The Simpsons Episode Scripts

4F10 - Mountain of Madness

[Chorus Singing] [Tires Screeching] D'oh! [Screams] Huh? [Whistling] Good morning, sir.

Care for some coffee? No.

The promise of a new day is more than enough exhilaration for me.

[Ticking] [Snoring] Smithers, coffee.

Ah! We need some excitement around here.

- Chinese checkers or domestic, sir? - No, no.

Something fun.

Something the men will enjoy, like a safety drill.

But what kind? Uh, "Meltdown Alert"? "Mad Dog Drill"? "Blimp Attack"? Ah! I think a good old-fashioned fire drill today! - [Ringing] - [Murmuring, Shouting] All right.

Popcorn's ready.

Hey! That's the fire alarm! We gotta get outta here! Wait for me! Come on! Come on! Come on! - [Yelling, Shouting] - Get out of my way! [Whimpering] Uh- Uh- Hmm.


Fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, fire! Is it supposed to take this long? What's a good time for a mass evacuation of the entire plant? - Forty-five seconds.

- What's our time so far? I don't know, sir.

This stopwatch only goes up to 15 minutes.

Damnation! What kind of slow coaches do I have working for me? Ah.

Here comes one of our fellows now.

- [People Shouting] - [Pounding On Door] I think I won, Mr.


Yes, you won, all right.

- You won more than you bargained for.

- Whoo-hoo! What a disgraceful display! I've seen more orderly behavior in a Ritz Brothers film.

You all need a serious lesson in teamwork.

Maybe he does, but I don't.

- Hey, you take that back! - No! You take that back! Hit him, Carl! You too, Lenny! D'oh! So Burns is gonna make us all go on a stupid corporate retreat up in the mountains.

to learn about teamwork which means we'll have to cancel our plans to hang around here.

- Teamwork is overrated.

- Huh? Think about it.

I mean, what team was Babe Ruth on? - Who knows? - [Lisa, Marge] Yankees.

Sharing is a bunch of bull too.

And helping others.

And what's all this crap I've been hearing about tolerance? Hmm.

Your ideas are intriguing to me and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.

But I think we have to go on the retreat anyway.

[Engine Sputters Out] - [Wind Howling] - Well, here we are.

All right.

Let me start off by telling you this will not be a walk in the park.

This will be the most arduous and backbreaking weekend of your life.

I cannot overemphasize the dangers which- Did you bring your family, Simpson? Uh, yes, sir.

I thought I was supposed to.

Imbecile! Simpson, your family will have to remain here.

- Oh, man! - Oh! Don't worry, kids.

This is a national park.

We can have lots of fun.

I'm afraid that's no longer true, ma'am.

Budget cutbacks have forced us to eliminate anything the least bit entertaining.

Well, uh, see ya.

Each two-man team will work its way through the wilderness to a cabin hidden somewhere on this mountain.

The routes are treacherous, so use your maps.

- Uh, I lost my map.

- You haven't been issued a map yet.

When you arrive at the cabin, there will be a congratulatory party with sandwiches and moderately priced champagne.

[Applause] Now, as an added incentive the second-to-last team to arrive at the cabin will receive an hilarious "World's Worst Employee" trophy.

Hey, this sounds like fun.

- And the last team to arrive will be fired.

- [Chuckles] Uh-oh.

And to show that I'm not playing favorites both Smithers and I will be participating.

Who knows? I might be the unlucky one who gets fired.

[Quietly] Not bloody likely.

- I've placed all your names in this hat.

- Ooh! Thank you.

Now, pair off as I draw your names.

Lenny and Carl.

Aw, nuts! I mean, um- Aw, nuts! Fong and Sutroy.

Kimball and Dawson.

Aimee and Drucker.

Simpson and Burns? Oh! [Thinking] Quiet, you fool! You're on the one team that can't possibly be fired.

- Oh.

- Sir, this can't be right.

You assured me this drawing was rigged so we'd be teammates.


Well, frankly, you've been a bit of a pill lately.

Why do we always fight on vacation? Well, there's only one name left.

Whoever it is will be paired with me.

And that person is Waylon Smithers.


That's just perfect! Prepare for the adventure of a lifetime as you fight for survival against the merciless forces of nature.

To your marks! Get set! - Go! - [All Shouting] Ready, Mr.

Burns? [Grunts] One moment.

Only who can prevent forest fires? You pressed "You," referring to me.

That is incorrect.

The correct answer is you.

[Grunts] Mom, can Lisa and I play outside away from the bear? Okay.

But when you start getting apple-cheeked, it's time to come in.

Huh? How could you do this to me, Mr.

Burns, after all I've done for you? Why, if you were here, I'd kick you right in your bony old behind! [Echoing] Bony old behind! Bony old behind! Bony old behind! Bony old behind! Why, thank you, Simpson.

I have been watching my figure.

[Sinister Laughter] Lise! Lise! Come here! I found two snowflakes that are exactly alike! Really? Let me see! Ow! - Oops.


- Hi, Mr.


Oh, great.

It's the Bobbsey Twins.

Well, take your prying eyes elsewhere! Oh, I'm sorry.

It hasn't been a good day.

If I don't get to the top of the mountain real soon, I could get fired.

- We'll help you.

- I have a watch with a minute hand.

All right, you can come.

What time is it? No, wait.

- Wait.

What comes after 12? - One.

- No.

After 12.

- [Groans] Tell me, Simpson if an opportunity arose for taking a small shortcut you wouldn't be averse to taking it, would you? - Oh, not as such.

- Neither would I.

I've always felt that there's far too much hysteria these days about so-called cheating.

- Yes.

A lot of hysteria.

- Mm-hmm.

If you can take advantage of a situation in some way it's your duty as an American to do it.

Why should the race always be to the swift? Or theJumble to the quick-witted? Should they be allowed to win merely because of the gifts God gave them? Well, I say cheating is a gift man gives himself.


Burns, I insist that we cheat.


And to do so I propose we travel by horseless sleigh.


You sure know how to cheat, Mr.


Yes, well, I'm older than you.

You know, Simpson, you're not as objectionable as you seemed when we first met.

No, sir, I am not.

Bart? Lisa? Hello? [Projector Whirring] [Man On Film] The story of our national parks begins in 1 (72.

Perhaps we should let John Muir tell the tale.

[Man #2 Muttering Unintelligibly On Film] Excuse me, sir? I can't find my children.

- Have you checked the woods? - No.


Follow me.

We'll take the chairlift.

It'll give us an eagle-eye view of the area directly beneath the chairlift.

Ooh! Well, I won't lie to you, ma'am.

Our chances of finding your children are slim to nil.

- [Lisa] Hi, Mom! - [Marge] There they are! - Let me down here.

- Sorry.

There's no way off till we get to the top.

And even then, it's sort of tricky.

[Groaning] All right, kids! We'll meet you at the top! Just be careful! I'm actually a little more concerned about us.

Um, do you know how to weld? That worked so well.

We have several hours before the others arrive.

What say we get comfy? Now we have electricity.

This propane tank will supply us with heat.

And this doorknob, properly turned will allow us access to the cabin.

No going through the window for us.

[Bart] Is there maple syrup in this one? There isn't any food in any of these trees.

Please, Bart, we've gotta hurry.

I can't be the last one to reach the cabin.

Hey, I'm not gonna get fired.

Is there any gold in this mountain? - It doesn't matter! - I'll check.


Smithers! Mr Smithers! I found another hurt shrew.

- I think this one has a twisted ankle.

- [Sighs] Twisted- Aren't there any healthy animals in this forest? Well, I don't suppose the others will mind us starting the party early Homie, old boy.

- More champagne? - [Chuckles] You know, Mr.

Burns, you're the richest guy I know.

- Way richer than Lenny.

- Oh, yes.

But I'd trade it all for a little more.

Oh, these sure are comfortable chairs.

Oh, yes, sitting.

The great leveler.

From the mightiest pharaoh to the lowliest peasant who doesn't enjoy a good sit? Oh, man, you are so right.

- Did you ever sit like this? - Yes, yes, that's it.

Oh, I could go for one of those right now.

Ah! The only hard part is getting up.

[Chuckling] Why get up? Here's a little move I've been tinkering with.

Say I want that bowl of dip.

- Why, you'd have to get up! - Oh? [Grunting] Sir, I am in your debt.

Use it wisely, my friend.

[Clink Echoing] - [Rumbling] - [Both Gasping] - Hey, did you hear something? - No.

- Hmm.

Did I? - I don't know! Hope that wasn't an avalanche.

Be a chum and take a look-see.

You got it, buddy.


Isn't there any way out of here? I don't see one.

Unless- No.

There's no way out.

There must be some way to contact the outside world.

Ah! The telegraph! - S.



- [Beeping] Avalanche.

Send help.

[Beeping] According to the map, the cabin should be right here.

[Straining] Hey, maybe there is no cabin.

- Maybe it's one of them, uh, metaphorical things.

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

Like, maybe the cabin is the place inside each of us created by our goodwill and teamwork.

Oh! Nah.

They said there'd be sandwiches.

Simpson, I have a confession.

I'm not quite the tunnel-digger I made myself out to be.

- You can supervise me.

- All right, good.

Let's dig.

That's right.

Dig some more.

Oh, we make quite a duo.

Burns and Associate.

No, no! What am I thinking? Burns and Teammate.

[Grunting] - We made it, old friend! - We sure did.

- Huzzah! - Whoo-hoo! [Both Yelling] D'oh! What happened? I think when we yelled, we caused another avalanche.

We should be careful not to speak unless it's absolutely positively necessary.


You're causing more avalanches.

I think they've stopped.

Let's go.

Oh! Those last three avalanches were your fault, Simpson.

- So what? - Sew buttons! There's not another place for miles.

This must be the cabin Burns was talkin' about.

- Well, we made it here first, all thanks to teamwork.

- Yeah, my teamwork.

We must be covered by a thousand feet of snow.

It could be days before they find us.


No books, no radio, no board games.

[Gasps] A Bazooka Joe comic.

[Groans] I heard that one 75 years ago.

We could build snowmen.

No, I have a better idea.

We could build real men out of snow.



[All Shivering] Mr.

Smithers! Mr.

Smithers! That moose is on fire! Fine.


I don't care anymore.

I'm the last one here.

- You kids cost me my job.

- You ain't last, Mr.


[Sighs] Thank goodness.

Yeah, Burnsie and Homer never made it.

- Mr.

Burns is still out there? - What about our dad? Ah! 206 bones full, pouting lips.

Why, this fellow is less a snowman than a god! Well, we've managed to stave off cabin fever for a few hours.

l- I think we should dress the snowmen.


Look at them, smug and secure in their finery mocking us.

They're just snowmen, Mr.


Ah, snowmen have peepers.

Peepers to watch- to watch for a moment of weakness.

And then, baf, comes the knock on the head, and we're down! - What do we do? - Oh, wouldn't you like to know? Hey, what is going on here? Who are you people? This is a lookout post.

Where is Ranger McFadden? Well, I was just happy to see so many nice people.

Quiet, you drunk.

Where's Ranger McFadden? - Right here, sir, right behind the drunk.

- Wait a minute.

If this is a ranger station, we must be in the wrong place.

The only other cabin is right over there.

- Huh.

- [Whistles] Look at all these avalanches.

You think they could've buried the cabin? Well, I'll tell you one thing.

They didn't come here for the Mountain Music Festival, March 14-18.

- Mom, Dad and Mr.

Burns could be trapped in there! - [Gasps] [Thinking] I'm trapped with a madman.

Look at him staring into me filling my mind with paranoid thoughts.

[Homer Thinking] Mmm.

Look at his eyes.

He's trying to hypnotize me! But not in the good Las Vegas way.


Burns Thinking] I know what he's up to.

He's thinking of killing me then riding my carcass down the mountain to safety.

He's truly gone mad if he's thinking that.

Well, he can't kill me if I kill him first! I'll kill you, you bloated museum of treachery! You and what army? [Gasps] Stand back! I have powers! Uh, political powers! - [Gasps] - It's showtime! [Grunting] Give me- Let go off that- Oh, God! My head.

- [Grunting] - [Gasps] - Homer! - Burnsie! [Both Yelling] Okay, search party, before we set out let's take a moment to humor the children.

Kids, your father's gonna be just fine.

Okay, everybody, put on your corpse-handling gloves.

We've got two frozen bodies buried somewhere in this mountain.

Did you hear that, Lise? Dad's gonna be just fine.

Look! What's that? [Both Yelling] We'll be dashed to pieces! Oh, Lord, protect this rocket house and all who dwell within the rocket house.

- It's them, all right.

- We're over here, Homie! Oh.

Something's wrong with its brakes.

Gangway! - Marge, kids.

- [Voices Overlapping] [Clears Throat] Have you people forgotten our little competition? Last one in the cabin is fired.

[All Shouting] - You're fired, Lenny.

- Aw, nuts! - So, how did we do? - [Ticking] - It's a new record, sir.

- Outstanding.

Well, perhaps all of this has been worthwhile.

- Did you all learn about teamwork? - [All] Yes.


In that case, no one will be fired after all.

That old goat can't fire me.

I'm gonna give him a piece of my- [Yelling] - [Thud] - Aw, nuts! Well, Simpson, I must say once you've been through something like that with a person you never want to see that person again.

You said it, ya weirdo! - [Murmuring] - Shh!