The Simpsons Episode Scripts

4F11 - Homer's Phobia

[ Chorus Singing ] [ Tires Screeching ] D'oh! [ Screams ] - [ Shouting ] - [ Boy ] Come on! Come on! All right.

Everybody got their ticket? Then get ready for today's Super Barto jackpot drawing.

[ Machine Whirring ] - Come on, canteloupe! - And round and round she- - [ Machine Sputtering ] - Uh-oh.

[ Buzzes ] [ All Screaming ] - [ Explosion ] - [ All Screaming ] No refunds.

Force majeure.

Read the back of your ticket.

Oh! $900? Well, we'll have to dip into the retirement fund again.

[ Homer Sighs ] [ Grunts, Shouts Indistinctly ] [ Coins Rattling ] [ Groaning ] Ah, nuts.

Hello? China? A little help? Well, I never thought it would come to this but I guess we'll have to sell Grandma's Civil War doll.

Oh, Mom, are you sure you want to sell a family heirloom to pay the gas bill? I mean, what would your grandma say? I'm sure she'd be proud that her descendants had piping hot tap water and plenty of warm, dry underwear.

That is so true.


These campaign buttons are all partisan.

Don't you have any neutral ones? " May the better man win''- " Let's have a good, clean election''- that sort of thing? Uh, no, but we do have some old shirt buttons.

They're kind of kooky and fun.

Missy, you just talked yourself right out of a sale.

Hey, Lise, check it out- pogo stilts.

These were banned in all 50 states.

- [ Thud ] - [ Homer Screams ] Oh.

! What happened? Wow.

An actual robot from the movie Clank, Clank, You're Dead.

[ Groans ] Think of how awful it would be for the poor midget inside.

Aw, boo-hoo.

That's what they get paid for.

[ Gasps ] Homer, look! Look.

A TV Guide owned byJackie O.

Oh, you should see the crossword puzzle.

She thought that Mindy lived with Mark.

- Give her a break! Her husband was killed! - Oh, I know.

Wasn't that awful? Hi.

I'm John.

Can I help you with anything? Yes.

I have something that I'd like to sell.

- Please tell me it's your hair.

- [ Chuckles ] No.

It's an heirloom my grandmother passed down to me- a very rare old figurine from the Civil War.

Please don't construe our ownership of this - as an endorsement of slavery.

- Hmm.

Well, see, here's the thing on this.

It's a Johnny Reb bottle, early 1 97 0s.

One of theJ&RWhiskey Liquor Lads.

Two books of green stamps, if I'm not mistaken.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

No, no.

No, no.

It's a very, very old figurine.

No, it's a liquor bottle.

See? Ahh! That'll make your bull run.


Well I guess it'll always be a monument to Grandma's secret drinking problem.


So maybe that thing's a hunk of junk.

But look at what you're selling.

Fifty bucks for a toy? No kid is worth that.

Oh, but this is the Rex Mars Atomic Discombobulator.

Don't you just love the graphics on this box? No.

How can you love a box or a toy or graphics? - You're a grown man.

- It's camp! The tragically ludicrous? The ludicrously tragic? Oh, yeah.

Like when a clown dies.

Well, sort of.

But I mean more like inflatable furniture or Last Supper TV trays, or even this bowling shirt.

Can you believe somebody gave this to Goodwill? [ Sighs ] - And that kind of stuff is worth money? - Boy howdy! Man.

You should come over to our place.

It's full of valuable worthless crap.

Well, if you're inviting me over.

I practically insist.

Shall we say 5:00? The snacking hour? My heart is palpitating.

Hoo-hoo! Pimiento nose, and voil�- Mommy's patented happy cracker snack platter.

[ Doorbell Rings ] -[ Doorbell Rings ] - Ding-dong.


I mean, that says it all, doesn't it? Oh, man.

You weren't kidding about this place.

- Well, I just love it.

- Do I know you? Oh, the color scheme and the rabbit ears.

And the 2.

3 children.

I mean, where's the Hi-C? - Hi-C and Fluffernutters.

- Oh! And pearls on a little girl.

It's a fairy tale.

[ Babbles ] Oh, I've got the exact same curtains, only in my bathroom.

Didn't you just die when you found these? Not really.

They just had corn on them.

Kitchen, corn.

- Oh! - [ Laughs ] - Ha! - Ow! - Why, you little- - [ Sputters ] Dad! - I'll teach you to- - Dad! Company! Company! Oh.

I'll just be another minute,John.

- Have a seat.

- [ Sputtering ] So, do those records have camp value? Everything here does.

You yourself are worth a bundle, Homer.

Why, I could wrap a bow around you and slap on a price tag.

- [ Laughs ] - [ Woman Singing ] Come on, Homer.

Join the party.

- [ Continues ] - Mom,John loves Itchy and Scratchy as much as we do.

Maybe more.


And he collects toy robots.

He is quite a charmer.

Your father's certainly taken a shine to him.

- [ Continues ] - Oh! Homer, you are the living end.

- [ Laughs ] - [ Laughs ] Oh! ThatJohn is the greatest guy in the world.

We got to have him and his wife over for drinks sometime.

Mmm, I don't think he's married, Homer.

Oh, a swingin' bachelor, eh? Well, there's lots of foxy ladies out there.

Homer, didn'tJohn seem a little festive to you? Couldn't agree more.

Happy as a clam.

- He prefers the company of men.

- Who doesn't? Homer, listen carefully.

John is a homo- - Right.

- sexual.

[ Screams ] Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

I danced with a gay.

Marge, Lisa, promise me you won't tell anyone.

Promise me! - You're being ridiculous.

- Am I, Marge? Am I? Think of the property values.

Now we can never say only straight people have been in this house.

I'm very sorry you feel that way becauseJohn invited us all out for a drive today, and we're going.

Whoa-ho-ho! Not me! And not becauseJohn's gay, but because he's a sneak.

He should at least have the good taste to mince around and let everyone know that he's that way.

What on earth are you talking about? You know me, Marge.

I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming.

! [ Horn ] - Zap! - [ Gasps ] Homer, at least come out and say hello.

- No.

No, no.


Oh, no.

- Oh, come on.

You liked John this morning.


I'm not setting foot outside this house until that man is gone.

Oh, Dad, you are the living end.

Hey, where'd that cool, creepy Santa come from? Japan.

Except over there they call him "Annual Gift Man,'' and he lives on the moon.

And that's where Kent Brockman was caught cheating in the Springfield Marathon.

- Ooh! - Whoa! And there's where Lupe Velez bought the toilet she drowned in.

- Ooh! - Whoa! That was a killer tour, man.

I never realized how many celebrities humiliated themselves right in our own backyard.

This is a sordid little burg, isn't it? Makes me sick in a wonderful, wonderful way.


- [ Shudders ] Waylon.

I'd like you to meet the Simpsons.

I know the Simpsons.

[ Lowered Voice ] So this is your sick mother? Don't do this to me, Waylon.

[ Laughing ] How'd it go? Tell me everything that happened.

- He didn't give you gay, did he? Did he? - Oh, geez Louise! You don't even know what you're worried about anymore.

John's a witty, urbane person.

Oh, and I'm not? Hey, Dad, look what I got.

Zap! Zap.

! Zap.

! Zap.

! Bart! Where'd you get that shirt? - I don't know.

Came out of the closet.

- Uh huh.

I hope you all saved room because I made your favorite dessert.

Store-bought snack cakes- both kinds.



- Hmm- Hmm.

- [ Gasps ] Grr! [ Homer Babbling ] [ Babbling Continues ] Homie, I can hear you chewing on your pillow.

What's wrong? [ Spits ] Marge, the boy was wearing a Hawaiian shirt! - So? - There's only two kinds of guys who wear those shirts- gay guys and big fat party animals.

And Bart doesn't look like a big fat party animal to me.

So if you wore a Hawaiian shirt, it wouldn't be gay? Right.

Thank you.

I hope you realize this is all your fault.

I mean, do you have to be so effeminate around the boy? Homer, I don't think there's a problem with Bart.

But if there is, it's probably because you're not spending any time with him.

Good night.

- [ Humming ] - [ Woman Singing ] All right, boy, come on.

Today we're gonna- [ Screams ] [ Continues ] - Gonna what, Homer? - [ Record Needle Scratches ] And Helen Lovejoy- Sure, she looks blonde but I've heard cuffs and collar don't match, if you get my drift.

I don't, but I loved hearing it.


! I should have known.

- Good morning, sunshine.

- Homer,John brought us cactus candy.

Look,John, you seem like a perfectly nice guy and all.

Just stay the hell away from my family! Well, now you don't get any candy.

No, that's cruel.

Take a teensy piece.

- No.

- Homer, what have you got against gays? You know! It's- It's not usual.

If there was a law, it would be against it.

Oh, Homer, please.

You're embarrassing yourself.

No, I'm not, Marge.

They're embarrassing me.

They're embarrassing America.

They turned the navy into a floating joke.

They ruined all our best names, like Bruce and Lance and Julian.

Those were the toughest names we had.

Now they're just, uh- - Queer? - Yeah, and that's another thing.

I resent you people using that word.

That's our word for making fun of you! We need it! Well, I'm taking back our word, and I'm taking back my son.

Don't worry, boy.

We're gonna set you straight.

By tomorrow morning, you'll be a regular Burt Reynolds.

What are you talking about, Homer? Where are we going? Just a couple of good old-fashioned manly places, father and son.

[ Thinking ] You're leaving the arm there too long.

You want to make it worse? [ Gasps ] No, no.

He'll know you're on to him.

Quick- shake his hand.

Just remember, Son- whatever happens, I'll always love you.

[ Thinking ] As? As? As a father.

A father.

Regular father.


- What am I supposed to do here? - Nothing.

Just sit.

I'll be back.

Well, it's been two hours.

How do you feel? I don't know.

I kind of want a cigarette.

That's a good start.

Let's get you a pack.

What's your brand? - Anything slim.

- [ Shouts ] Okay, that didn't work.

But I know something that will.

[ Machinery Clanging ] Bart, I want you to shake hands with- What's your name, fella? - Roscoe.

- Roscoe here runs this mill.

He's gonna show us around and let you get a firsthand look at real all-American Joes doing what they do best.

- Why would I wanna see that? - You'll thank me on your wedding night.

- [ Machinery Clanging ] - [ Hammering ] [Jackhammer Drilling ] Hey.

Listen up.

I want all of youse to say hello to the Simpsons.

[ Effeminately ] Hello! [ Gasps ] Has the whole world gone insane? - [ Lisping ] Stand still! There's a spark in your hair! - Get it! Get it! Get it! [ Groans ] - Hot stuff comin' through.

- [ Yelps ] Dad, why did you bring me to a gay steel mill? I don't know! This is a nightmare! You're all sick! Oh, be nice! Oh! My son doesn't stand a chance! The whole world's gone gay! - [ Whistle Blows ] - Oh, my God! What's happening now? We work hard.

We play hard.

[ Dance ] [ Woman Singing ] Oh! [ Continues ] And the entire steel mill was gay.

[ Scoffs ] Where you been, Homer? Entire steel industry's gay.

Yeah, aerospace too- and the railroads.

And you know what else? Broadway.

Yeah, I always thought Bart would grow up to be just like us.

- What happened? - Ah, it ain't no mystery.

Whole modern world's got a swishifying effect on kids today.

And their MTVs and their diet sodas ain't gonna set 'em straight neither.

You gotta do it yourself,Homer, and you gotta do it fast.

But what would turn Bart into a man fast? - You have to think for me.

- Well, let's see now.

Uh- Time was, you send a boy off to war.

Shootin' a man'd fix him right up.

But there's not even any wars no more- Thank you very much, Warren Christopher.

Hey, better yet, Bart could shoot a deer.

That's like shooting a beautiful man.

Hey, he's right, Homer.

After the boy bags a deer all the diet sodas in the world won't turn him back.

Then you just sit back and watch the grandkids roll in.

Hunting, eh? [ Laughing ] [ Growls ] Stand aside, Marge.

I'm taking the boy deer hunting.

He's going to grow up straight for once! What? You never went hunting before, and you're perfectly straight.

Oh, yeah? How long since you've had a baby? But, Dad, it's barbaric.

How does killing a deer make you more of a man? - It just does.

Name me one gay Indian.

- Uh-oh.

Something's gonna die.

Butt out, buttinsky.

What would you know about hunting? I know this much.

I wouldn't wear that hideous hat.


Take this one.

It was worn by Yale Summers in Daktari.

Hang on to it, toy boy.

You might need it when it starts raining naked ladies.

- [ Electronic Blasts ] - [ Gasps ] Today you're gonna be a man, Bart.

You guys gonna teach me to drive? Oh, yeah.

Let a twinkle-toes drive Betsy.


[ Laughs ] Yeah.

No, boy.

You can't drive.

You're only 1 0.

You're going hunting.

You ever been huntin' before there, Barty? Nope.

Something about a bunch of guys alone together in the woods- seems kinda gay.

That is a very immature attitude, young man.

Remember, guys.

The truck only holds six carcasses so don't shoot nothin' but trophy bucks, huh? Ah, we should have just stayed at the bar and shot some rats.

Hey, those ain't your rats, Barn.

Homie, you ready to call it quits? Well, but-Wait a minute.

Bart's not fixed yet.

- He hasn't even- - Homer.

Oh- - [ Snoring ] - Come on.

Don't take it so hard, Homer.

You still got that other kid- uh, Lisa.

Let's take her out hunting tomorrow, make her into a man.

No, she'd never go.

She's a vegetarian.

Oh, geez, Homer.


You and Marge ain't cousins, are you? No.

This whole thing is my fault.

I've been a lousy dad.

[ Gasps ] Cheer up, Homer.

Christmas is coming early this year.

Did he say where they were going? No.

They were just going to find a deer and make Bart shoot it.

Deer? Ha! Not around here.

They all migrated north when the state park converted to Astroturf.

But if there's no deer out there, then what are they hunting? Well, the only thing around here that's even close to deer is- [ Blusters ] Hey, boy, wake up.

Your old man found some deer.

Huh? You did? Wait, man.

Those are reindeer.


And it's your shot, Son.

What? I'm not gonna shoot a reindeer in a pen.

Come on, Bart.

Be a sport and kill Blitzen, okay? - Dad! - Ah, criminy.

Here come the waterworks.

Bart, I'm gonna turn my back, and when I turn around I wanna see a whole pile of dead reindeer! - [ Gunshot ] - Thataway, Son! You made your old man proud.

I didn't do anything.

Aye! They're goin' nuts! Like in those nature films! Yeah.

Must be matin' season.

- [ Blusters ] - [ All Scream ] [ Screaming ] [ Screams, Gurgles ] - Dad, I'm scared.

- Me too, Son.

No, don't.

You have to protect yourself.

Son, there comes a time in every father's life when he must- [ Screams, Grunts ] Dad, are you hurt? Just my bones and organs.

- [ Blusters ] - [ Homer Grunting ] [ Grunting Continues ] [ Electronic Beeping ] - [ Grunting ] - [ Electronic Voice ] Ho, ho, ho.

- Ho, ho, ho.

- What the- - [ Continues ] - Ho, ho, ho.

Bart, look.

! It's Santa Claus.

! Ho, ho, ho.

- Ho, ho, ho.

- Whoa! It's Santa, all right.

And he is kickin' ass.

Ho, ho, ho.

Ho, ho, ho.

It's a miracle! No, Ultrasuede is a miracle.

This is just good timing.



Oh, Homie, I'm so glad you're safe.

[ Whimpers ] Hmm.

You feel softer than before.

I've been tenderized.

- How'd you know that thing would work? - The sound is just brutal and I figured reindeer would naturally be afraid of their cruel master Santa Claus.

I mean, wouldn't you be? [ Laughs ] Is it okay to come out now, Mr.

Gay Man, sir? I'll do anything you say- anything! Ah, Moe! We were saved by a sissy.



We'll never live it down.

Ah, boy.

It looks like it's suicide again for me.

Hey, we owe this guy.

And I don't want you calling him a sissy.

This guy's a fruit.

And a- No.

Wait, wait, wait.




That's what you like to be called, right? Well, that orJohn.

This is about as tolerant as Dad gets, so you should be flattered.


Well, Homer, I won your respect.

And all I had to do was save your life.

Now if every gay man could just do the same, you'd be set.

Amen to that.

You know, Bart, maybe it's just the concussion talking but any way you choose to live your life is okay with me.

- Huh? - [ Whispers ] He thinks you're gay.

- He thinks I'm gay? - [ Dance ] [ Woman Singing ] [ Continues ] - [ Murmuring ] - Shh!