The Simpsons Episode Scripts

3F12 - Bart the Fink

The Simpsons D'oh! May I offer my condolences on the untimely passing of your Great-aunt Hortense.

As her only living heirs, you stand to inherit her entire estate.

Poor Aunt Hortense.



The only stipulation is that you spend one night in a haunted house.

- Oh.

Isn't that somewhat unusual? - No.

It's a standard clause.

Well, luckily, there's no such thing as ghosts.

Yes, there's no such thing as ghosts.

Best night's sleep I ever had.

Their tap water tasted better than ours.

Here you go- $100 each.

The rest goes to Ann Landers as was stipulated in your aunt's will.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I must have continued talking after you left the office.

I do that sometimes.

Oh, my.

What are you gonna spend your money on, kids? There's a special on tacos down at the Taco Mat- hundred tacos for $100- I'm gonna get that.

I'm gonna contribute my money to the Corporation for Public Broadcasting.

Tacos? Public broadcasting? I won't have you kids throwing away your money like that.

You're both coming downtown with me, and you're gonna put that money in the bank.

Boy, I sure could go for 100 tacos right about now.


Yes, this should provide adequate sustenance for the Doctor Who marathon.

You'll feel better knowing your money's - in the hands of professionals.

- "Ook, ook.

" Are you folks ready to go ape? - Mom? - A professional in an ape mask is still a professional.

And you'll find that saving for your future is far more thrilling than any roller coaster.

Really? Wow! I should have started a long time ago.


Now fill out these forms.

I'm sure you'll find them more exciting than a weekend with Batman.

I got their new Thrifty Saver savings account.

instead of the normal 2.


So a year from now I'll have an extra nickel.

I got the account where you get free customized checks.

I chose the Hindenburg flip-book series.

Cool! Hmm.

Checking accounts aren't really for children, Bart.

No, Mom, I can handle it.

Let's see.

Pay to the order of Lisa- One cent, and no cents.

And now the old John Hancock.

- There you go.

- Thank you.

A million dollars? Thanks, Bart.

I owe you one.

That's a post-dated check, remember.

- Don't cash it till the year 10,000.

- Okay.


As soon as the check clears, I'll let you go.

That's it.

No more autographs.

I gotta go.

They're naming a new sandwich after me at my restaurant.

It's okay, Bart.

You can share mine.

Quick! Press against me while the ink's still wet.

No need.

I'm going to get Krusty's autograph the easy way.

If he wants these 25 cents, he'll have to endorse the check by signing it on the back.

Then, when my monthly bank statement comes I'll get the check back, complete with autograph.

No fuss, no muss.

That's a good plan but it won't impress girls like this.

Ew! Lisa's autograph.

Apu's autograph.

Oh, what do you know.

Jimbo's real name is Corky.

And Krusty.

Hey! "Cayman Islands Offshore Holding Corporation"? Krusty was supposed to sign this.

- Take it back and make him sign it.

- Uh, no, no.

Stamping the back of a check is perfectly legal, little boy.

Many people do it to save time.

You see, in this case, instead of writing out his name Krusty has stamped the name of his Cayman Islands Holding Corporation on the- Hmm.

Uh, excuse me a minute.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I can't divulge information about that customer's secret, illegal account.

Oh, crap.

I shouldn't have said he was a customer.

Oh, crap! I shouldn't have said it was a secret.

Oh, crap! I certainly shouldn't have said it was illegal.

It's too hot today.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! I bought this popcorn fair and square.


The bank is- Oh, kid, gosh.

I meant to tell you- Turns out that Krusty is one of the biggest tax cheats in history.

And they nailed him, all thanks to you.

Some might say you're a hero, kid.

Not me, however.

I love Krusty.

Ladies and gentlemen, Krusty the Clown was arrested today for massive tax fraud.

Krusty's years of tax "avoision" would never have- - What the heck is "avoision"? - "Avoision"- It's a crime.

- Look it up.

Would never have- - "Evasion.

" "Evasion.

" I don't say "evasion," I say "avoision.

" Would never have come to light if not for a crafty little boy named Bart Simpson.

Krusty's my hero.

How could I do this to him? It is a tragedy for all us kids but Bart, you can't beat yourself up.


There'll be enough people to do that for me at recess tomorrow.

Oh, I can't go to jail! I got a swanky lifestyle.

I'm used to the best.

Krusty, this is America.

We don't send our celebrities to jail.

We're just going to garnish your salary.

Garnish my celery? Please, Krusty.

No jokes.

Who's joking? Oh, I don't know what you're saying.

It all sounds so crazy to me.

It simply means we'll be taking part of your salary until your debt is repaid.

Say, 75% for 40 years.

- But I don't plan to live that long.

- Oh, better make it 95%.


The Internal Revenue Service presents Herschel Krustofski's Clown-Related Entertainment Show.

Hey, hey, kids.

Now that the Feds are calling the shots this show's gotta be a lot more cost-effective.

So we had to cut down on the frills like sets, props, costumes and Sideshow Mel.

But that doesn't mean we can't have fun.

For example, I sure wish somebody would give me a banana cream pie.

Yeah! Uh- I guess we can't afford pies right now.

Well, throw something! Oh, that corner! Um, I'll have four Tax Burgers one "I.



-wich"- withhold the lettuce- three dependent-size sodas and a "FICA-ccino.

" Fill out schedule "B.

" You should receive your burgers in six to eight weeks.

Well, let's see here.

Add schedule "B" to line 53, take away the- Hey, Marge, what were your gambling losses last year? Seven hundred dollars.

They took my money, they wrecked my show they buried a bunch of stinking veterans in my family plot but at least I still got my memories.

Those are locked up safe in my fabulous mansion.

And now, lot number 66, a handmade leather suitcase carried by the Krustofski family upon their arrival at Ellis Island in 1902.

A priceless heirloom and historic piece of"Krustyana.

" - What am I bid? - Forty cents.

I got 40 cents.

Sold, for 40 cents.

Forty cents? My grandpa Zev would turn over in his grave if it wasn't filled with some veteran.

Lot 67, 32 cartons of pornography.

- Ten cents.

- Twelve.

Twelve cents to our phone bidder in Japan.

Any other bids? All I brought is a dime.

I didn't know there'd be pornography.

- Sold, for 12 cents.

- Oh, my beloved pornography.

I can't watch this anymore.

- I'm going to bed.

- How much for Krusty's bed? - Half a buck.

- Sold! - Good night, everybody.

- Good night, Moe.

And now lot number 2,380- Krusty's private plane - the I'm-On-A-Rolla Gay.

- But I love that plane.

I used to fly to Vegas in it with Dean Martin.

One night he looked out the window and the moon hit his eye like a big pizza pie.

We wrote a song about it but it ended up infringing on one he recorded years before.

Hey, Selma, that plane would go great with your new suitcase.

Nah, I just bought it to soak my feet in.

Krusty? Hi.

Is it okay if I sit down here? Aah.

Go ahead, kid.

Knock yourself out.

I'm sorry for all the trouble I've caused you, Krusty but you know, my mom says God never closes a door without opening a window.

No offense, kid, but your mom's a dingbat.

There's no silver lining here.

I was a big cheese- a huge cheese! But now look at me.

I gotta ride the bus like a schnook.

I gotta live in an apartment like an idiot.

I gotta wait in line with nobodies to buy groceries from a failure! It doesn't matter how you live or what you did wrong.

As long as you're on TV, people will respect you.

Respect? Pah! What good is respect without the moola to back it up? Everywhere I go I see teachers in Ferraris- research scientists drinking champagne.

I tried to drink a Coke on the bus and they took away my pass.

That's no life for a famous clown.

Well, if it'll make you feel any better, Krusty you can punch me in the face.

Nah, forget it.

Go home, kid.

Shiva H.

Vishnu! Where is that noise coming from? I must say, I've had a lovely evening, Agnes.

I don't suppose I could come in for a cup of- - Seymour! - Mother.

Superintendent Chalmers! - Skinner! - What I wouldn't give for something to interrupt this awkward moment.

That'll do nicely.

- You gotta hand it to Krusty.

- Yeah.

Even with all his problems, he's still willing to do something unbelievably dangerous just to entertain his fans.


Oh, that's my Krusty.

I got a feeling he'll be all right.

Oh, my God! Krusty's shoes! Okay, folks, show's over.

Nothing to see here.

Show's- Oh, my God! A horrible plane crash! Hey, everybody, get a load of this flaming wreckage.

Come on, crowd around.

Crowd around.

Don't be shy.

Crowd around.

Ladies and gentlemen Krusty the Clown is dead.

- I can't believe Krusty's really gone.

- Don't worry, son.

I'm sure he's up in heaven right now laughing it up with all the other celebrities- John Dillinger, Ty Cobb, Joseph Stalin.

I wish I were dead.

We're gathered to mourn the passing of Herschel Schmoeckel Krustofski beloved entertainer and dear friend.


I'm Troy McClure.

You might remember me from such show business funerals as "Andre the Giant, We Hardly Knew Ye" and "Shemp Howard: Today We Mourn a Stooge.

" Now, Krusty's closest friend and sidekick Sideshow Mel.

I'll miss you, Krusty- I and all the other Sideshows- except Sideshow Bob.

But, in the midst of our sorrow we can take comfort in the fact that your elevated blood-alcohol level probably helped you burn up quicker.

Since you left us no earthly remains it is my sad duty to unveil this simple memorial.

Next in our cavalcade of celebrity mourners- Bob Newhart.

Uh- See, uh- To tell you the truth, I'm, uh- I was just- I'm just killing time here.

I was waiting for a well, a different- different funeral to start.

I'll handle it.

Bob Newhart, everybody! Oh, uh- Although, you know- Though I started my career several years before Krusty, so you know, I could never really have learned anything directly from him still, I think, in a way- in a very meaningful way- that, uh- that I- uh- uh- all of us- have, uh- have learned from him.

You know, that is, by being, uh, on television for- for- for so many years.

Even- Even though you know, m-many of us, we- we didn't- we didn't watch his show.

Th-Thank you.

Well, that's the funeral, folks.

We'll be sitting shivah at the Friar's Club at 7:00 p.


, and again at 10:00.

You must be over 18 for the 10:00.

It gets a little blue.

And so, Herschel Krustofski is gone, but not forgotten.

Today was the unveiling of the new Krusty stamp.

Postal patrons were asked to choose between two competing designs- one of Krusty's heartwarming smile and one of his fiery death.

By a nearly two-to-one vote, the smiling Krusty was chosen.

Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy.

People die all the time just like that.

Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow.

Well, good night.

Krusty! Mom! I just saw Krusty! - Yes, dear, in your mind.

- No, on the street.

- On the street in your mind.

- Why won't you believe me? Sweetheart, maybe you just want Krusty to be alive so badly you think you see him everywhere.

I went through the same thing when Lyndon Johnson died.

And these pills will help with the queasiness.

Krusty? Dr.

Hibbert, who was that man? Now, Bart, telling you would violate the patient-doctor privilege just as if I were to tell you that Jasper here has five seconds to live.

- What'd he say? - He said I'm next.

Am I going crazy? I'm seeing Krusty everywhere.

Bart, you're seeing Krusty everywhere because you want to tell him you're sorry for causing his death.

Would it help if I told you you're not responsible - for Krusty's death? - Yes.

Yes, it would.

Well, I can't.

You'll just have to learn to live with your mental problem.

Wait a minute.

All those things I saw- there's a connection.

The truck full of nets and buckets the queasy guy, the lobsters- They all point to one thing.

Follow me.

Arr! I've got some customers.

Call me back, Ishmael.

Ahoy there, minnows.


Have you seen this man? Arr! That's Handsome Pete.

He dances for nickels.

Pete, ye got some customers.

No, we're looking for this man- Krusty the Clown.


N'arr, n'arr, n'arr.

It's hopeless, Bart.

We've searched up and down these docks from pier one to that Pier 1 by pier 17.

Lisa, look-a signature with stars around it, just like Krusty's.

"Rory B.

Bellows, slip eight.

" Let's go! Not a quarter! Arr! He'll be dancing for hours.

- Are you Rory B.

Bellows? - Yes.

- How about Krusty the Clown? - Sorry.

I don't do impressions.

Well, if you're not Krusty, how come you have the exact same signature as him? I'm Rory Bellows, I tell you and I got a lot of corroborating evidence over here by the throttle! You know, you two could have said something instead of letting me make an ass of myself.

Hey, you got a pacemaker scar, just like Krusty.

And Krusty's superfluous third nipple.

Can't you see I don't want to be Krusty anymore? - That's why I faked my death.

- But we saw your plane crash.

Yeah, but I wasn't in it.

Just before I hit the mountain, I jumped out of the plane into a carefully placed net.

Now that we've blown your cover, I guess you gotta come back and do your show again.

Or kill us.

I won't be coming back, kids.

I got a sweet life here.

The sea air is clearing my lungs the sun is toasting my pale skin a healthy brown and most important, I learned that I don't need money to be happy.

All that high living just distracted me from my true calling in life- salvaging sunken barges for scrap iron.

Sorry, kids.

There's nothing left for me on dry land anymore.

But Krusty, what about all the kids who depend on you to brighten up their afternoons? - Are you gonna turn your back on them? - Yes! Come on, Lise.

Krusty doesn't want our attention anymore.

Let's go worship somebody who has the guts to be a celebrity.


Krusty doesn't want to be a clown.

He's happy just being another blue-collar bozo.

Meh! Krusty's tired of having phonies around pretending to be his friends.

I'm sure he'll find plenty of people who'll like him for who he is.

Uh, it could happen.

Aw, who needs friends? The incessant beep of the global positioning system is all the companionship I need.

Tell me where you are now, you bastard! All right, I admit it.

I miss the phonies.

That's all I miss- that and ShirleyJones's and Marty Ingels's New Year's Eve party.

What about that great feeling you get from knowing you're better than regular people? What about being an illiterate TV clown who's still more respected than all the scientists doctors and educators in the country put together? Yeah! I'm not gonna let those guys hog all the respect while I'm out here on some stinkin' tub.

That's just what those eggheads want.

Well, forget it, poindexter, 'cause Krusty's back in town! Yea! So, Krusty, what are you gonna do about your tax problem? Don't sweat it.

The life of Rory B.

Bellows is insured for a surprisingly large amount.