The Simpsons Episode Scripts

3F05 - King-Size Homer

King-Size Homer Come on, Simpson.

Open up.

We know you're in there.

That one.

Someone's in here.

No! No! No! Oh, for the love of Boy, never seen a man so desperate to get out of five minutes of calisthenics.

One, two, three, four.

Up, down, three, four.

Up, down, three, four.

This new exercise program is great.


Every muscle in my body's getting a workout.

Especially my big, fat mouth.


Especially your big, fat Oh, wait.

Raise your right hock.


Raise your left hock.


I wanna see more Teddy Roosevelts and less Franklin Roosevelts.

- Two.

- Actually, Homer, that's just one.

See, each pushup includes both an up part and a down part.

Hey, where's Charlie? - How did he get out of this? - He's at home on disability.


He got injured on the job, and they sent him home with pay.

- It's like a lottery to reward stupidity.

- Stupidity, eh? Must hurt self.

Must hurt self.

Must hurt self.

Probably better that didn't hit me.

- Yes? - Hello.

May I help you? Could you push me in the opposite direction? Okay.

Thank you.

"Carpal tunnel syndrome.

" No.

"Lumber lung.

" No.

"Juggler's despair.

" No.

"Achy breaky pelvis.

" No.

I'm never gonna be disabled.

I'm sick of being so healthy.

Hey, wait.


If you weigh more than 300 pounds, you qualify as disabled.

" You can do it, old boy.

Yes, I can.

Yes, yes.

That's the spirit.

If you gain 61 pounds they'll let you work at home? That's the deal.

No more exercise program no more traffic, no more blood drives or charity walks.

Dad, I know we don't do a lot together but helping you gain 61 pounds is something I wanna be a part of.

Dad! I must protest.

You're abusing a program intended to help the unfortunate.

I'm not saying it isn't sleazy, honey.

But try to see it my way.

All my life I've been an obese man trapped inside a fat man's body.

- Have you told Mom about this? - No.

It would only worry her.

If you wanna add to her worries, go ahead.

I guess I'm more grateful for all she's done for us.

- Dad! - Yes, sweetheart? Obesity is really unhealthy.

Any doctor will tell you that.

Oh, yeah? Well, we'll just see about that, little Miss Smart Guy.

My God.

That's monstrous.

I've never heard of anything so negligent I'll have no part of it.

- Can you recommend a doctor who will? - Yes.

- Hi, everybody! - Hi, Dr.

Nick! Now, there are many options available for dangerously underweight individuals like yourself.

I recommend a slow, steady gorging process combined with Assal Horizontology.

Of course.

You'll want to focus on the neglected food groups.

Such as the whipped group the congealed group and the chocotastic! What can I do to speed the whole thing up, doctor? Well, be creative.

Instead of making sandwiches with bread, use Pop-Tarts.

Instead of chewing gum, chew bacon.

You could brush your teeth with milk shakes! Hey, did you go to Hollywood Upstairs Medical College too? And remember, if you're not sure about something rub it against a piece of paper.

If the paper turns clear, it's your window to weight gain.

Bye-bye, everybody! Oh, it's a dream come true, boy.

I can, nay, I must, eat everything I've always wanted.

Now, come on.

Every second I'm out of bed, I'm burning precious calories.

Now get grubbing.

Eat around the banana, Dad.

It's just empty vitamins.

Lucky for you, this stuff doesn't work.

I don't know.

Fish sandwich.

Are you sure? Two-twenty-five? That means I lost weight! Homer, you're on the towel rack.

Four more pounds and my dream comes true.

Working at home.

Here's your lemonade and here's your beer.

Oh, you're such a vigorous young go-getter.

When's your next coffee break? Anytime I want.

- Hey, Flanders.

Bad day at the rat races? - Yeah.

A crazy guy shot a bunch of people, and the subway ran over my hat.

- Hey, Lis.

Come look at this.

- Neat.

- Hello, honey.

- Hi.

There's something I've been meaning to ask you.

Did you put on a little weight this week? I was going to surprise you, but what the heck.

Honey, I'm purposely gaining Have you lost your mind? Have you thought about your health? Or your appearance? Oh, so that's it, isn't it, Marge? Looks.

I didn't know you were so shallow.

Oh, please.

I would love you if you weighed 1000 pounds.

But Beautiful.

Good night.

I got 15 minutes to gain a pound or I gotta go to work.

Bad news, Dad.

We're out of food.

We're even out of the elements of food.

You ate the tarragon and you drank the soy sauce.

I need a miracle.

Honey, that looks just like a real doughnut.

Dad, it says "non-toxic.

" Well, that's a plus.

I did it! Dad, towel rack.

Oh, my.

I am pleased to dedicate this remote work terminal.

It will allow our safety inspector here to perform his duties from home.

And so, excelsior to you, Mr What's the name of this gastropod? Simpson, sir.

One of your chair-moisteners from Sector 7G.

Yes, Simpson! Thank you for your pity.

Mom, were you ever planning to step in and put a stop to this? Normally your father's schemes fizzle out as soon as he finds something good on TV.

But this season I'm looking for something loose.

Something comfortable for my first day of work.

Work, huh? Let me guess.

Computer programmer? Computer magazine columnist? - Something with computers.

- Well, I use a computer.

What's the connection? Must be the nonstop sitting and snacking.

Well, sir, many of our clients find pants confining so we offer a range of alternatives for the ample gentleman.

Ponchos, muumuus, capes, jump suits unisheets, muslin body rolls, academic and judicial robes I don't wanna look like a weirdo.

I'll go with a muumuu.

Arnie Pie in the sky with the morning commute.

Traffic is as bad as it gets.

Due to a fire at the Army testing lab a bunch of escaped infected monkeys are roaming the expressway.

Despite the heat, don’t unroll your windows because those monkeys seem confused and irritable.

I pity those poor suckers on the freeway.

Gas, brake, honk.

Gas, brake, honk.

Honk, honk, punch.

Gas, gas, gas.

Eight fifty-eight.

First time I've ever been early for work.

Except for all those daylight-savings days.

Lousy farmers.

"To start, press any key.

" Where's the "any" key? I see "Esc," "Ctrl" and "PgUp.

" There doesn't seem to be any "any" key.

All this computer hacking is making me thirsty.

I think I'll order a TaB.

No time for that now.

The computer's starting.

"Check core temperature? Yes/No.

" Yes.

"Core temperature normal.

" Not too shabby.

"Vent radioactive gas?" N-O.

"Venting prevents explosion.

" This is hard.

Where's my TaB? Okay, then.


Vent the stupid gas.

Oh, no.

The corn! Paul Newman's gonna have my legs broke.

Bart and Lisa have to go to school While I get to stay home - I like school.

- Why don't you live in it? I would if I could.

Not me, sister.

When I grow up I wanna be a lardo on workmen's comp, just like Dad.

I wash myself with a rag on a stick.

Mom! This whole thing is really creepy.

You sure you won't talk to Dad? I'd like to, honey, but I'm not sure how.

Your father can be surprisingly sensitive.

When I giggled at his Sherlock Holmes hat he sulked for a week and then closed his detective agency.

You'll have to hurt his feelings.

The longer he lives like this, the harder it'll be to go back.

You're right.

Maybe if I use my least nagging tone of voice.



Homer? That's the one.

All right.

Send him on in.

- Dad? - Yes, honey? Mom just baked a cake.

Homer, we need to have a serious talk.

You dragged me from work for that? Let's quietly and calmly discuss the pros and cons of your controversial plan, shall we? - I - Con: You're endangering your health.

Pro: I'm drought- and famine-resistant.

Con: Setting a bad example for the children.

Pro: I don't have to go to work.

Con: You're running the air conditioner non-stop.

It's freezing in here.

Pro: - I love you? - Con: I'm finding myself less attracted to you physically.

Marge, this is everything I've ever dreamed of right here.

And nobody's gonna take it away from me.

You never had faith in me before.

But let me tell you, the slim, lazy Homer you knew is dead! Now I'm a big, fat dynamo! And where's that cake? There's no cake.

"Vent radioactive gas?" Y-E-S.

"Sound alertness horn?" Y-E-S.

"Decalcify calcium ducts?" Well, give me a Y.

Give me a Hey.

All I have to type is "Y.

" Hey, Miss Doesn't-Find-Me-Attractive- Sexually-Anymore.

I just tripled my productivity.


Good for you.



Let's see.

So many letters to choose from.

I'll pick Y.



What the heck are you doing over there? There.

You found the floor.






I'm going out.

I run errands during the day.

Could you pick me up a lemonade and a beer? The mail.

The mail is here! "An urgent plea from Edward James Olmos.

" "Lisa Simpson, can you afford to miss another issue of the Utne Reader?" Kids.

Free sample of fabric softener? I can feel three kinds of softness.

Dad, what are you doing down there? Washing my fat-guy hat, honey.

We now return to Search for the Sun.

According to Daddy's will I inherit the entire plantation.

I'll see to it you don’t get apricot one.

What's your dad's job again? He's a nuclear safety technician.

- What's he doing with that broom? - What isn't he doing? I heard that guy's ass has its own congressman.

Hey, leave my dad alone.

Just because he's overweight doesn't mean he's bad.

He's a sweet man and he has real feelings.

What are you kids looking at? Hey, look.

He's trying to get up to yell at us.

Don't make me close that shade! Hey, Homer.

You promised Mom you wouldn't wear your dress outside.

Nuts to that.

I'm going to the movies.

- Shouldn't you be working? - I got someone to cover for me.

- One for Honk, please.

- Oh, gee.

Just a minute.

I have to check with the manager.

That overweight guy wants to see the movie.

I'm sorry, sir.

I'm afraid our facilities are not equipped to meet your needs.

- What are you talking about? - What I'm saying is a man of your carriage couldn't possibly fit in our seats.

- I could sit in the aisle.

- That would violate the fire code.

Hey, fatty.

I got a movie for you.

A Fridge Too Far.

Shame on all of you.

Give me my dignity.

I came here to see Honk If You're Horny! In peace.

If you quiet down, I'd be happy to treat you to a garbage bag full of popcorn.

This may surprise you, but you can't buy me off with food.

I'm sick of all your stereotypes and cheap jokes.

The overweight individuals in this country are as smart and talented and hardworking as everybody else! They're gonna make their voices heard! All they need is a leader! I'll work harder than ever before.

Show the world overweight people aren't undisciplined, lazy and irresponsible.

What happened to my bird? Marge? Lisa? Flanders? "Explosion imminent.

" Oh, my God.

The plant's going to explode! Hey, that thing's going caca-cuckoo.

Who cares? It's Homer's problem.


I know.

"Vent gas.

" "Pressure too high"? "Tank must be shut down manually"? Stupid bird! I never should have put you in charge! Why, you Oh, who am I kidding? It's all my fault.

I gotta call and warn them.

The fingers you have used to dial are too fat.

To obtain a special dialing wand, please mash the keypad with your palm now.

I'm gonna have to shut it down.

Fat, don't fail me now.

You gotta let me in because I'm a big fat guy and I can't go anywhere! There's gonna be poison gas.

There's gonna be poison gas! Everybody's gonna be dead! Especially me! The ice cream man.

You gotta let me in your car! Take anything you want, man.

Take it all.

Push out the jive.

Bring in the love.

I heard your dad went into a restaurant and ate everything in the restaurant and they had to close the restaurant.

My dad may have gained a little weight but he's not some kind of food-crazed maniac.

Oh, that's raspberry.

- Ice cream! - Ice cream! Please.

There'll be time for the frozen-pudding wagon later.

You still owe me Ten.

And nine.

Get away, damn it.

Run for your lives! - I'll take a Rocket Bomb.

- What can I get for 30 cents? Let go! I gotta get to the tank! Heck, I can't decide without the pictures.





Stupid switch.

I wish I had my reaching broom.


Wait a minute.

There's probably a Homer, your bravery and quick thinking have turned a potential Chernobyl into a mere Three Mile Island.


I think it's ironic that Dad saved the day while a slimmer man would have fallen to his death.

I think it's ironic that Dad's butt prevented the release of toxic gas Bart! We'll have you out of there as soon as our tech boys get you decontaminated.

Thank you, Mr.


It was pretty scary up there but For a while, I feared for my life.

Now, Homer, if there's anything else I can do for you please don't hesitate to ask.


Burns, can you make me thin again? I guarantee it.




I'll just pay for the blasted liposuction.