The Simpsons Episode Scripts

3F17 - Bart on the Road

The Simpsons D'oh! Ah, spring break in Hong Kong.

Custom-made suits at slave-labor prices.

I- Good Lord! They've got this all wrong.

Yes, this is Principal Seymour Skinner.

- How can I help you, Principal? - I'm afraid there's some problems with my tickets.

I asked for a center seat, not an aisle seat.

I specifically requested not to have the kosher meal.

And I booked the flight leaving Saturday morning, not Friday morning! Okay, I've gone ahead and made those changes.

With the one-day advanced purchase price it's just an extra $7,830.



Chrysler! I can't afford that! But I can't close the school a day early just to suit my vacation.

Or can I? Think, Seymour, think.

"Go To Work With Your Parents Day"? Yes, Go To Work With Your Parents Day.

Tomorrow you will learn by doing and apply your knowledge of fractions and gym to real-world situations.

And Scratchy Show I still don't understand why you get to stay home and watch Mom work.

Because I've always been an advocate of women in the workplace, Lise.

I can't help it if Mom's workplace contains our TV.

I'm honored, Bart, and, Lisa, you'll have a fine time at the plant with Dad.

You've been interested in nuclear power for years.

I've signed numerous petitions to shut down that plant.

- Well, there you go! - Mom, you're blocking the TV.

If you need something to do, you can fill out my form.


"Parent's occupation.

"Please note: Homemaker is not allowed as it is not real work.

That's why you don't get paid for it.

" Bart can take my place at the plant.

Oh, but he so wanted to see women in the workplace.

How about Aunt Patty and Aunt Selma at the D.



? Of course! Of course! I would never ever have thought of that.

Some days we don't let the line move at all.

We call those "weekdays.

" Good one.

At least I'm not stuck at the cracker factory like Milhouse.

Wow! Ever wonder how crackers get salted? Have I! - Wow! - Crackers, ho! I never knew cracker production could be so exciting! But where do they make those crackers with the peanut butter already inside? - Uh, put this on and come with me, son.

- Whoo-hoo! Mmm.

Doughnut? No, thanks.

Do you have any fruit? This has purple stuff inside.

Purple is a fruit.

Uh- Oh! This is a map of nuclear sites around the country.

As a safety inspector, I'm responsible for changing most of these lightbulbs.

Why are there so many burnt-out ones? 'Cause they won't hire an assistant.

Martin, here's $10 to invest in the futures market.

Soy! Soy! Soy! Soy! Soy! Soy! Soy! Martin, you're up one million dollars.

Yes! But now you've lost all but $600.

You got greedy, Martin.

I'm sorry.

I guess watching me isn't any more exciting than being me.

Maybe we can make your job more fun.

- What are those? - I don't know.

Well, what if we used our imaginations? Houston- We have a problem.

Homer 13 is spinning out of control! I'm going after him! Boy, this is a lot more fun with a second person.


One more step.

I just gotta go laminate your license.

You'll get it in two to three weeks.

Hot damn! No more sittin' in the dirt at the drive-in.

Bart, I left the driver's-license-making machine on.

Turn it off.

Twenty-five years old? You're not 25 years old.

This I.


is completely fake.

Yes, you're right, Milhouse.

It is a fake, which makes it a fake I.


A fake I.


? Cool! And it's our ticket to the best spring break of our lives! One adult and two children, please.

I can think of at least two things wrong with that title.

Twenty-five? Whoa! Oh, I'm sorry, Mr.

"S," but I gotta check everybody.

What, are you kidding? I take it as a compliment.

Three beers, please.

Hey! Join the party! Spring break! Yeah! Well, when are we gonna get rowdy? Maybe when we find something decent to do with this I.


We could go rent a carpet shampooer.

Greetings, chums! Were your days at work as profitable as mine? I just had a sinful shopping spree at Wee World.

We're having the best spring break of our lives, and we don't need you around nerding it up.

That job is taken.

But surely I and my $600 could play some small part in your vacation fun.

Oh, yeah, right.

Like there's any way to get some kicks with a big wad of cash and a license to drive- Wow.

! Ooh, boy, Flipsy! You and I are going on a road trip.

Whoa! Ha-ha.

Gentlemen, for our road trip, I have taken the liberty of preparing an airtight and utterly plausible alibi for use on our parents.

I've been selected to represent the school at the National Grammar Rodeo at the Sheraton Hotel in Canada.

I've been selected to represent the school at the National Grammar Rodeo at the Sheraton Hotel in Canada.

I'm going away for a week.

See ya.

! Nah.

The National Grammar Rodeo? I wish I were going.

Oh, wait, wait.

I mean, I wish I was going.

- Is that right, Bart? - Mm-mmm-mmm.

It's not fair! I'm the best student in school.

How come I never heard about this competition? Maybe because you are, as we say in Latin, a "dorkus malorkus.

" That's not Latin.

Mom, Bart's faking it! Oh, honey, you've had your glory.

Now it's Bart's turn.


! Oh.

! Now, wait.

! Oh! Yeah.



Wait! Oh, oh! Ow! Bart! Nelson hit me! He sure did.

A cup holder! Bart, we gotta stop and get a cup! Uh, Bart? Cruise control, my good man.

Everybody all set back here? Nelson, good to see ya.

Martin, always a pleasure.


! Diablo Canyon 2 why can't you be more like Diablo Canyon 1? Hello? Oh! Homie, hello! I can't remember the last time you called me from- Oh.

You want to speak to Lisa.

Hi, Lisa.

How's your spring break going? I'm learning about owls.

Oh, owls, eh? So you probably wouldn't want to spend another day at work with me.

Sure, I would.

I can always learn about owls this summer at bird camp.

Oh! We've arrived in the vast cornfields of Canada! How much farther to the grammar rodeo? Grammar rodeo? We're going to a grammar rodeo? We're not going to a grammar rodeo.

- That was just an alibi, Milton.

- Martin.

- Martin.

- Fellows? - What? - Where are we going? Well, I realize it's trite but we could tour the bridges of Madison County.

Hey! Who has better vacation ideas than Triple-A? According to the publisher of this Triple-A guidebook, no one.

I've always wanted to see Macon, Georgia.


How about a fair? Not just a county fair, not just a Europe fair but a world's fair! - The World's Fair in Knoxville, Tennessee.

- Keep reading.

The Hungarians have built a giant, motorized Rubik's Cube and the fair's symbol is the sun sphere which sits atop a 266-foot-tall steel shaft.

- What's inside? - An information desk! Cool! So, it's a choice between Disney World and Knoxville.

- Knoxville, Knoxville, Knoxville! - I concur.

You made it! - Did you have trouble getting past the security guards? - Security guards? - Great! You want to get some lunch? - Sure.

The way I figure it if the candy stays in the machine for more than a year, it's up for grabs.

Why do you need me? It's a two-man operation, and you're the only man here I trust.

- Ready? - Ready.

- Whoo-hoo! - Whoo-hoo! Simpson, what in God's name are you- Zagnut bar, Mr.

Smithers? Razzles, Skittles, Whatchamacallits, Twizzlers? They all have hilarious names and are delicious.

Well, I am partial toJolly Ranchers.


Good work, Simpson.


Boy, Lisa, with you here, this hardly seems like work at all.

I don't know how I'm gonna make it through my night shift without you.

- We could have a slumber party.

- Oh, that'd be great! Sleeping bags on the floor, a roaring fire.

It'll be just like the time they kicked me out of the sporting goods store.

If you kids can't keep your hands to yourself I'm gonna turn this car around and there'll be no Cape Canaveral for anybody.

! That's it! Back to Winnipeg! - Bart, can we stop for ice cream? - Yes.

Bart, can we weigh the car at that weigh station? Yeah.

Bart, can we pick up that hitchhiker? I don't see why not.

- Bart, could we stop for ice cream? - Yes.

Well, I didn't think I was rehabilitated, but, uh I guess they needed the extra bed.

With Bart gone, and now you and your father, I'm not gonna have anyone to- - Thanks, Mom! Bye! - talk to.

What is this place? Branson, Missouri.

My dad says it's like Vegas if it were run by Ned Flanders.

Andy Williams! We don't need to stop here.

Yes, we do! Wow! I didn't think he was gonna do "Moon River" but then, bam- second encore.


Time for truth or dare.

You go first.

Eh, truth.

Ask me anything.

Who do you love most- me, Bart or Maggie? D'oh! All right.



Why don't you- Hello.

I'd like to speak with a Mr.

Snotball first name "Youra.

" - Youra Snotball? - What? How dare you! If I find out who this is, I'll staple a flag to your butt and mail you to Iran! - Okay.

Your turn.

- Hmm.


Uh, do you have a crush on anyone? - Dad! - I- I won't tell anybody.

Dad, you tell everybody everything.

Even Moe knew when I threw up on the dentist.

Moe thinks he knows a lot more than Moe knows.

Just give me another chance, and I'll prove I can keep your secret.


I like Langdon Alger.

I have no idea who that is.

Nobody does.

He's very quiet and enjoys puzzles.

But that still doesn't mean you can tell anyone.

I've already forgotten his name.

It was Larson something, right? Thanks, Dad.

Oh, this has been the best spring break ever! And with my patented seminar you will learn how to corner the real estate market through hypnosis.

Why waste your hypnotic powers on neighbors and coworkers? I can't take this anymore.


Oh, there.

Oh, Maggie.


We're on the homestretch.

Next stop, the Knoxville World's Fair and its fabulous sun sphere! Hurry up.

We've only got four days to spend at the- "Wod Fir"? Uh, excuse me.

Is this the world's fair visitor's center? Used to be, back in 1982.

You're 14 years too late.

But there's another world's fair coming soon, right? Before Friday? - What about the sun sphere? - You mean the wig sphere.

You're welcome to go up there if you want to see Now, are you gentlemen gonna buy some wigs or ain't ya? I guess fate was against us.

It's really nobody's fault, right? Huh? Right? We've still got a car and a wad of cash.

Uh, no, we don't.

I must have spent our last $10 on this Al Gore doll.

You are hearing me talk.

I hate this place.

- We've got no car.

- We've got no money.

And no one knows we're here! We're stranded! But on the plus side, I knocked over the sun sphere.

Ha-ha! This never would've happened if we'd gone to Macon, Georgia.

I'm just sayin', is all.

Fellows, I think perhaps the time has come to call our parents.

No! They'd kill us.

Look, we got here on our own, so we can survive here on our own.

All we need is money, food and a way to get home.

Follow me.

Everybody remember- we're parked under the sun sphere.

Hey! I need those to see! These lenses are perfect.

Now I can rebottom those antique Coke bottles.

Three hundred- - Hey! Come back.

- Four hundred, 500, 600- - Ow.

- Five hundred, 400, 300, 200, 100, zero.

Come on! This train goes right through Springfield.

Well, of course I'll accept.

Bart! I've missed you so mu- You want to speak to Lisa? So how's the National Grammar Rodeo, Bart? Lisa, I need your help, so I'm gonna let you in on a secret- there's no such thing.

I knew it! I knew it! Because why would they have our national grammar rodeo in another nation? You're gonna be in so much trouble- I'm in trouble already.

Here's what happened.

So you've got to think of a way I can come home for free.


You could travel for free if you were a stewardess.

Well, how badly do you want to get home? All right, all right.

How about a courier? They travel for free too.

No, that's a terrier.

They're dogs.

Well, you sure don't look 25 but your unlaminated, out-of-state driver's license is proof enough for me.

Here's your first assignment.

What the- Can we call our parents yet, Bart? Lisa.

This isn't working.

I've got to courier something to Springfield and it's gotta be big enough to fit Milhouse, Martin and Nelson inside.

But, Bart, that'll cost a fortune.

Simpson, how would you like to escort I can't take much more of this.

I'm counting on you, Lise.

- Whee.

- What's wrong, honey? There's something troubling me, but I don't think I can tell you because it's a secret.

You don't have to tell me, but I thought we trusted each other with our secrets now.

I mean, I haven't told a soul about your new boyfriend.

Langdon Alger? Oh, I don't like him anymore.

Okay, but you gotta promise you won't get mad or tell anyone, especially Bart.

- I promise.

- Bart rented a car with a phony driver's license and drove Milhouse, Nelson and Martin to a wig outlet in Knoxville and the car got crushed, and they're out of money and they can't get home and Bart's working as a courier and just came back from Hong Kong.


That's a real pickle.

Would you excuse me for a moment? All right.

I have thought this through.

I will send Bart the money to fly home, then I will murder him.

No! No! Then he'll know I told! Dad, you said I could trust you.


We'll work this out together.

First things first-Where is Knoxville? It's in Tennessee, right next to the Oak Ridge nuclear facility birthplace of the atomic bomb.

Well, maybe we could order something from Oak Ridge.

And Bart could be the courier.


Oak Ridge? This is Springfield Nuclear.

We need to order a, uh- "T-437 safety command console.

" Uh, Springfield, my computer shows your T-437 is fully operational.

Uh, I suggest you- Oh, my God! Oh, God, no! Oh, this can't be happening! You're operating without a T-437, Springfield! Oh, sweet mother of mercy! I mean- I mean, my God! And have it sent to the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant, care of HomerJ.

- No! Don't use your real name, or Bart will know! Forget the name Homer Simpson.

Have it sent care of Langdon Alger.

Bart? Bart? Hey! We really could use another air hole! Shh! They'll know you're in there.

But I don't think I'd go back again next year.

It's gettin' too commercial.

They've forgotten it's supposed to be about the grammar.

Hello? Oh, hello, Principal Skinner.


Bart has never been to Hong Kong.

Good night.

Good night.

Hello? Tennessee State Police? No, my son's car was not crushed in Knoxville.

I don't know where to begin telling you what's wrong with that.

Hello? No, Bart is not available tomorrow to deliver a human kidney to Amsterdam.


Are you laughing at me? Shh!