Here is a great collection of Simpsons Scripts . My grand momma loves to read these on the potty.
The Simpsons Episode Scripts
3F22 - Summer of 4 Ft. 2
Which kind of sprinkler do you like? The one that goes like this? Or the one that goes like this? Oh, and there's this one! It's the last day of school, Milhouse.
Try to show some dignity.
Gentlemen, start your chimes.
School's out! Up yours, Krabappel! Well, I'm glad the rest of you remembered that summer vacation starts at the end of the day not the beginning.
- Here you go, ma'am.
How'd you know he was gonna run? We've got someone on the inside.
The reward for a year's worth of toil and sacrifice.
The leatheroleum covers were worth the extra money! Oh! You can smell the benzene! Oh, when the kids see these layouts and fonts you're going to be the most popular girl in school! You know something, Beezee? I think you're right.
"And so, as Abraham Lincoln sat in Ford's Theatre that night John Wilkes Booth entered, drew his gun and"- Well, that's it.
Have a nice summer, everyone.
But what happened in Ford's Theatre? Was President Lincoln okay? He was fine.
Go home, Ralph.
In the beginning of the school year, each of you received a colored ticket.
I hope everyone still has theirs.
Who died and made you boss? Mr.
Estes, the publications adviser.
I edited the whole thing.
If you hadn't done it, some other loser would have, so quit milking it.
Hey! Will you guys sign my yearbook? Huh? This is Becky.
She's in the second grade.
Thanks for coming out.
" He writes the way people talk! Your daughter is named Seymour? Well, I-Yeah.
It's for me.
I don't get it.
Straight A's, perfect attendance, bathroom timer- I should be the most popular girl in school.
Homer, I'm in a rhubarb of a pickle of a jam here.
I was all set to go off on vacation when I get called up for jury duty.
Oh, it's a corker of a case.
Seems a man drove up onto a traffic island and hit a decorative rowboat full of geraniums.
Now they're trying it as a maritime offense.
So, anyhoo, how'd you like to use my beach house, free of charge? I only get two weeks of vacation a year and you want me to spend it in your lousy beach house? Well, if it'll seal the deal I'll take a look at your septic tank, see if I can get her humming again.
Deal! See, Flanders? You give a little, you get a little.
What you got for me? And you're sure the Flanderses won't be there? Well, it sounds great.
Bart, you can invite Milhouse.
- Lisa, you can bring a friend too.
- Hey, great! A friend- or a companion or- I don't know- a stuffed animal.
Well, did you call one of your friends? Friends? Huh! These are my only friends- grown-up nerds like Gore Vidal.
And even he's kissed more boys than I ever will.
Boys kiss girls.
- Mom, why don't I have any friends? - We have each other.
When I was a lonely little girl I always dreamed that someday my daughter would be my best friend.
We are best friends, Mom, but I'm a kid.
I need friends my own age too.
Honey, you'll make plenty of friends.
All you have to do is be yourself.
Be myself? I've been myself for eight years, and it hasn't worked.
Look at all these dorky clothes.
A bathing cap, nose plugs.
A microscope at the beach? Aah! What was I thinking? Mom, I'm gonna tighten Milhouse's straps.
He's fidgeting again.
Ow! Lisa, let's go! Here- Hmm.
Somebody's traveling light.
Maybe you're getting stronger.
Well, I have been eating more.
Wave bye-bye to our house, Maggie.
- Bye-bye, job.
- Bye-bye, toothbrush.
Bye-bye, Lisa Simpson.
When the hell are we gonna get to- Where the hell are we going? It's called Little Pwagmattasquarmsettport.
It's known as America's scrod basket.
I thought Springfield was America's scrod basket.
Springfield is America's crud bucket at least according to Newsweek.
" - Oh, geez! He actually wrote "diddly.
" - That was thoughtful.
"I left a few helpful notes around the house.
" Ah, come- Gee.
! - "Put food in me.
" - I'll take that.
Well, duh! With what, Ned? Nice try, Todd.
Isn't this fun, honey? It must be exciting to make a different set of beds.
I know you're joking, but it is! Say, why don't you put on your swimsuit and head for the beach? Well, it's kind of funny.
With all the craziness and confusion and meshuggaas of packing, I forgot to pack! Lisa, that's not at all like you.
I forgot my swimsuit, too, but I improvised.
Uh, Mom, I'm kind of trying to go for a different look this year.
Ooh! How about this adorable sunsuit? It has a starfish on the fanny, and it comes with its own pail.
Mom, come here.
! Bring money.
! So, where do you want to show off your new, hip togs? The Sherbet Shop, the Candle District? Big Sue's Tap-Water Taffy? If it's okay with you, Mom, I'd rather go find some kids.
You'll be my friend.
I'm never, never gonna let you get away.
Hey, hey! Last one in is a yearbook editor! Full speed ahead! Prepare to dive! Dive! It's low tide, boys.
I wonder where all the kids are.
Hey! A library! No, I can't.
That's the old, nerdy Lisa.
Lisa, read about my adventures in the South Seas and make me live again.
We've got periodicals on microfiche.
Won't you join our tea party? It would be ever so- Don't do it, Lisa! It's a trick! Run! Run.
I don't see any kids at all.
It's like they ditched me in advance.
So he goes, like- I can totally hear him going that.
Only kids are that incoherent! So, my mom tried to take me to some candle place, but I'm all, like, "No way.
" Like, you know, whatever.
Like, you know, whatever.
Hey! What's hap- Okay, okay, okay.
Not your fault.
It's a bird thing.
You don't control the birds.
You will someday, but not now.
- 'Sup? - Who's that? - I don't know.
Hey! I like your hat.
A compliment! Scanning for sarcasm.
Um, you guys skate? Try to.
The cops always confiscate our boards.
And you just know they're using them, like, five minutes later down at the station.
I think I know a place you can skate that's virtually deserted.
Like, you know, whatever.
- All right! - Excellent! Okay.
Hey, this place rocks! What'd you say your name was? - Didn't.
- I'm Erin.
So, how'd you know about this place? You into books? Me? Unlikely.
My gooney brother's always going to libraries.
I usually hang out in front.
You like hanging out too? - Well, it beats doin' stuff.
Hey, you up? You can use my board.
That's very, um, rad of you.
Hey, Bart! Lisa's skateboarding with some cool kids.
And she looks like Blossom.
Lisa? With people? If they're impressed by her, I'm gonna Bart their world.
Okay, Milhouse, you know the drill.
You go over and wow them.
I hide in the shrubs.
Hot stuff comin'through.
My friendship- You know you want it.
That kid, like, tries too hard.
Sh'yeah! The whole thing smacks of effort, man.
That's my dorky little brother, Bart- holomew.
Who does he think he is with that slingshot in his back pocket? Dennis the Menace? Mr.
Wilson or something.
How'd it go? Are we down with them? No! They must've seen you.
Oh, why do we have to play this lousy old game? Because it was the only one in the house.
Come on, Homer.
Open the door for your mystery date.
Ooh! Captain of the football team.
He's a dreamboat.
Don't wait up, Marge.
Your turn, your turn.
You got the dud! Hey, he looks just like you, Poindexter! How come Lisa doesn't have to play? Why does she get to hang out with her friends? You got friends.
You got the dud right here.
Stand up for yourself, Poindexter.
! I never appreciated all this, like, sea junk before.
- Hey, that clam's got legs! - That's a hermit crab.
When she outgrows her old shell, she finds a new one that's a better fit.
Don't be afraid, little friend.
You'll be the most popular crab on the beach.
Aw, a gift from my favorite crustacean.
Um, did you learn that word from a teacher or something? No.
No, I heard it on Baywatch.
- Oh, cool.
- That's cool.
David Hasselhoff, man.
I bet this place sells illegal fireworks.
Just go in and act casual like you buy 'em all the time.
Um- Let me have one of those porno magazines, large box of condoms a bottle of Old Harper, a couple of those panty shields and some illegal fireworks and one of those disposable enemas- no, make it two.
My apologies, sir, but the sale of fireworks is prohibited in this state and is punishable by- Follow me.
Any red-blooded, flag-feeding American would love the M-320.
Celebrate the independence of your nation by blowing up a small part of it.
Pretty cool of your mom to let us hang out here.
Not like my mom.
She'd be butting in with Rice Krispies squares and Tang.
My dad's all stoked 'cause today's the Fourth ofJuly.
- He woke me up at dawn to take a loyalty oath.
My mom's French, so we only celebrate Bastille Day.
Well, we could do something fun.
Um, how 'bout a beach party? - Oh, great idea, Lise.
- Hey, I know where there's a beach! I know where we could get some baguettes.
Gee, I don't know what you've got planned for tonight, Homer but count me out.
Didn't you buy any meat? This baby's sure to kill something.
Okay now, everybody.
Stand back while I celebrate freedom! - Bart, give me your matches.
- Fresh out.
No lighter? Nothing? Oh! Wait.
I got it.
D'oh! The beer! Oh! This is the worst Fourth ofJuly ever.
I hate America.
Come on, Milhouse.
Let's go down there.
I don't think you should.
Let Lisa be alone with her new friends.
They're my friends rightfully.
She only got them by copying me.
Don't have a cow, man! See? That's my expression! Oh.
You haven't said that in four years.
Let Lisa have it.
It's the principle.
She's gotta learn.
No! Now, park your keister, "meister.
" Ay, caramba! Hey, Lise.
I made something for you.
It's a friendship bracelet.
For me? Wow! My first real friend ship bracelet.
I don't have anything for you, except this necklace I made.
Hey, cinnamon dental floss! I just know we're gonna be friends forever.
So, Lisa has a friend.
We'll see about that.
Bart! I need my glasses.
I'm dizzy! I'm nauseous! Oh, but I'm popular! Huh? What's he doing here? My yearbook.
Hey, you guys! You want to see how cool Lisa Simpson really is? Check this out.
Miss Perfect Attendance Grammar Rodeo head buckaroo, the French table.
Ooh-la-la! "Teacher's pet"? Hey, Lise.
I guess my little yearbook stunt was pretty rough but it did teach you a lesson.
It's important to be yourself.
I know exactly who I am.
I am the sister of a rotten, jealous, mean, little sneak! You cost me my only friends! You've ruined my life! Hey, kids! There's a carnival tonight! Oh, boy! A carnival! Hmm.
Kids, stop that! Don't make me get the carny! Hey, Lisa! Make friends with this! Hey! Help! Help! Remember, kids, there's no need to bump.
Just enjoy the ride.
Oh! Lisa, wait! Being myself didn't work.
Being someone else didn't work.
Maybe I just wasn't meant to have friends.
Lisa is gonna freak when she sees this.
Well, hurry up.
They'll be back soon.
You found out I'm an overachieving bookworm.
So whatever mean prank you're pulling, just finish it up and send me a Polaroid.
- I'm going to sleep.
- Wait, Lisa.
Huh? Oh! - Oh! Oh! - Cool, huh? Well, now you can take the beach with you wherever you go.
Uh, but don't drive at night.
Does this mean you still want to be friends even though I tried to cover up my nerdish leanings? Look, we don't care who you were and you can't fake the kind of good person that you are.
You taught us about cool things like nature and why we shouldn't drink seawater.
This is the most thoughtful thing anybody ever- Sweet merciful crap.
! My car.
! The polite thing to do would've been to clean the shells first.
Shoo! Shoo! I guess I should give this back to you.
I showed it to your friends again before we left.
- Bart! - Look inside.
I signed it too.
Well, get a last look at the beautiful ocean scenery, kids.