The Simpsons Episode Scripts

3F09 - Two Bad Neighbors

The Simpsons D'oh! Live from the famous brown sands of Public Beach, Delaware it's the Grand Nationals of Sand Castle Building Preview.

Oh! Saturday afternoon TV is so boring.

- Bikini girls.

- Hmm? - Dune buggies.

- Hmm! Daredevil surfers.

Ordinarily this beach would be swarming with them, but not today.

Oh, no! They've all been cleared out to make way for painstaking sand preparation.

That's right, Dick.

This year everyone's abuzz about one thing- the absence of Mark Rodkin.

Oh, wait.

There he is.

- Marge, I'm bored! - Why don't you read something? Because I'm trying to reduce my boredom.

You can hand out these flyers for the neighborhood rummage sale.

You'll get some fresh air and exercise.

Eh, I'll do it anyway.

Come on, boy! We're going to see the neighbors.

Good old Evergreen Terrace.

The swankiest street in the classiest part of Pressboard Estates.

If you love it so much, why are you always littering? It's easier.

Duh! Oh! Howdy, neighbor! May I spray you with the hose in a playful fashion? Eh, spray the boy.

Well, ready for the big rummage sale? Oh, yes, indeed.

I've got nothing but time until they fix that malfunctioning Squishy machine.

Hey, I never noticed this place.

Dad, it's right across the street from us.

That fancy house will never sell.

Nobody who could afford it would want to live in this neighborhood.

Hey, what's wrong with this neighborhood? Big shot! Too good to buy a house here, snobby? - Who you talking to, Homer? - The guy who doesn't live there.

Can we get rid of this ayatollah T-shirt? Khomeini died years ago.

But, Marge, it works on any ayatollah- Ayatollah Nakhbadeh, Ayatollah Zahedi.

As we speak, Ayatollah Razmara and his cadre of fanatics are consolidating their power.

I don't care who's consolidating their power.

Well, we don't need this.

Marge, that's the Rhinestone Nights Fashion Gun! - I need it to rhinestone up my old clothing.

- Who's "Disco Stu"? Oh.

Well, I wanted to write "Disco Stud," but I ran out of space.

Not that Disco Stu didn't get his share of the action.

So, if you're looking for a half bag of charcoal briquettes or an artificial Christmas tree, trunk only come on over to the Hibbert table, pronto! Well, sir, looks like we got some nice items here at Table Glick.

Like this.

What the heckaroonie is this, Mrs.

Glick? It is a candy dish, Ned.

Ninety dollars.


Well, I, uh- I guess you could put a lot of nice things in there.

No! Just candy, Ned.

Ninety dollars! Well, looks like somebody sold something today.

Are you interested in that motorized tie rack, Principal Skinner? Hmm.

It's awfully loud.

Well, you can always take the motor out and use it as an ordinary tie rack.

But now the ties are motionless.

Those in back are virtually inaccessible.

Well, it's a moot point as I have only one tie to begin with.

I believe I'll pass.

Have you sold that tie rack yet? - No.

- I'll take it.

Now, folks, nothing spells fun like rhinestones on a dungaree jacket.

Stu, you should buy that.


Disco Stu doesn't advertise.

Uh, hey, Ned, let me help you with that.

Hey, everybody! Who thinks Flanders should shut up? So, anyone here from Evergreen Terrace? I think this is the best neighborhood in town.

Anybody agree with me? - You're the king, Homer! - King of the neighborhood! Say, that ayatollah thinks he's better than America.

Is he right? - No! - Yes.

- For only five dollars, you can sock it to him in style.

- Right here! And for the man who has everything, a tie-rack motor.

I'll take that.

Hey, big spender Dig this blender Rainbow suspenders Hey, big spender We surrender Spend Some dough at table three Thank you, neighbors.

Thank you.

Now, let's give it up for table five! Ah, ah, ah, ah Table five, table five Ah, ah, ah, ah Table fi-i-i-ive Table five Table five Hey, what's the big deal? It's just some new guy moving in.

Disco Stu likes disco music.

Hi there, neighbors.

Uh, I'm George Bush.

Former president George Bush? Oh, former president George Bush! Okay, let's give it up for the new guy! Now, let's all turn around and pay attention to me again.


Hello! Hello! Wow! A former president living right across the street! Oh, why did he have to move in on my territory? Look at him.

Thinks just because he led the free world he can act like a big shot! Stupid president! Why couldn't he just stay in his own state? Actually, this is one of the nine states where Mr.

Bush claims residency, Dad.

I wouldn't have voted for him, but it's nice to have a celebrity in the neighborhood.

Wait a minute.

If Lisa didn't vote for him, and I didn't vote for him- You didn't vote for anybody.

I voted for Prell to go back to the old glass bottle.

After that, I became deeply cynical.

And your business here, Mr.

Flanders? Well, sir, I'm welcoming the Bushes on behalf of the neighborhood association.

Never mind about that, Ray.

Just give 'em a quick pass with the metal detector and let 'em on in.

Hey, Bar! The neighbors are here.

Howdilly-doodilly there, President Bush- Or should I say President Neighbor? I'm Ned Flanders, and this is Maude, Rod and Todd.

Howdilly-doodilly yourself there, Ned.

This is my wife, Barbara.

Call her Bar.

Would you like some lemonade? - Tiptop-notch! - Okilly-dokilly.


- Greatalicious.

- Scrumpdiddlerific.

Fine and dandy like sour candy! Bar's a whiz with cold drinks, aren't you, Bar? Don't understand lemonade myself.

Not my forte.

What brings you to Springfield? George and I just wanted to be private citizens again go where nobody cared about politics.

So we found the town with the lowest voter turnout in America.

Just happy to be here among good, average people with no particular hopes or dreams.

But, Mr.

President, we're not all good people.

There's one little boy you should watch out for.

He's a bad, bad little boy.

Now, Todd, don't scare the president.

Oh, look at those phonies sucking up to Bush.

I guess you might say he's barking up the wrong Bush.

There it is, Homer.

The cleverest thing you'll ever say, and nobody heard it.

D'oh! Just gonna relax with my U.


News & World whatnot.

Oh, good.

Roasting the new guy.

Hello, Mr.

Bush! George, this is a neighborhood boy, Bart Simpson.

- He came over to say hi.

- Yeah.


- Hi! Hey, what's this? - My electric card shuffler.

Don't go near that- Now, I told you- Oh, those cards are from Air Force One and they only give you so many packs.

Oh, George! Boys will be boys.

Bart's just being friendly.

Why don't you get off that sofa and show Bart your photos? Oh, but he'll gunk 'em all up.

His hands are probably covered with mud and cookies.

He probably stole a napkin.

- Who's that, George? - That's me with Charlton Heston.

- He was- - Who's that, George? You wouldn't know him.

That's Bob Mosbacher.

He was secretary of- That's a dumb name.

Who's that, George? Maybe he thinks "Bart" is a dumb- - How many times were you president, George? - Just once.

Bar, isn't it time for dinner yet? I'm making rice.

It'll be a while.

Did your Secret Service goons ever whack anybody, George? You know, in my day little boys didn't call their elders by their first names.

Yeah? Well, welcome to the 20th century, George.

I'll kick you right out of the 20th century, you little- Oh, man.

I only got one minute till they stop serving those breakfast balls! D'oh! Ah, let's see now.

What do you folks have here, huh? Hmm.

A Krusty Burger.

That doesn't sound too appetizing.

What kind of stew do you have today? Uh, we don't have stew.

Sir, why don't you just have the cheeseburger? That's really more of a weekend thing, Ray.

Hey, jerk! Move your fanny! That guy's louder than World War II.

Ray, go see what the rhubarb is, will you? Sir, could you pop your hood? Hey, my taxes paid for that horn! Why, hello, Mrs.


Hi, Bart.


Bush is upstairs napping.

Your husband's awful grumpy.

Oh, that's just his way.

He really likes you.

You know, it's time for him to get up and work on his memoirs.

Why don't you go wake him? What the- Great Scott! Don't touch that.

That's the alpenhorn Helmut Kohl gave me.

- Where'd you get those pajamas? - They're presidential pajamas.

You have to be president, and you're not president.

- Yes, I am.

- D- No, you're not.

Bar! - Hey, where's your candy? - We don't have any.

Now, go away! George! Older people don't eat much candy, Bart, but I could bake you some cookies.

Can't remember the last time she made cookies for me.

- What's that? - Oh, n-nothing.

All right.

His story checks out.

Marge, would you love me more if I were president? 'Cause I'll do it if it'll make you happy.

Homie, as long as you keep the car full of gas, I'm happy.

Well, you can always depend on that.

And since I'd achieved all my goals as president in one term there was no need for a second.

The end.


Good memoirs.

Good, not great.

Now, let's look at that old outboard.

Soup that baby up, rattle a few windows down Kennebunkport next May.

Hello, Mr.

Bush! - What ya doin'? - Now, don't upset the desk there.

- Careful! You don't want to horse around with- - Hey, cool! What does this do? Now, don't you pull that cord, young man! - No, no.


! - Whoops.

Bar, my motor's gone loco! Oh, the birdhouse! My prize orchids! No.

Not the memoirs.

Don't even think about it.

Not gonna happen.

- Whoa, man.

- Whoa nothing.

I'm gonna do something your daddy should've done a long time ago.

Now, go home and think about what you've done, young man.

He spanked you? You? Bart Simpson? I begged him to stop, but he said it was for the good of the nation.

Big deal! When I was a pup, we got spanked by presidents till the cows came home.

Grover Cleveland spanked me on two nonconsecutive occasions! Grampa, I know in your day spanking was common but Homer and I just don't believe in that kind of punishment.

And that's why your no-good kids are running wild! First, Bush invades my home turf, then he takes my pals then he makes fun of the way I talk probably.

Now he steals my right to raise a disobedient, smart-alecky son! Well, that's it! Hey, Bush! Get out here! Excuse me, sir.

Where are you going? I'm going to punch George Bush in the face.


Is he expecting you? - You owe me an apology! - Hey, you owe me an apology.

If you were any kind of a father you'd have disciplined that boy a long time ago.

You want to step back, sir? You're trampling the flowers.

Ooh! Hiding behind your goons, eh, Bush? Whoa! Well, you are a wimp! Wimp, am I? AgentJohnson, Agent Heintz you men stand down.

All right, mister, you want trouble, you're gonna get trouble.

Oh, I want trouble, all right.

- Then you're gonna get trouble.

- No, you're gonna get trouble.

Oh, that's good.

That's good, 'cause I want trouble.

- Then we're agreed.

There'll be trouble.

- Oh, yeah! Lots of trouble.

- Trouble it is! - For you.

D'oh! This is gonna be sweet.

Two hundred bottle rockets, and George Bush doing toe touches by an open window.

You get one up his butt, it's a million points.

Why don't you just say you're sorry, George? Because I'm right.

Oh, no.

I'm gonna fix their wagon good.

I've pulled some pranks in my time.

I- I don't understand.

Are you saying you and Barbara are bad neighbors? No! That's not Bar and me.

It's them.

- Who? Maude and me? - No! The man and his boy.

You know, the- the boy is named Bart.

I don't know the name of the man.

Bar! What's the name of the man? - I'm not getting involved, George.

- Look, just never mind.

I thought the banner was pretty straightforward, but I guess I'll just take it down.

George, it's time to get dressed.


Not going outside today, not with those neighbors.

Staying right here till my speech to the Elks Club.


! - Who is it? - It's your sons, George Bush Jr.

and Jeb Bush.

- Come outside, Dad.

- Oh, good.

Bar! The boys are in the front yard.

They'll help me think of a plan to get those Simpsons.

Oh, George! Is that all you ever think about? The boys probably just want a letter of recommendation.

- Boys? Where are you going? - Okay, son.

Give him the glue! Hey, lookin'good.

! And that's why I will continue to oppose teen alcoholism in all its forms.

Now, are there any questions? Keeping in mind that I already explained about my hair.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

The Simpsons.

President Bush is driving on our lawn.

- He must be lost.

- He's not lost.

Looks like we're experiencing some blowback from the wig offensive.

- It's time to hit him where he lives.

- His house? Bingo.

So I thought to myself, "What would God do in this situation?" Locusts.

They'll drive him nuts.

It's all in the Bible, son.

It's the prankster's bible.


I can't decide if this'll be considered feisty or crazy.

Hey! Hey, what the- Oh, if he thinks George Bush'll stay out of the sewer he doesn't know George Bush.

Hey, turkeys! Behind ya.

For the last time, Bush, apologize for spanking my boy! Never.

You make him apologize for destroying my memoirs.

You didn't tell me you destroyed his memoirs.

Never! Yea, Dad! I really feel awful about your lawn, Marge.

George can be so stubborn when he thinks he's right.

Oh, Homer too.

They're so much alike.

Too bad they got off on the wrong foot.

It's just like the Noriega thing.

Now he and George are the best of friends.

Here's a little something we learned in C.



- Get him, boys! - Ow! Ow! Hello! Hello! Now I'll ruin you like a Japanese banquet.

I'll take your head and- Gorbachev? What-What are you doing here? I just dropped by with present for warming of house.

Instead find you grappling with local oaf.

Oh, brought some of your commie friends to help you fight dirty, eh? Mikhail, they put a wig on my head, my memoirs got- George, this is the last straw.

! You apologize to Homer right now! But, Bar, we can't show any weakness in front of the Russians.

George! Yes, dear.


I'm sorry I spanked your boy, Homer.

Whoo-hoo! In your face, Bush.

Now apologize for the tax hike.

It's a shame it didn't work out, Marge but George just felt this neighborhood brought out the worst in him and- Oh, my.

Well, so long! Bye-bye.

Hi! Pleased to meet you.

I just moved in.

My name is Jerry Ford.

Former president Gerald Ford? Put 'er there.

I'm Homer Simpson.

- Say, Homer, do you like football? - Do I ever! - Do you like nachos? - Yes, Mr.


Well, why don't you come over and watch the game and we'll have nachos and then some beer? Ooh! Jerry, I think you and I are gonna get along just- D'oh! Shh!