.

[Screaming] [Gasps] Bart! Bart! [Gasps] [Both Screaming] - Cecil.

- And now to kill you.

There may be a slight ringing in your ears.

Fortunately, you'll be nowhere near them.

I guess this is it.

Thanks, anyway.

You know, I could snip the wires.

We'd fall to our deaths, but we'd save the entire town.

Bart, how would you like to do something incredibly noble? - Do we have to? - Yes.

[Both Screaming] [Screaming Stops, Both Inhale] [Screaming Resumes] [Bob Whimpers] You-You saved my life, Bart.


I guess this means you can't ever try to kill me again, huh? Oh, I don't know about that.

- [Whimpers] - Joking.


[Sirens Wailing] You've brought shame to this family, Cecil.

Oh, I don't relish having to write the Christmas letter this year.

Nor I to read it.

You know, Bob, all this time I thought you were a bungler.

But destroying this city is far tougher than I thought.

- Here's your man, Chief.

- Cecil? I think not.

This looks like the work of crazy old Sideshow Bob.

- No, Chief, Bob's innocent.

It's the truth.

- The truth, huh? That sounds like the testimony of crazy old Lisa Simpson.

But Cecil just voluntarily confessed, Chief.

That's some good work, Lou.

You'll make sergeant for this.

Uh, I already am sergeant, Chief.

Perhaps you are.

But I say Bob goes back to jail.

But surely- I mean, I caught Cecil! Maybe so.

But Lou here says you were resisting arrest.

- No, I didn't, Chief.

- Quiet, Lou or I will bust you down to sergeant so fast it'll make your head spin.

[Chuckles] Funny, isn't it, Lise? Those people down there have no idea how close they came to complete destruction.

Marge, I'm going to look for the kids! [Gasps] [Rumbling] I think I wet my bed.

But you can't do this! I saved the children's lives! - I'm a hero! - Tell them they'll live to regret this.

You'll live to regret this! Oh, thanks a lot.

Now I look crazy.

There they go, two criminal geniuses locked away together.

Who knows what diabolical schemes they might concoct? [Both Grunting] I'm older! I get the top bunk! Oh, poppycock! I called it at the arraignment! Get back! So, when do they bring us the menus? - [Murmuring] - Shh.