The Simpsons Episode Scripts

3G03 - Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala(Annoyed Grunt)cious

[Chorus Singing] [Bell Ringing] [Whistle Blowing] [Beeping] [Jazzy Solo] [Beeping] [Tires Screeching] D'oh! [Screams] [Announcer] It's the Krusty Komedy Klassic.

Hey, hey! It's great to be back at the Apollo Theater and- "K.



"? That's not good.

[Nervous Laugh] - [Groaning] - [AudienceJeering] Oh! Ah! Oh! What? Hey! Oh! [Groans, Yells] [Groans] Now I'd like to introduce a new feature never before seen on TV- "Dumb Pet Tricks.

" [Laughs] Oh, boy.

Here's a dog that's been trained to catch this red rubber ball.

[Yells] Oh! Somebody shoot it.

Somebody shoot it.

These specials get worse every year.

I'll see what else is on.

Hey, where's the remote? Hello? Hello? Stupid cordless phone.

I'll try the old-fashioned model.

Ah! That's better.

- How you doin', Gertie? - [Hissing] And now our parody of Mad About You entitled "Mad About Shoe.

'" Gimme a kiss, baby.

No tongue.

- [Laughs, Groans] - [AudienceJeering] [Groans] You're not gonna like our "NYPD Shoe" sketch.

It's pretty much the same thing.

Ma, could you get me some milk? - Can't you get it yourself? - No, that's okay.

I'll just go without liquid.

[Gagging] Oh, all right, all right.

I'll get your milk.

- Thank you.

- Does anyone else want anything while I'm up? [Together] No.

- Marge, get me a beer.

- [Growls] - Uh, Mom? - What? Um, there's a hair in my soup- but I'll just eat around it.

- What kind of hair? - Well, it's blue, six feet long- - [Both] Eww! - It's my hair! [Gasps] Excuse me.

Your mother seems really upset about something.

I better go have a talk with her- during the commercial.

Now let's hear it for a great American- former President Gerald Ford.

Thank you, Krusty, for inviting me.

- Well, all the good presidents turned us down.

- Oh, well.

I'd like to talk about a subject that is very important to me.

- [Alarm Buzzing] - The Boy Scouts of America have molded men for over 100 years, and- - What are you- - Oh! Uh, how's your wife Nancy? - Betty.

- Who cares? Oh, Marge? I just had a couple of beers.


[Man Singing] [Coughs] [Ends] Marge? I was just watching women's volleyball on ESPN.


Come on.

There's no need for that "baba-ma-bushka.

" All right, but don't be shocked.

Oh, there's no way I could- [Screams] Homie, I'm losing my hair.

Now, sweetie, don't worry about a thing.

I'll teach you to comb it over so no one can tell- Just like my hair.

[Sobbing] Mrs.

Simpson, there's no physical reason why your hair should be falling out.

This thing has me buffaloed.

[Laughs] Phone call, Mrs.

Simpson- Lines one and two.

[Bart] Ma, I need a glass of milk.

- [Lisa] Me too.

- [Groans] I think the problem may be stress.

I was just with Dr.


He said I was under a lot of stress and should get some help.

Marge, whatever it takes to make you well, we'll do it.

Well, I was thinking we could hire a nanny to help me out.

- A nanny? - But how am I supposed to pay for that? We'll find a way.

Mom has made so many sacrifices for us- It's time we gave up something for her.

I'll stop buying Malibu Stacy clothing.

And I'll take up smoking, and give that up.

Good for you, Son.

Giving up smoking is one of the hardest things you'll ever have to do.

- Have a dollar.

- But he didn't do anything.

Didn't he, Lisa? Didn't he? - Hey, wait a minute.

He didn't.

- Homie, please.

I never ask for much, but this is something I really need.

All right, Marge.

I'll get you your nanny.

And to pay for it I'll give up the Civil War re-creation society I love so much.

Well, Homer's out.

We gotta find a new General Ambrose Burnside.

And I'm not too crazy about our StonewallJackson.

The South shall come again.

[Doorbell Rings] Hello.

I'm Mrs.


I understand you're looking for a nanny.

- Pleased to meet you.

- Wait a minute, Marge.

I saw Mrs.


- This is a man in drag! - [Gasps] - You're a phony! Fakey, phony, fraud! - [Whimpering] Give me those! Homer, if you're going to do this to every applicant, we're never going to find one.

- Sorry.

- Hello.

- I'm Mrs.


- [Roars] - [Screams] - I'm here about the nanny job.

I'll keep a watchful eye on your kids and if they get out of line- Pow! - I like him.

- Thanks.

Hey, where do you keep the liquor? I hide a bottle of schnapps in the baby's crib.

I'm sorry, young man.

You're not what we're looking for.

- You're telling me, you blue-haired witch.

- I heard that! [Groans] I guess we're not going to find anyone.

We have our own suggestions for the new nanny.

Would you like to hear them? You have my undivided attention.

[Folk Tune] [Humming] Well, I'd like to hear your suggestions.

Maestro, if you please.

[Intro] [Singing Parody] - Bart! - Just cuttin' through the treacle.

[Continues Singing] Homer! [Continues Singing] I'll do it! [Song Ends] Well, that's nice, kids but I don't know where we're going to find anyone like that.

[Coughs] Whoo, whoo, whoo! - Hello.

I'm Shary Bobbins.

- Did you say Mary Pop- No.

I definitely did not.

I'm an original creation, like Ricky Rouse and Monald Muck.

Now, as your nanny, I'll do everything from telling stories to changing diapers.

Put me down for one of each.

Now, Miss Bobbins, if you want this job you're going to have to answer a few questions.

First, do you have any bad habits? No, I'm practically perfect in every way.

Well, so am I.

[Belches] [Sighs] Okay, question two.

Who was your last employer? Lord and Lady Huffington of Sussex.

- [Whispering] Marge, do we know them? - No.

Come on.

Isn't he the guy I bowl with? The black guy.

- That's Carl.

- Oh, yeah.

So, you worked for Carl, eh? I have a question.

Pop quiz, hotshot.

I'm supposed to be doing my homework but you find me upstairs reading a Play Dude.

What do you do? What do you do? I make you read every article in that magazine including Norman Mailer's latest claptrap about his waning libido.

- Oh, she is tough.

- Shary Bobbins, you're just what we're looking for.

Very well.

Come along, children.

- [Gasps] - Ah! My.

She seems too good to be true.

I'll say.

Her butt waxed the bannister.

Ooh! I can see myself.

All right, children.

Let's clean up this room.

- Aw, man! - Do we have to? Now, now.

I know a little secret that will make the job go twice as fast.

[Singing] [Grunts] [Orchestra] [Continues Singing] [Song Ends] Hi, diddly ho, Shary Bobbins.

Yo! Shary Bobbins.

I picked you some posies, Shary Bobbins.

- Oh, thank you, Nelson.

- Aw, geez.

[Band] [Singing] Ahh! That's the stuff.

Uh, thank you, you ungrateful bas- Shary Bobbins! Is that you? - Hello, Willie.

- You know her? Aye.

Shary Bobbins and I were engaged to be wed back in the old country.

Then she got her eyesight back.

Suddenly the ugliest man in Glasgow wasn't good enough for her.

It's good to see you, Willie.

That's not what you said the first time you saw me.

Extra, extra! Ripper strikes in Whitechapel.

Boy for sale.

Boy for sale.

Is this legal, man? Only here and in Mississippi.

Oh, Shary Bobbins, this is ever so much fun.

With you, every day is Guy Fawkes day.

- Bah, humbug.

- Oh, Mr.

Burns, I think you'll find all life's problems just float away when you're flying a kite.


This is the silliest load of- Oh! Look at it fly! [Giggling] Look at me, Smithers.

I feel practically super-duper, fragically- [Groaning, Moaning] What's this strange sensation in my chest? - I think your heart's beating again.

- Oh, that takes me back.

God bless you, Shary Bobbins.

That Shary Bobbins is a miracle worker.

The kids love her, the house is spotless and my hair's grown back.

It's so full and thick it can support a beach umbrella.

Come to bed, Marge.

Oh! Ooh- No, no.

Leave it in.

[Both Laughing] - It's 8:00, children.

Time for bed.

- But we're not sleepy.

- Sing us a song, Shary Bobbins.

- Yes, sing us a song.

I've been singing you songs all day.

I'm not a bloody jukebox.

Oh, all right.

[Singing] [Yawns] [Singing] [Song Ends] - More kippers, Mum? - Oh, thank you.

Ooh, I can't get enough of this blood pudding.

The secret ingredient is blood.

Blood? Ugh! I'll just stick to the brain and kidney pie, thank you.

I believe my work here is done.

Thank you for everything.

[Together] We'll miss you, Shary Bobbins.

You've changed me as well.

I'm no longer the money-driven workaholic I once was.

I love you all.

[Sobs] To think I'll never hear their sweet voices again.

- [Snarling] - Aah! You little- [Grunting] [Groans] [Gasps] Oh.

I'll just unpack my things.

I think we got our umbrellas switched! Whee! I never felt so alive! [Snoring] Little more.

Little more.

Little more.

- Too much.

Take it back.

- [Groans] [Man On TV] Welcome back to Before They Were Famous.

We all know Rainier Wolfcastle is the star of the blockbuster McBain movies but here's his first appearance in a commercial in his native Austria.

[Singing] Shary Bobbins, I want another beer.

Well, you know, Homer- [Singing] You'll find it's even more fun if you get it for me.

[Singing] Lady, the man asked for a beer, not a song.

D'oh, re, mi, fa, sol- Now let's take a look at a young Charles Bronson's brief stint replacing Andy Griffith in The Andy Griffith Show.

Where's Otis? He's not in his cell.

- I shot him.

- Well, that's a-What? Now I'm goin' down to Emmett's fix-it shop- to fix Emmett.

[Theme] - Bart Simpson, this room is a frightful mess.

- I'll get right on it.

Bart, don't you remember? Cleaning up can be a game.

I got a better game.

It's called whippin' cupcakes.

[Theme Music] [Announcer] Special guest director, Quentin Tarantino.

[Man Singing] - Yeah! - [Whimpering] - [Song Ends] - [Screams] - [Giggling] - What I'm trying to say in this cartoon is that violence is everywhere in our society- You know, it's, like, even in breakfast cereals, man.

[Surf] [Laughing] Lisa, don't sit in front of that telly like a fly stuck in a toffee.

It's a great big world out there.

- Been there, done it.

- I know.

We could have a tea party on the ceiling.


Oh! You people will be the death of me.

[Sobbing] [Singing] Oh, here it is.

[Sobbing] - Aw, that poor woman.

- We've crushed her gentle spirit.

You people should be ashamed of yourselves.

Shary, you did the best you could but you can't change this family, and neither can I.

From now on, I'm just gonna sit back and enjoy the ride.

But haven't I taught you people anything? - No.

- No.

- No.


- So you like it this way? - Indubitably.

[Singing] [Song Ends] [Bart, Lisa] Good-bye, Shary Bobbins! - Thanks for everything.

- So long, Superman.

Do you think we'll ever see her again? I'm sure we will, honey.

I'm sure we will.

- [Murmuring] - Shh!