The Simpsons Episode Scripts

4F02 - Treehouse of Horror VII

- Did you hear that, Bart? - Maybe it was just the cat.

No, she's sleeping with me.

Did you guys hear something moving around in the attic last night? Attic? Oh, that's silly.

Seriously, though, don't ever go up there.

Homer, isn't it about time for the You know.

Yeah, yeah.

I'll go feed it.

- What's up there? - Is it a monster? What's the secret? No more questions.

I work my butt off to feed you four kids, and all you What? Three.

We have three kids, Homer.

Yeah, three nosy kids.

And you know what happens to nosy kids who ask too many questions? - No, what? What does happen? - Does something happen? What happens? Hurry up.

Mom and Dad will be home soon.

The unsold copies of Dad's autobiography.

Oh, my God, Bart, look.

- Bart, do you think it's safe? - I don't care, I can't breathe in here.

See, Marge who needs a car wash when you can just drive around in the rain? Mom, Dad, we saw something in the attic! You went into the attic? I'm very disappointed and terrified.

Oh, my God, Marge.

It's escaped.

Yes, doctor, it's what we've always feared.

It's loose.

Hugo is loose.

See you soon.

Who or what is Hugo? I'm afraid we haven't been entirely honest with you, Bart.

You see, you have a brother.

- So I have two brothers? - Lisa, please.

Yes, Bart, you have a twin brother.

You see, when you were born there was an irregularity.

A monstrous irregularity.

Yes, I remember Bart's birth well.

You don't forget a thing like Siamese twins.

I believe they prefer to be called "conjoined twins.

" Hillbillies prefer to be called "sons of the soil," but it ain't gonna happen.

Now, normally the birth of Siamese twins is a joyous occasion but unfortunately, one of them was pure evil.

I think I'll bottle-feed that one.

A routine soul smear confirmed the presence of pure evil.

It was then I knew the only option was to separate you two immediately.

You'll both need to sign these.

But what to do with poor Hugo? Too crazy for Boy's Town.

Too much of a boy for Crazy Town.

The child was an outcast.

So we did the only humane thing.

We chained Hugo up in the attic like an animal and fed him a bucket of fish heads once a week.

- It saved our marriage.

- You expect me to believe all this? If any of it was true, wouldn't I have a big, hideous scar? We've got to find Hugo.

We'll search out every place a sick, twisted, solitary misfit might run to.

- I'll start with RadioShack.

- Right.

Bart, you stay home and tape the hockey game.

You're here, aren't you? Yes, Bart.

I never left you.

- What do you want from me? - You'll see, after the surgery.

- You're crazy.

- Am I? Well, perhaps we're all a little crazy.

I know I am.

I went mad after they tore us apart.

But I'll be sane once I sew us back together.

But you'll kill both of us.

No, it's easy.

Look, I've been practicing.

I made a pigeon-rat.

Well, let's get started.

You wanna be on the right or the left? Hugo, stop! There, there, Hugo, I understand.

All those years caged up in here why, you've probably never even seen your own face in the mirror, have you? Here.

We think we saw Hugo at the airport.

He was boarding a plane to Switzerland You know, isn't it interesting how the left, or sinister, twin is invariably the evil one.

I had this theory that Wait a minute, Hugo's scar is on the wrong side.

He couldn't have been the evil left twin.

That means the evil twin is, and always has been, Bart.

Oh, don't look so shocked.

Well, chalk this one up to carelessness on my part.

But I think there's a way to set everything right.

Care for a drumstick, Hugo? Mom, Hugo's eating his napkin.

- So cute.

- How does he do that? Hey, can I have some turkey? Oh, you finish your fish heads, then we'll talk.

This tooth will be perfect for my science project.

Science has already proven the dangers of smoking, alcohol and Chinese food but I can still ruin soft drinks for everyone.

Hey, Lis, check out my science project.

- What's that supposed to prove? - That nerds conduct electricity.

Stupid Bart.

Oh, boy, mold.

That's science-fair pay dirt.

Looks about the same.

Tiny little people.

My God, I've created life.

- Lisa, breakfast! We're having waffles! - Waffles.

Hey, these aren't waffles.

These are just square pancakes.

I'm sorry, honey, the waffle iron's in the shop.

The waffle iron's been in the shop forever.

So how are my little Stone Age tub dwellers? Oh, my gosh.

They're evolving so quickly.

They've already reached the Renaissance.


One of them is nailing something to the door of the cathedral.

I've created Lutherans.

Wow, it's almost like seeing into the future.

Hey, what is this goo? You trying to grow a friend? Hey, you built a model city.

Is that the school? My finger slipped.

My finger slipped.

- My finger slipped.

- Bart, stop it.

My poor little guys.

That Bart is so rude.

What the heck? Your micro-jerks attacked me.

Well, you practically destroyed their whole world.

You can't protect them every second.

Sooner or later, you'll let your guard down.

And then, flush, it's toilet time for Tiny Town.

It worked.

The debigulator worked.

Hail, Lisa.

Welcome to our world, most gracious Lisa.

Your world is incredible, and you speak English.

We have listened to you speak since the dawn of time, O creator.

And we have learned to imitoot you exarkly.

- You think I'm God? - But of course.

You look down on us from heaven.

You gave us life.

And only your divine intervention can save us from the devil.

- The devil? What devil? - The one you call Bart.

Oh, no, no, no, you don't understand.

Bart's just my brother.

The devil is your brother? Oh, I must say, we find that quite perplexing.

God? Hi.

Bill Watson, I live in the Clark Building.

I have a question.

If you're so good, why do you allow bad things to happen? Why am I so fat? Why do bad things happen to good people? Listen, I can take care of everything.

All you have to do is unshrink me.

Unshrink you? Well, that would require some sort of a rebigulator which is a concept so ridiculous it makes me want to laugh out loud and chortle But not at you, O holiest of gods, with the wrathfulness and the vengeance and the blood rain and the "Hey, hey, it hurts me.

" Look, the destroyer! He returns! Help! Bart, no! First rate work, Bart.

This is even more impressive than Martin's milk-carton ukulele.

Willie, you can throw out the other projects.

We have a winner.

Oh, no.

Principal Skinner, wait! I created the universe! Give me the gift certificate.

Oh, great, I'm stuck in this lousy tub for the rest of my life.

Shouldn't you people be groveling? - And bring me some shoes.

Nice ones.

- She'll want socks too.

I'll get socks.

The old fishing hole.

So peaceful and relaxing.

Doesn't even matter if I catch a single fish.

Come on, you stupid fish, take the bait! Don't make me come down there! It's a It's a Son of a Oh, my God, space aliens.

Don't eat me.

I have a wife and kids.

- Eat them.

- Silence.

We are travelers from a certain nearby ringed planet whose name we'd prefer not to mention.

My name is Kang.

And this is my sister, Kodos.

- Hello.

- I suppose you wanna probe me.

Well, might as well get it over with.


We have reached the limits of what rectal probing can teach us.

This is a mission of conquest.

Take us to your leader.

I guess you mean President Clinton.

He usually hangs around Washington, D.


- President Clinton.


- Except there's this election next week.

So after that, it might not be him anymore.

It might be what's-his-name.

Mumbly Joe Oh, I saw him on TV the other Bob Dole.

An election.

That complicates matters.

Set grid coordinates for Bob Dole.

- Well, night, everybody.

- Night, senator.

What? Bob Dole doesn't need this.

What's happening? Is it noon already? What the hell is this, some kind of tube? Hey.

Well, thanks for taking care of Dole for me.

Hey! Commence bio-duplication.

Oh, no.

Aliens, bio-duplication, nude conspiracies.

Oh, my God, Lyndon LaRouche was right.

What? Are you still here? I'm afraid we'll have to dispose of you.

- What are you spraying me with? - Rum, so no one will believe your story.

And don't come back.

Kent Brockman here with Campaign '96: America flips a coin.

This morning President Clinton made some cryptic remarks which aides attributed to an overly tight necktie.

I am Clinton.

As overlord, all will kneel trembling before me and obey my brutal commands.

End communication.

That's Slick Willie for you, always with the smooth talk.



There I was.

I had just caught the largest fish you'd ever seen when I was abducted by a flying saucer.

- Sure you were, rummy.

- That's one of the creatures.

Senator Dole, why should people vote for you instead of President Clinton? It makes no difference which one of us you vote for.

Either way, your planet is doomed.

Doomed! Well, a refreshingly frank response there from Senator Bob Dole.

These candidates make me wanna vomit in terror.

I've got to stop them.

Ladies and gentlemen, Abortions for all.

Very well, no abortions for anyone.

Abortions for some, miniature American flags for others.

Fooling these Earth voters is easier than expected.


All they want to hear are bland pleasantries embellished by an occasional saxophone solo or infant kiss.


President, sir, people are becoming a bit confused by the way you and your opponent are, well, constantly holding hands.

We are merely exchanging long protein strings.

If you can think of a simpler way, I'd like to hear it.

My fellow Americans, as a young boy I dreamed of being a baseball.

But tonight I say we must move forward, not backward.

Upward, not forward.

And always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom.


Those candidates are phonies! You heard me.

They're alien replicons from beyond the moon.

- Yeah.

- Yeah, right, pal.

Don't forget your stinking flag.

Why won't anyone believe my crazy story? Hold on, guys, I'll help you.

Oh, no, am I still here? I don't wanna serve out my term naked in a tube.

I am so mad at the Secret Service right now.

- Hey, who the hell are you? - I'm Homer Simpson, sir.

And I'm gonna get you back to Washington before it's too late.

You know, senator, being in suspended animation gave me time to think.

Partisan politics are tearing our country apart.

You got a point there, Bill.

If we're gonna whup these space fellas, we'll have to set aside our differences.

Together we can lead America into a new golden age.

Friend, you got a deal.

Homer, let us out.

It's time to tear those aliens a third corn chute.


Oh, no.

What have I done? What am I doing? What will I do? The politics of failure have failed.

We need to make them work again.

Tomorrow, when you are sealed in the voting cubicle vote for me, Senator K Bob Dole.

I am looking forward to an orderly election tomorrow which will eliminate the need for a violent bloodbath.

America, take a good look at your beloved candidates.

They're nothing but hideous space reptiles.

It's true, we are aliens.

But what are you going to do about it? It's a two-party system.

You have to vote for one of us.

- He's right, this is a two-party system.

- Well, I'll vote for a third-party candidate.

Go ahead, throw your vote away.

All hail President Kang.

I don't understand why we have to build a ray gun to aim at a planet I never even heard of.

Don't blame me, I voted for Kodos.