The Simpsons Episode Scripts

3F04 - Treehouse of Horror VI

Ah, the Miracle Mile, where value wears a neon sombrero and there's not a single church or library to offend the eye.

There it is! The chain that put the "fat" in fat Southern sheriffs.

! I want a colossal doughnut, just like the one on the sign.

D'oh! Nuts! That's false advertising! Sorry, sir.

No refunds.

I paid for a colossal doughnut and I'm gonna get a colossal doughnut.

You don't scare us.

Astronomers from Tacoma to Vladivostok havejust reported an ionic disturbance in the vicinity of the Van Allen belt.

Scientists are recommending that all necessary precautions be taken.


What do they know? Hee-hee-hee! I got your doughnut, Lard Lad! And what are you gonna do about it? Homer, where did you get that? - Get what? - That giant doughnut.

Well, I acquired it legally.

You can be sure of that.

Dude, you're huge! Yeah! Let's party, baby! Hey-hey-hey! Fellas, where you going at this hour? Hey, don't scratch up them heads! Good morning, everybody.

Panic is gripping Springfield as giant advertising mascots rampage through the city.

Perhaps it's part of some daring new ad campaign.

But what new product could justify such carnage? A cleanser? A fat-free fudge cake that doesn't let you down in the flavor department like so many others- Let me go! No! Stop! No! Whoa! Another acid flashback.

Man, I'd hate to be driving a bus right now! Aw, they're not so tough.

Chief, that wasn't a monster.

That was the captain of the high school basketball team.

Uh, yeah, well, he was turning into a monster though.

What are you waiting for? Wreck the school.

You know you wanna.

- I agree.

Destroy the school.

- Hmm.

Hello? Yes? Oh.

If you're looking for that big doughnut of yours, Flanders has it.

Just smash open his house.

He came to life.

Good for him! Help me, Lord.

! I told you, Flanders has it! Or Moe.

Go kill Moe.

Just give him the doughnut! Once he has it, that will be the end of all this horror! Well, okay.

If it'll end horror.

Don't you ever get tired of being wrong all the time? Sometimes.

These monsters are destroying everything and everyone we hold dear! And you kids should have jackets on.

Hey! What's that in his footprint? Hmm.

If your advertising agency created all those giant characters you must know how to stop them.

Well, sir, advertising is a funny thing.

If people stop paying attention to it, pretty soon it goes away.

- Like that old woman who couldn't find the beef? - Exactly! If you stop paying attention to the monsters, they'll lose their powers.

But people can't help looking at them.

They're wrecking the town.

You know, maybe a jingle would help.

Don't watch the mon- Don't watch the monsters-s-s-s Well, it'll sound a lot better coming out of Paul Anka.

Hey, Springfield.

! Are you suffering from the heartbreak of monsteritis? Then take a tip from Mr.

Paul Anka! To stop those monsters one, two, three Here's a fresh new way that's trouble-free It's got Paul Anka's guarantee Guarantee void in Tennessee Just don't look Just don't look Just don't look Just don't look Just don't look Just don't look It worked! They're all dead! Well, except for chubsy-ubsy over there.


Sprinkles! - Homer, stop looking! - Don't make us poke your eyes out, Dad.

Ohh! Here comes something.

Remember the story.

We're newlyweds on our way to Earth capital.

Oh, shazbatt! Even as I speak, the scourge of advertising could be heading toward your town! Lock your doors! Bar your windows! Because the next advertisement you see could destroy your house and eat your family.

We'll be right back.

Okay, boy.

Catch the Frisbee.

Good catch, boy.

Thanks, Bart.

Oh, hard luck.

Glad to "rake" your acquaintance.

It was only a dream.


! Is that you? - Yes! - Take out the garbage.

And then he raked me across the chest.

And the weirdest thing was, it was that school janitor who mysteriously disappeared! - Groundskeeper Willie! - Oh, my god! Bart, Groundskeeper Willie was in my nightmare too.

But he got me with hedge clippers.

He ran his floor buffer over me! Children, I couldn't help monitoring your conversation.

There's no mystery about Willie.

Why, he simply disappeared.

Now, let's have no more curiosity about this bizarre cover-up.

Remember, class, the worse you do on this standardized test the more funding the school gets, so don't knock yourselves out.

- You have three hours to- - Finished! Then put your head down on your desk and sit quietly.


A duet of pleasures.

I am the Wondrous Wizard of Latin! I am a dervish of declension and a conjurer of conjugation with a million hit points and maximum charisma! Ah-ha! Morire: To die! Morit: He, she, or it dies! Moris: You die! You've mastered a dead tongue! But can you handle a live one? Ha-ha! Wheel him out quietly.

It's best the children don't see him.

Oh, just get it out of here! Not into the kindergarten! Mom! Dad! Martin died at school today! Ohhh! I don't see what that has to do with Groundskeeper Willie.

Um, we didn't mention Groundskeeper Willie, Mom.

Kids, it's time we told you the true story and put your fears to rest.

It's a story of murder and revenge from beyond the grave.

It all started on the 13th hour of the 13th day of the 13th month.

We were there to discuss the misprinted calendars the school had purchased.

Lousy "Smarch" weather.

"Do not touch Willie.

" Good advice.

Huh? - Our next budget item, $12 for doorknob repair.

- Nay! Recharge fire extinguishers.

- This is a free service of the fire department.

- Nay! Help! Please help me! Willie, please! Mr.

Van Houten has the floor.

I, for one, would like to see the cafeteria menus in advance so parents can adjust their dinner menus accordingly.

I don't like the idea of Milhouse having two spaghetti meals in one day.

You'll pay for this with your children's blood! Oh, right.

How you gonna get 'em? Skeleton power? I'll strike where you cannot protect them- in their dreams! Bart, don't you realize what this means? The next time we fall asleep, we could die.

Bah! Welcome to my world.

Announcer] On this edition of Asian Market Wrap-up.

There's a volcano waiting to erupt in the Pacific Rim.

It's nine medium-term, convertible debentures- It's no use, Bart.

- We can't stay up forever! - You're right.

The only thing left to do is go into my dream and force Willie into a final showdown.

You stay awake.

And if it looks like I'm in trouble, wake me up.


But promise you won't be grouchy.

Come on, Willie.

I know you're out there.

The sandbox.

! Hey, Lawn Boy.

! You missed a spot.

! When I'm done with you, they'll have to do a "compost-mortem!" Sinky sand! No! Help! Willie's gone for good.

Now I can get back to my normal dreams- me and Krusty winning the Super Bowl.

Bart, there's two seconds left.

Listen up.

It's your basic Statue of Liberty play with one twist.

You throw it to me.

Knute Rockne called it "the forward pass.

" Now, the clock's still running, so it's important we start this play as quickly as possible.

Oh-ho, boy! Don't dream about me no more, kid.

Help! Lisa, help! - Bart, you're in trouble! Wake up! - Wait a minute.

If you're here, then you've fallen asleep too.

I'm not asleep.

I'm just resting my eye- Uh-oh.

- Good-bye, Bart.

- Good-bye, Lise.

I hope you get reincarnated as someone who can stay awake for 15 minutes.

You saved us, Maggie! I don't know, Bart.

Something tells me Willie's still out there, and that he could come back any time, in any form, and kill us in ways we can't even imagine! Boo! Here I am.

Yah! No! Stop! I left my gun on the seat! Hey! Wait here, please.

Aw, geez! Homer, get ready.

! Patty and Selma will be here any minute.

! Oh, no! Better ride this one out in the closet.

Sorry, Dad.

This is our spot.

Oh, yeah? Well, it's my house, so it's my spot.

- Nu-uh, because we called it.

- Did not.

- Well, we're calling it now.

- You are? - 'Fraid so.

- Ohh! They got me with their legal mumbo jumbo! Just a second.

! Huh? I never looked behind this whatchamacallit case before.

Huh? That's weird.

It's like something out of that twilight-y show about that zone.

How's it hangin', Marge? Yuck! I'm baking like a meat loaf under this wet wool.

Uh, may I take your coat, Aunt Selma? Um, I would also like to take your coat.

Have we got a family activity for you! A pillow case full of seashells from our trip to Sulfur Bay.

You're gonna help us clean and organize them.

And pry out all the dead hermit crabs.

Get a screwdriver.

I'll take my chances in the mystery wall! Oh, glory of glories! Oh, heavenly testament to the eternal majesty of God's creation! Holy macaroni! Hey, you can just suck 'em out.

Hello? Can anybody hear me? Homer, where are you? Uh, I'm somewhere where I don't know where I am.

! Do you see towels? If you see towels, you're probably in the linen closet again.

Just a second.

No, it's a place I've never been before.


The shower.


! I don't want to alarm you, Marge but I seem to be trapped in here.

We'd better call Ned.

He has a ladder.

What's going on here? I'm so bulgy.

My stomach sticks way out in front and my- Well, as the tree said to the lumberjack, I'm stumped.

It's like he just disappeared into fat air.

Hey, shut up! Mmm! Unprocessed fish sticks.

Man, this place looks expensive! I feel like I'm wasting a fortune just standing here.

Better make the most of it.

Ow! Watch it, coney! Whoops.

- Do you see a light, Homer? - Yes.

Move into the light, my son.


! Homer, this is your physician, DoctorJulius Hibbert.

Can you tell us what it's like in there? Um, it's like, uh- Did anyone see the movie Tron? - No.

- No.

- No.

- No.

- No.

- No.

- No.

- No.

- No.

- No.

- No.

- Yes.

Er, um, I mean, no.


Well, where's my dad? Well, it should be obvious to even the most dimwitted individual who holds an advanced degree in hyperbolic topology that Homer Simpson has stumbled into the third dimension.


Here is an ordinary square.

Whoa! Whoa! Slow down, egghead.

But suppose we extend the square beyond the two dimensions of our universe along the hypothetical "Z" axis there.

This forms a three-dimensional object known as a cube or a "Frinkahedron," in honor of its discoverer.

Help me.

! Are you helping me? Or are you going on and on? Oh, right.

And, of course, within we find the doomed individual.

Enough of your borax, Poindexter! A man's life is at stake! We need action! Take that, you lousy dimension! Huh? Huh? Oh, there's so much I don't know about astrophysics.

I wish I read that book by that wheelchair guy.

I'll save Homer! All I needs is four stout men to work the bellows.

No, Pops.

It's too risky.

For all we know, there could be cubes in there the size of gorillas and other large- Help.

! I don't have much time.

! That does it! I'm going in! Bart, no! Cool, man! I'm gonna be sucked into a black hole! I'm gonna be sucked into oblivion! And what's gonna become of me on the other side? I don't know! I'll save you, Dad.

I can't get any closer.

You'll have to jump! Piece of cake, son.

Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Bart, what happened? Well, we hit a little snag when the universe sort of collapsed on itself.

But Dad seemed cautiously optimistic.


! Homie.

Be strong, Marge.

I'm sure he's gone to a better place.


! Eew! This is the worst place yet.

Oh, my god! Look at the- Ooh! Erotic cakes.