The Simpsons Episode Scripts

3F18 - 22 Short Films About Springfield

The Simpsons D'oh! Milhouse, do you ever think about the people in those cars? I try not to.

It makes it harder to spit on 'em.

Sometimes I wonder about all the people in this town.

Do you think anything interesting ever happens to 'em? I mean, there must be thousands of great stories out there.

What do you think, Milhouse? - Milhouse.

- Huh? Oh.


I saw a convertible.

- You were saying? - Forget it.

Come on.

It's 11:00.

I need some sugar.

I wish you'd come to my party, Apu.

You could use some merriment.


Serving the customer is merriment enough for me.

Thank you.

Come again.

You see? Most enjoyable.

Oh, I guarantee a wingding of titanic proportions.

You will be there or kindly be square.

Well, I don't like to leave the store, but for the next five minutes I'm going to party like it's on sale for 19.


Quick, quick.

No time to cook them.

They will plump in my stomach.


Hello, beautiful.

- No ring, I see.

So you are only arranged to be married.

Ooh, ooh, ooh! I love this song.

Let us boogie.


I am hot.

Let us get out of here.

Don't worry.

I'll tell everybody you were untouchable.


Whoo! Well, Sanjay, never have I partied so hearty.

Same time next year, yeah? Yes! Made it.

And with one minute to spare.

You took four minutes of my life, and I want them back.

Oh, I'd only waste 'em anyway.

Swing Serenade is brought to you by Gorman's ear guards.

Guard your ears! With Gorman's.

Mom, Dad threw his beer can at the Miracle-Gro guy on TV.

- Can I recycle it? - Why not? There's gum in my hair! - Mom! Someone threw gum in my hair! - Are you sure? Maybe it's just shampoo.

That washes right out.


It's somebody's gross gum! Get it out! Ow! Ow! It's pulling out my hair.


If I remember my Heloise, the trick to getting out gum is peanut butter.


Now, that gum should lift right out.


Maybe it needs a little mayonnaise to get going.


You go sit in the sun and let it melt in.


Why me? Yuck.

I smell like a sandwich.

Smithers, what's the meaning of this slacking off? There's a bee in my eye, sir.

- And? - I- I'm allergic to bee stings.

They cause me to, uh, die.

But we're running out of forward momentum.

Uh, perhaps you could pedal for just a little while, sir.

Quite impossible.

I can try to bat him off if you like.

Uh, really, that's o- Holy cats, man.

We're starting to wobble.

Get me to a hospital.

You have to pedal.

Oh, "tuddle" Sunday trousers.

Fear not.

I'll get you to a hospital- the only way I know how.

Smithers, you infernal ninny.

Stick your left hoof on that flange now! Now, if you can get it through your bug-addled brain jam that second mephitic clodhopper of yours on the right doodad.

Now pump those scrawny chicken legs, you stuporous funker! One more jostle, you wretched shirk-a-day.

Help me.

Holy smokes! You need booze.

- Hi, everybody! - Hi, Dr.



Nick, this malpractice committee has received a few complaints against you.

Of the 160 gravest charges, the most troubling are: performing major operations with a knife and fork from a seafood restaurant- But I cleaned them with my napkin.

misuse of the cadavers- I get here earlier when I drive in the car pool lane.

There's a crazy man with a scalpel in E.


! He's demanding to see a quack.

Hi, everybody.

Now, tell Dr.

Nick where is the trouble.

I'm edgy.

I got ants in my pants.

I'm discombobulated! Get me a calmative! Slow down, sir.

You're going to give yourself skin failure.


Now, the symptoms you describe point to "bonus eruptus.

" It's a terrible disorder where the skeleton tries to leap out the mouth and escape the body.

Now you're talkin'.

Our one chance is "transdental electromicide.

" I'll need a golf cart motor with a 1,000-volt "capacimator," stat! Doctor, I can't in good conscience- Aaah! Now there's no time, man! We'll have to improvise.

- Oh.

- Keep doing that every five seconds.


Nick, we owe you an apology.

- Consider the charges dropped.

- All right! Free nose jobs for everybody! - Ay.

! You first.

- Give me a Van Heflin.

Say, uh, Barn, uh, remember when I said I'd have to send away to NASA to calculate your bar tab? Oh, yeah.

We all had a good laugh, Moe.

The results came back today.

You owe me $70 billion.

- Hmm.

- No.

Wait, wait, wait.

That's for the Voyager spacecraft.

Um, your tab's $14 billion.

Well, alls I got is 2,000 bucks.

Well, that's halfway there.


Freeze, dude.

Move a muscle and I'll blow this wino's head off.

I'm behind three inches of bulletproof glass.

Do your worst.

All right.


Stay out of there.

Stay out of there! Oh! Good God, no! Ho! Good-bye student loan payments.

Ha, ha! Come back here, you stinkin'- Hey.

I wonder how much air is in here.

Well, Seymour, I made it- despite your directions.


Superintendent Chalmers.


- I hope you're prepared for an unforgettable luncheon.

- Yeah.

Oh, egads! My roast is ruined.

But what if I were to purchase fast food and disguise it as my own cooking? Delightfully devilish, Seymour.

Ah- Skinner with his crazy explanations The superintendent's gonna need his medication When he hears Skinner's lame exaggerations There'll be trouble in town tonight Seymour! Superintendent, I was just- uh, just stretching my calves on the windowsill.

Isometric exercise.

Care to join me? Why is there smoke coming out of your oven, Seymour? Uh- Oh.

That isn't smoke.

It's steam.

Steam from the steamed clams we're having.


Steamed clams.


Superintendent, I hope you're ready for mouthwatering hamburgers.

I thought we were having steamed clams.

D'oh, no.

I said steamed hams.

That's what I call hamburgers.

You call hamburgers steamed hams? Yes.

It's a regional dialect.

- Uh-huh.

Uh, what region? - Uh, upstate New York.


Well, I'm from Utica, and I've never heard anyone use the phrase "steamed hams.

" Oh, not in Utica.


It's an Albany expression.

I see.

You know, these hamburgers are quite similar to the ones they have at Krusty Burger.

Oh, no.

Patented Skinner burgers.

Old family recipe.

- For steamed hams.

- Yes.


And you call them steamed hams despite the fact that they are obviously grilled.

Ye- You know, the- One thing I should- - Excuse me for one second.

- Of course.

Well, that was wonderful.

A good time was had by all.

I'm pooped.


I should be- Good Lord! What is happening in there? - Aurora borealis.

- Uh- Aurora borealis at this time of year at this time of day in this part of the country localized entirely within your kitchen? - Yes.

- May I see it? No.


! The house is on fire.

! No, Mother.

It's just the northern lights.

Well, Seymour, you are an odd fellow but I must say you steam a good ham.


! Help.

! "Helms calls for doughnut tax.

" There.

Done and done.


! Why did I have to stop at the railroad tracks? Better get some change.

It's okay.

It's okay.

I'm back.

See? Daddy's here.

Come on, Maggie.

Maybe if you just squeeze a little.

That's it.

That's it.

I- D'oh! Okay, okay.

Think, Homer.

The dog.


Go, boy! Go find help.

Go find help, boy.

No! Bad dog! Bad dog! Oh.

Don't worry, Maggie.

I'll think of something.

Who's that little baby? You know, I went to the McDonald's in, uh, Shelbyville on Friday night.

- The Mc-what? - Uh, McDonald's restaurant.

I- I never heard of it either, but, uh - they have over 2,000 locations in this state alone.

- Must have sprung up overnight.

You know the funniest thing though? It's the little differences.

- Example.

- Well, at McDonald's you can buy a Krusty Burger with cheese.

But they don't call it a Krusty Burger with cheese.

- Get out.

Well, what do they call it? - A Quarter Pounder with cheese.

Quarter Pounder with cheese? Well, I can picture the cheese, but, uh- Do they have Krusty partially gelatinated nondairy gum-based beverages? Mm-hmm.

They call 'em shakes.


" You don't know what you're gettin'.

Well, I know what I'm gettin'- some doughnuts.

Uh, help me out of the booth, boys.


Que d�a miserable a trabajo.

Primero, el ataque del "woodpeckero" loco.

Luego, un "desastro" de electricidad.

E finalmente, una "cat�strof�a" con una pelota de baseball.

Tiempo para "relaxar"en paz y quieto.


!: Naranjas en la cabeza.

! Whoa! Ay.

!: Una "candelabra" "precariosa".

! No, no, no, no, no.

! Ay.

D�nde est� mi tequila? Doughnuts I got doughnuts, I got- Hey.

I know you.

Hey, hey.

Wait up.

We gotta swap insurance info.

Hey! Hey.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa! Hold it right there.

Looks like the spider caught himself a couple of flies.

Come on, boy.

This is the spot right here.

That's a good boy.

Good boy.

Do your dirty, sinful business.

Howdy, Reverend Lovejoy.

Nice to see you there on my lawn with your dog.


Uh, oh.

Bad dog.

Look at that.

Right on Ned's lawn.

Now, how could you do such a thing? Good boy.

Don't stop now.

Bad dog! - I condemn you to hell.

- Better get the old snow shovel back from Homer, huh? Good boy.

Don't stop the music.

Marge Simpson.

Still making juice the old-fashioned way? No.

I've got gum in my hair.

Oh, we've tried everything.

Olive oil, lemon juice, tartar sauce, chocolate syrup gravy, bacon fat, hummus and baba ghanoush.

My scalp hurts from horsefly bites.

Why don't you freeze it with an ice cube and hit it with a hammer? - Works for me when I get bubbly gum in the old push broom.

- That sounds okay.

Aaah! Aaah! - Stop! Stop! - Hmm.

I seem to have mashed more hair into it.

Oh, well.

Ice cubes are useless, man.

Chewing gum's got to be chewed out.

Does the whole town have to hear about this? Arr! Have ye tried a Baltic squid? They can suck the bolts out of a submarine's hull.

All right! Fangoria will give me I can give you the name of a good gum and hair man.

I have a word of advice.

Don't try to dig gum out with a bone.

It just makes things worse.

Leave it in as evidence.

Bazooka Joe's got deep pockets.

Perhaps I can help.

My papa is foreman of the D�sseldorf Gum Works.

Some folk'll never eat a skunk but then again some folk'll Like Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel Hey.

What's goin' on on this side? Hey, Brandine.

You might could wear these to your job interview.

And scuff up the topless dancin' runway? - Nah.

You best bring 'em back where from you got 'em.

- Okay.

Back you go to waits for a woman of less discriminatin' tastes.

Most folk'll never lose a toe and then again, some folk'll Like Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel Hey.

You know what? I could call my ma while I'm up here.

Hey, Ma! Get off the dang roof! Yes.

And one with extra cheese.

- Thank you.

- C-Can I use your bathroom? No.

You may not.

The bathroom is for paying customers only.

- If you purchase an item, you may use the bathroom.

- Okay.

Um, how about that? That is a rare photo of Sean Connery signed by Roger Moore.

- It is worth $ 150.

- What can I get for 75 cents? You may purchase this charming Hamburglar Adventure.

A child has already solved theJumble using crayons.

The answer is "fries.

" Uh, Milhouse, what's going on? You said you just needed to use the bathroom.

Now I find you buying comics.

Oh, our transaction is completed.

You may take the boy.

Wait! As soon as Zed gets here, the party will begin.

There he is now.

- Who are you? - Uh, can my son use your bathroom? - You gotta say yes! - Okay, but be quick.

It's in back.

Uh, so, uh, n-nice store.

Uh, you know, when I was a kid this used to be a pet store.


Right over there against that wall there was the cutest little- Get in the corner.

Hey, Dad.

Can we get this, please? Oh, my gosh.

Sorry, mister.

Want me to cut off the gum or just style it? Cut it off, but be careful.

Don't worry, sweetheart.

I know how important hair is to a little girl.

You keep squirming, there's going to be a little bald girl with no lollipop.

I love it.

I finally look like a real person.


Ha-ha! Ha-ha! Ha-ha! Crud.

- He's down there.

- Crud.

! Do you find something comical about my appearance - when I am driving my automobile? - Yeah.

Everyone needs to drive a vehicle- even the very tall.

This was the largest auto that I could afford.

Should I therefore be made the subject of fun? - I guess so.

- Wh- He- Would you like it if I laughed at your misfortune? Huh? Maybe we should find out.

Now march.

Hey, everybody.

Look at this.

It's that boy who laughs at everyone.

Let's laugh at him.

Ha-ha! Wave to the people.

Blow them kisses.

Well, Milhouse, I guess interesting stuff does happen to people in Springfield.


Everybody in town's got their story to tell.

There's just not enough time to hear 'em all.


Sorry I'm late.

There was trouble at the lab with the running and the exploding and the crying.

One of the monkeys stole the glasses off my head.

Oh, no, wait.

Please, no.


I have a funny story, if you listen.

I even wrote theme music.




Professor Frink Professor Frink He'll make you laugh He'll make you think He likes to run and then the thing with the Person Oh, boy.

That monkey is going to pay.