The Simpsons Episode Scripts

3F15 - A Fish Called Selma

The Simpsons D'oh! Movie For A Rained-Out Ballgame now returns to Dyan Cannon, Troy McClure and the Muppets in the 1977 film The Muppets Go Medieval.

Oh, Princess fair, whilst thou grant me thine dainty hoof in marriage? Oh, Sir Liesalot, I will! Mmm.

Unhand the swine, you swain.

Come, Piggy.

Back to Hamelot.

Not now, frog.

Me and Iron-Pants are just getting acquainted.

Dad, what's a "Muppet?" Well, it's not quite a mop and it's not quite a puppet, but, man- So, to answer your question, I don't know.

- Parry.

- Why'd they make that one Muppet out ofleather? That's not a leather Muppet.

That's Troy McClure.

Oh, back in the '70s, he was quite the teen heartthrob.


Who'd have thought he'd turn out to be such a weirdo? - What are you talking about? - You know, his bizarre personal life.

Those weird things they say he does down at the aquarium.

Why, I heard- Oh, Homer! That's just an urban legend.

People don't do that type of thing with fish.

Troy McClure's a perfect gentleman, like Bing Crosby orJ.



I wonder where Troy is now.




Hey, these guys are all over the road.

! All right, Captain Rush-Rush.

Out of the car.

Oh, I'm seeing stars here! No, just one.


I'm Troy McClure.

You may remember me from such films as The Greatest Story Ever Hulaed and They Came to Burgle Carnegie Hall.

Uh, afraid not.

License, please.

It says here you need corrective lenses.

Put those glasses on, mister.

You wouldn't ask a handsome man like me to wear glasses! It'd be a crime against nature! Well, they do kind of make you look like a nerd.

Tell you what.

Just go down to the D.



tomorrow and try to pass that eye test.

I'll tear up this ticket, but I'm still gonna have to ask you for a bribe.

Hello, Marge.

Hello, Marge.

How come no Chippendales dancers ever come in to renew their licenses? They carpool.

That's the problem.

Hey, I came here to get this revoked! Troy McClure? I thought he disappeared after that scandal at the aquarium.

Hey, I thought you said Troy McClure was dead! No.

What I said was he sleeps with the fishes.

You see- Uh, Tony, please! No.

I just ate a whole plate of"dingamagoo.

" Oh! Troy McClure! Hello, beautiful.

John Law tells me I might need to wear these glasses.

You? Nonsense.

You're Troy McClure.

I remember you from such films as MeetJoe Blow and Give My Remains to Broadway.

Stars like you don't need glasses.

Yuck! Now, Mr.

McClure, would you like to take off those glasses and read the top line? Uh, W seven, star, pound.

Look, Miss "Boo-Veer.

" As an actor, I depend on my remarkable looks.

If you could find it in your heart to pass me I'm sure I could find some way to repay you.

Say by buying you dinner? That took a lot of class.

All these celebrities on the walls.

I just know a big star like you is up there somewhere.

Uh, yes.

I'm over there.

Hmm? Hmm.






! So, working at the D.



must be very interesting.

Well, I think I'm getting Repetitive Stress Disorder from scratching my butt all day.

Being a huge movie star must be good too.

What are you working on now? I've been reading a lot of scripts lately.

You know, it's a lot cheaper than going to the movies.

Well, thanks for holding up your end of the bargain.

I had a pretty good time.


Me too.

You need a ride somewhere? Hey, get a load of this! Troy McClure on what looks like a date! Here you go, boys.

A little something for page one.

Hey, Homer.

! Isn't this your sister-in-law on a date with Troy McClure? Troy McClure.

He's a washed-up movie star.

He could be dating washed-up supermodels.

Oh, I don't know.

Maybe those rumors about his fish fetish weren't true after all.

This changes everything.

I'd pay to see him in a movie now.

If only that were possible.

Troy! My man! It's MacArthur Parker! MacArthur Parker, the agent? MacArthur Parker, my agent? Just checking in, my friend.

So, how's my favorite client? - We haven't spoken in eight years.

- Yes.

So, I saw the papers today, Troy.

Looking good.

That wholesome stuff really helps when I'm trying to find you work.

You haven't found me work in 12 years.

Oh, you! Jury duty is work.

And, listen, you keep getting seen in public with human females and I can get you work in the entertainment industry.


! Hello.

Selma Bouvier? It's Troy McClure.

You may remember me from such dates as last night's dinner.

- Hey! Troy! Troy! - That's right, boys.

Troy's back from the gutter, and he's brought someone with him! That's too funny! I can't remember when I've heard a funnier anecdote! Okay, now you tell one.

Well, not much happens to me but I once had dinner with a movie star and it was the most wonderful night of my life.

Really? Who was it? George Segal? I hear he plays the banjo.

Hmm, yeah.

Excuse me.

I ordered a Zima, not "emphysema.

" Please, don't smoke in our restaurant.

We don't serve contemporary California cuisine in your lungs.

Troy, uh, I'm sorry I ruined our evening.

I have to go now.

Oh, my God! Oh, God! I'm such a fool.

Got a light? Oh.

Sounds like you're really falling for him.

What's the matter? I'm not fun enough for you? Patty! Go on, Selma.

Tell me more.

I don't want to jinx it, Marge, but this could be it.

He asked me out again this Friday.

He's taking me to a special screening of his latest film.

You know, smoke actually smells good when it's coming outta you.

- Oh, I'm all out.

- Here.

Try one of my cigars.


My God! It's like five cigarettes at once! Oh, my head is swimming! That's not cigars, baby.

That's love.

No longer canst I conceal my love, my wimpled turtledove.

Oh, Princess fair, whilst thou grant me thine dainty hoof in marriage? - Oh, Troy! - Oh, Sir Liesalot.

! I will! - Ohh! - Just a second, baby.

Tonight, '70s leading man Troy McClure has finally met the woman of his dreams.

We may remember- Woman? Huh.


We may remember Troy from such films as The Verdict Was Mail Fraud and Leper in the Backfield.

With his high-profile romance Troy's managed to shake the rumors that have dogged his career.

And with news of his upcoming wedding, rumor has it he's up for some very choice roles.

Looks like you were wrong when you called him a washed-up deviant, Laurie.

All right.

Make sure my iguana's okay.

Selma, JubJub is fantastic! He's everywhere you want to be.

Welcome to your new home, baby.

It's fantastic! Garbage collection is Monday.

If you want to throw out a box, you have to cut it up.

It's so modern.

It's ultramodern, like living in the not-too-distant future.

Now, you make yourself at home here.

I'll be sleeping downstairs in the visitor's center.

- Oh.


- I'll see you in the morning, and get ready for tennis.

It comes on at 10:00.

Troy, Mac Parker.

Ever hear of Planet of the Apes? Uh, the movie or the planet? The brand-new, multi-million-dollar musical! And you are starring as the human.

It's the part I was born to play, baby! Help.

The human's about to escape.

Get your paws off me, you dirty ape! He can talk! He can talk.

He can talk.

He can talk! He can talk! - He can talk.

! He can talk.

! - I can sing Ooh! Help me, Dr.

Zaius! Dr.

Zaius, Dr.

Zaius Dr.

Zaius, Dr.

Zaius Dr.

Zaius, Dr.

Zaius Oh, Dr.

Zaius Dr.

Zaius, Dr.

Zaius - What's wrong with me - I think you're crazy - Want a second opinion - You're also lazy Dr.

Zaius, Dr.

Zaius Dr.

Zaius, Dr.

Zaius - Dr.

Zaius, Dr.

Zaius, oh, Dr.

Zaius - Dr.

Zaius, Dr.

Zaius Can I play the piano anymore - Of course you can - Well, I couldn't before - Dr.

Zaius, Dr.

Zaius - This play has everything.

Oh, I love legitimate theater.


Zaius, Dr.

Zaius I hate every ape I see From chimpan-A to chimpan-Z No, you'll never make a monkey Out of me Oh, my God, I was wrong It was Earth all along You finally made a monkey Yes, we finally made a monkey Yes, you finally Made a monkey Out of me I love you, Dr.


Thank you.

It's great to be back.

I just want to say I wouldn't be here without the support of a very special lady- my always outrageous fianc�e, Selma.

- Take a bow, sugar beet.

- Oh.


Thank you.

Down in front! My good looks paid for that pool and my talent filled it with water.

Hi, I'm Troy McClure, your future uncle.


I remember you from such filmstrips as Locker Room Towel Fight: The Blinding of Larry Driscoll.

- I was one of the first to speak out against horseplay.

- Uh-huh.

Remember when we were kids, we used to dream about our ideal husbands? Who knew the dream would come true for one of us? Oh, come on! Guess which one.

I know.

I know.

It's Selma, right? Yeah, that's a good idea, Homer but they've already made some movies about World War II.

Aw, hell! Well, what about Dracula? Homer, I'm really touched you invited me out on the town.

You're gonna be a four-star brother-in-law.

Troy, buddy, I got to know.

What's a great guy like you want to marry a guy like Selma? - Come here, Homer.

- Okay.

I'll let you in on a little secret.

And do you, Selma Bouvier Terwilliger Bouvier take the fabulous Troy McClure to be your lawful wedded husband? I already told you yes.

If anyone here knows why this couple should not be wed in holy matrimony let him speak now or forever hold his peace.

Da-da da-da-da Hey! Da-da-da-da, da-da da-da-da Hey! Da-da I now pronounce you husband and wife.

You may now kiss each other.

This is the best day of my life.

It's a good day for me too, baby.

Now, smile.

We're gonna be on every newsstand in the country.

Mwah! Hey! Look what I snagged, Marge.

The candy bride and groom from the wedding cake.



It was a beautiful wedding.

I've never seen Selma happier.

That reminds me-Troy said something interesting last night at the bar.

Apparently, he doesn't really love Selma and the marriage is just a sham to help his career.

Well, enough talk.

Let's snuggle.

What? Oh, my God! Marge, could you close your eyes? I'm trying to sleep.


This better be important.

It's my wedding night.

I'm trying to sleep.

Sleep is for has-beens, my friend, and you're about to have a very crowded schedule.

- This marriage scam is paying off big-time.

- Phone for you.

- T.


! - Troy, darling, come to bed.

I want to see the Troy McClure I remember from such films as Make-Out King of Montana and The Electric Gigolo.


In a minute, darling.

Well, she may be helping my career, but she's starting to cramp my style.

Oh, who cares? The offers are rolling in.

Paramount wants you for a buddy comedy with Rob Lowe and Hugh Grant.

- Those sick freaks? - Okay.

Then get this.

I think they want you to play McBain's sidekick in- brace yourself- the new McBain movie! McBain's sidekick? Hot damn! I'm going to Sea World! Selma, about you and Troy- We're not sure he's all he seems.

Marge is right.

He's wrong for you.

Better you find out sooner than later.

Wrong for me? How? Oh, I get it.

My sisters have come down with a case of the green-eyed gazungas.

I guess I shouldn't be surprised.

You're stuck in a menial job you'll be doing 10 years after you die.

And you're tied down to a man who'd have to bathe to be a slob.

Selma, Troy doesn't love you at all.

He's only using you to squelch the rumors about his bizarre personal life and further his career.

You don't know what you're talking about and I have to go now and see Troy.

Is this a sham marriage? Sure, baby.

Is that a problemo? You married me just to help your career? You make it sound so sordid.

- Look, don't we have a good time together? - Yes, but- Don't you have everything you ever wanted here? Money, security, a big, hot, flat rock forJubJub? But don't you love me? Sure, I do, like I love Fresca.

Isn't that enough? The only difference between our marriage and anyone else's is we know ours is a sham.

- Are you gay? - Gay? I wish! If I were gay, there'd be no problem.

No, what I have is a romantic abnormality one so unbelievable that it must be hidden from the public at all costs.

- You see- - Stop! You're asking me to live a lie.

- I don't know if I can do that.

- It's remarkably easy.

Just smile for the cameras and enjoy Mr.

Troy's Wild Ride.

You'll go to the right parties, meet the right people.

Sure, you'll be a sham wife but you'll be the envy of every other sham wife in town.

So, what do you say, baby? Tell me again about Mr.

Troy's Wild Ride.

One day, my lady Selma's gonna have a star right next to mine so watch out, Laszlo Panaflex.

Tonight all Hollywood's wondering who'll be chosen to costar in the big, new McBain pic, McBain IV: Fatal Discharge.

- Oh! You watching? - Mac, you gotta get me that part.

I will, but you gotta do something for me.

The problem is, the big parts these days are all going to family men.

But I already got married! Yeah, but for a role like this, you gotta pour it on-you and wife have gotta have a baby.

- A baby, eh? What do I do? - I'll send you over a pamphlet.

You can't buy that kind of P.


, but you can get it for nothing by having a baby which, by the way, your insurance will cover except for the deductible which I'll reimburse you for if you get the part which you will if you have a baby.

- C'est Troy bien.

- Okay.

Now, listen.

Let's talk baby names.

You can't use Montana, Dakota or Florida- they're taken.

- Mmm.

Oregon? - Oh! Pacific Northwest.

Very hot.

Having a child- that's a big step.

You bet it is! Think what it'll mean! Not just the McBain movie, but maybe my own fragrance- "Smellin' ofTroy"! It is probably my last chance to be a mommy.

Cigarette, Mrs.

McClure? You bet! From now on, she's smoking for two! Uh, come here, tiger.


Would you like some wine? Yes! Uh, why don't you come over here and make yourself more comfortable? No.

Why don't you come over here and make yourself comfortable? I'm sorry.

This whole concept's foreign to me.

Who knew a baby would be so much work? Having a baby isn't supposed to be work.

It's supposed to be an expression of the feelings we're supposed to have for each other.


Like how we built that snowman together in that Newport ad? Remember how "alive with pleasure" they said we were? Look, I'm sorry.

A loveless marriage is one thing.

We're not hurting anybody.

But bringing a child into a loveless family is something I just can't do.

Oh, great! We'll adopt.

I'll call my agent.

He'll find some kid who wants in on the deal.

Good-bye, Troy.

I'll always remember you, but not from your films.

Come on, JubJub.

Let's go home, and I'll microwave you some nice roaches.

In a bold move that has stunned Hollywood insiders newly divorced comeback kid Troy McClure has turned down the supporting lead in McBain IV to direct and star in his own pet project The Contrabulous Fabtraption of Professor Horatio Hufnagel.

Will the gambit pay off? Shh!