The Simpsons Episode Scripts

3G01 - The Springfield Files

[Chorus Singing] [Bell Ringing] [Whistle Blowing] [Beeping] [Jazzy Solo] [Beeping] [Tires Screeching] D'oh! [Screams] Hello.

I'm Leonard Nimoy.

The following tale of alien encounters is true.

And by true, I mean false.

It's all lies.

But they're entertaining lies.

And in the end, isn't that the real truth? The answer is no.

Our story begins on a Friday morning in a little town called Springfield.




F! Guys, I'm off to Moe's.

But, Homer, it's 10:00 in the morning.

Don't worry.

I have a plan.

I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around the city keeping its speed over 50.

And if its speed dropped, it would explode.

I think it was called The Bus that Couldn't Slow Down.

First, I hook this common VCR into the security camera system like so.

Then I insert this old videotape of us working on a continuous loop.

[No Audible Dialogue] So, another Friday is upon us.

What will you be doing, Smithers? - Something gay, no doubt? - What? What? You know, lighthearted, fancy-free.

Mothers, lock up your daughters.

Smithers is on the town.

Exactly, sir.

Thank God it's Wednesday! - It's Friday.

- Uh-oh.

Wrong pills.

Uh, little help? Sorry, Donkey Kong.

You are just not a draw anymore.

Hey, he's still got it! [Coins Clattering] Thirty-eight, 39, 40 quarters.

This better be good.

[Computerized Voice] Game over.

Please deposit 40 quarters.

What a rip! Thank God it's Friday.

[Humming] Hello.

Hello? [Santa's Little Helper Growling] - Bad dog! - [Snowball Yowling] Bad cat! Bad fawn.


- Shoo! Shoo! - All right! It's time for ABC's T.





Lise, when you get a little older, you'll learn that Friday's just another day between NBC's Must-See Thursday and CBS's Saturday night crap-o-rama.

Another Duff, Homer? Nah.

It's Friday night, Moe.

I wanna try something special.

Uh, sure.


Here you go.

D�ff, from Sweden.

Go! Wait a minute! This is Duff! [Chuckles] Ya got me, didn't ya? All right.

Here you go.

Red Tick Beer.


Bold, refreshing and something I can't quite put my finger on.

[Dogs Barking] Hmm.

Needs more dog.

[Men Snoring] Well, it's 1:00 a.


Better go home and spend some quality time with the kids.

Just a second.

You gotta take a Breathalyzer test before I let you drive home.

[Beeping] Uh, I guess I'll walk home.

[Moaning] [Dog Barking] [Eerie] [Sighs] [Panting, Whimpering] [Screams] [Screams] [Gasps] Oh, Son, I'm glad to see ya! I went for the morning paper and I got lost! No time for you, old man.

[Hooting] [Gasps] Please, don't hurt me.

[High-pitched] Don't be afraid.

[Screaming] [Panting] Homer, it's 2:00 a.


What happened? It was an alien! It appeared in front of me and said, "Don't be afraid"! - Have you been drinking? - No! Well, 10 beers.

[Groans] I'm telling you I saw a creature from another planet.

- Maybe you just dreamed it.

- Oh, yeah? When I came to, I was covered with a sticky translucent goo.

- Explain that.

- More sausage? [Moaning] Dad, according to Junior Skeptic Magazine, the chances are a 175 million-to-one of another form of life actually coming in contact with ours.

- So? - It's just the people who claim they've seen aliens are always pathetic lowlifes with boring jobs.


And you, Dad.

[Chuckles] I am the thing from Uranus! [Gasps] Oh, it's Bart.

I can't believe it.

I'm being mocked by my own children on my birthday.

- It's your birthday? - Yes.

Remember, it's the same day as the dog's.

Santa's Little Helper, it's your birthday? Oh.

We gotta get you a present.

Yes, we do.

Yes, we do.

- We love you, boy.

- Good doggy.

Good doggy.

Lousy lovable dog.

Oh, it was awful.

They set me on a cold, metal table and prodded me with humiliating probes.

And then- Oh, wait.

That was my physical.

- [All Scoff] - Great story, Homer.


The alien has a sweet, heavenly voice, like Urkel.

And he appears every Friday night like Urkel! Well, your story is very compelling, Mr.

Jackass- I mean, Simpson.

So, I'll just type it up on my invisible typewriter.

[Humming] You don't have to humiliate me.

I just torched a building downtown and I'm afraid I'll do it again! Yeah, right.

I'll just type it up on my invisible typewriter.

[Humming] Fruitcake.

Look at this, Scully.

There's been another unsubstantiated U.



sighting in the heartland of America.

- We've gotta get there right away.

- Well, gee, Mulder.

There's also this report of a shipment of drugs and illegal weapons coming into New Jersey tonight.

I hardly think the F.



's concerned with matters like that.


Can I help you? Agents Mulder and Scully, F.



[Gasps] Is this about that pen that I took from the post office? I swear, I didn't know I put it in my purse! Then I was going to bring it back, but the dog chewed it up.

And that just made things worse.

[Hyperventilating] Actually, we're here to see your husband about his U.





Come- Come in.


Simpson, look at this lineup and tell us if any of these are the aliens you saw.

Yo! - No, I'm sorry.

- This is an outrage dragging me into- Oh, this makes me very angry.

Now, we're going to run a few tests.

This is a simple lie detector.

I'll ask you a few yes or no questions and you just answer truthfully.

- Do you understand? - Yes.


[Panting] Wait a minute, Scully.

What's the point of this test? No point.

I just thought he could stand to lose a little weight.

His jiggling is almost hypnotic.


It's like a lava lamp.

[Mulder] All right, Homer.

We want you to re-create your every move the night you saw this alien.

Well, the evening began at the gentlemen's club where we were discussing Wittgenstein over a game of backgammon.


Simpson, it's a felony to lie to the F.



We were sitting in Barney's car eating packets of mustard.

You happy? [Drunkenly] You are one fine lookin' woman, lady.

If I wasn't married, I'd go out with you like that! I am so sorry.

Whatever you do, don't tell Marge.

God, I love her! Hey, a penny! - So, who are you guys anyhow? - Agents Mulder and Scully, F.






, huh? Uh, excuse me.

All right, they're on to us! Get him back to Sea World! [Weakly Squealing] So I says, blue M&M, red M&M- they all wind up the same color in the end.

Homer, why don't you show us where you went when you left the bar? I was standing right here when the horrible creature emerged from the woods.

For the love of God, help me! I've been here for four days and a turtle's got ahold of my teeth! There he is! Come back here, you! Slow down! I'll get ya! [Grunting] This is the worst assignment we've ever had.

Worse than the time we were attacked by the flesh-eating virus? Ow! He bit me with my own teeth! No.

This is much more irritating.

I've seen enough, Mulder.

Let's go.

Yeah, okay.

But somewhere out there, something is watching us.

There are alien forces acting in ways we can't perceive.

Are we alone in the universe? Impossible when you consider the wonders that exist all around us.

Voodoo priests of Haiti, the Tibetan numerologists of Appalachia the unsolved mysteries of Unsolved Mysteries.

The truth is out there! [Grunting] Who'd have thought a whale could be so heavy? - Geez, it's the feds! - [Whale Weakly Squeals] Oh, Marge, I never felt so alone.

No one believes me.

Uh, this is the part where you're supposed to say, "I believe you, Homer.

" - I don't believe you, Homer.

- You do? Oh, Marge! - You've made me so happy.

- [Groans] You're not listening.

You're only hearing what you want to hear.

Thanks! I'd love an omelet right about now.

Homer, please! I try to be supportive.

But this has gone too far.

Please, just let it be.

No, I can't.

This is my cause.

I'm like the man who single-handedly built the rocket and went to the moon.

What was his name? Apollo Creed? - Please, let's just go to sleep.

- No.

I refuse to share a bed with someone who thinks I'm crazy.

Unless you're feeling amorous.

[Growls] - No, I'm not.

- Well, then, good night.

Hey, Dad.

What's the word from planet Crackpot? Oh, I suppose you're going to mock me too.

Well, actually, Dad, I believe you.

- You do? - Yes, I do.

You seem so damn sure.

Thank you, Son.

Now, do you think you could stop the casual swearing? - Hell, yes! - That's my boy.

Well, if you believe in me, then I'm not going to give up.

I'll prove I'm right.

This Friday, we're going back to the woods.

And we're going to find that alien.

- What if we don't? - We'll fake it and sell it to the Fox network.

[Chuckles] They'll buy anything.

Now, Son, they do a lot of quality programming too.

I kill me.

- Bud.

- Weis.

- Er.

- Bud.

- Weis.

- Er.


- Yo, Dad.

Can I have a sip of your beer? - Now, Son.

You don't wanna drink beer.

That's for daddies and kids with fake I.



Besides, it's such a beautiful night.

How about a ghost story? And that is how much college will cost for Maggie.

No! No! No! You know, Dad, it doesn't matter that we didn't see the alien.

I really had a great time out here.


Me too.

It's him! [High-pitched] I bring you peace.

As a representative of planet Earth let me be the first to say- [Screams] [Screaming] [Gasps] D'oh! He's gone.

And we still don't have any proof.

Oh, yes, we do.

I got it all on tape.

Good work, Son! We did it! We did it! And so, from this simple man came the proof that we are not alone in the universe.

I'm Leonard Nimoy.

Good night.

[Man] Uh, Mr.

Nimoy, we have 10 minutes left.



Well, let me just get uh, something out of my car.

- [Footsteps Running] - [Door Closes] [Car Driving Away] I don't think he's coming back.

[Kent Brockman] Tonight on Eyewitness News a man who's been in a coma for 23 years wakes up.

Do Sonny and Cher still have that stupid show? No.

She won an Oscar, and he's a congressman.

- Good night! - [Long Continuous Beep] But first, E.


, phone Homer Simpson, that is.

Marge! Kids! They're about to show my videotape.

Local man, Homer Simpson, shown here with his tongue stuck to a lamppost has given us this videotape.

It's a close encounter of the blurred kind.

I bring you peace.

The alien has appeared in the same Springfield pasture the past two Friday nights.

Will it appear again this Friday? The entire Channel 6 news team will be there except for Phil, the boom mike operator, who's getting fired tomorrow.

[Groans] Very unprofessional, Phil.

Well, Lise, what do you think about the alien now? I think there must be a more logical explanation.

I think the people of this town aren't gonna be won over by three seconds of videotape.

[Doorbell Rings] Uh, I'm happy to answer any questions you have about the alien.

Any questions at all.


Hibbert? Yes.

Is the alien carbon-based or silicon-based? Uh, the second one.


" Next question.

- Is the alien Santa Claus? - Uh, yes.

Were you on my roof last night stealing my weather vane? This interview is over! I remember another gentle visitor from the heavens.

He came in peace, and then died only to come back to life.

And his name was E.


, the extraterrestrial.

[Sniffles] I love that little guy.

[Warming Up] [Warming Up] [Chattering] Leonard Nimoy? What are you doing here? Wherever there is mystery and the unexplained cosmic forces shall draw me near.

- Uh-huh.

- Hey, Spock! What do you want on your hot dog? Surprise me.

Take a look at this, Lisa.

You don't see any "Homer Is A Dope" T-shirts, do you? - We sold those out in five minutes.

- D'oh! Marge, how could you? These shirts are 100% cotton.

- And look at the fine stitching on "Dope.

" - I'll take two.

[Thunder Rumbling] - [Gasps] - [Screams] Look.

There it is.

Oh, Homie.

Homie, I'm so sorry I doubted you.

I bring you love.

Is that the love between a man and a woman or the love of a man for a fine Cuban cigar? Uh, I bring you love.

- It's bringing love! Don't let it get away! - Break its legs! [All Shouting] Wait! You want an alien? This is your alien! Hello, children.

I bring you love.

[Gasps] It's a monster! Kill it! Kill it! It's not a monster.

It's Mr.


Oh, it's Mr.


Kill it! Kill it! No.

No, let me explain.

Every Friday evening after work, Mr.

Burns undergoes a series of medical treatments designed to cheat death for another week.

First, Mr.

Burns's chiropractors perform a slight spinal adjustment.

- [Bones Cracking] - [Groaning] Then a team of doctors administers eye drops - painkillers - [Sighs] - and a vocal-cord scraping.

- Don't worry.

You won't feel a thing till I jam this down your throat.

The whole ordeal leaves Mr.

Burns twisted and disoriented.

[Humming] The most rewarding part was when he gave me my money.

But what's with the glowing? Um, I'll field that question.

A lifetime of working in a nuclear power plant has given me a healthy green glow and left me as impotent as a Nevada boxing commissioner.

And now that I'm back to normal, I don't bring you peace and love.

I bring you fear, famine, pestilence and- Time for a booster.

[Singing Cheerful Song] [All Singing Cheerful Song] You said you'd bring them peace and love, and it looks like you did it.

I'm proud of you, Homie.

Thanks, Marge.

- [Singing Continues] - [Roaring] [Singing Ends] And so concludes our tale.

I'm Leonard Nimoy.

Good night, and keep watching the skis! Uh, skies.

- [Murmuring] - Shh!