The Simpsons Episode Scripts

3F02 - Bart Sells His Soul

The Simpsons D'oh! Hymns here! I got hymns here! Get 'em while they're holy! Fresh from God's brain to your mouth! And now please rise for our opening hymn uh, "In the Garden of Eden" by I.

Ron Butterfly.

In the garden of Eden, honey Don't you know that I love you In the garden of Eden, baby Don't you know that I'll always be true Hey, Marge, remember when we used to make out to this hymn? Shh! Shh! Shh! Oh, won't ya come with me And take my hand Wait a minute.

This sounds like rock and/or roll.

And walk this land I know one of you is responsible for this.

So repeat after me: If I withhold the truth, may I go straight to hell where I will eat naught but burning-hot coals and drink naught but burning-hot cola.

Where fiery demons will punch me in the back where my soul will be chopped into confetti and strewn upon a parade of murderers and single mothers where my tongue will be torn out by ravenous birds.

Bart did it! - That Bart right there! - Milhouse! Milhouse, you did the right thing.

Bart, come with me for punishment.

You too, snitchy.

I want you to clean every one of these organ pipes that you have befouled with your popular music.

You shank! How could you tell on me? Well, I didn't want hungry birds pecking my soul forever.

Soul? Come on, Milhouse.

There's no such thing as a soul.

It's just something they made up to scare kids like the boogeyman, or MichaelJackson.

But every religion says there's a soul, Bart.

Why would they lie? What would they have to gain? I don't hear scrubbing! If your soul's real, where is it? It's kinda in here and when you sneeze, that's your soul trying to escape.

Saying "God bless you" crams it back in and when you die it squirms out and flies away.


What if you die in a submarine at the bottom of the ocean? Oh, it can swim.

It's even got wheels, in case you die in the desert and it has to drive to the cemetery.

How can someone with glasses that thick be so stupid? Listen, you don't have a soul, I don't have a soul.

- There's no such thing as a soul! - Fine.

If you're so sure about that, why don't you sell your soul to me? How much you got? - Five bucks.

- Deal.

There you go.

One soul.

Pleasure doing business with you.

Anytime, chum p.

All right, where would you kids like to eat tonight? The Spaghetti Laboratory! Face-Stuffers! Professor V.


Cornucopia's Fantastic Foodmagorium and Great American Steakery.

Well, what about this place? Moe's.

Aah! Natural light! Get it off me! Get it off me! Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought this was a family restaurant.

Oh, it is.

It is.

Just, uh, pull them stools up to the pool table.

Daddy, this place smells like tinkle! Mm-hmm.

I think we'll just go to the Texas Cheesecake Depository.

Everybody is going to family restaurants these days.

Seems nobody wants to hang out in a dank pit no more.

You ain't thinkin' of gettin' rid of the dank, are ya, Moe? Ahh, maybe I am.

Ah, but, Moe, the dank- the dank! Yeah, family restaurants.

That's where the big bucks are.

I could turn this joint into a place where you wouldn't be ashamed to bring your family! I'm not ashamed.

Hey, put a coaster under that.

Oh, Lisa! There's a little present for you lying in the driveway! Oh, boy! Really? Aaah! No! It's dripping funny-smelling water all over me! I wasted five bucks on these.

Where'd you get five bucks? I want five bucks.

- I sold my soul to Milhouse.

- What? How could you do that? Your soul is the most valuable part of you.

You believe in that junk? Well, whether or not the soul is physically real, Bart it's the symbol of everything fine inside us.


Poor, gullible Lisa.

I'll keep my crappy sponges, thanks.

Bart, your soul is the only part of you that lasts forever.

For five dollars, Milhouse could own you for a zillion years.

Well, if you think he got such a good deal, I'll sell you my conscience for 4.


I'll throw in my sense of decency too.

It's a Bart sales event! Everything about me must go! Hey, boy.

How ya doin'? Man! What's gotten into you? Geez! You're pretty uppity for someone who eats bugs all day.

Stupid automatic door.

Thank you, door! Some ice cream guy's gonna see that, and it'll blow his mind.

! Let me try.

Way to breathe, No-Breath.

This is getting weird.

Sanjay, to the entrance with the Windex.

Sanjay, to the entrance with the Windex.

So, come on.

I need a name that says friendly, all-American cooking.

How about Chairman Moe's Magic Wok? I like it! Nah.

I want something that says people can have a nice, relaxing time.

I got it! Madman Moe's Pressure Cooker! I like it! Hey, how about Uncle Moe's Family Feedbag? I hate it.

Oh, boy! The deep fryer's here.

I got it used from the navy.

You could flash-fry a buffalo in 40 seconds.

Forty seconds? But I want it now! The Itchy & Scratchy Show Ah! I know that's funny, but I'm just not laughing.


Pablo Neruda said laughter is the language of the soul.

I am familiar with the works of Pablo Neruda.

I think we should do a test.

D'oh! Help! Help! - Somebody help me! I'm stuck in a banister! - Well? - Nope.

I don't feel a thing.

- That's creepy, Bart.

- I think you really did lose your soul.

- Good boy! Ow! Ow! Who's doing that? - Hmm? - Nothing.

Ow! Help me! Ow! Why isn't anybody- Ow! helping? Hi.

Is Milhouse home? He's playing in the dirt with his army men.

Oh, and a white piece of paper, I believe.

Cover me, Sarge.

I'm going after Bart's soul.

If the ayatollah can't have it, no one can! - Uh, you know, Milhouse- - Ye-e-e-es? - Bet you're gettin' tired of that soul, huh? - No! Well, suppose someone wanted to buy it from you.


You wanna buy it back, Bart? Sure.

No problem.

- Fifty bucks.

- What? Who's stupid now, huh? If you like good food, good fun and a whole lot of crazy crap on the walls then come on down to Uncle Moe's Family Feedbag.

At Moe's, we serve good, old-fashioned home cooking deep-fried to perfection.

Now, that's "Moe" like it! So bring the whole family- mom, dad, kids.

Uh, no old people.

They're not covered by our insurance.

It's fun! And remember our guarantee.

If I'm not smiling when your check comes, your meal's on me- Uncle Moe! Come to Uncle Moe's for family fun It's good, good, good, good Good-good-good Mmm! Sounds good.

Mmm! Hmm.

Bart, what's wrong? There's something a little off about your hug.

Mom, I need to tell you something.

I kind of- Uh-uh! Uh-uh! Let me guess.

A mother can always tell.



It's not fear of nuclear war.


It's not swim test anxiety.

It almost feels like you're missing something- something important.

Like I don't have a soul? Aw, honey.

You're not a monster.

My soul's my best friend.

! My soul's like a toy that never breaks.

- I'm master blaster! - My soul can take your soul.

! Bart sold his soul And that's just swell Now he's going straight to Hello, operator Give me number nine No soul, huh? Don't worry.

I'm still behind ya.

Ha-ha! Ahoy there, friends! Everybody find a first mate! Oh! I choose Martin! Wait.

Wait for me! Bart, it's time to end this dream And don't forget the standard scream An alligator with sunglasses? Huh! Now I've seen everything.

Hiya, folks.

Welcome to Uncle Moe's.

Aw, look at all the cute little minors.

Wow, that's Moe.

The guy from the ad! Right this way, Homer.

And he knows my name! Street signs indoors? Whatever! Now, Rod, you order anything you want for your big 10-0.

Million-dollar birthday fries! Uh-oh! "Moe gets so excited when you order his million-dollar birthday fries he just has to celebrate.

" Here you go! Here I am! Uncle Moe! Thank you, ma'am! This'll be a treat! Uncle Moe! Here I am, while you eat! Please take the fries off my head, kid.

The basket is extremely hot.

How are the southwestern pizza fingers? Uh, they're, um, "awesomely outrageous.

" Oh, these look good- "Guilt-Free Steak-fish Fillets.

" Let me level with you, Marge.

That's just our name for bottom-feeding suction eel.

You don't want that.

Why don't you try Moe's Hobo Chicken Chili.

I start with the best part- the neck.

And then I add secret hobo spices.

Ooh! Tr�s bien.

! Yeah.

What the hell are you doing, you little freak? Ooh, sorry, kid.


I'm not used to the laughter of children.

It cuts through me like a dentist's drill.

But, no, that was funny, you taking away my dignity like that.


I would like to say grace.

Lord, have mercy on my soul and Mom's soul, and Dad's soul, and Maggie's soul.

And let every soul in Christendom- Bart! I can't take this anymore! I want my soul, and I want it now! Bart! You didn't finish your spaghetti and Moe-balls! Silence, you fool.

It can be ours.

Run, boy! Run! Run for your life boy.

! Milhouse.

Milhouse, you win.

I want this nightmare to end.

Leave this place.

You are in great danger.

Where's Milhouse? The one you call Milhouse is gone.

He went to his grandma's place while we're sprayin' for potato bugs.


When Milhouse left, did you notice if he was carrying a piece of paper? Oh, yeah.

You don't forget a thing like that.

Oh, God.

Here you go! Here I am! Uncle Moe! Thank you, ma'am! This'll be a treat! Uncle Moe! Here I am, while you eat! - Yea! Now do it for Terri! - What, it's your birthday too? We're twins.

Here you go.

Here I am.

Eat your fries.

Eat 'em.

Here's you! Aw, geez.

And you got the stink lines and everything? Oh, dude, you did not smile.

We eat for free.

Come on, Shoshana.

Let's roll.

Ha-ha! But I sang you the potato stuffings! Come on! I sang you the potato stuffings! Look at the vein on that guy's forehead.

He's gonna blow! Unkie Moe? What is it, sweetheart? My sodie is too cold.

My teef hurt.

Oh, your "teef" hurt, huh? Your "teef" hurt? Well, that's too freakin' bad! I'll tell you where you can put your freakin' "sodie" too! Oh, my goodness.

! Ow! My freakin' ears! Oh, let's go, dear.

Well, I expect that type of language at Denny's, but not here! Aw, come on, folks, wait.

Please come back.

Please! I got a new offer.

Whenever Uncle Moe threatens you, you get a free steak-fish.

Okay, okay, Milhouse's grandmother lives on 257 th Street and I'm on 3rd.


Well, finally, a little luck.

I know you and your wife and every part of you Son, you wait here while Daddy tries to talk some sense into this raving derelict.

Ah, what the hell do you want- You still owe me $50- Slow down.

Slow down! Alfred Hitchcock stole every idea I ever had! He came into my room and- Who's been stealing your thoughts? Did you ever read The Old Curiosity Shop? They made that with John Gielgud- I have powers that- - Hello, Ralph.

- Aah! Uh, hi, Bart.

I know you from school.


A simple proposition, Ralph.

How would you like to make a dollar? Uh, I don't know.

All you have to do is sign a paper that says I can have your soul.

I need a soul, Ralph.

Any soul.

Yours! Hey! What's going on over there? Go on, take it all.

Get it all outta here.

You know, Moe, you might wanna keep the fire extinguishers.


Too many bad memories.

Well, look at the bright side, Moe- you still got us.



You know, that actually makes me feel a little better.

Why? That was the problem in the first place.

You were going broke because we were your only customers.

Wasn't that the problem in the first place, that you were going broke? Moe? Moe? Hey! Moe? You're thinking about all the money you blew, aren't ya? What was it, Look, maybe it would help if you went over all the mistakes you made from the beginning.

Moe? - What? - Let me get a pad.

A caller, at this hour? You dial "9-1," then when I say so, dial "1" again.

Milhouse, please.

Bart, I can't play now.

It's 2:00 a.


Milhouse, I gotta have my soul back.

I'll do anything you want.

Uh, well- Uh, Milhouse, give him back his soul! I've got work tomorrow! I'm really sorry.

I kinda traded your soul to the guy at the comic book store.

But look- I got some cool pogs.

Alf pogs! Remember Alf? He's back, in pog form! You traded my soul for pogs? No! Close that door.

! You're letting the heat out.

! Shut up, shut up, shut up.

! If you are waiting for the Hi and Lois signing it has been moved to the Springfield Coliseum.


You have something of mine on a piece of paper.


So you're Bart Simpson.

Since my breakfast burrito is congealing rapidly, I will be blunt.

You are too late.

I sold your soul last night.

Yes, yes.

I found a buyer right away for that item.

- Who? - I am not at liberty to divulge the party.

But they were most interested in having possession of a little boy's soul.

Uh, excuse me.

No banging your head on the display case, please.

It contains a very rare Mary Worth in which she has advised a friend to commit suicide, thank you.

Are you there, God? It's me, Bart Simpson.

I know I never pay too much attention in church but I could really use some of that good stuff now.

I'm afraid.

I'm afraid some weirdo's got my soul, and I don't know what they're doing to it.

I just want it back.

Please? I hope you can hear this.

Lisa! You bought this? With the change in my piggy bank.

There's no change in your piggy bank.

Not in any of the ones you know about.

- Oh, Lise, thank you.

- Happy to do it.

But you know, Bart, some philosophers believe that nobody is born with a soul that you have to earn one through suffering and thought and prayer like you did last night.



! It's like punting on the Thames.



Oh! Shh!