The Simpsons Episode Scripts

3F03 - Lisa the Vegetarian

The Simpsons D'oh! - Are we there yet? - No.

- Are we there yet? - No.

- Are we there yet? - No.

- Where are we going? - We're going to Storytown Village, Grampa.

It's an amusement park for babies.

- Oh! Just leave me in the car with the window open a crack.

- That's the plan.

I think it's nice we're doing something Maggie will enjoy for once.

Besides, I'm sure Storytown Village is also fun for everyone from eight to God only knows.

Come out.

Come out or I'll blow your house in.

Not by the hairs on our chinny chin chins.

- What a load of crappy crap crap! - Quiet, boy.

I have a feeling some bad stuff is about to go down.

This is where the wolf blows down the pigs' house.

He blows, all right.

He blows big-time.

That's it, honey.

Get into the spirit.

Uh, it was good, but not great.

Somebody's been sleeping in my bed.

Somebody's been sleeping in my bed.

Somebody's been sleeping in my bed.

Well, I'm sorry.

But it was a 150 degrees in the car.

So long, su-Aah! Come on! Eat the can! Come on! You're supposed to feed them pellets from the machine over there.

Huh? Oh, my! Out of the way, you.

! Ahhh.

Oh, you are so cute.

Yes, you are.

You are.

I just love you.

See? It was a good idea to come here after all.

Attention, families.

This is Mother Goose.

The following cars have been broken into- Hmm? Allemande left and do-si-diddley-diddley-do Swing your partner to-and-froodilly-fro - All rightilly-dightilly.

- Hey, Flanders.

Hidilly-ho, neighboreeno! - Shut up! - Okilly-dokilly.

So, Ned, you're having a family reunion and you didn't invite me? Oh, gosh, Homer.

This is strictly a Flanders affair.

I got family here from around the globe.

- Here's Jos� Flanders.

- Buenos ding-dong-diddly-d�as, senor.

- And this is Lord Thistlewick Flanders.

- Charmed.

Eh, a-googilly-doogilly.

I can't believe you didn't invite me, after I painted those cool stripes all over your car.

I know! I'll throw my own barbecue! The greatest barbecue this town has ever seen.

And I'll only invite who I want.

That'll show you.

- Can I come? - Sure.

D'oh! This barbecue will be hard, thankless work.

But I'm sure you're up to it, Marge.

Well, it could be a good chance to get to know our neighbors outside of a courtroom setting.

You know what you should serve, Marge? More of these lamb chops.

These are the best ever.

Why, thank you, Homie.

You might say the extra ingredient is salt.

Please, Lisa.

I thought you loved me.

Loved me.

What's wrong, Lisa? Didn't you get enough lamb chops? I can't eat this.

I can't eat a poor little lamb.

Lisa, get ahold of yourself.

This is "lamb," not "a lamb.

" What's the difference between this lamb and the one that kissed me? This one spent two hours in the broiler.

Bart, sensible bites.

! All right, Lisa.

If you don't want lamb chops, there's lots of other things I can make.

Chicken breast, rump roast - hot dogs.

- No, I can't! - I can't eat any of them! - Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.

Lisa, honey, are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? - What about bacon? - No.

- Ham? - No.

- Pork chops? - Dad! Those all come from the same animal! Oh, yeah, right, Lisa.

A wonderful, magical animal.

I think Lisa's right, Dad.

Eating meat is ba-a-a-ad.

Hey, that's my chop! Oh, my family just doesn't understand my newfound vegetarianism.

Compared to them, the public schools are a haven of enlightenment.

Okay, class, time to dissect our worms.

First, pin them down so they don't fly up and hit you in the eye.

- Um, Miss Hoover? - Yes, Ralph? What is it? My worm went in my mouth and then I ate it.

Can I have a new one? No, Ralph.

There aren't any more.

Just try to sleep while the other children are learning.

Oh, boy! Sleep! That's where I'm a Viking.

Lisa, what did I ever do to you-ou-ou? Why does it talk like a lamb? Uh, Miss Hoover, I don't think I can dissect an animal.

I think it's wrong.

Okay, Lisa.

I respect your moral objection.

Um, excuse me.

- Isn't there anything here that doesn't have meat in it? - Possibly the meat loaf.

Well, I believe you're required to provide a vegetarian alternative.


It's rich in bunly goodness.

Do you remember when you lost your passion for this work? - Uh-oh.

Two independent thought alarms in one day.

The students are over-stimulated.

Willie, remove all the colored chalk from the classrooms.

I warned ya! Didn't I warn ya? That colored chalk was forged by Lucifer himself! The Itchy and Scratchy Show Mmm! Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm.

Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm.

Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm.

Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm.

Mmm! I never realized before, but some Itchy and Scratchy cartoons send the message that violence against animals is funny.

Say what? Cartoons don't have messages, Lisa.

They're just a bunch of hilarious stuff, you know, like people getting hurt and stuff.

- Stuff like that- Ohh! - Look, kids.

I just got my party invitations back from the printers.

"Come to Homer's BBBQ.

The extra 'B' is for BYOBB.

" - What's that extra "B" for? - That's a typo.

Dad, can't you have some other kind of party? One where you don't serve meat? But all normal people love meat.

If I went to a barbecue and there was no meat, I would say, "Yo, goober! Where's the meat?" I'm trying to impress people here, Lisa.

You don't win friends with salad.

You don't win friends with salad You don't win friends with salad You don't win friends with salad You don't win friends with salad You don't win friends with salad You don't win friends with salad You don't win friends with salad You don't win friends with salad - You don't win friends with salad - Mom! I didn't mean to take sides.

I just got caught up in the rhythm.

Good morning, class.

A certain agitator- For privacy's sake, let's call her Lisa S.

No, that's too obvious.

Uh, let's say L.

Simpson- has raised questions about certain school policies.

So, in the interest of creating an open dialogue, sit silently and watch this film.

Nothing beats a stroll in cattle country.

Hi, I'm Troy McClure.

You may remember me from such educational films as Two Minus Three Equals Negative Fun.

! - And Firecrackers: The Silent Killer.

- Mr.

McClure? - Oh, hello, Bobby.

- Jimmy.

I'm curious as to how meat gets from the ranch to my stomach.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Slow down, Jimmy.

You just asked a mouthful.

It all starts here in the high-density feedlot.

Then when the cattle are just right- Mmm! it's time for them to "graduate" from Bovine University.

Come on, Jimmy.

Let's take a peek at the killing floor.

Don't let the name throw you, Jimmy.

It's not really a floor.

It's more of a steel grating that allows material to sluice through so it can be collected and exported.

Getting hungry, Jimmy? Uh, Mr.

McClure, I have a crazy friend who says it's wrong to eat meat.

- Is he crazy? - No, just ignorant.

You see, your crazy friend never heard of the food chain.

- Just ask this scientician.

- Uh- He'll tell you that in nature one creature invariably eats another to survive.

Don't kid yourself, Jimmy.

If a cow ever got the chance, he'd eat you and everyone you care about.

Wow, Mr.

McClure! I was a Grade A moron to ever question eating meat.

Yes, you were, Jimmy.

Yes, you were.


You're hurting me.

They can't seriously expect us to swallow that tripe.

Now as a special treat, courtesy of our friends at the meat council please help yourselves to this tripe.

Stop it.

! Stop it.

! Don't you realize you've just been brainwashed by corporate propaganda? Apparently, my crazy friend here hasn't heard of the food chain.


Lisa's a Grade A moron.

When I grow up, I'm going to Bovine University.

Hi, Homer.

Thanks for inviting me to your barbecue.

Whoa, Barney! You brought a whole beer keg! Yeah.

Where can I fill it up? Wait, Dad.

! Good news, everyone.

! You don't have to eat meat! I made enough gazpacho for all! - I don't like gazpacho.

- What's that anyway? It's tomato soup served ice cold.

Go back to Russia.

Ah, diagnosis delicious.

I've got the prescription for you, Doctor.

Another hot beef injection.

Hey, Homer.

Bring me another one of them, uh, burgers, would you? I can't quite seem to stand up under my own power anymore.

One whopper for the copper.

- Another burger, Dad? - Here you go! It's bad enough they're all eating meat.

They don't have to rub it in my face.

Okay, everybody.

It's the moment you've all been waiting for.

The pig de r�sistance.

Look at his nose.

Congratulations, Homer.

Your "Q" is a huge success.

Hey, a toast to the host who can boast the most roast! Thanks, Flanders.

I have to agree that everything certainly- Huh? Bart! No! - What? - Sorry.

Force of habit.

Lisa! No! Uhh! Ohh! It's just a little dirty.

It's still good.

It's still good.

It's just a little slimy.

It's still good.

It's still good.

It's just a little airborne.

It's still good.

It's still good.

- It's gone.

- I know.

You know, Smithers, I think I'll donate a million dollars to the local orphanage when pigs fly.

- That's a good one.

Hey- Hey- - Wh-Wha- - Will you be donating that million dollars now, sir? - No.

I'd still prefer not.

Give it up, Dad.

Piggy ain't coming back.

Lisa, you ruined my barbecue! I demand you apologize this second! I'm never, ever apologizing, because I was standing up for a just cause! And you were wrong, wrong, wrong! - Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to my room! - That's it! Go to your room! Marge, since I'm not talking to Lisa would you please ask her to pass me the syrup? Please pass your father the syrup, Lisa.

Bart, tell Dad I'll only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat product.

You dunking your sausages in that syrup, homeboy? Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning.

Tell him yourself.

You're ignoring Lisa, not Bart.

Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out.

Homer, you're not not talking to me.

And, secondly, I heard what you said.

Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case.

Uh, Dad, Lisa's the one you're not talking to.

- Bart, go to your room! - Why don't you just eat him, Dad? I don't need any serving suggestions from you you barbecue-wrecking, know-nothing, know-it-all.

That's it! I can't live in a house with this prehistoric carnivore! I am out of here! That's it! Go to your room! Look! It's Mrs.

Potato Head.

She has a head made out of lettuce.

I can't believe I used to go out with you.

Are you gonna marry a carrot, Lisa? Yes, I'm gonna marry a carrot.

- She admitted it! - She admitted she's gonna marry a carrot! I can't believe it.

Your windows.

Mmm! The next- The whole world wants me to eat meat! I can't fight it anymore! There! Is everybody happy now? I take it from your yelling that you like my tofu dogs.

- Tofu? - Oh, yes.

No meat whatsoever.

And only thrice the fat of a normal hot dog.

- I made the switch and nobody noticed.

- But why, Apu? Because I'm a vegetarian.

Haven't you ever seen my T-shirt? - That's cute.

- Here.

Let me show you something, Lisa.

Wow! A secret staircase.

But what do you do if somebody wants a nonalcoholic beer? You know, it's never come up.

Oh, Apu, it's beautiful.


This is where I come when I need some refuge from the modern world or when I want to see drive-in movies for free.

I know it is not easy to be a vegetarian, Lisa.

- That's why I ran away from home.

- What? She's leaving home? Wow.

! Paul McCartney.

! I read about you in history class.

But where's your wife, Linda? Right here, Lisa.

Whenever we're in Springfield we like to hang out in Apu's garden in the shade.

We met him in India years ago during the Maharishi days.

- Back then I was known as the fifth Beatle.

- Sure you were, Apu.

You know what, Lisa? Paul and Linda are vegetarians too.

In fact, Linda has her own line of vegetarian entrees.

Apu, I'm sure the last thing they want to talk about is- We weren't satisfied with the other vegetarian meals on the market.

You'd be surprised how often you'd find a big hunk of pork in them.

- Ew! - Linda and I both feel strongly about animal rights.

In fact, if you play "Maybe I'm Amazed" backwards you'll hear a recipe for a really ripping lentil soup.

When will all those fools learn that you can be perfectly healthy simply eating vegetables, fruits, grains and cheese? - Ooh, cheese! - You don't eat cheese, Apu? No, I don't eat any food that comes from an animal.

Oh! Then you must think I'm a monster.

Yes, indeed, I do think that.

But I learned long ago, Lisa, to tolerate others rather than forcing my beliefs on them.

You know, you can influence people without badgering them always.

It's like Paul's song, "Live and Let Live.

" - It was "Live and Let Die.

" - Whatever, whatever.

It had a good rhythm.

I guess I have been pretty hard on a lot of people, especially my dad.

Thanks, you guys.

Lisa, before you go, would you like to hear a song? - Wow! That'd be great! - Okay.

Take it, Apu.


Lisa! Lisa, come back before everyone finds out what a horrible father I am! Hi, Dad.

Looking for me? - I don't know.

Were you looking for me? - I don't know.

Oh, Lisa.

I was looking for you.

I wanted to apologize.

I don't know exactly what went wrong, but I know it's always my fault.

Actually, Dad, this time I was wrong- - Oh.

- too.

While I was gone, I got some really good advice from Paul and Linda McCartney.

Rock stars.

Is there anything they don't know? I still stand by my beliefs.

But I can't defend what I did.

I'm sorry I messed up your barbecue.

I understand, honey.

I used to believe in things when I was a kid.

Come on! I'll give you a piggyback ride- Uh, oops! I mean, a veggieback ride home.

Come on.